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Chapter 1
I looked out of the van window as the mountain view changed to city view. For as long as I could remember, I had been living at Karisdlia. As if you can call living there living, like at a house or something.
Marklos didn’t want me to come on this mission in the first place. It’s no wonder really if you think about it. After all, I’m four years younger, and just one level behind.
Maybe I should explain myself better. Ten years ago director Jave Klee-on heard a child calling, went outside, and found two squalling toddlers.
Lets just be clear about something, the director isn’t known for his patience, so that’s why he doesn’t choose toddlers, he chooses 8 through 10 year olds. But he couldn’t leave two toddlers out in the cold mountains can he?
Marklos Jinve started his intense training a year later, and in another year, five-year-old Mira Krin (that’s me) started her training.
~*~*~*~
“Krin, you might want to give Jay a call and tell him you might be late.” 60yr old Dave Hopkinz stated. Hopkinz never asked our opinion on any thing. I guess that’s what happens when you go from being head of a team of five, to pick-up driver. I opened my laptop and started typing, before I remembered I had the program on reprogram.
“Hopkinz, will you give me your phone, so I can make a call?” I asked
“Sure.” He answered.
~*~*~*~40min later,
“Krin stay in the van while Hopkinz and I get the kids.” Marklos ordered. I’d have stayed put if Hopkinz had told me, but Marklos…?
“You have no right what so ever to boss me around Jinv! Or have you forgotten you’re still a level 10, not 12?!” I retorted.
“Stay in the van Krin! You’re still a lowly lev 9, so I get to tell you what to do!” He spat.
The argument went on a good deal longer, but Marklos started saying things that countered what he had said earlier. That all most all ways happens when someone argues with Mitch or I.
Finally Hopkinz told both of us to get out of the van and help get the kids. After I had closed my van door I raced inside the school/house. This was my first time to get the kids, even though by rule, you are not supposed to go on a mission if you have not learned how to choose the best.
Because only the best live in Karisdlia.~*~*~*~
“ Left jump and swing to the right.” Hopkinz called out. Tricky. For that jump you have to jump to the left, and right away swing to the right. This move is supposed to look like your swinging and jumping at the same time. If you jump to far to the left, you’ll fall, and if you swing to far to the right, you topple.
I wandered into another room, and found a room filled with books. The door squeaked and I had to push hard to open it. I smelled preserver in the room. Preserver has been illegal for over 5,000 years, probably in the “Perna War” in 2935 A.D. There were history, science, how to speak different languages, and more. All of the books had at least five inches of dust. It makes no sense really; I mean after all, these books could have been copied into our language now, so there must be another reason, but what?
“Krin come on, it’s time to choose!” Marklos called.
“Coming!” I yelled back. With one last look at the enchanting room, I went back to the training room.
~*~*~*~
1 hour later,
Hopkinz had chosen four boys and one girl. As they piled out of the van I felt my head buzzing. I don’t think I was this talkative at nine.
“Krin, take Faithia Fantie to her room.” Hopkinz ordered.
“Come on, Hopkinz, should I put her in room 565cb?” I asked.
“Ask the Director.” Hopkinz sounded irritated.
I was told to take her to Joy Transhall’s room. Joy is a level 2, but still nine. She was picked up at a different school than this bunch, a year ago.
“ You haven’t told me your name.” Faithia said.
“What?” I asked.
“You haven’t told me your name.” She restated.
“You should have paid more attention. If you’re planning on moving up in levels, you have to have a good memory.” I told her.
She lowered her head as if trying to remember.
“Well here we are.” I said.
She looked up, and I saw she had been crying.
“Oh, and by the way, my name is Krin, Mira Krin.” I told her.
The biggest smile I had ever seen spread over her face.
“Thank you for taking me to my room, Mira Krin.” She said.
Knock Knock Knock.
“Transhall, come open the door. Your roommate is here.” I said.
“Coming.” Joy called back. “Hi I’m Joy and I’m nine, what’s your name and how old are you?” She asked in one breath.
~*~*~*~
The training room is four levels below ground, and the lift takes three minutes, so I usually take the stairs. When I got to the training room, Jay Kove, Mitch Kravet’s and my trainer, was teaching Mitch a new shooting move. So I wandered over to a computer, and started trying to hack into another persons program. It took five minutes for me to hack into it. Mitch and Jay were still working, so I look to see if any programs were left for me to hack into.
It took 15 minutes for me to hack into Mitch’s program. I checked to see if any one had hacked into my latest program, the same number as before, only one. Mitch and I have a sort of rivalry, we each try to lock the other out our newest program, so far it hasn’t worked.
“Mira, come over here for a minute.” Jay called. “ Mira, I think you need to try practicing the ‘double twist under shoot,’” Jay paused, then continued, “you should try to speed up your plan making to. You never know how much time you’ll have.” Jay was in his rare firm mood, which meant I’d only get in trouble if I argue.
“Yes Jay.” I answered.WIP - Decisions
Kapeefer til we're old and greyThis is my first real story, so I was wandering if y’all could give me some tips.
WIP - Decisions
Kapeefer til we're old and greyFirst of all, this reminds me a LOT of my first writings. You’ve got a great base layer sort of thing going here, but it’s sort of bare-bones. It needs some additions. One thing I’m noticing in your writing is a general avoidance of the word “said”. It took me forever to figure out that that word was not the mark of an uncreative writer. If you want to shake it up a bit, try dialogue tags instead of just finding different words for said, that way a little action gets in with the dialogue. For example, saying what someone did right after they said something. A gesture or movement.
And more description would be helpful for keeping the readers interested. You’re switching settings a lot, so there’s plenty of opportunities for it. 😉
Lots more to say, I’ll look it over more thoroughly and pick up some other stuff.
Keep writing! 🙂Not boring … no, its not that. Mainly I don’t have any idea what the story is about. It seems to take place in the future and is about some group of people that live together or something like that and have a ranking system of sorts based on their performance. Other than that I don’t understand it. You really need to slow down. You fly through the scenes so fast. I’m guessing you have these plot lines you really want to get to so bad that you are trying to get to them as fast as you can, faster than you should. Slow down. Don’t change scenes so much. Description is sooooo important. That is the main thing that’s missing. I didn’t feel like I was there – in your story. I need to feel that. I need more historical, social, and locational context. I need to be able to see everything that is happening. If you can get me to feel like I am right there watching the story unfold, you will be 90% through the journey to being a pro writer. Its not always easy, but keep trying. You’ll find that your writing skills will increase rapidly.
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They mentioned most of it already, but one thing I was confused about is the names— which names belong to which characters? Maybe you could help with this by taking one sentence to describe each character’s face, or some odd fact about them, or something that sets them apart in the reader’s mind and makes them peculiar to their name and memorable.
On a more technical level, I noticed several times you used the word ‘to’ when you meant ‘too’. It’s a common error, but it can really be confusing.
And also, the scene when Mira Krin discovers a library of books, I get the impression you were trying to tell the reader that this was somehow odd, but I don’t get why it should be odd that books should be stashed in a library. Maybe it had something to do with the ‘preserver’? Or maybe books have been banned for some reason? I’m not getting it. Maybe you should slow down and explain— give us a few concise sentences of backstory from Mira’s Point of View (POV) that explain why she found it odd that books should be there.But however many errors there are— and compared to my first writing there are not many!— this is definitely not boring. Keep it up— you can really go somewhere with this.
And one thing you have to remember, is that the only way to get better at writing is to write. So you may end up writing some pretty awful stuff, but you have to let yourself do that because otherwise you will not come to the point where you can write something it doesn’t kill you to read. So don’t be discouraged— this shows promise. Keep it. Work with it. Make it something great. Because the greatness is there, I believe. You just have to bring it out.
Forgot to mention … You seem to have a knack for showing the internal thoughts of your characters.
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So Kate, the library comes up later. I also have a name guide but I just didn’t put it on here.
Rosey, I read in a book once that young authors over use the word said, so that’s why.
Daeus, it’s a spy story in the future.WIP - Decisions
Kapeefer til we're old and grey
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