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Hello hello hello.
…
I’m rewriting TPE (I’ve renamed it to A Fire Within btw, so I’ll probably call it AFW instead) for the billionth time and I’m pretty happy with it so far, so I’m going to start sharing it again. Andddd… yeah. Tagging everyone I can think of atm, but feel free to ignore. I don’t want to bother anyone. ??
@elishavet-pidyon @rae @loopylin @highscribeofaetherium @savannah_grace2009 @keilah-h @ellette-giselle @koshka @hybridlore @esther-c @anyone-interested-idkkkk_________________________
It’s a heavy weight within us,
A muscle to be flexed and honed,
Life throws punches we must accept,
As we become grown.
It takes form in steadfast bravery,
Glimpses of faith, no matter the stakes,
Nothing can stop us from achieving our goals,
If we have courage, we can’t break.
It’s the spark that drives us eagerly,
A reminder that this too shall pass,
We never know what the future holds,
But we must embrace the courage to bring change at last.
_____ ˗ˏˋ ꕥ ˎˊ˗ _____
CHAPTER 0
November 18, 2008
Seven men stood on the large stage in the auditorium. Everything about them was crisp—their posture, the black uniforms they wore, the straight line they stood in.
In the second row of chairs down below sat six-year-old Blaine Gretchen, the second youngest Gretchen child. He leaned on the chair in front of him to get a better view of the warrior-soldiers on stage. His father was one of those seven men in black, Emrys Gretchen—and in Blaine’s eyes, he looked like a hero from the bedtime stories, tall and strong.
Blaine watched enthusiastically as a man came onto the stage and up to the podium. The man called the audience’s attention, and opened the ceremony by announcing the Commander, who stepped onto the stage shortly after. A warm smile lit the Commander’s weathered face. The audience rose. Blaine shuffled to his feet, dragged along by his oldest brothers, Bryson and Bodhi, who stood on either side of him.
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today.” The Commander rested his gloved hands on the podium, “Today we recognize the dedication and performance of the service members who have distinguished themselves through their actions and conduct. Their work reflects the standards we expect from the White Silence, and we’re proud to acknowledge their efforts and the example they set. We will now begin the presentation.”
There was a moment of silence, only broken by the air conditioner humming. The Commander opened a little box and then looked towards the seven soldiers.
“Gretchen. Step forward.”
Emrys came forward, stopping beside the podium, in front of the Commander.
“By order of the High Commander, Ghostly Taunton, and in recognition of your notable service to the White Silence, I hereby promote you to the rank of Banner Second. You have demonstrated conduct worthy of leading soldiers under our colors. This rank carries the weight of responsibility for lives, decisions made while on the battlefield, and the expectation that you will hold to the standards set by the Banner Seconds who’ve served before you.”
Blaine watched as the Commander lifted the badge off the pillow—a strip of white fabric with three vertical gold lines embroidered on it. A circular metal disc hung from one side of the fabric, glimmering in the light as the Commander pinned the badge onto Emrys’s uniform, below two others already in place.
“Your service record speaks for itself. Today simply makes it official. Wear this badge with integrity. Lead honorably. Remember that to live is a blessing, to defend is a virtue, to serve is an honor. Put your right hand to your chest…”
The oath began, but Blaine did not hear it. His purple eyes were fastened to his father’s three badges, nothing less than pure admiration lighting them. Banner Second. His father held a high-ranking position in Extroit’s military now. He tilted his head, resting it on Bryson’s shoulder.
“…by this oath, you stand among the officers of this Banner. Your failures will be yours, and your victories will belong to your soldiers. Banner Second. Take your place.”
Emrys got back in line as the next warrior-soldier was called forward.
The ceremony continued until all seven men had received their badges. Then a beautiful woman in white stepped onto the stage to sing the national anthem of Extroit, ending the ceremony.
The audience rose, and the room filled with chatter as the men came off stage and down to their families—congratulations, questions about family and life, and brief stories about their work filled the air. Blaine followed his mother and siblings to where Emrys stood, bright smiles on each Gretchen’s face.
Blaine hugged his father. “One day, I’m gonna be a warrior like you, dad! I’ma be a Banner Second too!”
“You are, huh?” Emrys lifted Blaine up and swung him around, “You know what, I think you’d be a great warrior. You’d be no joke out there.”
Blaine beamed.
Bennett, the fourth youngest, tapped the tips of his shoes together, “If this is a celebration… does this mean daddy can come home?”
“No, it means he has more work to do,” Braxton said. He followed his cocky answer with a wink, which earned him a bop from Bryson.
“But are you coming, daddy?”
Emrys set Blaine down and tilted Bennett’s face upward, “Of course I’m coming home today! I have a couple days off and ten little beans waiting to party with me.”
Bennett’s face lit up, “Are we gonna watch a movie?”
* * *
The Gretchen house was small—smaller than a house should be for a family of twelve. Blaine shuffled through a box of paper clips, pencils, and pens. He grabbed a pencil and blew off the gnawed eraser. He lifted a clipboard, sending stacks of sticky notes and tape clattering to the bottom of the box. Blaine gathered his drawing supplies and headed to the living room.
Emrys, Elia, and his two sisters, Bristol and Braelynn, were already in the kitchen. Elia sat at the dining room table arranging flowers, and the sisters were washing and putting away the dishes.
“I’m gonna go pick up a couple snacks from the store.” Emrys stood up and pressed a kiss to his wife’s cheek, “I’ll be right back.”
“Be careful, Emrys. It’s dangerous out there.”
“Don’t worry, Mam! Nobody can hurt daddy!” Bristol beamed, setting the dish she’d dried on the counter.
Elia smiled at her seven-year-old daughter, brushing a loose lock of black hair out of Bristol’s face. “I know, love, but everyone still has to be careful—even when you’re strong.”
“Bristol, why don’t you and your siblings find a movie?” Emrys beamed.
Bristol’s eyes lit up and she jumped up and down; she nodded and then ran off to her siblings.
“What about the dishes?” Braelynn huffed.
“I’ll finish them,” Elia handed her oldest daughter a towel to dry her hands.
Blaine set his clipboard on the ground and followed Bristol and Braelynn to the twin’s bedroom. He looked in the doorway at all his siblings sitting around the room.
“What movie are we gonna watch?” Bristol hopped up and down, leaning against the bunkbed frame, “Are we going to watch something spooky? Oohoohoo!”
Bryson slouched in a beanbag chair. Bryson shrugged, “What’s something we haven’t seen yet?”
“Nothing scary,” Bennett said, tapping his thin fingers together.
“Why not?” Brayden sat down beside Bennett and pulled on the back of his shirt. “Are you a ninny?”
“I’m not a ninny!” Bennett screeched. He flung his arms around like noodles, his hands fisted.
Bodhi caught Bennett’s fist and pried Brayden’s hand off his shirt. “None of it. We’re having a good time.”
“We could watch that one bug movie…” Blaine offered.
“Bugging Out?” Brody bounced on the edge of the bed.
Blaine nodded.
“I don’t know,” Braelynn shivered, “I don’t really want to watch any bug movies…”
Blaine frowned. He turned around and headed back to the living room. He found his sketching supplies right where he’d left them, so he picked them up and moved them to the coffee table. Ah, he still needed paper.
Blaine walked to Elia, placing a hand on her arm, “Mam, do you have paper?”
“Yes, you know where it is. Do you want me to get it?”
Blaine nodded. Elia stood up. She opened a drawer in the kitchen and brought back a couple of pieces, giving them to Blaine. He thanked her and then hopped back to his clipboard, pinning the sheets to it. He tapped his chin with the pencil. Blaine squeezed his eyes closed. What to draw?
Elia’s voice carried through the air, light and soft, humming that old Burnish song about bullfrogs… “We stand still, yet time still goes… our solemn hearts will fly…”
He opened one eye. Elia looked at one flower, then another, and placed both in her vase. “Where do the bullfrogs sing sad songs… where do the lilies linger?”
“Mam…” Blaine stared adoringly. Without hesitation, he knew what he must draw. First a circle, because all good things started with circles… then a line…
BANG.
Blaine paused and looked up.
“Hey mama…”
There was no need to say anything. A gunshot rang through the air, and then another. Elia stood up instantly. She turned off the living room and kitchen lights, locked the doors, and grabbed Blaine’s hand, “Where are your siblings?”
They hurried from the living room down an adjacent hall, which was lined with four bedrooms. Elia rushed to the bedroom door at the end of the hall, where the siblings loitered. She counted them all in her head before turning out the lights and signaling for them to move, “Hey, to the hall. Now. Bryson, get a mattress.”
“What’s going on?”
“Our neighbors sound like they’re in an argument that’s not ending well.” All the Gretchen siblings knew Elia’s way of making situations sound better than they were. With her phone pinned between her ear and shoulder, she covered some of the siblings with a mattress, “Stay low. Bennett, Blaine, and you two girls—you all get in the hall closet.”
“Why are they yelling?”
“Wait for me, don’t leave me!!”
“We won’t all fit—” Braelynn’s voice broke, her jaw trembling as she tried to keep back tears, “Should we leave?”
“No.” Elia looked around. She felt Blaze tug on her shirt. She lifted him from the floor, holding him close, “No, then we’d be exposed.”
Blaine balled up tightly, knees to his chin, as he sat in the doorway of the closet, between the twins. He felt his heart thumping hard… like it was going to leave his chest. He looked up, “Is daddy going to stop them?”
“Daddy’s an elite warrior.” Brayden pulled Blaine’s face closer to himself, “Elites don’t… they don’t do this stuff.”
“Who does?”
“The police, silly.”
Elia tapped them, “Be quiet.”
There was a moment of silence. BANG. Another shot rang out, sending a shiver down Blaine’s spine. The police would be here any moment. They would. His hands tightened around Brayden’s shirt, clinging as though letting go was a death sentence. The area became stuffy, and it felt like he could feel everyone breathing. It was as though the hall would swallow them… burying them in the mattresses and the darkness. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth.
Bristol pulled a pillow around her head tighter. She stuttered, “I t-thought daddy was a Banner S-Second?”
“He’s… he’s that too.” Brody’s voice cracked, his thoughts becoming too jumbled to give the clear answer he would’ve liked, “Daddy’s… he’s… the elite part means war stuff… not this.”
“I said be quiet!” Elia’s whisper was sharper than she likely meant it to be, but the siblings fell silent. She pulled Blaze to her, holding him tightly, “We must be silent.”
Blaine tensed as people in the houses all around them screamed. A bullet shattered a window somewhere. It carried on longer than it should have. He heard Braelynn whisper behind him through silent sobs, “W-Where are the p-police?”
They were coming. At least twenty minutes passed before sirens and police lights filled the area. Blaine could hear the police outside. He could hear boots, heavy against the porch. A few crisp knocks rattled the door. “Police department! If anyone inside can hear me, stay where you are!”
Blaine released a breath he’d been holding. The police came this time. He remembered the last time a shooting happened… it was down the street, and they didn’t come. People in Needslight knew the police were understaffed… so the chances of getting help in a crime-ridden neighborhood like this was fifty-fifty.
A few more moments passed before the police knocked again, telling everyone that it was safe to come out. Following behind Elia, the Gretchen siblings crawled out of their hiding like bugs. They moved to the living room slowly, where a police officer stood by the open front door.
The siblings stood around, stunned. They said nothing for a moment, but once the police had gone and the door was shut, they burst out into tears. There was nothing but wailing, even Elia had a tear in her eye. The door opened again and Emrysrushed into the house. Through wet eyes, Blaine saw Braelynn run to her dad, and Emrys pulled her into a hug.
“You’re alright, you’re alright,” He held Braelynn tight, repeating the words over and over, “I’m here, it’s okay.”
_________
I probably won’t have more for a little while, but yeah. I know I shared the gun scene earlier, but sharing it again never hurt anyone. maybe. I think I’m going to use a different poem as well, I’m not really fond of it. :/
wa wawawa waaaa
Ooo! This is interesting!!
(I actually thought the dad was gonna die in this chapter from scene 1…. so I’m relieved that he made it. XD)
A few typos I caught, but at this point I’m not sure what sort of feedback you’re looking for, so let me know. This is interesting and I’m eager to keep reading if you post more!
So man y kids… and all with the same letter at the beginning of their name. XD It’s like a family I know, expect they have 15 kids and it’s all “J” names.
I think it’ll take me a few more chapters to get them all sorted out, but as long as it’s not vital that I know who is who by this point then I think that’s fine. I have the MC the dad and mom… the oldest brother and second oldest… I think.
Anyhow.
I like the sibling dynamic too. XD
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who couldn't hear the music
eeeee yay!! ? I’m pretty much open to all feedback… yeah.
(I actually thought the dad was gonna die in this chapter from scene 1…. so I’m relieved that he made it. XD)
LOL
It’s like a family I know, expect they have 15 kids and it’s all “J” names.
? I guess great minds think alike lolol
Yeah, it’s not vital. It probably won’t be for a while, because there are a lot more important people than them. Blaine, Emrys, Elia… those few are the ones that matter most… ish…
Thanks for reading it, it makes me so happy!!
wa wawawa waaaa
You are very welcome!!
Okay sounds good.
Okay, for a little more editorial feedback…..
and Emrysrushed
Second to last paragraph, you just need a space there.
And then structurally,
Put your right hand to your chest…”
This seems a little odd, because 1. it is one of the more standard ways of swearing an oath, and 2. as a soldier he would know this from training and wouldn’t need to be told. I would say something like “swear the oath” etc. Something that tells him what he is going to do, and then he would know the corresponding body language. If you really want us to know why he puts his hand, then have Blaine tell us through his eyes.
Emrys got back in line as the next warrior-soldier was called forward.
This breaks the moment for me. This ceremony feels very formal, militaristic, and important. “Got back in line” is anything but. ?
I would reword it to something more formal. (Happy to provide some options if you’d like.)
There may have been a few typos, but I wasn’t sure if I needed to note them, so I don’t remember where they are. I’ll keep an eye out for them in the next parts you post.
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who couldn't hear the music
Good scene! I’m still not really sure what happened at the end… but yeah, I was expecting the dad to die too. ??
I like the siblings too (although their names are confusing, haha.)
"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C.S.L.
lol there was a space in the actual doc, I don’t know why it didn’t transfer over…
This seems a little odd, because 1. it is one of the more standard ways of swearing an oath, and 2. as a soldier he would know this from training and wouldn’t need to be told. I would say something like “swear the oath” etc. Something that tells him what he is going to do, and then he would know the corresponding body language. If you really want us to know why he puts his hand, then have Blaine tell us through his eyes.
Oh, good point. I’ma change that… ?
LOL XD Lemme see… I might need ideas.
Thanks!!
lol whaaatttt….!! Why were you guys expecting he was going to die?? XD
I’m still not really sure what happened at the end…
Mmm, what do you mean?
wa wawawa waaaa
I don’t know who got shot!
"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C.S.L.
Emrys set Blaine down and tilted Bennett’s face upward, “Of course I’m coming home today! I have a couple days off and ten little beans waiting to party with me.”
Bennett’s face lit up, “Are we gonna watch a movie?”
Awwwww
Mam…” Blaine stared adoringly. Without hesitation, he knew what he must draw. First a circle, because all good things started with circles… then a line…
So sweet!
There was no need to say anything. A gunshot rang through the air, and then another.
Oh nooo.
“You’re alright, you’re alright,” He held Braelynn tight, repeating the words over and over, “I’m here, it’s okay
Oh good. *Breathes a sigh of relief* This is beautiful. I love their family.
The shootout scene is even more tense when you know the dad is out there somewhere! I was absolutely hooked. A great mix of light and shadows. You don’t know where the danger is most. Everyone’s relief at seeing each other safe is palpable.
I also thought it was interesting how Elia’s comment “it’s dangerous out there” put all the danger outside, so when it was followed by cozy family time, we felt safe inside. Like the Igby Cottage in WFS. Then everything flipped when they had to shelter in place from the violence. Nowhere felt safe anmore. That really heightened the stakes.
The only thing I noticed was that I couldn’t really keep the siblings apart. It was hard to envision their distinct personalities, and having similar names made that harder. Is this a comic? If so, you obviously would be describing them already. Otherwise, I would try to clarify a few ages etc. a little better.
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
Ah. No one “on screen” got shot, just the neighbors in the background, if that makes any sense.
?
??
I also thought it was interesting how Elia’s comment “it’s dangerous out there” put all the danger outside, so when it was followed by cozy family time, we felt safe inside. Like the Igby Cottage in WFS. Then everything flipped when they had to shelter in place from the violence. Nowhere felt safe anmore. That really heightened the stakes.
Oh wait that is interesting.
…I’ll just casually pretend like that was intentional lolThe only thing I noticed was that I couldn’t really keep the siblings apart. It was hard to envision their distinct personalities, and having similar names made that harder. Is this a comic? If so, you obviously would be describing them already. Otherwise, I would try to clarify a few ages etc. a little better.
*sigh*
I probably should go through and add things to differentiate/clarify. I most likely will, idk.
The first two chapters of this book are really difficult, but I promise things become a bit easier later.
This is the actual novel version of my comic, the one that I will translate into a comic later… it’d be so much easier as a comic lolol sorta
(Thanks for reading it!!) ??
wa wawawa waaaa
I’ll just casually pretend that I didn’t read that.Pure genius! 😉
I probably should go through and add things to differentiate/clarify. I most likely will, idk.
The first two chapters of this book are really difficult, but I promise things become a bit easier later.
Got it! And I get the struggle. You don’t want to info dump or overwhelm the audience, but still need to clarify stuff. For me, if I could understand their ages a little better it would be easier. And if I knew smidgen more what they looked like so far as that expressed their personalities. Mischievous grins? Messy hair? Or a little girl’s neat braids that her brother uses to tickle her nose (much to her displeasure)? You have a little of this, it just needs to be more in proportion to the amount of characters you have.
This is the actual novel version of my comic, the one that I will translate into a comic later… it’d be so much easier as a comic lolol sorta
Definitely lol. The difficulties would change.
(Thanks for reading it!!) ??
Absolutely! I really like this story.
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
Okay after a long time… I have new chapterrrr heeheehee… !!
@elishavet-pidyon @ellette-giselle @hybridlore @anyone-interested || Tagging you three since you responded… but if you’d rather not be tagged just lmk… 😛Also, Elishavet, I saw your other message but didn’t know what to say. I agree with what you said, and I tried to add some more details in this chapter, heehee.
_________________________
CHAPTER 0.5
Several cars pulled up in front of the Long Institute of Education, known affectionately by the students there as LIE. Bryson, Bodhi, and Braelynn—who had been sitting on a bench outside the school building—stood up and climbed into one of the cars. Bryson sat down in the front beside Emrys, throwing his backpack into the back with his siblings, “Hey dad. Guess what!”
“Hello Bryson, what is it?”
“Coach Kellan already picked the handball team! We’re gonna have a face off against the cats from Somerset High. Kellan picked me for the team!”
“That’s great!” Emrys pulled off, “When is the match? I might be able to come.”
“It’s not for a while, I think next month on the 23rd?” Bryson turned around and peered at his brother, “Is that what it was, Bodhi?”
“Maybe.” Bodhi crossed his arms and tilted his head, kicking Bryson’s backpack off his feet, “You tell me.”
Bryson rolled his eyes.
“Are you coming home for a while, dad?” Braelynn asked.
“No, your mom just asked me to pick you up since I was passing by, and I wanted to see you all anyway.” Emrys sighed, “But I have a lot of work to do.”
The car ride was silent from here, each Gretchen staring out their window silently. They reached the house after a while. Emrys dropped the siblings off and then pulled away. Thok. Some of the younger Gretchen siblings already stood around outside, bouncing a small rubber ball against the side of the house. Bryson, Braelynn and Bodhi changed out of their school uniforms and rushed to join the others.
Blaine caught the ball and threw it to Bryson, then sat down in the grass beside Bristol and Bodhi.
“Me, Arsyn, Carius, Stephen, Kofi, and Tyler—I think Coach Kellan picked the right guys for the game.” Bryson threw the ball to Braxton, and then flexed his arm, patting the slight muscle.
Braxton threw the ball to Brayden, who caught it and launched it towards Braelynn. Brayden blew a raspberry, “I bet they’re gonna beat your haunches.”
Bristol swatted a bug away, “Isn’t Carius kinda… delulu?”
“Arsyn thinks it’ll be a tough game,” Bryson ignored his younger siblings, catching the ball from Braelynn, “and I agree. He said the Somerset kids are really good. We decided we’re gonna get out early tomorrow and see how much practice we can get in before school.”
Braxton caught the ball from Bryson and threw it to Bennett, “Don’t work yourselves too hard. You can’t get good over night.”
Bryson tilted his head, “Yeah, but I can try.”
“Yeah, that’s dumb too.” Bennett missed the ball, “Don’t hurt yourself before Warrior’s Day. I’ll never forgive you if we miss the parade.”
“I wouldn’t forgive myself either,” Bryson laughed, running his hand through his little brother’s hair.
There was a slight pause.
Bodhi plucked some grass and rubbed it between his stocky fingers, “I’m still mad coach didn’t pick me for the handball game too. I-I’m just as good as you. And we’re in the same grade.”
The bushes that fenced in the yard rustled as a small girl crawled through. The siblings looked her direction. She stood up, “Hi guys!”
“Hi Bunny!” Blaine waved.
“Whatcha doing, Evelyn?” Bryson beamed.
Evelyn dusted her frilly brown skirt off, “Nothing. Can I play?”
* * *
One-wall handball was the biggest sport in Burne. To be the best player was the dream of many young boys and girls.
The stadium where Bryson and his friends were to play was small. It was built like a giant garage. Instead of doors, a large opening in the side of the building welcomed in audiences and players, and a movable bleacher stand sat in front of it. In the center of the building was the playing area, a tall stone wall and a blue floor extending away from it. On the other side of the playing area was the concession stand, where a long line of people stood waiting to buy snacks.
The crowd hummed all around, filling the air with laughter and chatter. Announcers’ voices boomed through the mics, announcing the playing teams and the first match. Blaine smiled as he and Bristol peered over the short wall that divided the crowds from the judges’ booth. The four men with headsets didn’t see the siblings. Bodhi tugged Blaine’s shirt lightly, and Blaine sat back down, staring out at the game starting below. He tilted his head. A warm smell drifted through the air… popcorn. Blaine looked around, “I want popcorn.”
“I do too.” Emrys leaned towards Elia, “I’ll go grab some snacks, ask the kids what they want.”
The whispered question passed down the aisle, until each Gretchen had said what they wanted. Bodhi leaned forward, “Hey dad, are you gonna need help carrying it all?”
“Yeah, probably. You can come—and you too, Braxton. The more hands the merrier.” Emrys and the boys started towards the concessions.
Announcers’ voices boomed across the stadium. A new match started. Stephan and Carius versus a tall boy with curly hair and a ginger boy with stumpy legs. The match was even, with the LIE players scoring more. Both teams changed their players out as another match began.
Bryson glanced up at Kellan, noticing that the coach now stood more aggressively—stance wide and arms crossed, his eyes watching his players like a hawk. Score red, score red. Kellan turned to the remaining LIE students, “Kofi and Bryson. I want you to play the next match.”
“I knew these guys were wild, but this is crazy.” Stephan breathed. “I believe in you, ma bros. You two can score for us if anyone can.”
“That’s generous.” Arsyn crossed his arms, “But this is the last bit of time… make it count. I don’t want to be beaten by a bunch of dumb Somerset kids.”
“Leave it to us.” Bryson pulled his gloves on and adjusted his eyewear. He stepped out onto the court, watching as the other team exchanged their players as well. Their new opponents—a redhead and a blond—looked them up and down. A raise in the blond’s brow set an unspoken challenge. Cocky. Bryson squinted at him, but then turned to Kofi, “Front or back?”
“Back is yours,” Kofi tilted his head.
The match began. Back and forth, the two teams kept the ball in rhythm. Score, red. Score, red. The opponents were creeping too close to the twenty-one points needed to win the first half of the match.
Bryson clenched his teeth. This was not their home stadium, it was his. This was his first real match since he was little, his moment to prove how good he really was. And, he didn’t ask Emrys to come see this game only for him to lose. No, he’d win all right.
The ball hit the wall low, shooting off quicker than it’d been launched.
“Yours!”
Bryson sprinted towards the ball as it dropped lower and lower, just beyond his reach. He could see it… just right there… so close, but so far. It taunted him. If he just—
Bryson lunged forward, his foot slipping on the slick stadium floor. He knew it was a bad move midway through the action, and now it was too late to stop. He clenched his teeth as his knee twisted inward, his movement thrusting him forward. He saw the ball smack the ground, still out of his reach. Thok. Bryson released a gasp as he fell. He hit the floor harder than he was ready for.
The ball rolled away.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t move, man.”
It wasn’t that bad. He’d sprained his knees and ankles all the time. He tried to stand, but his leg screamed in agony, ready to give out beneath him. Kofi slid an arm around him and helped him limp off to the side of the court and sit down. Bryson could feel his heart in his chest, beating louder, beating harder. The pain in his knee grew. All the voices around him became a blur, and he felt nausea creep up on him for a moment. He gulped and panted.
In the corner of his eye, he could see his parents and siblings rushing down from the stands. He felt his face flush, and he tried not to think about the situation, although it played in his head again and again, each time more blurry than the last.
Bryson leaned back and sighed. There went his good moment. Wasted.
* * *
A few days had passed since the handball match. The morning light trickled through the small window beside Bennett and Blaine’s bunk bed.
Blaine rolled over, half buried beneath the stacks of clothes sitting on the end of his bed. He kicked them off. Why did Bennett have so many clothes? The bedroom door slammed open. Bristol bounced in, her short hair sticking up all around like a sea urchin, “It’s Warrior’s Day! It’s Warrior’s Day!”
The bunk bed creaked as Bennett pushed his legs out from beneath the covers. He smacked his lips a couple times and stretched to the side, “No, Warrior’s Day is tomorrow.”
Blaine leaned up and rubbed his eyes, yawning, “Then what was mam saying the other day about doing something today?”
“Yeah, what about that?” Bristol frowned, crossing her arms and tilting her head towards the ceiling.
“Mam was saying that we’ll start decorating today.”
“Ohhh!” Bristol beamed. There was a pause, and then she furrowed her brow again, “We aren’t going to the parade then?”
“Nope. Thanks to Bryson’s knee, we’ll be staying home.” Bennett dug around in his drawer, and he gave a weak push to close the drawer, but it was so full that it didn’t budge. He slid into his fluffy bathrobe and yawned, “That’s what I heard from Braelynn. But at least Windsworth and Evelyn will come over. It’s a little less unfortunate when they’re here.”
Blaine watched Bristol follow Bennett out of the room. He climbed down the bunk ladder and made his way to the bathroom. He sat outside the door and almost fell back asleep while waiting for whoever was inside to come out. After getting ready for the day in the bathroom, Blaine made his way to the living room.
Blaine sat down on the couch.
Most of his siblings were already awake—Bryson sat in the recliner working on some online homework, Brayden and Brody sat on the longer couch stripping ribbons with a pair of scissors, and Braelynn was in the kitchen cooking something. Bodhi and Braxton were holding a banner against a wall, waiting for Elia to tell them if it was straight and even.
“A little lower on your side, Bodhi. Yes—that looks better. Go ahead and pin it there.”
“Soooo… what’s Warrior’s Day even for, mama?” Brayden threw the ribbon he had to the ground and ran his finger along the scissors edge.
Bryson looked up from his laptop, shifting himself ever so slightly to a more comfortable position, “Warrior’s Day is the day that we give a bit of recognition to the warriors as a thanks for all they do to keep our country safe.”
“Obviously, Brayden.” Brody elbowed his twin.
“I was asking mama, not you guys!” Brayden slouched back and pouted, “I knew that anyway… b-but the warriors sure ain’t doing anything for Needslight.”
Braelynn peeked through the archway that led from the kitchen to the living room. She dusted her hands on her apron, “Mam, I think we’re out of ranch seasoning. And that’s, like, a really main ingredient―I can’t make Crunchies tomorrow without it.”
“Nooo!” Braxton’s howl rang through the house. He pulled on the strings of his orange hoodie, tightening it around his ruddy face, “What’s a holiday without Crunchies?!”
Elia hummed. She glanced at the squarish clock above the front door and tapped her foot.
“Cola! We need cola!” Bodhi shouted.
“The seasoning is so important,” Braelynn tapped her fingers together.
Bristol leaned against the back of the couch, “I want marshmallows!”
Elia sighed, “Since we need a few things still, we’ll add them to the list and I’ll pick them this evening. Bryson, will you start a list?”
The siblings shouted off more things that went beyond ingredients and supplies for the party. Bryson tapped the pencil against his chin.
Elia paused for a moment and tilted her head, murmuring something about going later, but then she shook her head. She retrieved her purse from the counter, slinging it over her shoulder. Bryson winked and handed her the list, and she started out the door, “Okay, I’m heading out. I’ll be back soon.”
“Be careful, mama,” Blaine beamed, tapping his fingers together.
Elia pressed a kiss to his cheek before stepping out the door, “I will.”
_________
I promise this is the last time I bomb the Gretchens. Beyond this chapter, it should be easier to remember/identify peoples.
So, compensation. Here is a picture of all the siblings at this point in the book:
wa wawawa waaaa
I couldn’t be bothered with hands so just ignore them.
wa wawawa waaaa
UGH! KP signed me out as I was typing! That’s a new one. *sulks*
Let’s try this again……
I’m starting to get a feel for the amount of siblings! I pick a few to keep an eye on and the rest sort of come and go. It’s like getting to know a family with a tone of kids. (which is what it is, lol)
This was a great chapter and I really enjoyed it! There are a few things I noticed that could be edited/fixed.
We’re gonna have a face off against the cats from Somerset High.
“Cats” with a capital “C” if that’s the team name.
Emrys dropped the siblings off and then pulled away. Thok. Some of the younger Gretchen siblings already [….]
Not sure what “Thok” means. This is one of a few times it shows up mid-paragraph.
Bodhi plucked some grass and rubbed it between his stocky fingers, “I’m still mad coach didn’t pick me for the handball game too. I-I’m just as good as you. And we’re in the same grade.”
The bushes that fenced in the yard rustled as a small girl crawled through. The siblings looked her direction. She stood up, “Hi guys!”
So in this scene Bodhi is saying something kind of important. He’s telling his older brother about something that bothered/disappointed him, and then we get no response from Bryson, just this odd interruption. It leads me to assume, 1. there’s a paragraph missing, or 2, Bryson didn’t care to answer.
I would do something like this:
Bodhi plucked some grass and rubbed it between his stocky fingers, “I’m still mad coach didn’t pick me for the handball game too. I-I’m just as good as you. And we’re in the same grade.”
Before Bryson could reply, the bushes that fenced in the yard rustled as a small girl crawled through. The siblings looked her direction. She stood up, “Hi guys!”
Just something that ties these two paragraphs together.
And, he didn’t ask Emrys to come see this game only for him to lose.
We are in Bryson’s headspace at the moment, so unless he refers to his dad by his first name, it would make more sense to say “his dad,” “his father” etc.
Anyhow, that’s all I had edit-wise.
I really enjoyed this chapter. The game was very vivid and I really felt for Bryson. Having played sports, I know what it’s like to want to pull the team out of the rut, especially when family came to see you play.
The drawing of the sibs is also really nice. Puts it in perspective!
You have a great way of writing, very engaging and easily sparks mental images. Excited to read more!!
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who couldn't hear the music
UGH! KP signed me out as I was typing! That’s a new one. *sulks*
Let’s try this again……
I’m starting to get a feel for the amount of siblings! I pick a few to keep an eye on and the rest sort of come and go. It’s like getting to know a family with a tone of kids. (which is what it is, lol)
lolol
yaaayy
Not sure what “Thok” means. This is one of a few times it shows up mid-paragraph.
*sigh* My mom said the same thing. It’s the sound of the ball bouncing quickly. I meant to italicize it, but forgot. Maybe I should remove it…
So in this scene Bodhi is saying something kind of important. He’s telling his older brother about something that bothered/disappointed him, and then we get no response from Bryson, just this odd interruption. It leads me to assume, 1. there’s a paragraph missing, or 2, Bryson didn’t care to answer.
I would do something like this:
Bodhi plucked some grass and rubbed it between his stocky fingers, “I’m still mad coach didn’t pick me for the handball game too. I-I’m just as good as you. And we’re in the same grade.”
Before Bryson could reply, the bushes that fenced in the yard rustled as a small girl crawled through. The siblings looked her direction. She stood up, “Hi guys!”
Just something that ties these two paragraphs together.
???? *intense keyboard typing noises*
We are in Bryson’s headspace at the moment, so unless he refers to his dad by his first name, it would make more sense to say “his dad,” “his father” etc.
Good point.
I really enjoyed this chapter. The game was very vivid and I really felt for Bryson. Having played sports, I know what it’s like to want to pull the team out of the rut, especially when family came to see you play.
The drawing of the sibs is also really nice. Puts it in perspective!
??
You have a great way of writing, very engaging and easily sparks mental images.
That means so much to me!!
wa wawawa waaaa
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