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Tears trace themselves across his face,
His eyes, unmoving, staring into space.His heart feels dead inside him,
His heart turns cold and dim.His heart that once flamed with passion,
Now, is grim and ashen.His soul, though, still flames on,
And brings in him a new dawn.A flame of rage ignites his soul,
And he discovers his newfound goal.He must pay for what he’s done,
She was the one.He must burn before he dies,
And see his world turn to ash in his eyes.His soul must waver and burn no more,
And then, I will finally settle the score.He’s robbed me of my love,
He now shall burn and the likes thereof.They shall burn.
This is a poem about the main villain in my trilogy I’m writing. No spoilers, but try and guess what this means as to his driving purpose. I’m catching on NaPoWrimo this is my catch up poem for April 1 because Camp Nano, is waaay out of reach for what I really want to use it for. So might as well just write short stories for Camp N and poetry!
I’m not that great at poetry, but right here:
His soul must waver and burn no more,
And then, I will finally settle the score.
He’s robbed me of my love,
He now shall burn and the likes thereof.
They shall burn.You suddenly insert an “I” and it gets a little confusing as to who is narrating? Phoenix? The author? A narrator? So either change that, or fix the rest of the poem to conform with whoever is narrating.
But the ending is really dramatic. I like dramatic endings… 😉
@kate-flournoy has the poetry expertise that I don’t have… 😛I know I need to fix the narration. That’s why it’s in here! Thanks for the input! I’m glad you liked the ending. @jess
@cloudy The thing that stood out to me is that I think it would do a lot better with a meter.
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I’m bad with meter. I’m not done with the poetry curicculum and mom lost it like, two years ago. 🙁 But what meter would you suggest? I’ll look it up and try to tweak it. @daeus
@cloudy Well, I’m not very good with meter either and I hardly remember any of their names. I know iambic meter is the easiest though, so maybe go with that.
I find it hard to be real scientific about meter, so I basically just familiarize myself with examples, try to write rhythmically, and read my poetry to myself several times and tweak it until it seems (at least to me) to have a consistent rhythm.
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