Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Short Story Critiques › Just a quick short story
- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 years ago by Koshka.
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June 22, 2022 at 4:56 pm #111720Anonymous
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If y’all have any advice, don’t hesitate to share! It’s just something I wrote from the heart:
Suddenly, Dusk could feel someone’s arms wrap around her. She froze, left her hands dangling useless at her sides. She’d never been held like this, not by Swift, not by her mother, certainly not by Dawn. But then, she’d never exposed her vulnerability before. Would Roan use her weakness against her? A physical attack she expected and would’ve welcomed, but that wasn’t his goal. This attack on her desire for affection and her constant, unmet need for love was a battle she’d definitely lose. Dusk pulled back to shove him away. But then a tender expression crossed his face. An expression she’d never seen on him. He looked as lost as she felt, as lonely and in need of love too. It was too revealing, too confronting. She broke free from him. She was a strong warrior, fierce, and perfectly fine with concealing everything from her past. Yet her heart pounded out of control like she was petrified. She could never live with the fears that haunted her. She could never fight this battle of emotion. Why me, why me, why me? I should have never come here.
“Lass….breathe.”
I can’t. I can’t.
“Do you know why we hug, lass?”
She hesitated, then shook her head.
“No.”
Roan grinned from ear to ear, placing a paw on his chest, “So my heart, can tell your heart, that everything will be okay.”June 22, 2022 at 5:05 pm #111722Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
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@wilder-w. Oh my goodness, this is absolutely beautiful! The only thing I would say is that the final sentence would probably be better like this: “So my heart can tell your heart that everything will be okay.” I’m not the best at Grammar, but I don’t believe the commas are necessary is all, but otherwise that is beautiful! I can feel the emotion in it, and I love that from stories. I love emotion much more than action and even normally more than laughs. 😉 Keep going Girl, you’re doing amazing! <3
June 22, 2022 at 5:07 pm #111723Anonymous- Rank: Loyal Sidekick
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Shanks. Yes, it does need comma’s. That is something I forgot lol. But yeah, it comes from the heart that scene. Hugs always were the best healing for me. Lol.
June 22, 2022 at 5:10 pm #111725Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
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@wilder-w. You’re Welcome! Writing from the heart is always the best kind. 😉 Aw yes, hugs are therapy. 😉
December 16, 2022 at 4:35 pm #124725@wilder-w
So I was randomly looking at old posts, and AHH!!! Another animal writer!
Great job showing the emotion! I must admit that as much as I like the end, I want more of these characters, a lot more. But that’s what short stories do; they give one taste of an amazing world, then leave you satisfied but hoping for more.
Anyway, good to see someone else on here that uses animal characters. I’ve begun to feel like the only one around.
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkDecember 16, 2022 at 5:29 pm #124729Anonymous- Rank: Loyal Sidekick
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@koshka Ahhh…yes…I am indeed an animal writer…I write foxes lol. And this is more than a short section; it’s part of my 2nd book: Journey to Amber Forest! I’m so excited bc this week I wrap up the final draft!! And girl, you definitely are not the only one using animal perspective. What do you write about, if I may ask?
December 16, 2022 at 9:13 pm #124760@wilder-w
That’s awesome! How are you publishing?
Yes, of course you can ask. =) I’m currently working on a trilogy, with MCs being wolves (1st book), foxes (2nd book), and small wild cats (3rd book). The world is slightly complicated, divided up between tribes, kingdoms, and even a democracy in the last book. The first two are medieval, with the last taking place in a more modern time.
Now what I write about? I call my books true fiction, stories which, while they may not be real (when was there a world made entirely of animals?), tell very real truths.
I’m hoping to finish my first draft by the end of next year, but we shall see. I’ve been working on this series for about three years now…so yeah. Not going to get my hopes too high.
- This reply was modified 2 years ago by Koshka.
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
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