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I doubt this is going to work, so I haven’t created a new topic for it. @daeus, I’m hoping it will do for you what your poem did for me. When I got the notification email, you poem was how it should be. I’d love this one to be critiqued but it doesn’t make much sense unless it is in the shape it should be. Please let me know if it works. 🙂
(I’ve removed the poem cause it didn’t work that well.)
Ah, well. This forum just has a maliciousness against poets.
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Yes it did. Hurray. @daeus.
I know it’s hard to read but, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d love it critiqued. (Maybe I should have made a new topic for this. Never mind What’s done, it done) 🙂@bluejay Wow, that’s amazing! It’s so realistic. How did you post it? I’m still figuring out how to do mine.
@sarah-h I took a photo of the poem and then pretended that I was changing my profile pic. That allowed me to get a link and post it here. 🙂
Alright @bluejay. I’m finally getting to this now. First of all, the visual is amazing. I don’t know if you noticed this, but it doesn’t only just look like a cross, but it looks like a body on a cross. That’s pretty impressive.
As far as the poetry itself, there were some things that were done really well and some things that needed to become more poetic. Of course, you can’t make everything rhyme, but in the example below, you can see how I rewrote some parts of it to make them more poetic without rhyming. The trick was putting words close to each other that sounded similar, or had the starting or ending sound.
A cross
Thorn crown
Sour wine
Son of God
Paid the price
Sacrafice
He died on Calvary to open a way. To live with him when he returns to us someday.
The price was high enough he feared to pay. But he knew the Father had declared it the way.
Mocking soldiers
Weeping women
Watching people
Temple curtain
Torn in two
Dead raised up
Gethsemane
Mount of olives
Love unending
Darkness shadowing
Nazareth-born Jesus
His spirit lifted
Work is finished
Third day coming
He arose
As he prophesied
He who died shall
Raise the dead and
Lift them up
To Heaven🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
@daeus Yes, I did realize what the visual allowed you to see. I had planed on doing a cross first, but the words came and formed a body, which I like better.
Okay, yeah, I understand that. Thanks for critiquing this for me. I don’t normally write poetry, but I love this form.
Do you mind if I submit this poem to KP with your changes, as long as I mention that you helped with it?@bluejay Sure. That’s fine. I doubt it will still look like a body though 🙁
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@bluejay Okay, I’m stumped, so I’m going to fall back to my last, very embarrassing resort. My brother and I played around with starting a Creation Science website, but then we realized we didn’t have enough information to make a good website. So we used it as a “launching pad” to get his pictures on to KP. So (if it works) this is a picture of our webpage with my poem on it, hence the misplaced evolution quote emblazoned on the banner. Oh dear, I hope this works…
*tries to edit it*
*botheration, it’s not working*Okay, this is even worse, but it might work. LINK TO POEM
It worked!!! *cheers* *remembers state of website* *hides*
Oh, and in all of that I lost my profile pic, so I replaced it with our late pet cockatiel Elisa. She’s the youngest of our little flock of five.
@sarah-h Oh, you lost your profile pic??? Well, the one you have no is cute. 🙂 I have a friend who as a cockatiel.
As for the poem, it’s great. I hope you don’t mind, but let me try something…
Oh good it worked. I’d explain how I did it, but I think it would be too confusing. However, if you really want to know, I can tell you.
Hey, I notice you spell Saviour with a ‘u’. Why is that? I thought America didn’t spell it that way. Same with colour and other words which the website is telling me are wrong.
@sarah-h
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