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Thank you guys so much!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
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@scoutfinch180 I read through the first scene last night, so here’s what I’ve got! (I’ll try not to repeat what Ella has already said.) Just remember that these are all suggestions, so you make the final choice!
Paragraph 1: In the second sentence, I would changed unused to to wasn’t used to. It flows better to me.
2: “…that the sub-zero wind as it pushed into his spacesuit and cooled his bionic limbs that this would be a sufficient job…” This half of the sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense. I would probably go with “…as he skimmed the surface of a forgotten ice moon and the sub-zero wind pushed into his spacesuit and cooled his bionic limbs, that this would be a sufficient job…”
3: “…useless generator breaking the howling of the wind…” I would use broke instead of breaking.
4: “Jade smirked behind the visor, the front mirror-bright but see-through for the wearer, the lizard had found a good place to die.” Omit the hyphen between mirror and bright. Also, period after wearer. The last portion of the sentence is a separate one. Make sense?
5: “…when the hover-bike would need to recharge flashing orange.” Change flashing to flashed.
7: “…checked the air filter, it would be a few…” You have a comma splice here. Separate these two clauses into separate sentences.
8: “Jade began to climb. His gauntlet of a hand gripping the ice and his metal foot kicking handholds for himself; the climb was so much more effortless than it would have been six months ago.” So, the first and second sentence can be all one. Just put a comma after climb. After himself, put a period instead of a semi-colon. “Looks like even acid-bombs could have their perks.” I’m not sure if this is Jade thinking–if so, ignore this… Change looks to looked.
9: “But all he needed now was about a dark lump in the distance…” Omit about.
10: “…with a good many curses he returned to the daylight…” Between curses and he returned, you can put a comma.
11: “1: find the thrid. Already doing that. 2: kill the thrid.” In this paragraph, I would divide each numbered item into their own paragraph–like:
- Find the thrid. Already doing that.
- Kill the thrid.
Etc, etc. Also, capitalize the first letter in each of those sentences.
Also in this paragraph, “…holster at his hip, should make short work…” Put a period in between hip and should.
12: So, in this paragraph you use it’s several times. All you need to do is take out the apostrophe to make that its. Also, in the last two sentences, you need to add had before a few past-tense nouns. Like, he had anticipated and he had thought.
13: “Giving it a wide berth and out of view, Jade scrambled to the arching metal side of the generator. He took his rifle and pressed a button as it began to charge with a faint whirr, he only had two shots before he had to put another charge in.” I would rephrase the first sentence to sound like “Out of view, Jade gave it a wide berth and scrambled to the arching…” Second sentence needs a period in between whirr and he only.
18: “The thrid spun, it’s thick and surprisingly long tail knocked…” Change it’s to the possessive its. Period between spun and its thick.
19: “…darted after it, the monster turned…” Period instead of a comma. “…a faint purple flash ignited…” You have two options here–you could either change ignited to igniting or you can replace the preceding comma with a period.
20: “his heart pounding…” Capitalize the h in his.
I know this is a lot at once, and only for one scene, so you just let me know if you’d like me to continue with my line edit or just give you an overall idea of what I think.
So far, my advice would be to remember your tense. In several instances, you got sucked into the what that you forgot the when. Readers can easily get confused when you’re switching back and forth between past, present, and past participle tenses in one sentence, especially if they don’t correspond correctly.
Also, you have a smattering of comma splices throughout. A comma splice is when two independent sentences are joined into one by a comma, when they should be separated. Be sure to keep an eye out for when you put a comma where a period needs to go. You can easily rephrase that sentence by adding a conjunction, or just add a period and close them off.
Overall, I’m really enjoying your story! You have a knack for words, and I like that you’re keeping your writing fresh by not repeating the same words/phrases, and that you’re making use of different terms and adjectives. Just be sure not to get too caught up in the words that you forget sentence structure–I’ve done so many times myself. I will say that your story sounds more omniscient than third-person-close. I don’t know if you had intended to do that or not, but if you want your readers getting closer to Jade, I recommend writing with a little more voice, emotion, and infliction!
I hope this helps, and if you’re all right with it, I’ll continue editing over the weekend!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate y ‘all’s suggestions, and thank you so much for the compliment! I am figuring a lot out through this. Feel free to continue line-editing if you want to, whatever you would rather do :).
Hmm… I never thought about writing it strictly from Jade’s point of view. I will have to think about that, but it sounds interesting.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Wow! This looks great! I’ll be reading it soon and I’ll get back to you with my thoughts.
Thank you!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@scoutfinch180 Great! And thank you! I should have the rest done before Monday!
I definitely suggest writing strictly from Jade’s, because right off the bat, we’re reading his story, and I would love to get a better idea of how he thinks and what he feels. As a mostly first-person writer, I tend to go a little overboard with how close I get to my characters, but it all depends on how you feel about your character and how you want the story told. For this particular story, I would recommend getting a little closer to him, but that’s just me. 😉 It’s always fun to get deep into a character’s head.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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@scoutfinch180 Let’s see here…
I’ve read through the last few scenes, and instead of going through each paragraph (which would take forever), I’ll just tell you what I’ve found.
There are still some comma splices here, and several words are not capitalized. Just go back through and make sure everything is capitalized at the beginning of sentences, and where you have two independent clauses, either add a conjunction or a period. In some cases, you can use a semi-colon. The trick to figuring out where you have a comma splice is just to read the first part of the sentence (before the comma) and see if it makes sense. You can put a period at the end and make the last part a whole other sentence.
You also have a few it’s that needed to be changed.
After several ellipsis points, you need to capitalize the first letter in the next sentence.
When you’re talking about Fabian’s hands, you can put a hyphen between hand and like and claw and like.
Also, you begin to use he and it interchangeably when talking about Fabian. Before Jade calls him by name, stick with either he or it to avoid confusion.
(I’ll use one sentence as an example, but you have a lot of this going on.) Jade leaned back, “I hope you hung them to dry?” Unless you use said, muttered, whispered, etc., you don’t need a comma before the line of dialogue. So put a period at the end of back and so on. Make sense?
With this sentence: The monster nodded, “Yes.” And went back to scrubbing the leg. You can write it like this: “The monstered nodded yes and went back to scrubbing the leg.
“While the monster had no tue aura of malice about it, and it spoke good naturedly…” You can omit tue and put a hyphen between good and naturedly.
“The scientists hadn’t told him that the thrid would be an anthropomorph… just highly intelligient. How had they gotten the lizard to evolve? No wonder they wanted to body back, too good an advancement to let go to total waste.” So, anthropomorph is not a word, so I would go with “thrid would be anthropomorphic.” You also misspelled intelligent. And you can rephrase the last sentence to be “No wonder they wanted the body back; it was too good and advancement to let it go to waste.”
“…his stomach-muscles. The monster did its attempt at a grin, Jade refused to smile back as he leaned back, the rough cloth made him feel like a pauper again… faceless, just another man in the masses. The monster said:…” Stomach-muscles doesn’t need a hyphen. I’d put but after grin, and take out the first back (maybe replace it with in return instead?). You’re good with the colon after said, but you could also use a comma there.
“Jade should try to shoot it in the mouth next time.” I’d make this sentence a thought: I should try to shoot it in the mouth next time. Therefore, you can keep the present tense.
“Jade sighed, the gods don’t even care. They never cared about my brother, Jade shoved the thought out of his mind, he was already outlaw enough without being a heretic, ‘So really, why am I here?'” Put a period after sighed. Italicize Jade’s thoughts here. Put a period after mind instead of a comma. And after heretic, replace the comma with a period.
“And sat by the workbench, taking the metal arm in his hands and scrubbing at it, ‘life is P-recious.'” Rephrase this sentence to “He sat by the workbench, taking the metal arm in his hands and scrubbing at it. ‘Life is p-recious.”
“The monster frowned and looked down, ‘Na… Ffffa… Tabe… na, Fub… na.,’ the monster’s mouth screwed up as if he had eaten something sour…” No comma after down. No comma before the monster. Also, capitalize the and put a period at the end of that sentence. (I know moments like these in dialogue are confusing. It takes a while to get the hang of how to punctuate them. Usually, I do something like this: “Fub…na–” the monster’s mouth screwed up as if he had eaten something sour “–Fa-b-ian.” Make sense?)
“As Fabian went at his work, he looked at Jade out of the corner of his eyes and listened to the man’s breathing. In a slightly tremoring voice he whispered, ‘It’s nat W-ut ya al-ays dun.'” We transition into Fabian’s POV all of a sudden here, making this story thoroughly omniscient. I would give some sign that you’re switching POVs, especially if you decide to write from Jade’s strictly. Also, I would use trembling instead of tremoring.
You misspelled backpack.
“they went through a front room full of differing apparatus and approached a door that looked like it belonged in a spaceship. Fabian opened the door and ushered into…” Capitalize they. Pluralize apparatus. Ushered him into.
“Overhead was a broken-down motor and a post that powered the fan that met the yawning front that was supposed to fan out life-giving oxygen into the atmosphere.” You use that a lot in this sentence, which makes it hard to follow. I’d rephrase it.
“…against the outdoors and he fired. She lept back…” Comma before and he fired. “Lept” is spelled “leapt.”
“The thrid knew his name? That was impossible.” So, Jade tells Fabian his name earlier…
Well, that pretty much sums us up! I’d just watch out for the things I mentioned above, and you’re good! My one thing is that a little bit of backstory is necessary–unless you intend to write something else with these characters, then you might be fine. Who are the Women of Artemis? What’s up with all the Greek mythology references? Does Greek mythology play into the religion of your world? How does Jade know Marian? How did his brother end up on this planet as part-thrid? Etc., etc. I’m sure you intend to elaborate with another story later on, but just a few sentences of backstory wouldn’t hurt!
Otherwise, you did great! Your story is engaging, kind of sad in the end, but leaving me wanting to read more! Wonderful job!
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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@scoutfinch180 In answer to the questions you posed earlier…
- Do the guys sound and feel masculine? I don’t really think this is an issue but as a girl, I have never been a man and I may make men display their emotions or think like a girl. Especially Jade, my POV, who is a man but likes to dress fancy and stylishly.
- Does the emotional arc seen realistic and smooth?
- Do you notice anything that appears unrealistic?
- Am I making things too clear/unclear?
- How do you feel about Jade at the end of the story?
- Am I telling too much instead of showing?
- My message (I’m pretty sure) is something like the following: “If you live a selfish life, you will end up alone.” How does my story relate to my message? Do you think that there is anything unnecessary to my message in my story? (like useless conversations that just pop up out of the blue?)
- Is it easy to understand Fabian? He can’t move his lips properly to make certain sounds come out well because he is a giant anthropomorphic lizard, and hasn’t many face-muscles besides jaw opening and closing and the ability to snarl.
- I find myself fumbling to bring necessary info about Jade and his world into the story without making it sound dramatic or awkward. Any suggestions to help with this?
- Have your eyeballs fallen out reading all my questions?
Your guys do seem very masculine to me–and I struggle with that myself, so I understand how that is, but you pulled Jade off very well.
Emotional arc–check.
Anything unrealistic? Not that I noticed.
The clarity was just right to me. I could easily understand what was going on. I might would cut down on some of the wordiness, just so that your point is made. Add a little more emotion/thought, so that I know how Jade is feeling internally about everything.
I feel very sorry and regretful for Jade, but I would love to see him be redeemed in another story one day!
Eh…maybe so. I think I have some issues with that myself, so *shrugs* It’s all about the balance of what you do tell vs what you show.
Message–check.
Understanding Fabian–check. I would make sure that you lowercase some of the letters in his dialogue, because having the capital letters stick up in the middle of words is a little disorienting.
For the info…I would make connections to things said, seen, and felt throughout the story with things that Jade has experienced before. That way you build his backstory, his memories, his personality (by what he does/doesn’t notice), and your world. If you ever write anything else with these characters, you can always expound more.
And my eyeballs are still intact! 😆
Great job and happy writing!
Thanks so much for the feedback! I’m so glad you feel that way about Jade at the end because it was what I was shooting for!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@scoutfinch180 ‘Twas my pleasure, I can assure you! I do hope I’ve been of some assistance.
You have!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@scoutfinch180 Yay! Let me know what you decide to do in the future!
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