I'd love your help with this poem

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  • #10311
    Daeus
    @daeus
      • Rank: Chosen One
      • Total Posts: 4238

      @bluejay That looks great! Only two little things. First, the “about” in “About forty days later” seems to be in the way. I think the poem will flow better without it. Second, I might put an ellipsis either before or after the “And guess what they saw?”

      That’s it.

      Best regards,

      Daeus Lamb, raspberry eater.

      🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒

      #10312
      BlueJay
      @bluejay
        • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
        • Total Posts: 1622

        *blanches* raspberry!?! How can you eat those? (I can’t eat blackberries either. I do like blueberries and strawberries though.)
        Thank you. Now, an illustrator….. (or not! πŸ˜› )

        #10315
        BlueJay
        @bluejay
          • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
          • Total Posts: 1622

          @spradlin Come and check this poem out. What do you think?

          #10316
          Sarah Spradlin
          @spradlin
            • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
            • Total Posts: 189

            Love this! I feel like it could be used in Vacation Bible School or something of the like πŸ™‚ it has a really unique tone and simplicity to it that I really liked! Great job ;D

            "When enemies attack your kingdom you don't flee you show them why it's your kingdom. With your lightsaber."

            #10329
            BlueJay
            @bluejay
              • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
              • Total Posts: 1622

              Question: (@spradlin, @daeus, @cahndida serkhaman, @jadamae, @sarah-h)
              If you were illustrating this for a child, how would you illustrate this verse.

              In a land long ago,
              When men were all bad,
              They stole and they murdered,
              Which made the Lord sad.

              I obviously don’t want to scare them, with people killing people, but I don’t want to make the picture too happy and alright. (Do you know what I mean?)

              Any suggestions?

              #10330
              BlueJay
              @bluejay
                • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                • Total Posts: 1622

                Oops. Try you again. @cahndida-serkhaman

                • This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by BlueJay.
                #10341
                Daeus
                @daeus
                  • Rank: Chosen One
                  • Total Posts: 4238

                  @bluejay I’d imagine a caricatured somewhat elongated fellow leaning over another guy with one fist on his collar and the other fist raised. I’d have him staring into the other guy’s face with a smug investigative expression accompanied by a squarish scowl. You know, with one eyebrow up questioningly and the other sharply down in an angry look.

                  🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒

                  #10343
                  Sarah Spradlin
                  @spradlin
                    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                    • Total Posts: 189

                    I second Daeus. Or make the illustration of the murder more like the one from Disney Robin Hood with Clucky and the rabbits and Maid Marian. πŸ™‚ An “Ohhhhh, ya got meh” kinda thing.

                    "When enemies attack your kingdom you don't flee you show them why it's your kingdom. With your lightsaber."

                    #10345
                    Sarah Hoven
                    @sarah-h
                      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                      • Total Posts: 669

                      I would either show them fighting like @Daeus said, or I would show someone stealing. Maybe someone with a sneaky expression walking out of a market stall/ shop with something half-hidden under his cloak, while the shopkeeper angrily argues with another customer. That would be less violent, but the fight-scene idea is much funnier.

                      #10382
                      Anonymous
                        • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                        • Total Posts: 199

                        I think any of the other suggestions are great πŸ™‚

                        #10387
                        BlueJay
                        @bluejay
                          • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                          • Total Posts: 1622

                          Thank you all. I have pretty much figured out what to do. Do you think that (based upon Disney Aladdin) would they have had stalls/shops like that in Noah’s day? I have no idea how to find out. What are your views?

                          #10391
                          Sarah Hoven
                          @sarah-h
                            • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                            • Total Posts: 669

                            Have you read the “In the Days of Noah” picture book put out by Answers in Genesis? There’s a market scene in there. I think it was an open-air market with wooden booths, almost like a farmers’ market. I was picturing a setup like that.

                            #10392
                            Daeus
                            @daeus
                              • Rank: Chosen One
                              • Total Posts: 4238

                              @bluejay That’s a good question. What we do know is that people in that time had a higher IQ, better genetics, and lived much longer than we do and so could accumulate a huge store of knowledge. Hence, it is only logical to conclude that the preflood world was highly advanced, but probably advanced in different ways than we are today. At the same time, we would expect ancient architecture and sosciety right after the flood to reflect the preflood world at least to a large degree. Therfore, I would base it roughtly of ancinet civilization but use artistic licence in being creative.

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                              #10395
                              BlueJay
                              @bluejay
                                • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                                • Total Posts: 1622

                                @sarah-h No I haven’t read that book. I should. πŸ˜€

                                @daeus
                                Thanks. I’ll see what I can come up with. πŸ™‚

                                #10553
                                BlueJay
                                @bluejay
                                  • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                                  • Total Posts: 1622

                                  You know, Tessa, that would make a cute children’s book if you put an illustration for every two stanzas or so. And β€œmad” sounds fine if your audience is younger children.

                                  Well, it’s not published, so no you can not buy it, but illustrating it myself, I have just completed my first children’s book. It is going to be for a friend’s daughter’s fourth birthday. It was a bit of a rush, but I’m very happy with the end result. Thank you so much to everyone for all your help. I couldn’t have done it without you all. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ You guys are the best

                                  Oh and if you’re interested. Here is something that my mum picked up on. I had said:
                                  About forty days later
                                  The ark came to stop
                                  On the Ararat mountains
                                  Right up on the top

                                  It was actually 105 days after the rain stopped. (Not forty. It rained for forty days, but then the water had to go down.) πŸ˜€

                                  So I just made it “Many days later” πŸ˜€

                                  • This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by BlueJay.
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