God Keeps

[Alia]

This is my one of my first poems mainly because to me poems are a lot harder to write. So here it is, hope y’all like it.

God Keeps

God keeps His eyes the fallen leaves
The leaves the the trees deem of no consequence

God keeps His eyes on the fallen people
The people that the world deems of no consequence

If God keeps His eyes on the fallen of the world,
What right does the world have to say “No consequence”

• This topic was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Alia.

WIP - Decisions
Kapeefer til we're old and grey

[Jess]

That’s pretty @alia! 🙂

[Anne Swiftblade]

That is pretty @Alia 😉 I think the simplicity gives it a soft feeling 😛

If God keeps His eyes on the fallen of the world,
What right does the world have to say “No consequence”

In this bit I think you should take out the “If” at the beginning and maybe add a “they are” between “say” and “NO”.

Other than that it looks great 😉

[Ingrid]

Pretty, @Alia. Just a couple things I noticed.

God keeps His eyes the fallen leaves
The leaves the the trees deem of no consequence

God keeps His eyes on the fallen people
The people that the world deems of no consequence

If God keeps His eyes on the fallen of the world,
What right does the world have to say “No consequence”

In the first line I think you need to add the word “on” between “eyes” and “the.”
In the second line you either need to take out the second “the” or add the word “that” in place of the first the. (Sorry I’m so nit-picky. Can’t help myself. 😉 )
Other than that, it looks pretty good. Good job. 🙂

A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)

[Greta]

@Alia
Very nice. I like it.
One quick thing…

If God keeps His eyes on the fallen of the world,
What right does the world have to say “No consequence”

The last line doesn’t really flow well, so maybe write something like, “How can the world say ‘No consequence,'” instead. I don’t know; it’s your poem. 😉
I really like it, though. The repetition of “no consequence” gives a really nice unity to the poem. Keep up the great work! 😀

[Alia]

@anne-swiftblade

@ingridrd

here is the updated version.

oh, and should i change the name?

God Keeps

God keeps His eyes the fallen leaves
The leaves that the trees deems of no consequence

God keeps His eyes on the fallen people
The people that the world deems of no consequence

God keeps His eyes on the fallen of the world
So what right does the world have to say they are no consequence

Thanks

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Alia.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Alia.

WIP - Decisions
Kapeefer til we're old and grey

[Author]

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