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@catwing *pops in* What? Where? I don’t see her! Aha!
*pulls Dragon Snapper out of the internets*
Stop melting chairs!☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
I should probably know this by now, but….
What in Aethasia is a KaPeeFer?!?!?!?!
ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherliNevermind, exactly 29 seconds after I posted that, I watched the video that started it.
*facepalm*
ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherli@aislinn-mollisong welcome . sorry I’m late to the party!! Fantasy good for you! I like writing Historical fiction and modern action
~I don’t know what I’m doing~
@daeus or @aratrea I think there’s something wrong with my book so far. I’m pretty sure it has to do with characterization, but I can’t put my finger on what exactly is wrong. Can you guys read through it or something, and help me figure it out?
ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherli@aislinn-mollisong Is your book on a google doc somewhere? Because if you’re looking for someone to go through it, I can give it a shot.
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@aislinn-mollisong Well, I can’t read through your whole book unfortunately, but if you could give me a sample scene, I could read through that and see if I can identify the problem.
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All I have is two chapters, anyway @daeus. And the chapters are only 2 1/2 pages long. Should I post it here?
ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherli@aislinn-mollislong Yes, that would be fine.
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An elf, streaking through the woods. She stops at a strangely-shaped house and knocks at the large barn door. It is opened by a beautiful centaur with her two-month old filly at her side. The centaur is shocked to see an elf at her door.
The elf shoves a bundle into her arms. A human baby! The centaur opens her mouth to ask the stranger who the baby is, but she is gone. “Baby?” the filly queries. “Yes, dear. A human baby. I guess she’s ours, now.”
She sees something clutched in the infant’s tiny arms. She peers at it, then gasps.
A baby dragon!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sage sits at his desk, poring over the ancient writings. His eyes are not as strong as they used to be, and the dim firelight is not enough to inspect the texts. He hears someone at the door, and hobbles over to answer it.
An elf, an old friend, is standing in the moonlight, carrying a small child, a little boy. “Saren, my friend. You must care for this human child. Treat him as your own son, and teach him the ancient writings.” He hands the sleeping boy to the old man, who reaches his arms eagerly to his charge. “I will care for him. And mayhap the legends will not come to naught.” “Yes. Oh, take this. It’s the boy’s.” He reaches into his pack, and pulls out something green, scaly, and glistening.
The scholar raises his eyebrows. “A dragon?” The elf smiles.That’s the prologue.
ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherliChapter 1
Fire in TirnaghAmber straightened, putting her hands on her back and stretching. The bright Tirnagh sun, unshaded by any trees, beat down on her mercilessly. She basked in the heat, glorying in the sunlight, drawing in the heat. Then she relaxed and shook her head, glaring at the wrinkly, droopy plants in her little garden patch. She could never get things to grow, not like Terah could. Terah could grow flowers almost overnight, and they would be the prettiest, healthiest flowers anyone had ever seen. Amber was, to be honest, a little jealous. Whatever she planted either withered instantly, or just died. But then again, she didn’t like gardening much anyway.
As she walked back to the cottage, a half mile away, she thought about the impending celebration. Her birthday. Or rather, her arrival day. The day when the elf had given her to Anya, Terah’s mother. She had begged for the story every year, and Anya always told it. It was a short story, to be sure, but Amber clung to the tale of her origins until it was almost a memory.
Teine? she called, stopping to look around. Come, Teine. She felt her dragon approaching, and heard her calling back. Ember. I am coming. Teine always called her Ember. The dragon emerged from the woods, her brilliant crimson skin glistening in the bright sun. She must have been swimming in the creek.
Teine nuzzled against Amber’s face, hrrrring and flicking her tail. Come, Teine. Home. She resumed her trek to Anya’s cottage, her hand resting on her dragon’s slim neck. She studied Teine as they walked. Her soft, cool, snake-like skin that was shimmery and glossy. Her muzzle, small and delicate. Her graceful legs, fragile-looking but unbelievably powerful. Her wings, each one almost as big as her whole body. And her eyes, large and liquid and the color of a pure sunstone. Eyes with fire behind them.
They reached the path to the cottage, and Terah galloped out to meet them, her dark hair streaming behind her.
“Amber! You’re back! Everyone’s here except Leisel, but she might be busy with her new baby. There are lots of presents!” Her hooves beat a fast rhythm on the hard dirt of the path. She always had loads of energy, dancing or trotting in place most of the day, when she wasn’t actually running.
“Ok, lets go then, before you wear yourself out! Want to race?” Terah stopped cold. A mischeivous smile crept over her face. “You’re on! Ready, set, go!” She took off. Amber patted Teine’s head. “What do you say, darling?”
Two minutes later, Terah slid to a stop at the door. Amber was already there, closing the door to the dragon’s shed. “Hey! You didn’t say you would ride Teine!” she accused. But then Anya opened the window and called, “Girls! Time to come in!” “Coming!” Amber called, smirking at Terah.
There were twelve people sitting or standing in the front room, which was both the kitchen and parlor. Well, some of them are people, Amber thought, looking around at the assortment of creatures gathered around her. There was Ben and Saoirse, two selkies, and Talitha, a dryad. Gareth, a faun, Andesi, a dwarf, and a cluster of desert sprites, A family of centaurs, and a few people. Bela, the selkie child, and Kyp and Rowena, two human children, were on the floor playing with a wooden dragon toy.
“Mama, tell Amber’s story. I’ll get the dessert.” Terah skipped out of the house, heading for the spring they used to keep things cold.
“All right, Terah. Fourteen years ago today, I was reading Terah a story, when I heard a knock at the door. I put the book down, and told Terah to stay put. She didn’t listen, of course.”
Some of the adults laughed. “When I opened the door, there was an elf woman standing in my doorway, holding a little bundle wrapped in lindle-cloth.”
Amber rubbed the sleeve of her dress. It was also made of lindle-cloth, a comfortable, light material made from the wool of a certain type of sheep found only in Stryla, the neighboring island. It was highly prized in the mainland, but common here.
“The elf handed me the bundle, and I found myself looking into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen in my life. The color of pure honey, glowing like smoldering embers. I was shocked to find I was holding a human baby, a little girl not more than a year old. She had the most hair of any baby I’d ever seen, a beautiful dark brown like rich earth.” She fingered a lock of Amber’s thick hair. “When I looked up again, the elf was gone. Then Terah said-”
Anya was cut off by Terah shouting from the spring, “I said ‘Baby!’, right Mama?” The guests tittered. Terah was known for interrupting.
“Yes, dear. And then I saw Teine. Amber was clutching her in her little arms, and I was entranced by her colors, and her delicate wings. She was so beautiful, and the two of them together were perfect.”
Amber didn’t know why, but she felt increasingly uncomfortable as the story went on. She had always loved to hear this tale before,really any tale, but this time she longed to dash out of the tiny house and ride away into the woods. Maybe it was because Anya had never told the story in public, maybe it was because she felt there was so much missing from the story. For example, why did an elf take her to a centaur’s house? Why did a human baby have a dragon hatchling? Who was this baby?
Terah re-entered the house, bearing the dessert. Cold cream and plumberries. “Thank you, Terah. Can you go get the presents? Amber can open them after we eat.”
Amber’s discomfort slowly grew into full-fledged panic. Something was wrong, and not just with the story. But she couldn’t for the life of her figure out what it was. As the presents were opened, she oohed over the gifts, and thanked friends profusely. But her mind was frantically thinking, trying to deduce what in the world was going on. Even when she opened the present from Anya and Terah, a gorgeous crimson gown with a golden belt and a matching garnet necklace, a dress she had always wanted, even that couldn’t soften the feeling of panic. Then she started to feel unbelievably hot, to the point that she felt she had burst into flame.
She couldn’t stand it anymore. “I’ll be right back!” She forced herself to walk slowly out of the house, then took off running. She made it to the spring before disaster struck.
Flames flew from her hands, instantly engulfing and devouring the wooden cover of the spring, the surrounding vegetation, and several wooden buckets. Thankfully, the fire spread no further than the leftover ashes, but the flames kept coming, pounding, flowing, oozing, blazing. She plunged her hands into the spring, and it started bubbling, steaming, boiling. Then, eventually, the fire subsided, as did the overwhelming heat. She trembled, panting. Suddenly, she heard a voice behind her.
“Well, we know one thing.” It was Kalama, one of the humans of the village nearby. She was older than Anya, maybe forty. She was known as a sort of village crazy lady, an image strengthened by her fiery red hair. Amber shivered. Fiery. She never wanted to hear that word again. “What? What do we know?” she panted, struggling to her feet, her hands dripping. “We know you’re from Magnus.”
“Magnus? The fire kingdom?” Everyone on Tirnagh knew about the mainland, the continent of Leifer and it’s seven kingdoms.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because of the fire.” Kamala replied nonchalantly. “I have the fire too.”
She held up her callused hand, and a thin filament of flame spiraled up from her outstretched fingers. She clenched her fist, and the fire dissipated. “Everyone from Magnus does. I used to live there.”
Amber was confused. This was normal? “It’s alright, it’ll be better from now on.” She paused. “Well, I’ve never seen that happen, but everyone in Magnus handles it fine.”
Ember. Ember. Amber heard Teine calling. Kamala looked worried.
“Is everything all right, Amber?”
Amber snapped back, and glanced at the woman. “What? I don’t know, Teine needs me.”
“Teine? How do you know?”
For the first time in her life, Amber realized that only she could hear Teine call. She had never seriously thought about it before. Then she wondered, Why can I only hear Teine? Can other people talk to their dragons? Is this yet another way I am alone?
“Well, lass, if your dragon needs you, you better get going”Chapter 2
The Fire Within
Amber’s feet pounded on the dirt path towards the shed, trying to call. Teine! What’s wrong, girl? Teine? The breath caught in her lungs, burned her throat. She could feel her heart jarring her whole body, almost hurting. The heat was back, wave after wave of rippling fire coursing over her. She was terrified that the flames would start flying again, devouring the forest, reducing the trees to ashes. She clenched her fists, willing the fire to stay. Then she ducked her head, and kept running.
As Amber reached the shed, she skidded to a stop. She could barely breathe, and her heartbeat was more like a battering ram. But she didn’t care about that now.
Her dragon was in danger.
Blackness was rushing towards the shed, crawling over the ground, blanketing foliage and earth and path in suffocating obsidian. A plant, or a fungus, or even a strange creature, maybe. It crept up the fence, terrifying Teine and causing her to thrash around, howling.
Instinct took over. Amber leapt in front of the creeping mass, and released the fire within. It blazed out, hitting the blackness head-on. It instantly disintegrated, leaving only fine black dust. She kept going, beating it back to its source, a small box sitting on the ground. She tried to blast that too, but it wouldn’t burn. She breathed sharply, and the fire flow stopped. No more proceeded from the box.
Amber stepped back, panting. “What…just happened?” she asked incredulously, to no one in particular. She felt weak, cold, like all the life had been sucked out of her.
She staggered back to her dragon, and opened the gate to let her out. Ember. What’s wrong? Amber leaned against Teine’s warm side, shivering. I’m cold, Teine. My fire is gone. It seemed slightly ridiculous to her that one minute, she would be practically on fire, and the next moment be freezing to death. But then Teine did something that surprised her.
She lowered her head, closed her eyes, and blew a stream of flame at Amber’s chest. Amber drew in a sharp breath, but it didn’t hurt. She felt the fire flowing through her, its lifegiving heat reviving her, strengthening her. She shook her head, wondering.
“That’s something you don’t see every day.” She spun to see Kamala, hands on her hips, grinning.
“You always tend to show up at strange moments, don’t you?” Kamala smiled, and walked over to stroke Teine’s soft muzzle. “That may be, but they happen to be important moments, don’t you think? For example, I arrived at the exact moment to see a fireflow. Something I’ve been waiting to see my whole life.”
“A fireflow?”
“Yep. When a pair-bonded dragon breathes fire into her mistress, it’s called a fireflow. Happens mostly with Magnusians, of course, but it’s known to happen with others.” Amber stared. Pair-bonded? Fireflow? Magnusians? Who could have known that this crazy woman was a dragon expert?
“Have you ever heard of the Leiferan legends, lass?” Amber shook her head.
Kamala was silent for a moment, then she started to sing softly.
“Ember girl only will find the heir,
Leaf-boy only will enter the Ne’er,
Both will be needed to set all to rights,
Both will be needed in justice’s fight,
With the hearts of dragons they shall arise,
To save all of Leifer, and mend severed ties.”
The melody of Kamala’s song was sweet, and wild, and soft, and lilting, and breathless, and full, and sad, and joyful. It made Amber’s heart swell, and she felt a yearning to sing the song too.
“What does it mean?”
“Well, about fifteen, maybe sixteen years ago, the prince of Crystalwynn vanished. Nobody knew what happened to him, and there were search parties sent out from everywhere. No one saw hide nor hair of that boy, though they combed every inch of the country. The poor king was heartbroken, cried for days. And the queen, oh, the poor dear has never been the same. I searched too, and never saw a trace. Then Someone came to see the king.”
“Who?” Amber’s curiosity was piqued, and she unconsciously took on Terah’s habit of interrupting.
“The Great King. He rules over Leifer from across the Western Sea. He came to Crystalwynn one day, and gave us the prophecies. There are more, you know, but we only need to worry about the first one right now. He said an “Ember-girl” would find his son, and a “Leaf-boy” would enter the Ne’erkan. You do know what the Ne’erkan is, don’t you?” Amber shook her head again.
“The Ne’erkan is where the evil things live. Nasty things, like Dulaman, and Eirs, and Etan. That black thing was an Etan, lass. Ne’er means evil in the old language, and kan means land. Fitting name.”
“I wouldn’t want to go there for anything.” Amber remarked with a shudder.
“Yes, so you shouldn’t. But anyway. The prophecy states that the Ember-girl and Leaf-boy will have “the hearts of dragons”. Now, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure someone that can mind-talk to a dragon, and burn up an Etan, and have fire-eyes like you, lass, might be a pretty likely candidate for a dragon-hearted Ember-girl, don’t you think?” Kamala winked.
Amber stared in shock, her mouth agape. Her mind wouldn’t settle on one thing. Ember-girl? She thought. Me? A dragon-hearted Ember-girl? To save a lost prince, lost before I was born? How?
Then Teine called to her. Ember. My Ember. You will save him. I will help. Ember.
Then Kamala spoke up. “Well, lass, should we start training?”
“Training? What training?”
Kamala pulled her long red hair into a twist, and rolled up her sleeves.“If you’re goin’ to be an Ember-girl-hero-warrior-princess, you should probably figure out how to use a sword, shouldn’t you?”
Amber nodded. A sword? A real sword! This might actually be fun!
“And we’ll need to learn to control your fire, lass. You can use it well, if you can control it.”
My fire. Amber thought. The fire within. And Teine hrrred her agreement.ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherli@aislinn-mollisong I only had time to look through the prologue and chapter one, but here’s a couple things I noted:
The prose feels very choppy and is very bare-bones. Try fleshing out your descriptions more and varying the sentence structure for the writing to feel more smooth.
You do a lot of telling as opposed to showing, which is probably one of the factors that weakens your characterization. One of our writing interns wrote a great post about how to show effectively here: https://kingdompen.org/three-types-of-telling-you-must-erase-to-create-an-intimate-pov/ That article should give you some really good tips on how to fix this.
The story in the prologue and first chapter feels pretty plot-driven (i.e. you need to set up the backstory, you need to set up her birthday, you need to set up her fire powers, you need to set up where she got those powers from), and you go through those qualities rapidly without spending much time to develop the characters outside of what they need to do. This also makes the plot feel a bit overly-convenient at times (like when Kalama explains to her all of her fire powers right after she discovers them). I think you need to focus a bit more on the characters for who they are if you want us to care about what happens to them.
Overall, most of the points could be boiled down into slowing down and expanding the scenes a lot. My guess is that to do this effectively, you’ll end up doubling the length of the prologue and first chapter once you expand all those scenes accordingly. You may end up needing to do some cutting afterward, but that would be my recommendation and goal to shoot for!
Editor-in-Chief Emeritus. Guiding authors at Story Embers.
Thank you so much! I thought that might be the problem, but I’m not entirely sure how to slow it down without adding a whole bunch of useless filler. One problem with my writing is that almost everything I write is my role play on Aetherlight, and I don’t need to do character development or things like that on there. Mostly it is just dialogue and action.
Do you have any suggestions for what I can add to fix this problem? Thank you @aratrea!
ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherli@aislinn-mollisong Alright, I read the prologue and chapter one. Josiah basically covered everything already. I’ll just see if I can go into a few more details.
First of all, the secret ingredient really is slowing down. I’m going to be more extreme than Josiah here. I would say slow things down four times what it is now, maybe even more for the prologue. I seriously believe that much time is needed to cover all the information and events you had to their full extent.
I think it will really help you if you think of your story like a movie. I’m going to use the hobbit movies here as an example, because they’re fantasy and I just watched the first one last night. Let’s think about the introduction to that movie, starting with when we first see Bilbo when he is young. First, we get a nice view of him just sitting there, enjoying his pipe. We also get a view of his house. Then Gandalf comes up. He says “good morning” and Gandalf makes asks him what he means by “good morning” and gives him several options. During this time, we get several shots of Gandalf so we can see what he’s like and also several shots of Bilbo, who is making various facial expressions and other body language as well as doing things with his pipe. Anxious for Gandalf to leave, Bilbo checks his mail. Then he looks through it. He also casts a glance at Gandalf. Etc, etc, etc.
Okay, that was a lot of details there I could have added more. That’s what made the scene work though. Without those details, Bilbo and Gandalf would have had no character and the scene would have felt very rushed. A major key to writing good fiction is to imagine your book as a movie and write down everything you see. Okay, I don’t mean record every object in a room, but anything that stands out to you about that scene — the lighting, the way the grass rustles, the particular way a character raises his eyebrow. These things make a book come alive.
Granted, this is a hard thing to master and it may take you a year to even feel like you basically know how to do it, but once you start improving in this area, you won’t be able to stop. You will improve a vast amount very quickly.
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Thank you so much, @daeus! I will work on it!
ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherli
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