- This topic has 27 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
The genre for this little tidbit is a rather confusing, so I’ll explain that first.
So, this is set after the tower of babel dispersion. Everyone is spreading out over the world at this point, and the main conflict is between the idol worshipers and those who follow “Noah’s God”.
The post-flood world is mainly unexplored off the Eurasian continent, so this is somewhere near modern day British Isles-Greenland.
What the ship Leviathan‘s mission is is taking supplies to a colony in modern day North America. Bad people don’t want that, because they still want to keep Babel going.
Research was done in the books “After The Flood” “The Genius of Ancient Man” and “Maps of the Ancient Sea Kings”, though this is extremely speculative.
Also trying to expand the peleg chronicles genre, so it’s sort of like for those of you who’ve read them, it’s a lot like that.
There will be dragons at some point. Sea dragons.
Anyway.The North Sea had never been a particularly easy place to trust people. Captains, more specifically. Fog and ice were bad enough separately, but together and in a relatively unexplored area of the sea . . .
It put a man on edge. And the fact that the captain of the ship Leviathan didn’t call on the same gods as the crew didn’t do anything to smooth the matter over.
The sun had set a while ago and the fog was rolling in thicker for the night. It clung to the Finnian’s clothes and made them damp and sticky as he watched out into the night, keeping a futile watch for icebergs. The ship took a sudden jerking turn as the captain spun the wheel and a spire of ice made itself visible in the Leviathan’s former path.
Finnian sighed and rubbed a hand over his aching eyes. This was impossible. Simply impossible.
“It takes prayer and practice, Finnian. Just watch the signs and take note when ice passes, if nothing else.” The voice of Captain Quinn sounded boxed and hollow in the fog that swirled over the deck.
Finnian nodded and turned back to the sea, trying not to show his uneasiness at the word “prayer”.
“Aye-aye, sir.”
All again turned to graveyard silence as the ship glided through the icy water. Finnian looked down at where the hull met the water. Waves lapped at the words the captain had carved there: “Replenish the earth and subdue it”. He was barely able to read the sentence, let alone see much beyond it.
Finnian rubbed at the amulet around his neck and continued his watch, pretending that he could see beyond the fog.
Captain Quinn leaned his tall body over the wheel,
“You’ve had a good shift, mate. Why don’t you go below and get some rest?”
“Aye-aye, Captain.” Finnian pulled away from the rail and started the walk below deck to where the rest of the crew slept. The captain gave him a small salute and a smile. Finnian returned the salute, but the ability to smile escaped him, as it nearly always did around Captain Quinn.
He was a believer in Noah’s God. Believers in Noah’s God were bad luck, especially at sea.
The stairs creaked under him as he ducked his head to go below. A lantern hung from the ceiling cast a glow towards the hammocks. Empty hammocks.
Strange.
Finnian covered the lantern next to him. Another lantern’s glow penetrated from the gaps between cargo boxes and hushed voices murmured nearby. He uncovered the lantern again and walked slowly towards the apparent secret meeting. One more loudly spoken sentence reached his ears before it was quickly shushed by the other voices.
“How long are we going to stand for this? One more day like this and the name of the Leviathan is going to be another byword for sailing the North Sea . . .”
Finnian stepped around the corner and frowned at his crewmates, huddled around the lantern on the ship’s deck.
“What’s all this?”
The men froze, some mid-gesture, and turned guilty eyes up to the first mate.
“Well?”
Eamon stood and put a hand on Finnian’s shoulder.
“Mate,” he purred, a forced smile making its way across his lips, “Don’t tell me you’re the only one not a little uneasy about what the gods think of our . . . captain.”
Finnian squinted at Eamon’s tight face for a few seconds, then shook his head. Eamon’s smile became more genuine, mostly with relief.
“Have a seat, Finnian. Perhaps you can help us with the solution to this little problem.”*
Captain Quinn was still standing at the wheel when they came up before sunrise and was ready with orders for them.
Morning came and the fog burned off somewhat. At least the sunrise was visible today. The crew hustled about the deck, adjusting sails, tightening ropes and such.
“Would you like to go below, Captain?” asked Finnian, noticing the tired sag of his captain’s body.
“Not to sleep yet,” Quinn said, blinking hard a few times and running a hand through his damp hair. “But if you would take the wheel for a little, that would be wonderful.”
Finnian took over the wheel and the captain went below. Within a few minutes he was back on deck, but he looked concerned.
There were a lot of reasons he would be concerned. But he had already shown that he wasn’t about half of them, and the other half he didn’t know about. Or shouldn’t. Finnian tightened his grip on the wheel and looked straight ahead.
Captain Quinn walked up next to Finnian and seemed to observe how he was steering the ship. After a long silence, he spoke.
“The carrier pigeon is gone.”
Finnian swallowed and didn’t look away from the bow of the ship,
“Is it?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe it escaped. They’re smart birds, you know, sir.”
“Perhaps.” Quinn furrowed his brow and looked out to sea. “But then how would it get out without me noticing? The only way I could see is the portholes. And someone would have to open them.” He glanced over at his first mate, “You don’t know any scoundrels who would do that, do you?”
“N-no, sir.”
Captain Quinn frowned again,
“We can’t communicate with the other ships without the pigeon. I’ll ask the men later. We’ll find the rogue.”
Finnian’s knuckles were white on the ship’s wheel.
“Captain!” called one of the crew from his perch atop the mast, one hand pointing out to sea. “Look!”
All heads turned with the captain’s just as a painted back hull was hidden in a curtain of fog. One thing was still visible above the billows: a blood red flag.
Pirates.
Automatically, Quinn closed his eyes in a quick prayer, then opened them again to address the anxiously muttering crew. He didn’t notice Eamon wasn’t among them anymore.
“Attention, men!”
The worried noises drifted away on the wind and all the crew turned to face their captain.
“The situation is not a favorable one, and the Leviathan is not the best armed ship but I know that with the help of the Lord, we will prevail. Prepare to fight.”
He pointed to a group of a few men,
“You men, get the catapult up on deck. The rest of you, bring up the bows. Put swords in your belts as well. We’ll fight down to those if need be.”
Finnian almost sensed movement near him and turned slightly. Eamon had pushed a small club between the rails next to his feet. Finnian pushed a little on one end with his boot, getting the other end up to his hand. The captain hadn’t noticed. All was going according to plan.
The crew scuttled off like crabs to do their jobs. Captain Quinn watched them, then glanced over towards the dark form materializing in the fog, red flag still poking out above. He took a breath and cleared his throat.
“I know many of you don’t embrace the God of Noah, but this would be an especially good time to consider your true Maker.” His voice cracked a little, but he pressed on.
“In the end, human strength is nothing. Faith is what saves, not amulets and idols.”
The men stopped in their tracks and stared up at their captain. Quinn took a step forward and opened his mouth to say more.
Now was the time.
Biting his lip, Finnian raised the club and swung it sideways across the back of the captain’s head. Captain Quinn stood still for a moment, his mouth still open, then he went down to his knees. He blinked a few times and shook his head.
Finnian hit him again and he fell to the deck.
Eamon was up beside him in moments, smiling with all his teeth.
“We’ll see where your faith gets you, Captain.” He said it like a joke. A few of the men on deck laughed. Finnian didn’t, but rubbed his amulet again and prayed to his gods that he’d done the right thing.
The pirate ship nosed its way out of the fog and Eamon waved to the man on the bow, who waved back. Anyone who had doubted last night when Eamon said he had friends in the right places doubted no more.
“You two,” Eamon nodded to Finnian and another man named Connor, “Get him below deck. Take all his weapons and tie him up. We’ll keep him there ‘till he get to the slavers.”So, any ideas for further on in the story? Think it’s a good start?
Wow… I like this. A lot.
I had a few suggestions, though.
First, let me say I really like Captain Quinn. I mean, really like him. Eamon has too many teeth. Finnian is a little more nervous than I think he wants to be.
And yeah. All that stuff.
It clung to the Finnian’s clothes and made them damp and sticky as he watched out into the night, keeping a futile watch for icebergs.
Okay, generally it’s not a good idea to have two forms of the same word in one sentence. ‘Watched’ and ‘watch’. Maybe you should consider exchanging one of them for a synonym.
I couldn’t find any other specifically stylistic things to tweak, but I had a few general tips. Maybe it would have been easier to ascertain the genre of this auspicious beginning if you had included some description, like of the Leviathan, or of the costumes, just so we could get the general feel for this place and this ship and these men.
Also, it didn’t help with feeling the genre clearly that the men addressed their captain as ‘captain’ and said ‘aye aye, sir,’ instead of something ancient— say, for instance, ‘Your wish is my command’. Yes, that was a joke, but aye aye seems more in keeping with the Napoleonic wars than after the Babel Dispersion. (Love that setting, by the way. Lots of room for the imagination!) I won’t throw a fit if you don’t want to change it, but that is my two cents. Not much, I’ll grant you. 😛One more problem…
You made me crazy to read this story. Thanks a lot.
Oh, and also, who is the MC? Finnian or Captain Quinn? Not that you necessarily needed to make that obvious in this part of the book just yet, but I’m curious.
By the way… do I espy in Finnian a likely convert? Or is that top secret? 😉
First, let me say I really like Captain Quinn. I mean, really like him. Eamon has too many teeth. Finnian is a little more nervous than I think he wants to be.
Aaaahh! *hugs you* You make me so happy. XD Eamon has too many teeth… I love it. I approve of all those opinions. 🙂 May I ask what exactly you like specifically about Quinn? Maybe things you’d like him to keep throughout the story? Traits you’re seeing so far? I mean, other than his faith. That’s obviously staying.
Yeah, Finnian actually kind of happened on his own. Captain Quinn and Eamon were planned, but I went at it through Finnian’s head, since I needed a middle party to see the captain on deck and also see the meeting down below. In my first draft (which was a lot different) it was 1st person present-tense from Captain Quinn’s POV and Finnian only had like 3 lines and one appearance. But, yeah. He developed a lot more than I expected in that piece. Now I have to figure out what to do with him… which is good. XD
Captain Quinn is the intended main character. Finnian will be interesting to work with, but he’s not taking over the MC role. Though I think you’re right on the likely convert…;)
My mom had the same issue with the “captain” and “aye-aye” things. I’ve been watching too much Hornblower. 😛 So, yeah. I’ll try and find replacements or make alterations on those.One more problem…
You made me crazy to read this story. Thanks a lot.
Well, at least it’s one of the happier problems. XD I’ll try and get more to you when I write it.
I like hugs. So… thanks. I’ll take that one.
Ahem… um… Quinn? I like him first because he is compassionate, maybe quietly shrewd.
Captain Quinn leaned his tall body over the wheel,
“You’ve had a good shift, mate. Why don’t you go below and get some rest?” Not many captains would show such quiet, un-condescending concern for their crew, and this to Finnian, who doesn’t exactly appear to be his best friend in the world. I like him as well for his fearlessness in speaking about a faith that has, shall we say, gone out of vogue. But he’s not showy about it. He’s not the type to fall down on his knees, close his eyes dramatically, and loudly proclaim an ostentatious prayer for all to see and be impressed by.
I have no evidence to support this, but Quinn seems to me more a man than a young man, maybe thirty or so. That in itself, if it is true, hints of an extraordinary backstory. How did one so ‘young’ come to be commander of a ship? In short, I was attracted to his quiet steadiness, his air of command, and his sincerity. Plus, he got knocked out and is about to be sold into slavery. That always helps. 😛
Finnian— you should definitely pursue him. He’s very complex in my mind already— conflicted, maybe not as vicious as he seems, as I judge by the fact that he had to bite his lip before he struck Quinn to the deck. And he’s insecure. Insecurity always makes any character more interesting.
And I forgot to mention… “How long are we going to stand for this? One more day like this and the name of the Leviathan is going to be another byword for sailing the North Sea . . .” lovely touch of grim humor.And I cannot resist… it’s so incongruous. ‘Eamon’ is a Celtic name, and it’s meaning is ‘protector’. 😀 But your average reader is not going to know that. Keep the name. It now sounds properly toothy.
Okay, yeah… sounds like Quinn. 🙂 And I was thinking of around 30, age wise, so good guess! 😉
I actually had to change his character a bit from my 1st write of this piece. He was a little showy-sounding at first and it was making me wince. But, after changing it he doesn’t seem as flat now. So obviously that helped. And hey, yeah. Knocking out and selling into slavery always works if nothing else. XD
I agree on Finnian, definitely. He adds a little difference to the evil crew. He’s sort of hesitant. Unsure of right and wrong as of yet.
XD I did not know Eamon meant that. Probably because I lost the name meanings book a few months ago. But, yeah. No going back now. I will always see his grin when I hear the name Eamon. 😛Some repeated points.
.Good start, but why not do even more character development? Best is better than great.
.More description.
.Less modern language. More oldish language. Middle english doesn’t even cut it. You can use this in a limited way to give an old feel, but this book is on times long before even that. Invent your own phraseology is my suggestion. Maybe even invent a couple words. Make it sound like the reader is opening up an ancient brown volume of which each page is fragile enough to break if bent. Make them feel that what they hold is actually from that time period (well, minus the present tense). Make them think your book is valuable if only for the reason that it has survived all these centuries for them to read it. I would suggest old looking maps, old fonts, old old old. And make sure you understand the times you write about. Yes, historically, but much of it will be speculative, so what I am mainly saying is speculate with confidence. If you are going to invent a world, invent one that is well defined.
.On the same line, old names. You will probably be upset with this statement being no doubt attached to the name, but Quinn doesn’t sound like it’s from the time period. You’ll have to think about the origins of your characters. If they were born in the British isles, as I suppose, they would be of the germanic people, so germanic-ish names are probably best.
.Some sentences sound confusing or don’t flow well and you have to reread. I’m guessing you were writing between the lines if that expressions makes any sense.🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
Thanks, Daeus! The advice about making readers feel like they were reading an ancient, fragile volume really got me thinking especially. 😉 I’ll try and come up with more ways to make it seem older.
And keep Finnian. Reuses, recycle … its the thing … and it saves you making new characters … and it makes your story better, more connected.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
Daeus thinks ‘Quinn’ is not old enough, but I loved it because it’s unique. It’s different— I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard or read it before. It sounds to me like it could be a name from a culture I have very little clue about, and that makes me curious about that culture. I’m not bashing you, Daeus (ha! How would I dare?) but just so you know Rosey, I liked it. It didn’t seem modern to me. So it’s a matter of opinion, I guess.
Also, his name sets him apart from all the other crew, because they all have names associated with ancient cultures like the Celts and Scots. (Finnian is Scottish in origin). But Quinn… it has no origin in my mind, and I have been studying names as a hobby for a long time. So his name sounds like it could be a part of that ‘post Babel Dispersion’ culture tied into it. Just saying…Hey Kate, ever thought about starting a consultancy to help people choose names for their kids. Over the internet of course. Very random, but you were just throwing out information about names like they were your brothers’s, so its not entirely off topic.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
My opinion on stories in general can be quite picky, but here’s what I think.
The whole thing sounds way too modern. It could literally be set in the age of exploration. Even though I hate setting and details, I think that maybe more references about time period things and clothing and stuffs like that would help make it more grounded in its time.
I think that the reader should experience more closeness with the MC. Let them peek more inside his head. In general I think that (personal opinion okay?) you should up the emotions but downgrade the outward manifestations of the emotion to balance it out.
This is definitely out of my genre but I hope that my few comments helped.
I blog on story and spiritual things at mkami.weebly.com
@Daeus: hey… you may have something there. XD
For Your Information: my brothers are as follows. William. (Scottish/Gaulish). Douglas. (Scottish). Morgan. (Welsh). Christopher. (Latin/Anglo-Saxon). But yeah, I do love names. All you really have to know is the roots of the language to figure out pretty much what any one name in that general original language means.
And Quinn… I still cannot think of a single ancient language that has such a name. The closest I can get is the Celtic ‘Finn’ which doesn’t count. So yeah. I like it. I would recommend keeping it, Rosey. And yes! Keep me posted as to the progress of the story, and let me know when you finish it. If you haven’t already got a beta reader lined up, I’d be more than happy to be of service, so let me know if you need me, and we’ll try to work something out with my schedule. Ugh. Schedules are such malicious things.What you said about closeness with the MC, Mark— I agree. I do really. But it isn’t always necessary to experience closeness with the MC in the very first scene of a book. Yes, you want it to come pretty quickly, and if it isn’t in the first scene, it had better be in the second, but sometimes it is better to get the plot started and then tie the reader to the MC after, say, the MC is sitting chained up in the hold of a pirate ship facing a life of slavery. Lots of time for thought then, and the MC already has a cause to be worried. Something dangerous or painful to ruminate on that the reader knows about, so he comes out more strongly that way. Does that make any sense whatsoever?
@Mark
Definitely see what you’re saying. Descriptions about that sort of stuff should probably get in there, just to get a clearer image of the time period (as I’m *cough* kind of imagining it).
@Kate
I do think I’ll be keeping Quinn. He was Quinn or Quinlan for a long time when I was just coming up with the concept, so ditching it now would be too confusing for my poor little brain… XP
Actually, I’m kind of following a pattern set by the Peleg Chronicles for name choosing. All the names in there kind of took my by surprise as “Huh, never thought anyone would name a book character that.” But the author did stick with European sort of names. There was Lord McDougal and Fergus Leatherhead (scottish, though Leatherhead is an English town), Theiry, Suzie and Percival (more french), Count Rosencross (english), Diego (spanish), and a few made up ones. Pip, Gimcrack and Staffsmitten, to be specific. I will never see the name Fergus the same again. I did a complete U-turn in the liking of that name. (Kate, it’s like Horatio Hornblower in a different world. Fergus is awesome. XD)
So, I’m starting out Irish-y to begin with. I might bring in some Norse/scandinavian sounding ones later. Any unusual name suggestions are welcome, if anyone has ideas. 😉Any unusual name suggestions are welcome, if anyone has ideas. ?
Well… do you have any particular beginning-lettered names you are looking for? F? G? I? K? Because I have a whole list I’ve compiled complete with meanings and everything. Some of them I’ve already taken for my own characters… but some of them I’ll probably never use… so if you’re interested…
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.