Home Page › Forums › Other Art Forms › Poetry › Poetry Critiques › I'd love your help with this poem
- This topic has 31 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by BlueJay.
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March 26, 2016 at 7:48 pm #10311
@bluejay That looks great! Only two little things. First, the “about” in “About forty days later” seems to be in the way. I think the poem will flow better without it. Second, I might put an ellipsis either before or after the “And guess what they saw?”
That’s it.
Best regards,
Daeus Lamb, raspberry eater.
π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’
March 26, 2016 at 9:04 pm #10312*blanches* raspberry!?! How can you eat those? (I can’t eat blackberries either. I do like blueberries and strawberries though.)
Thank you. Now, an illustrator….. (or not! π )March 26, 2016 at 11:08 pm #10315@spradlin Come and check this poem out. What do you think?
March 26, 2016 at 11:39 pm #10316Love this! I feel like it could be used in Vacation Bible School or something of the like π it has a really unique tone and simplicity to it that I really liked! Great job ;D
"When enemies attack your kingdom you don't flee you show them why it's your kingdom. With your lightsaber."
March 27, 2016 at 7:28 pm #10329Question: (@spradlin, @daeus, @cahndida serkhaman, @jadamae, @sarah-h)
If you were illustrating this for a child, how would you illustrate this verse.In a land long ago,
When men were all bad,
They stole and they murdered,
Which made the Lord sad.I obviously don’t want to scare them, with people killing people, but I don’t want to make the picture too happy and alright. (Do you know what I mean?)
Any suggestions?
March 27, 2016 at 7:29 pm #10330Oops. Try you again. @cahndida-serkhaman
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by BlueJay.
March 27, 2016 at 8:07 pm #10341@bluejay I’d imagine a caricatured somewhat elongated fellow leaning over another guy with one fist on his collar and the other fist raised. I’d have him staring into the other guy’s face with a smug investigative expression accompanied by a squarish scowl. You know, with one eyebrow up questioningly and the other sharply down in an angry look.
π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’
March 27, 2016 at 8:18 pm #10343I second Daeus. Or make the illustration of the murder more like the one from Disney Robin Hood with Clucky and the rabbits and Maid Marian. π An “Ohhhhh, ya got meh” kinda thing.
"When enemies attack your kingdom you don't flee you show them why it's your kingdom. With your lightsaber."
March 27, 2016 at 8:31 pm #10345I would either show them fighting like @Daeus said, or I would show someone stealing. Maybe someone with a sneaky expression walking out of a market stall/ shop with something half-hidden under his cloak, while the shopkeeper angrily argues with another customer. That would be less violent, but the fight-scene idea is much funnier.
March 28, 2016 at 5:37 pm #10382Anonymous- Rank: Loyal Sidekick
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I think any of the other suggestions are great π
March 28, 2016 at 6:42 pm #10387Thank you all. I have pretty much figured out what to do. Do you think that (based upon Disney Aladdin) would they have had stalls/shops like that in Noah’s day? I have no idea how to find out. What are your views?
March 28, 2016 at 7:35 pm #10391Have you read the “In the Days of Noah” picture book put out by Answers in Genesis? There’s a market scene in there. I think it was an open-air market with wooden booths, almost like a farmers’ market. I was picturing a setup like that.
March 28, 2016 at 7:36 pm #10392@bluejay That’s a good question. What we do know is that people in that time had a higher IQ, better genetics, and lived much longer than we do and so could accumulate a huge store of knowledge. Hence, it is only logical to conclude that the preflood world was highly advanced, but probably advanced in different ways than we are today. At the same time, we would expect ancient architecture and sosciety right after the flood to reflect the preflood world at least to a large degree. Therfore, I would base it roughtly of ancinet civilization but use artistic licence in being creative.
π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’π’
March 28, 2016 at 7:41 pm #10395March 30, 2016 at 10:59 pm #10553You know, Tessa, that would make a cute childrenβs book if you put an illustration for every two stanzas or so. And βmadβ sounds fine if your audience is younger children.
Well, it’s not published, so no you can not buy it, but illustrating it myself, I have just completed my first children’s book. It is going to be for a friend’s daughter’s fourth birthday. It was a bit of a rush, but I’m very happy with the end result. Thank you so much to everyone for all your help. I couldn’t have done it without you all. π π π You guys are the best
Oh and if you’re interested. Here is something that my mum picked up on. I had said:
About forty days later
The ark came to stop
On the Ararat mountains
Right up on the topIt was actually 105 days after the rain stopped. (Not forty. It rained for forty days, but then the water had to go down.) π
So I just made it “Many days later” π
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by BlueJay.
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