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So…this is a scene that I wrote at like 11:00 last night. It hasn’t been edited so sorry if it’s a total mess.
I’m not looking for any particular things like grammar and such, I’d just kinda like whatever feedback you can give me. Maybe how the scene effected you? Idk. Anyways, this is from Chapter 19…
Ash. Thick and heavy in the air, coating the inside of Nahim’s mouth and covering his face. Burning. Heat hanging in the air, with the putrid scent of objects and bodies being burned and melted. Red. Slow, hot rivers of red, rivers of glowing death. Warm, thick trickles of life falling from wounds. Death. Lifeless bodies littering the ground. Pain. The sounds of agony splitting the air. Battle. The din that seemed to keep going on and on and on.
Nahim stood upon the ruins of Laxan, alone and weaponless. A child lay in front of him, curled in a ball as his sobs ripped through the air. Vorgan approached the child from behind, the glimmer of his green crystal sword reflecting in his eyes.
He’s going to kill that child! I have to save him!
The thought ran through Nahim’s mind, as he tried to move, but he found himself paralyzed. Move! Move, I must move! I must save that child! But no matter how hard he tried, Nahim remained glued to the spot where he stood, forced to watch as Vorgan came nearer and nearer to the sobbing child. He raised his sword above his head, a grin straight from a demon upon his face.
“No! No, stop, stop please! Kill me instead, leave the child alone!” Nahim shouted. “Stop!”
But it was too late.
The child was dead.
Suddenly, Nahim’s legs were loosened, and he ran to the little form, sobbing as he reached the lifeless body. As his hand touched the child, everything around him went black.
Nahim found himself in some kind of dark place, with no light. Whether he was standing on ground or on nothing, he couldn’t tell. Suddenly, the form of the child he failed to save appeared in the darkness, illuminated by a pale light that seemed to come from under his feet. His skin, hair and clothes were all shades of grey, except the places splattered with bright red blood.
“You killed me. You didn’t save me.” The Young One’s monotone voice echoed around the space, giving his words a ghostly tone.
Tears welled in Nahim’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry fixes nothing. You killed me. You didn’t save me.”
Nahim’s little brother then appeared next to the boy, illuminated and colored in the same way as he, except his blue eyes were bright and glowing.
“Larin?” Nahim asked, more tears welling in his eyes.
Larin joined the chant of the first boy:
“You killed me. You didn’t save me.”
One by one, more people appeared, with glowing eyes and grey bodies splotched with red, light coming from directly below their feet: Nahim’s father, Lord Adorian, Knihan, Alin, the refugees that Nahim failed to save. All appeared and joined the chant:
“You killed me. You didn’t save me.”
“You killed me. You didn’t save me.”
“You killed me. You didn’t save me.”
With each new person, and each time the chant was said again, Nahim broke down further, falling to his knees, sobbing. He covered his ears with his hands as the chant grew louder and louder, echoing and reverberating through the room. His heart pounded against his ribs like a hammer against a nail. He could feel his pulse in his head, pushing on his skull. His breath came haggard and uneven as he struggled to breathe past his tears.
“Stop it! Stop it! I can’t handle it anymore!”
Then finally his mother appeared, standing directly in front of him. She too was formed with greys, red, and with glowing blue eyes, illuminated like the others.
“Make it stop! Make it stop!” Nahim cried, clutching at her, begging at her feet.
“Nahim, Nahim, why didn’t you arrive sooner? Why didn’t you come to me so that I could whisper my last words into your ear?” Her words, though they were quiet, somehow were heard over the deafening chant.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Make it stop, please! Make it stop!” He screamed in agony of mind, still groping towards the form of his mother.
“Nahim! Wake up! It’s okay, it’s only a dream!”
The dream fled. Nahim awoke and sat up with a gasp. He had hit his head on the bunk above him in waking, but for a minute he simply sat there, breathing quickly with eyes wide, as if he didn’t even register the pain.
“By the stars! His face is like bleached white!”
Akin whispered to the Boomerang who had spoken to not be so loud, before turning his attention to Nahim.
“Relax.”
The scene does continue, but I really want to rewrite that part, so this is all I will disclose for now.
Thx in advance!
"You need French Toast."
Aaaaaaah! Why are so good at pulling on my heart strings. Good job!
I go by many names, Andrew, Andy, Mandrew, but you may call me... BATMAN!!!
I think it’s really good. The way you wrote it really feels close and suffocating, especially the first paragraph, which I think works really well.
Signature is limited to 100 characters? That seems awfully unjust. We refuse to be bound by these ru
It’s good! It gives a very clear picture of what’s happening, and how guilty Nahim is, while also confirming that the author knows it isn’t Nahim’s fault. Gives a clear picture of how his mindset needs to change.
“Everything is a mountain”
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