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Hello @booksandbeakers!
Thanks for tagging me! I did a quick read-through of your short story and really enjoyed it! Your dialect was really nice. Like some others mentioned, I might just center the time period a little more in people’s minds. In addition, my brain really wanted a physical description of Many like we got of Lillia (but that can be hard to get in a first person, so I understand.)Great story! I look forward to reading more of your work!
"To death or to victory"
Also, @booksandbeakers, I’ll read through in more detail in a few days, in case I see anything else. That was my quick jaunt 🙂
"To death or to victory"
- Rank: Wise Jester
- Total Posts: 76
@landric Thanks for the critiques!! I really should add something with the time period. *thinks about draft I really should get to* I don’t know, it seems weird to draft a short story, I don’t know why:) Anywaaaays…. I should think of ways to show the physical description.
Thank you again!
@booksandbeakers Of course! I really enjoyed it. You’re a talented author! 😉
"To death or to victory"
@booksandbeakers
Of course I will! Thanks for the tag! I was looking through the comments, and it seemed like you had a few questions (although I don’t have a solid understanding of which ones). Would you like me to give some critique?
@booksandbeakers
That was really good!!!
I really enjoyed reading it and it was really sweet!
The friendship subplot did work! And I could definitely get a feel of the MC. And like a few of the others said, I would want to know what Amanda looks like, but that’s hard to do in first person, so I get it. (That was a bad run-on sentence. XD)
The dialect also brought me into the story as well, so great job on that!
I couldn’t quite tell what the time period was, so maybe you could make that clearer to the reader.
Other than that, great job!! Keep on writing!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
- Rank: Wise Jester
- Total Posts: 76
@gold_hummingbird Why thanks!! Yes, I would love critiques, as brutal as you wish:)
@esther-c Thank you lots for reading! I’m glad; I was worried the subplot might be a little distracting, but from yours and other people’s comments, it seems good:) I’m really limited on words, because I was thinking about entering in a short story contest MAYBE. But I don’t think I will now. Actually, I might not be allowed to since it was technically on KP here. Anyway. What I was trying to get to in that rant (sorry) was that I should for sure give some physical description, and set the time period.Thanks again for reading!
@booksandbeakers
You should be able to publish it elsewhere. In technicality, we were your beta-readers, so posting it on KP shouldn’t count as publishing it. (But don’t take my word on it. I’m not 100% sure. :))
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
- Rank: Wise Jester
- Total Posts: 76
@esther-c Okay, thanks! You have a point:)
@booksandbeakers
What was the little girl doing when she was sitting down? Taking a break? It just kind of seems like she’s not doing anything (which is fine too), but it kind of seems like she’s just waiting for her father to call her.
What part of the girl died? Did she play music too, and now she can’t?
Ohh, suspense!! Why is she going to break out! (ar; audience reaction. This is my reaction, and whenever I do so ar, you don’t need to comment on it. It’s positive feedback!)
A little description of everything might be nice. I like how you described the school as sad and dark. She gets happy towards the end of the school day, which would change her thinking from ‘everything is sad and dirty,’ to ‘the flowers were dancing in the wind, and the clouds chased each other.’
Woah, that past! I like it. Although, that significance does it hold? That the Kershaw’s are rich and mean? If we know this, but the MC doesn’t, it just kind of feels a little off.
(Sorry, I got halfway through this and commented some more, but my other comments got wiped away. I might finish reading this, it really is good!
- Rank: Wise Jester
- Total Posts: 76
I didn’t think about that, but you have a point! What was she doing when she was sitting down…
When her Ma died, the part that loved music inside of her kind of died too, since her Ma loved music. Her pa doesn’t want her to play music anymore, but she tries to when she can.
I try to be suspenseful in my stories when I can!
Okay, I’ll have to keep thinking about that if I do a draft!
The rift between the two families was me just trying to show how things have changed since their Ma died – and showing the roots of why Pa didn’t let Mandy see Lillia anymore. I didn’t think about that fact, but it’s quite true that Mandy doesn’t know about the politics issue – not much, anyway.
Thanks for critiquing! It’s really helpful!
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