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Hi, everyone!
This not only my first Sci-fi, but my first start-to-finish short story that I have written. I know it is full of mitsakes and errors, but I feel like I am at a game of whack-a-mole. I just can’t seem to find all I need to fix. Feel free to criticize me to death, as my English teacher would say about her dreaded red pen: “Red is the color of love”. There are a few things I would like you all to look for if you have the time:
- Do the guys sound and feel masculine? I don’t really think this is an issue but as a girl, I have never been a man and I may make men display their emotions or think like a girl. Especially Jade, my POV, who is a man but likes to dress fancy and stylishly.
- Does the emotional arc seen realistic and smooth?
- Do you notice anything that appears unrealistic?
- Am I making things too clear/unclear?
- How do you feel about Jade at the end of the story?
- Am I telling too much instead of showing?
- My message (I’m pretty sure) is something like the following: “If you live a selfish life, you will end up alone.” How does my story relate to my message? Do you think that there is anything unnecessary to my message in my story? (like useless conversations that just pop up out of the blue?)
- Is it easy to understand Fabian? He can’t move his lips properly to make certain sounds come out well because he is a giant anthropomorphic lizard, and hasn’t many face-muscles besides jaw opening and closing and the ability to snarl.
- I find myself fumbling to bring necessary info about Jade and his world into the story without making it sound dramatic or awkward. Any suggestions to help with this?
- Have your eyeballs fallen out reading all my questions?
Thank you so much for your assistance! I will put my (between 7,000 and 6,000 words long) story under this post. Happy day before day before Thanksgiving!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Also, please tell me anything you notice and like/dislike that hasn’t been covered in my questions, I don’t mind your criticism, talk about my story as strongly as you like. (Jade probably needs it anyway, because he is a jerk)
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Ice
By Dawn Robin (ScoutFinch180)
He had never killed a monster before. Not that he was unused to killing. On occasion, he would kill people who stood in the way of the highest bidder if he was bored. Mostly he preferred to con and steal from those who were wealthy and lived in luxury while the rest of the people lived in boring apartments and had boring food, boring clothes, and boring jobs.
Jade hoped, as he now skimmed the surface of a forgotten ice-moon, that the sub-zero wind as it pushed into his spacesuit and cooled his bionic limbs that this would be a sufficient job to keep him interested. True, it would be more comfortable conning a light headed and haired super-model than skim the surface of an anti-freeze dump, but going after difficult targets did put a good many tokens in the account… and was good to keep his mind off things. Anyway, the cagey scientists who would pay him to bring back the body (or at least the head) of what they said was an experiment on a thrid gone awry would do just that. They even provided him with their own specialty weapons, like the hulking high-energy rifle slung on his shoulder to accompany his lucky duel blaster.
He turned into the jet-stream of a distant oxygen-generator to blow him along for a few miles. The loud whirring of the distant, useless generator breaking the howling of the wind through jagged peaks of ice that rushed to meet him up ahead. Jade swallowed as the little dot flickered with proximity on the screen of his opaque visor. The signal was awry, since it was a cold-blooded animal, but it was strong. Jade smirked behind the visor, the front mirror-bright but see-through for the wearer, the lizard had found a good place to die.
When he was at the foot of the ice mountains, he veered left and skirted the steep foothills. A screen between the handlebars indicated that he was close to his target. The green interface telling him of the sub-zero temperatures and when the hover-bike would need to recharge flashing orange. He shut off the engine and the bike coasted for a few yards in the low gravity before landing a few inches above the snow. He dismounted and checked his tracker to ensure its functionality before switching on the cloaking device… would not want Marian and her girls looking for him.
He looked up at the range of peaks ahead, searching for the best way up. As he eyed the path his gaze was drawn upward to the faint outline of the gas-giant’s belly imposing upon the whitish-blue sky. He let in a slightly raspy gasp and checked the air filter, it would be a few hours before he needed a change. He pocketed another wrapped in foil packaging, just in case.
He looked around, checking for any signs of life. Nothing but his target. No other bounty hunters looking for a kill, which Jade expected. People who messed with him ended up floating through space in a ship with no fuel and limited air-supply, very poor and very confused, or ruined in some other ‘unfortunate’ way… but always outwitted.
Jade began to climb. His gauntlet of a hand gripping the ice and his metal foot kicking handholds for himself; the climb was so much more effortless than it would have been six months ago. Looks like even acid-bombs could have their perks. The sheen of the platinum used to plate his modifications was not too ugly, either. A waitress had complimented him on his new arm when he paid the bill at a bar… but of course, no one was around nor could see under the tough fabric of the suit.
He pulled himself up the final bit of the incline and looked down upon the electric blue ocean of an anti-freeze dump reflected in the front of his helmet. He wrinkled his nose as some of the sickly-sweet smell invaded his filter. He swung over the ledge, stood on top of the peak and looked around, more symbols indicating everything it thought he needed to know. But all he needed now was about a dark lump in the distance, on the edge of the dump. He squinted and the screen in front of his face zoomed in on a run-down oxygen-generator, the massive blades of its fan for blowing out breathable air paralyzed in old age. Even from so far away, the machine appeared roughly as big as a mid-sized space-station.
He pocketed his gadget and slid down the mountainside, using his bionic hand and leg to slow his speed before he fell with a poof into a snowdrift. Wriggling out of the heap with a good many curses he returned to the daylight shivering. Isn’t the spacesuit supposed to be able to handle these temperatures?
Jade brushed himself off and crept close to the drifts on this side of the mountains, his eyes fixed on the looming generator as he hurried along. He thought through his mind of what he had to do as he would before pulling a heist or getting his initial impressions of a mark: 1: find the thrid. Already doing that. 2: kill the thrid. A giant blue lizard with scales that resisted almost all calibers of blaster. Fortunately, he had been provided with the right kind of weapon, and for good measure had his lucky blaster in a holster at his hip, should make short work of the thing. 3: drag the thrid over a mountain range and across an ice plain to his ship. Not so easy. 4: get the tokens the scientists had promised and hightail it to somewhere else before Marian found out where he was.
Jade heard a loud clank and froze. Unseen, his eyes fixed on the generator as what he had not expected to see stood at the entrance: a thrid, standing on its hind feet, it’s limbs seemed somewhat elongated and much more muscular underneath the spacesuit that covered it, the clear helmet showing the sagging blue skin of the monster’s scaly face and it’s fanged mouth. Of course Jade had been told that he was going after a highly intelligent thrid and to be prepared, but a thrid walking on it’s hind legs and in clothes was not what he anticipated. He thought it would be trapped in a crashed spaceship.
Giving it a wide berth and out of view, Jade scrambled to the arching metal side of the generator. He took his rifle and pressed a button as it began to charge with a faint whirr, he only had two shots before he had to put another charge in. Jade hissed through his teeth, inadvertently making another rasp of the filter.
The thrid jumped and looked around, up at the mountains, down at the snow, and towards Jade in time to see him blast a jet of yellow light at the thrid. The creature gave a noise between a shout and a scream as he ducked away from the blow, his hoarse voice drowning out the noise of the blast.
Jade pulled the trigger again and another blast hit the monster square in the chest. It reeled and hunched low, watching as Jade approached, deftly inserting another charge. It spoke in a deep and rather garbled voice: “Sta… P-Plea… I dun’t want ta harm ya.”
Jade nearly dropped the rifle, then recovered from his shock and aimed.
The thrid spun, it’s thick and surprisingly long tail knocked Jade’s bionic leg out from under him and he fell on his side, the ice sending shockwaves to rattle his teeth as he felt the minute technology in his leg send messages of pain as it ground against itself. He rolled onto his side just in time for the thrid to snatch away the rifle and run towards the generator.
Jade heaved himself to his feet and darted after it, the monster turned around as Jade approached and gave him another whack with its tail, this time in the chest and sent Jade flying across the interior of the generator and crashing into a metal wall. Jade stumbled to his feet in time to see the thrid switch his rifle to stun, a faint purple flash ignited in the barrel. Jade dashed behind a broken piece of machinery then out by the sea again as the monster pursued. Jade drew his pistol and fired a shot at the thrid in a jet of red light. Missed. He spun on his heel to face the approaching thrid as he stood cornered on the edge of the anti-freeze: shot, missed. Shot, ricocheted and hit Jade square in the chest and sent him careening backwards into the anti-freeze and the pistol flying from his hand.
The filter choked up, he held his breath and scrambled for the surface, watching blue crystals paralyze his arm as it reached up and he sank. his heart pounding, he screamed – a dark hand reached down towards him like death as everything went dark.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I am sending it each section by the *** I used between differing parts
We crazy people are the normal ones.
A sharp bang crashed Jade into consciousness. He sat up and the skin on his right side stretched too far. He flopped back with a grunt of pain and stared at his welted skin, his solitary ring and pinky finger to his stub leg shriveled with partially healed acid burns. He looked at the place where the grey sheets should have draped over his right leg, someone had taken off that, too. Had the ladies of Artemis gotten a hold of him… again?
Jade turned to the sound of another clank, cringing and closing his eyes as his neck rotated his head, then let out a faint gasp as the demolished skin on his cheek stretched with the expression. He had asked the surgeons to make his face look the way it used to be, but he wanted them to keep the pain present… to remind him.
When his eyes opened, he saw the monster seated at a workbench, holding Jade’s metal leg as he scrubbed it with a steel brush, unaware of his guest. Jade reached for the blaster at his side, only to find he was in his underwear. His heart fluttered, and he looked around the room, there was a fireplace that looked like it was made of an escape pod’s engine, connected to a series of pipes that lead up towards a flat ceiling. There were makeshift metal walls and a metal floor, their leaden grey scarcely reflecting the light. there was also a faint yellow illumination that looked like the light outside, but as Jade rested in a sort of alcove with three beds all scootched together and he was in the middle, there was no real way to see the exits.
He looked at the monster again, its fierce face bent over the machinery. He had removed his spacesuit and was now wearing a pair of well-fitting trousers, his broad chest exposed to reveal the muscle that rippled under his scales. Jade frowned, the monster had clothes to keep him warm? And it was fixing something – something that belonged to the man who had tried to kill him? Was this some sick dream? Jade looked at the claw like hands (or hand like claws) that held the leg and brush, they were long as was proportionate to the lizard, and they appeared strong. The scales were thick and it’s nails somewhat long,curved, and sharp, but it had just as much dexterity as a human.
The thrid looked up. When its eyes rested on Jade it paused. Overcoming its shock before Jade could say a word, it opened its mouth and somehow managed to make words come out by moving its tongue in differing ways and maneuvering it’s jaws as if he was a puppet. Like the ones Jade had used to entertain his brother when they were kids, “Ya feel alright?”
Jade jerked back and groaned, he rubbed his eyes and stared at the face questioning him. He answered slowly as he propped himself up with his undamaged arm and spoke in his much more polished voice, “No, thank you.” He scanned the room again, “Where are my clothes?”
The monster stole a glance to the part of the room Jade couldn’t see; “Drying.”
Jade leaned back, “I hope you hung them to dry?”
The monster nodded, “Yes.” And went back to scrubbing the leg.
Jade cringed as the steel bristles scraped over the enamel: “You should be a little gentler, that’s pure platinum from the supernova.”
The monster chuckled, a sort of low growl, “A fancy leg, that is!” Its white teeth flashed in the firelight, and shadows sported in its gaping mouth as it gave a sort of off-kilter smile, “Goes W-ith yar p-retty hair.”
Jade rolled his eyes and swept his long, ashy-brown waves out from under his head with trembling hands. Of course, other men gave him no mercy for wanting to dress nicely, but they all looked the same, all had short hair, lackluster clothing habits, and if prosthetics, usually muted and a sort of steel or (if they were extremely wealthy) imitation skin. Too many people wanted camouflage, and Jade had always hated being the same as everybody else.
The thrid got to its feet, “I should check ta see if ya are sick.” the monster took up some sort of small, elongated thing that looked dangerous and approached Jade.
While the monster had no tue aura of malice about it, and it spoke good naturedly, Jade could not help shrinking away from the creature and squirming away from when it reached for Jade’s head. The monster laid a heavy claw (hand?) on Jade’s present knee, “Settle down, I W-on’t…” the monster shut his eyes and mouthed the next word before forcing it to his throat, “B-ite. I know I half face uf thrid.”
Jade looked up at the ugly blue face as he shrank under the heavy hand. The eyes as they peered down the long muzzle were large and round, the chemical blue eyes had pupils circular instead of the gash-like slits its kind usually had. Jade forgot his fear in sudden fascination. How was this possible? The scientists hadn’t told him that the thrid would be an anthropomorph… just highly intelligient. How had they gotten the lizard to evolve? No wonder they wanted to body back, too good an advancement to let go to total waste. That thing was worth thrice its weight in tokens!
As Jade stared at lizard, the thrid turned his head back slowly and held up a scanner. “I W-ill check yar vitals.” Jade opened his mouth and let the white stick go under his tongue. The thrid removed the scanner and examined small symbols and colors that arrayed themselves down the stick, “Gud, na M-ur fever.”
The monster went out of view and returned with a grey jacket that was big enough for Jade to fit his leg in the sleeves, “Na idea if this’ll fit ya.” It laid out the jacket on one side of the bed and pulled aside the sheets so cold air prickled Jade’s skin. “B-ut it’ll kee-p ya w-arm.”
Jade sat up, “That looks like it’s your size.”
The Monster shrugged, “Eh, it’s mine, b-ut ya are nigh naked.”
Jade reached for it and the monster took hold of his wrist, the cold, scaly hand’s texture seeping into him. He jerked back, “I can do it.”
The monster’s eyes narrowed, “Un hand can’t do ‘ell wit zi-PP-ers.”
Jade sighed, it was probably best to obey the thing anyway. The monster propped up Jade so he could put his arms through the sleeves without having to use his stomach-muscles. The monster did its attempt at a grin, Jade refused to smile back as he leaned back, the rough cloth made him feel like a pauper again… faceless, just another man in the masses. The monster said: “Ya r…est ‘ile I get ya a snack and a drink.”
Jade gave a muted sigh then focused on keeping his expression stoic as the monster went away, the tight pain of his burnt skin told him clearly he was awake, but this all felt like a dream spiced with memory. He had to get out of here.
The monster returned with a food bar and a metal bottle, “Here.”
Jade took the food bar and nibbled at the edge, then sniffed the contents of the bottle. Satisfied that neither were poison, he allowed himself to satisfy his hunger, “Where am I?”
The monster gestured around the room, “M-y hut.”
“As in, ‘my hut’?”
The monster bobbed his head. “Y..es.”
Jade looked around again, “But where is it?”
“Ya ant curdinits?”
Jade raised an eyebrow, “Coordinates?”
The Monster shrugged, “Yes, I na a-B-out thus.”
Jade pushed his hair out of his face and stared at the place he had hit the monster. There were a few signs of abrasion and bruising, but nothing major. He swallowed, that was the most powerful energy-blaster available, and it had not worked.
The Monster fingered the place, “Ya na nothing of thrid scales.”
“Hmm.” Jade should try to shoot it in the mouth next time.
The thrid pulled up a stool and sat by Jade, “I na W-hy ya try ta kill ‘e.”
Jade blinked and rubbed is forehead.
The monster looked down and away, running his hand along his spines he said, “I dan’t na exactly w-W-hy. I gess cause ya humman…” he used a sort of snap of his jaws to make the word ‘humman’ come out, “hummans hel’ hummans.”
Jade pushed back his hair, smirking; “But you’re a thrid.”
The monster looked down, muttering, “Am I a thrid?”
Jade shrugged, “Anyway, from my experience, ‘hummans’ only help ‘hummans’ if they intend to get something from them.” Jade sighed, the gods don’t even care. They never cared about my brother, Jade shoved the thought out of his mind, he was already outlaw enough without being a heretic, “So really, why am I here?”
The monster got up and muttered, “’Cause ya are humman.” And sat by the workbench, taking the metal arm in his hands and scrubbing at it, “life is P-recious.”
Jade huffed, “Well.” He saw the gleam of his blaster’s handle by where the brush had been set, too far to grab from here, and the thrid had no intentions of killing him yet, so he may as well use the free hospitality while it lasted. “So, Thrid, what are you going to do to me?”
The monster jerked as if he had been pricked with a pin. “I… intend ta send ya a-W-ay ‘en ya better…” the monster looked at Jade, “‘eye the W-ay, W-ut’s yar nam – I m-ean – na-M-e?”
Jade lifted his chin, “I don’t need to tell you.” Best not to share it if he could help it.
The thrid shrugged, “I don’ ‘anna call ya killer, an’ I na ‘ant ya ta call ‘e thrid.” The monster put a hand on his breast in the usual gesture of introduction, “I an Fa’ian.” The monster frowned and looked down, “Na… Ffffa… Tabe… na, Fub… na.,” the monster’s mouth screwed up as if he had eaten something sour… “Fa-B-ian. Thare.” Fabian almost smiled and leaned back, “That was hard.” Fabian gestured towards him, “An’ yars?”
Jade swallowed; of course, the stupid thing had to have the same name as his brother. Har-de-har-har. But this was a monster with a name, nothing more. “You can call me… Jade. It’s Pretty easy to say, too.” He glanced at the thrid as it stared at him. He rubbed his eyes, “If you want to know my job I suppose it’s fairly obvious: I’m a thief and con-man, sometimes I take a killing on the side…” Jade smiled, “Basically an all-around scoundrel.” He glanced at the monster’s blank face, he shrugged, “It’s what I do, what I’ve always done. No hard feelings.”
Fabian opened his mouth then closed it, he looked back down at his work and scrubbed.
Jade yawned, drowsiness beginning to come over him, he would have to rest up so he could plot his escape. He turned his head away and closed his eyes.
As Fabian went at his work, he looked at Jade out of the corner of his eyes and listened to the man’s breathing. In a slightly tremoring voice he whispered, “It’s nat W-ut ya al-ays dun.”
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Jade laid in bed pretending to sleep a few minutes after he woke up, mulling over his options. In all of them, he was trapped until Fabian decided he should leave. Jade shifted again, pretending to slowly wake, may as well enjoy what he could of Fabian’s hospitality.
“Marning Jade.”
Jade sat up and feigned a yawn, “Is it morning out there?”
Fabian nodded, “Ya slee long, and moon-days are short.” He shrugged, “s-O, yes, it is marning. Ya have a full day ahead.”
Jade rubbed his eyes, “How so?” he almost smiled, “I’m stuck on this ice-rock with you.”
Fabian lifted the metal arm and leg from the workbench and laid them on the bed, their silvery enamel shone unscratched in the indirect light. “Ya can ga… ack, g-O, hum… na, h-O-me. I giv’ ya all things ya uwn.”
Jade snatched up his bionic arm and slid his thin limb into it, the reassuring pressure of the metal as it gripped his arm and attached itself to his shoulder soothed his tight skin and agitated his mind. “Why are you allowing me to leave?”
Fabian smiled, “Ya are humman. Ya have a hum.”
Jade laughed, his voice sounded sharp and strange as he guffawed, “I live on a spaceship!” And if home is where the heart is, then I am totally homeless. I have no one now. Jade stopped laughing and wondered at the unbidden thought, looks like his first destination after getting the money for Fabian would be going to a pleasure-station, and drink, lots of drink.
Fabian nodded and disappeared behind the metal wall, “Nat here. Nat this life.”
Jade slipped on his metal leg, bending his knee and wriggling the metal toes… Fabian had even fixed the nerve connection, “You talk nonsense.”
Fabian reappeared with Jade’s backpack, “Da I?”
Jade sighed, “Well, if you mean the Home Planet, the coordinates lead into the center of a star.” Jade grinned to hide a grimace, “The universe is all one big joke.” Fabian opened his mouth as Jade held up his hand, “I don’t want to hear nonsense, you’re hard enough to understand as it is.” Jade swept a lock of hair out of his face, “I want to keep my life as pleasant as possible.”
Fabian closed his mouth and handed Jade his clothes, a faint shadow of a decidedly non-placid expression on his face. “Ya’d rather nat kn-U-W if there W-as sum-thing M-ore ta life?”
Jade pursed his lips and shook his head as Fabian handed him his shirt. “Rather not. I may look like I’m young, and I am – relatively speaking – but…” his carefree expression creased, “experience says another story.” Jade forced a smile before fussing with his belt. What am I doing talking like this? Jade shrugged: “I am done with this subject.”
Fabian leaned forward as Jade did some last finishing touches to his attire, “But don’t ya think that this is–”
“You did a decent job with these clothes, Fabian. Few wrinkles or anything.” Jade picked up his spacesuit and examined it, “You’ve been quite busy.”
Fabian shrugged, “I haven’t M-uch ta da… and ya like ta sleep. A lut.”
Jade shook back his hair, “It’s boring here.” It won’t be boring for long. He glanced at the holster. Of course, his blaster wasn’t there. He shifted his gaze to the desk, the blaster wasn’t there either, but he now noticed that there was a bulge in Fabian’s pocket.
Fabian watched as Jade shoved his limbs into the suit and zipped up the front, “I can sh-O-W ya the W-ay OU-t af here.” Fabian handed Jade his backbackpack. “I W-an’t give ya yar b-laster till I nat thare.”
Jade shut his eyes and breathed deeply. How did Fabian predict his moves? Well, it was obvious that Jade had intended to kill him. “So, where is the way out of this place?”
Fabian motioned Jade to follow him. they went through a front room full of differing apparatus and approached a door that looked like it belonged in a spaceship. Fabian opened the door and ushered into a purple, green, yellow, and orange garden of oxygen-producing fungus, their strange and plant-like shapes curved and sharply angled, covering every surface of a room big enough for three living cubicles Jade shut his eyes and took in a breath of the pure air… he opened them and stared at the golden, starlike spores that hovered in the air all around him. it was rare for any man or woman to be around so much plant life once in their blip of an existence.
“Ya’ll need these, air’s t-O-xic aut there.”
Jade jerked back to himself and turned to Fabian who was holding his helmet and an oxygen-tank, Jade gestured around the whole atmosphere, “Smart living situation you have here.”
Fabian rubbed his spines, “W-armar ta.”
Jade took the items Fabian offered. He set the helmet on his head, the opaque setting turning the room dark. He took a breath, “You changed the filter.”
Fabian nodded, his strange eyes fixed on Jade’s blank visor. “Had un in yar P-O-cket.”
Jade almost shook back his hair before realizing that it was pinned down, “Uh…” The roar of a spaceship landing and the frantic beeping of Jade’s tracking device crashed down on his ears. Jade dove for the tracker and pulled it out, a green dot blinked on the interface… how had Marian tracked him here?
“W-hat’s ha-PP-ening?”
Jade looked up at Fabian, “Get me out of here.”
Fabian handed Jade an attachable oxygen tank, “P-ut this an.” As Jade fastened it onto his back Fabian walked up a flight of metal stairs and toward a door nearly encrusted in fungus. He turned a crank in the center and the door opened. Faint greyish light did battle with the luminescent spores that hovered around Jade, “It’s safe far a gud three yards ut the dur.”
Jade nodded and ran out into the interior of a broken-down oxygen-generator. The metal sides arched overhead like the reverse of Medusa’s round belly and their sleek grey sides shimmered with a frosty film. Overhead was a broken-down motor and a post that powered the fan that met the yawning front that was supposed to fan out life-giving oxygen into the atmosphere. He looked out at the landscape, a blizzard had turned the scenery a solid white. He should kill the monster now so he could be paid for his trouble.
“Jade!”
Jade spun on his heel to see Fabian toss him his blaster then slam the door as quickly as he could. The bang rang in Jade’s ears as he caught the blaster. He was alone. He set down his backpack and picked up his blaster. It was of no use hiding or running.
A feminine figure was highlighted against the outdoors and he fired. She lept back to dodge the shot as two more took her place, training their guns on Jade. A metallic voice rebounded in the giant steel chamber: “Don’t fire again Jade, or we will kill you.”
Jade held up his hands, smiling as the woman who had spoken (and who had dodged his shot) stepped forward, her albino face staring out at him from behind her clear visor: “Drop the blaster.”
Jade did so, he couldn’t resist her. He smiled, “Hello Marian… I thought you were sick of me.”
Marian’s narrow nostrils flared, “This is no time for pleasantries.” She held up some handcuffs, “You are under arrest.” Ten more women stepped out from the white fog, one of them crying as she pointed her shaking gun at Jade’s face. Marian jerked her head in the direction of the weeping girl, “You just killed her twin sister. Killing a twin is quite the offense.” She bared her teeth as she leaned forward, getting close to Jade as she bound his hands, “You should know better.”
Jade smiled as Marian’s face was reflected in his darkened visor, elves were so sensitive, “I never know better.” he kicked her with his metal leg.
She flew back. As she landed, she somersaulted and righted herself in one fluid motion. She smiled, “You’re not the only one who’s had modifications.”
Jade picked up his blaster and shot at the weeping girl, she dove out of the way and shot at him, grazing his shoulder.
Marian shouted, “Fight someone your own size!” charged him and shot his leg, sparks flew from the blow and electricity swarmed his body, his muscles turned to water and he collapsed. He cursed, Why was Marian such a blasted good shot?
She put her foot on his chest and pressed. She growled, “Nice try.” And poised her blaster inches from Jade’s face.
Jade stared back down the barrel, noticing the faint blue spark awaiting to ignite deep within the bowels of the barrel. He looked back up at Marian’s steely bluish-purple eyes, he was dead.
“Sta!”
There was a scream. Jade turned his head to see Fabian had stepped out of his apartment, dressed in his spacesuit. He flung up his hands, “Don’t shut!” he bowed, “Ladies o’ Artenis… na, Arte-M-is. I…” Fabian stopped short as he looked at Jade, “I an Fa-B-ian. I ‘ee ya are abou’ ta kill the… Jade.”
Jade blinked slowly and stared back at Fabian. The thrid knew his name? That was impossible.
Marian stared at Fabian, her lips parted as she mouthed his name. she must be thinking the same thing… who knew what went on inside the telepath’s brain?
Seeing Marian was distracted, Jade looked around and saw his blaster lying in the snow not too far away. he slowly reached, imperceptibly.
Marian stared hard at Fabian. The thrid raised his eyes to meet hers, he was almost trembling. The blizzard howled outside. Marian said, in a whisper, “Who are you?”
The monster’s face blanched, his eyes widened, and he looked around, “I an nadaddy… ack! Na-B-udy.”
Marian raised her eyebrows, “Really? No one here is nobody… except Jade.”
Fabian met her eyes then looked away, “I a-mm ta B-e killed?”
Marian relaxed, her eyes seemed to grow larger and sparkled, Jade had never understood that face, but it made him feel too hot.
Fabian looked up from staring at his boots, his tail curled over them and he said: “Nay… M-ay… I ga… gu… -ith ya? I can’t live here farever.” His gaze once again alighted on Jade, “I ‘ave res-P-P-unsibility.”
Marian raised an eyebrow, “I am bound by oath to only kill when it is necessary. It is unnecessary that you should die, so you can accompany us, if you can fit through the door to the ship.” Her voice steeled and her boot pressed harder onto Jade, “Take this jerk to the cells. Fabian and I will join you girls later.”
Jade’s heart pounded, his hand clenched the blaster and as soon as Marian stepped off of him, he bounded to his feet and shot at her, missed, then in a panic at everyone around him. He couldn’t be taken to Olympus, he would rather die trying to avoid the place. The gods didn’t like assassins.
As Jade leapt over the body of a woman he had shot; Fabian ran up behind him and pounced on him. Jade and Fabian rolled in the snow before Fabian squatted, holding the squirming Jade in the blustering ice-wind. He shouted, “Jade! Sta! Ya ‘ill ‘e alright! Yar B-ruther has ya!”
Jade screamed and shot into the fanged mouth. Fabian immediately loosed his grip and clutched his throat, Jade sprang up and dashed off into the fogged distance, his heart pounding.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Jade squatted beside the frozen peaks, his breath coming in ragged gasps. The blizzard had passed, and everything was buried except the anti-freeze ocean. He hit the side of his helmet and the glass changed to clear, the light glared upon him like some surgical light.
How long had he been running?
Long. Exceedingly long.
Where was he?
No idea. He was an easy target for the women of Artemis wherever he went.
Jade looked down at the blaster he clutched, suddenly realizing he had shot Fabian. Probably killed him. His hand unwillingly shook as he fingered some frozen splatters of blue blood on the gun, it could not have been Fabian, as in his brother, that he had killed. The image of the small frame half-dissolved… Jade shook his head, allowing the tight pain in his neck to swarm him.
Footsteps approached.
Jade looked up to see Marian standing before him, there was no ice in her expression and she stepped nearer. Jade stood up and pointed his blaster at her. Marian gave no reaction other than to aim her own blaster back at him. She had on that rare expression of hers that looked as if she was melting again. The end of Jade’s blaster quivered and he clutched it with both hands.
Marian stared at Jade, “Fabian is in critical condition.”
Jade’s shouted, “Go away!”
Marian shook her head. “I have my duties.” Then her eyes seemed to freeze over, “and you yours.”
Jade shook his head, “No.”
Marian nodded, “Yes. I was there when your mother…”
“Shut up.”
Marian walked forward. “No. She asked you to take care of…”
He sank to his knees and clenched his blaster, “I know.”
Marian put her hand on his shoulder: “Your little brother is dying.”
Jade grunted through his clenched teeth. “You’re lying so I’ll go with you.” He shrugged off her hand.
She crossed her arms: “Do I ever lie? Your mother’s dying wish must not go disobeyed. There are laws… and…” she looked out at the anti-freeze ocean, “I… would rather you not break more than you can help.”
Jade swore, his shouted profanity ringing through the frozen peaks and out across the hard skin of the moon. Chest heaving, he snapped the only response he could think of: “Of course you always sense it… and it’s always the law! Will you ever stop saying that?”
Marian squared her stance, “I am an elf, I have telepathy. I am trying to say things nicely. What do you want me to say? You have broken the one promise you wished to keep? That the one person I know you never cheated is shot by your hand, that if your mother were still alive she would disown you for what you’ve done?” Marian shrugged, “If you come with me, you may at least be able to apologize for once in your life.”
Jade cursed and shot, even as his brilliant green eyes, the eyes that his mother had named him for, streamed tears he had refused to shed. Marian grasped her stomach and staggered back, her eyes widened and she gasped in a low, unearthly voice as her purple blood froze over the wound and trickled out her mouth, “You regret this…” before she collapsed.
Jade’s stomach plummeted and he ran and knelt over her, her eyes were open and her breath hissed through her teeth. Jade swallowed, he had shot someone uselessly for the second time that day. He would get no money for Marian, nor his brother.
“Drop your weapon!” a high-pitched voice drove into Jade’s ears and he looked up. The weeping girl and a few other women stood around him.
Jade gulped as he stared at the red-rimmed eyes of the small figure before him. he opened his mouth then closed it. He let his blaster fall from his hands and land in the snow, he scooped up Marian as she gave a weak gasp and her slender body shivered in his arms. He tried to speak again and eventually he managed to force out, “I can carry her. She’s wounded… but she’ll be alright if she gets medical attention. You can keep her alive for a few days to get a surgeon.”
The weeping girl was staring at Marian’s belly. She looked up at Jade, “You make one bad move, and I shoot.”
Jade gulped and walked submissively back to the ship, finding his eyes trained on Marian’s struggling face. Her eyes forced themselves open and her lips slowly forced out the words: “He’s… dead. I… I’m…”
Jade hissed, “Sh.” Even as tears trickled more earnestly down his cheeks.
Marian was right, of course.
As he carried Marian to the medical bay, he saw him. Fabian lay on the floor with a couple girls sitting around him. his eyes were closed, and medical equipment lay strewn about him. Jade passed, his grip tightened on Marian so she whimpered.
As he laid Marian on a gurney, she gave his human hand a light squeeze before he was pushed away and into a cell. A tight, small room he couldn’t lay flat in. he peered through the fogged face of the force-field door into the hallway. He removed his helmet and sat against the back wall looking at Fabian, a pool of blue blood around his head. Jade swallowed hard and rested his forehead on his knees, allowing the constant pain in his face to erupt as his mouth pulled and his eyes squeezed shut.
He didn’t know people had fused Fabian’s brain and eyes with a monster, but it made sense. His brother had had a phenomenal mind and a gift for learning –though he didn’t know how or why he had been put in a thrid. He knew now by the ripping sensation in his chest that his dying wish was broken and Marian had, as she always had, told the truth. His grief was inevitable.
And so, he thought, was his fate. He would be sent off to die in a blackhole. The gods would give him no mercy for messing with Marian all those years ago… and for breaking his mother’s last wish that he and Fabian should always take care of each other until they died. The vision of his maimed brother flooded his mind, the flesh devoured by the acid, no blood, but stench, boils, and exposed bones. The wide electric blue eyes and the mouth open in a scream of horror.
Jade clenched his head and pulled his hair, a low string of curses issued from his mouth as he tried to drown out the feelings he didn’t want to feel, the world in which he didn’t want to live, the death he did not want to die, and the deeds he had done that day. Jade looked up at the ceiling and smiled bitterly, he could not escape the inevitable. He was the monster that should be killed.
The End
Thanks so much for reading!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
This is the only way I could do to send it b/c I am not very tech-savvy and i couldn’t put it in a word doc.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Hey!! I was thinking I could look through each post if you wanted me to and proofread each separately (so I don’t write all the changes in one long post). Sound good?
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000That sounds great! thanks for reading!😊
We crazy people are the normal ones.
1st section:
1) I like the opening sentence 😉
2) In the second paragraph, I think it would flow better if you shortened some of the sentences by omitting unnecessary words/details or splitting the sentences into two sentences
3) “The loud whirring of the distant, useless generator
breakingbroke the howling of the wind through jagged peaks of ice that rushed to meet him up ahead.”4) Jade smirked behind the visor, the front mirror-bright but see-through for the wearer, the lizard had found a good place to die. I’m a little confused about the syntax of this sentence, but it could be a typo.
5) In the 7th paragraph (Jade began to climb…fabric of the suit), I was hoping for some more backstory. Maybe you could omit the part about the waitress and the sheen of the metal and add a little more backstory to make him more intriguing.
6) “He pocketed his gadget and slid down the mountainside, using his bionic hand and leg to slow his speed before he
fell with a poof(synonym of plummeted, dropped etc.) into a snowdrift.Wriggling out of the heap with a good many curses he returned to the daylight shiveringCursing and shivering from the cold, he climbed out of the snow and into the daylight.Isn’t the spacesuit supposed to be able to handle these temperatures?(either italicize this or change “isn’t” to “wasn’t”)”7) “Unseen, his eyes fixed on the generator as what he had not expected to see stood at the entrance: a thrid, standing on its hind feet, it’s limbs seemed somewhat elongated and much more muscular underneath the spacesuit that covered it, the clear helmet showing the sagging blue skin of the monster’s scaly face and it’s fanged mouth.”
-maybe break this up into more sentences
-use one describing word per subject/object to reduce the wordiness
-try making one sentence be the describing sentence and the rest of them be Jade’s reaction (thoughts/feelings)
8) “Of course Jade had been told that he was going after a highly intelligent thrid and to be prepared, but a thrid walking on it’s hind legs and in clothes was not what he anticipated. He thought it would be trapped in a crashed spaceship.”
-I really think it would help if you do more showing rather than telling–it would make more of an impact on the reader (e.g. Jade swore under his breath. When he’d been told to be prepared for a highly intelligent thrid, he had not anticipated anything remotely like the creature in front of him. Wasn’t it supposed to be trapped in a crashed spaceship?)
9) Ooo, love the last sentence!!!!!!!
I really think you’re a good writer, but if you want to improve in the ways you mentioned, I think you should consider these points:
1) show, don’t tell 😉
2) break the sentences into separate ones to reduce wordiness
3) use less descriptive/unnecessary words and focus on trying to get across the main point of the sentence
4) italicize his thoughts
5) just keep writing and have fun!!!!!! 😊
I hope this helps and that you share more of your work on SE!!
-Ella
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000Thanks SO much! I copied/pasted into the post and then noticed that the word thrid wasn’t italicized as I intended it to be, but it didn’t occur to me that Jade’s thoughts wouldn’t be italicized either for some reason.😊
We crazy people are the normal ones.
By SE did you mean Story Embers or Kingdom Pen?
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I’m on both forums, so I knew that I would do that, haha!! 😁 Yes, I meant KP, but said SE.
I’ll look at the rest of your story tomorrow—I really enjoyed it!! I’m getting some snooty vibes from Jade! 😆
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@scoutfinch180 I’m super excited to critique this for you, but it may be a minute, so keep your eye out, since I should have something for you tomorrow!
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