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Hey everyone,
I wrote a poem today for my writing class, and its free verse, but sort of structured. Here are the first two stanzas:
What can ever substitute
for shushed hysterics in the wee hours of the morning
those conspiratorial smiles across the hallway
and those times when nothing need be said — the silence
only broken by taps and scrapes of two pairs of feet
side by side
What can suffice for
the single moment where you realize how much we share
a skill perhaps, or maybe even the same yearnings
two hearts finding the beauty in lightning with the barest trace of rain
finding how same us little people can be, and so different
relate even across worlds
I guess that my main question is that, since this is a first draft, how should I revise free verse? What things should I look to fix?
Also I’m not exactly sure if this should be more structured by syllables or rhythm, since it is already structured by stanzas.
@daeus @dekreel @rochellaine @clairec @livgiordano @anyone (feel free to tag people who would probably be suited for this kind of advice 😀 thanks)It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
literatureforthelight.wordpress.com@gh24682468999Â I love it! It’s pretty!
The only thing I would do is make it easier to understand. Because I’m not quite grasping the message 🙂
You can pronounce it however you want.
@gh24682468999 Wow! It’s beautiful! I don’t really know how to critique free verse, because most of my poems have pretty standard structure and rhyme. 😀 But I’ve attempted free verse a couple of times, and when I showed my mom, (who said she didn’t know how to critique free verse either) what she told me was to make it flow better, and that actually helped a lot. So I see a couple of places in your poem where it feels just a teeny bit choppy. I would suggest you read it aloud a couple of times, to get a feel for the smoothness.
Also, @dekreel said she didn’t quite get the meaning. Now she’s making me wonder if I did…
If it’s about two people realizing how their hearts can work together, though they are so different, I understood it…if not? Well, please tell us what it really is about! 🙂 I also felt as though they were in love, but I’m not sure if that was what you meant. 😀 😀
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
@gh24682468999
I have pretty limited experience with poetry, and especially free verse. I just wanted to drop in and say how awesome that poem is- it’s kind of the exact thing I like, sort of a slightly dreamy, fantastical narrative with a strong emotional pull.*Giarstanornarak tries to melt chair*
Also, Daeus has 22 turtles in his signature.Ooh. I love this! @gh24682468999 I really love poetry. For free verse, it’s actually much easier to edit, because you don’t need to worry about the structure and keeping the rhyme.
To revise, I would make sure that the words are clear and concise. Choose your wording very carefully, especially with something short like this.
Maybe, you could make it have some sort of resolution as well. Yes, and I agree with @dekreel and @rochellaine that it does seem sort of confusing. Maybe about a married couple, who does everything together, even when it’s difficult? But it’s still worth it?
www.livforhim.wordpress.com
@gh24682468999 I actually think some of the beauty of the poem is that it’s not clear and definitive, but rather sweet and floating, like this kind of poetry should be. I am afraid that putting a defining line into it might ruin it. Maybe you could just give it a title that explains what’s going on? Then you could keep the poem mostly the way it is.
I think your word choice is for the most part very good. The only places that made it sound choppy were “shushed” in the beginning, which is hard to pronounce smoothly in relation to the words around it, and might be better if changed to “hushed,” for alliteration, or some other word that goes more smoothly; and the last line, “relate even across worlds” is beautiful, but somehow it seems like the grammar doesn’t work. I could be reading it wrong, but I think that grammatically it should be “relating across worlds.” That would also flow better.
Because it’s so short, if you change too many words you will have completely changed the poem, and I am afraid of what might happen if you do that, because I love it so much! 😀
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
I’m super super sorry for the confusion. This is only the beginning of the poem, not it in its entirety. I haven’t a title for it yet, but its about friendship and eventually about saying goodbye.
@dekreel I’m glad you like it!
@rochellaine Yes, I should probably read it out loud and see how it flows. And I almost put “relating across worlds”, but that’s the last line and I’m trying to make those short… I don’t know. This is a free verse I’m trying to jam into a structured stanza, so I’ll have to make some decisions about how much structure I’ll put in. Really appreciate the advice!
@sam-kowal Yes! You described it perfectly! I love that style in poetry (have you ever read “The Flash Reverses Time” by A Van Jordan? It’s absolutely amazing) and I try to mimic it myself.
@livgiordano I’ll work on making things concise 🙂 Thanks!It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
literatureforthelight.wordpress.com
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