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Greetings, Kapeefers!
So when I was thirteen, I spontaneously decided that I was going to write a children’s book series. I started writing several of them before I found myself buried in writer’s block, so I walked away from them.
Lately I have been considering coming back to them. So today I read Mariposa’s article on Pixar and children’s books, looked back at my series… and fainted with disgust.
The problem: My series is basically American Girl mixed with The Happy Hollisters, Horrible Harry, The Adventures in Odyssey video series, and possibly a few more things.
The result: Unoriginal characters (all of whom are happy and fun and can’t possibly live without their bestistest friends in the universe…), unoriginal plot line (ever watched the AiO episode Once Upon an Avalanche?), and non-existant character arcs (“Oh, no, we’re stuck in the mountains and there are avalanches and my friend hurt his ankle and I can’t possibly live without my bestistest friends in the universe…!!!”).
Anyway, can you critique my creepy ol’ Once upon an Avalanche thing? Just so I get the idea of what I need to do to fix it.
Here it is. Make sure your hazmat suit is fitted correctly before entering
@mariposa @rochellaine @ariella-newheart @aislinn-mollisong @catwing @dragon-snapper @daeus @skredder @jenwriter17 @valtmy @anyone-else-who-daresYou can pronounce it however you want.
@dekreel I’d love to critique this! what age group is it for? and you want us to leave comments in the google doc right?
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.com@dekreel I don’t have to time to give it a full beta-read, but I scanned a few pages of it.
I’ve never watched those tv episodes you mentioned so I have no dea if it was contrived… honestly, for children’s stories, it seemed well done, though. The story moves along nicely and it seems… I can’t think of another word than polished, which is to say, I can totally picture reading this in an actual lower grade kids book, as it is. (That’s not to say I would enjoy that kids book, though.)
The biggest problem with it that jumps out to me is not much tension. The characters don’t have yearnings or true struggles. That’s something you could probably change and still have it feel like a kids story.
That strikes me as a problem with all kids books, though…
*Giarstanornarak tries to melt chair*
Also, Daeus has 22 turtles in his signature.This actually isn’t all that bad. The writing flows nicely and does fit that of a children’s book. Though I agree with @sam-kowal that there is not enough tension that would keep a reader (especially a child) engaged. The story so far seems to be more of a description of the events that are happening as there is not much conflict or plot. The characters are too similar (happy, excited, loving their friends) which makes Julia’s narration lack depth and personality.
I admit I have not much experience in reading or writing children’s books but these are some suggestions I think might be appropriate:
#1: Inject a sense of wonder into the story. This I think is what the best children’s books do, by tapping on the power of imagination to draw their young readers into the story. Granted, your story is not set in a fantasy world but I’m sure you can do more than give a realistic recount of what’s happening. Perhaps the mountains they are venturing into have some history or legends behind them that the characters can fantasize about.
#2: Introduce an “antagonist” or “foe”. So far everyone has been very nice and pleasant to each other. But a useful technique that a lot of children’s shows do is to have a “bully” character to create and maintain conflict. Maybe there is a mean classmate that the main characters do not like because he makes fun of Jason’s timidity. Then the bully, naturally, ends up stuck with them in the avalanche and they all have to work together to survive.
#3: Think a little deeper about the characters’ backgrounds to figure out their personalities and how and well they behave the way they do. Why is Jason so afraid of loud noises? Why is Victor so worried for him? Even if you don’t explain each characters’ backstory in detail, I think this will allow for greater character depth in the writing and help you figure out what struggles they have and how they can overcome it. It is my personal belief that even a children’s story has no excuse not to have deep and complex character development and conflict (case in point: the masterpiece ATLA, which remains one of my favourite shows to this day)
Hope this helps! 🙂
@jenwriter17 I’d imagine somewhere in the tween-early teen age, since that’s how old the MCs are, but I don’t know for sure
@sam-kowal @valtmy Thank you both so much! It helps a lot 😀You can pronounce it however you want.
@jenwriter17 Oh, and YES! Totally leave comments! 😀
You can pronounce it however you want.
@dekreel *facepalms* yeah, just realized you stated the age of the MC at the beginning, sorry.
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.com@jenwriter17 That’s okay! XD
You can pronounce it however you want.
@dekreel Of course you had to end it there!
I rather enjoyed it. Based on other books I’ve seen, I’d place the target age around 8-10. It’s a good story, kinda simple, but similar in style to other books I’ve read for the 8-10 range.
Now, I’ve never seen those shows you’ve mentioned so I can’t say anything in regard to similar plots or characters. Maybe you can develop their relationship, or lack there of, with Kevin. Perhaps some background in that area. Also, maybe you can capitalize a bit more on Jason’s fear of loud noises. The broken toboggan situation felt brushed over. Perhaps some added tension from that could carry over to when Victor grabbed Toby’s arm later, resulting in Toby trying to get away which caused the snow to fall? Just a few ideas.
But in general, I thought that the story was pretty good. 🙂
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@dekreel I agree with the others, that it could benefit from more tension. I’d also try to think of ways to make the main characters more distinct from each other. This could also be a source of conflict, not that they dislike each other, but that different personalities can create obstacles they have to overcome because they care about each other. But it seems like a sweet story! I hope you figure it out. 😉
@valtmy You’re into ATLA? It’s one of my favoritest things ever! Who is your favorite character? (I have a hard time choosing between Zuko and Sokka haha.)And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.
@dekreel It was actually pretty well done. Since you’ve already had a lot of advice from others about story structure and characters, I’ll just note a couple of editing comments.
First of all, I think you need to do a little more research on helicopters. The first thing that struck me was the large size of the helicopters you were describing. While there are helicopters that big, it’s my belief that most people think of helicopters as small, fitting about three or four passengers, so you should probably explain that these are twin-engine helicopters with large capacity chartered specifically for this trip, or something like that.
I think some helicopters do have bathroom facilities, but you might want to look that up to get specifics.
The biggest thing was you said the flight was six hours long. From what I’ve read (I could be wrong) helicopters carry fuel for only about two and a half hours of flight time. Soooo, might want to check that out. 😀I really liked your description of both the people and the surroundings. When you introduced Jason and Victor I could immediately picture them. The one place I didn’t like the description was when you called Toby an “African-American kid.” That is the politically correct term to use, but it actually doesn’t make sense. I have some friends who are from some island – I forget where, and their ancestors are definitely not African, but here in the U. S. they have to say they are African Americans. They think that is annoying and false since they have no connection with Africa except their skin is the same color as the people from there. So what I would say in place of that term would be “A dark-skinned curly-haired boy” or something of that sort to describe his appearance without bringing race into it. In the same way that you would say “red-haired girl” instead of “Irish American” when you don’t really know where her ancestors came from. 😀
All in all, cute story. Hope to read the rest of it sometime! 🙂
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
The best character in ATLA is, naturally, Iroh.
@valtmy I wholehearteadly beleaf you 😉
And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.
@dekreel I may read over it soon if you still need advice.
IMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!
@catwing I could always use more advice 😀
You can pronounce it however you want.
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