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Hello! I am finishing up my book and was working on the synopsis… But I wanted some critiques.
(The first line will be centered)You Were Called By The King
Jack, Alex, Cele, John, Chase, and Amelia are not normal. Even before they met a mysterious messenger, who says they have to save Allore by finding three jewels and giving them to the king. But the king was said to have been a tyrant. Who died hundreds of years ago. The messenger also says they are the Seven, a group that has been awaited by a secret society called the Guardians. But there are only six of them. Who’s the seventh? What do the jewels do exactly? How do they save Allore? As they journey they discover secrets that some people would rather stay hidden. Some secrets of their own are in danger too. But to save Allore from falling into the sea they must stick together and find the seventh.
@seekjustice @jessi-Rae @dragon-snapper @emily @jane-maree
@jess-penrose @epicaddie2 @aislinn-mollisong @daughteroftheking @that_writer_girl_99IMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!
Cool, @catwing! Hmmm…I think maybe you could either put another sentence at the end, or change that last sentence a little bit. It sounds sort of awkward (to me at least) when you say it out loud. Other than that, IT REALLY MAKES ME WANT TO READ IT!!!! Please finish it soon and publish it and let me read it!!!!
ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherliI’m gonna tag @daeus because he’ll probably be able to tell you more than I can.
In my opinion, this is a bit too long, and it reveals a bit too much about the story. I can’t tell you how or where to cut, but that’s just my thought. You want to keep a bit of the story to reveal later, right?
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@aislinn-mollisong Yeah… I read it again and you’re right. I’ll cut that. Thanks! (I only have to edit four more chapters. 😉 )
@that_writer_girl_99 I was really unsure of the length… Reveals too much… Therre’s a lot more, but I’ll cut through it and post a new version in a second. *nods*IMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!
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@catwing I like it! Maybe add a sentence at the end. It does seem a little abrupt. Other than that it’s great!
Alright, let’s try this… @aislinn-mollisong @that_writer_girl_99
You Were Called By The King
Best friends Jack, Alex, Cele, John, Chase, and Amelia are not normal. You could even say they’re abnormal. That was before they met a mysterious messenger, who says they have to save Allore by finding three jewels and giving them to the king. But the king was a tyrant. Who died hundreds of years ago. Wasn’t he? What do the three jewels do exactly? How do they save Allore? As they journey secrets are uncovered that some people would rather stay hidden. Even some secrets of their own.
I changed a few other things too.
IMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!
Oh, I forgot a smoother ending sentence… I’ll think on that one. @emily @aislinn-mollisong
IMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!
@catwing I did a little editing. The first is your original, and the second is my edit version. Your version is a bit wordy and passive, with rather long sentences. Shorter sentence portrays tension and danger. Hope it helps. 🙂
You Were Called By The King
Jack, Alex, Cele, John, Chase, and Amelia are not normal. Even before they met a mysterious messenger, who says they have to save Allore by finding three jewels and giving them to the king. But the king was said to have been a tyrant. Who died hundreds of years ago. The messenger also says they are the Seven, a group that has been awaited by a secret society called the Guardians. But there are only six of them. Who’s the seventh? What do the jewels do exactly? How do they save Allore? As they journey they discover secrets that some people would rather stay hidden. Some secrets of their own are in danger too. But to save Allore from falling into the sea they must stick together and find the seventh.You Were Called By The King
Jack, Alex, Cele, John, Chase, and Amelia are not normal. Even before they met a mysterious messenger. They must save Allore, and find three jewels to give to the king. But the king was said to have been a tyrant. A tyrant who died hundreds of years ago. The messenger also says they are the Seven, a group that a secret society called the Guardians have been waiting for. But who’s the seventh? What do the jewels do exactly? How do they save Allore? As they journey they discover things that some people would prefer to keep hidden. Secrets of their own are in danger too. But they must stick together and find the seventh, to save Allore from falling into the sea.Currently reading Les Miserables
@perfectfifths Thanks. It does.
IMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!
@that_writer_girl_99 @aislinn-mollisong @perfectfifths Thank you! I was having trouble, and this version sounds better…
You Were Called By The King
Best friends Jack, Alex, Cele, John, Chase, and Amelia are not normal. You could even say they’re abnormal. Even before they met a mysterious cloaked messenger. They must save Allore by finding three jewels. And giving them to the king. Who was a tyrant. A tyrant who died hundreds of years ago. Or was he? What do the jewels do exactly? How do they save Allore? As they journey secrets are uncovered. Secrets that some people would rather stay hidden. Even some secrets of their own. Can their friendship survive? As they try to save Allore from falling into the sea?IMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!
@catwing Yes, it is better. May I make a couple more suggestions? *does it anyway* 😉
I’d remove “you could even say they were abnormal” because it’s redundant with the previous sentence.
Good job using short sentences, but too many at once makes it too bitty – there’s a balance. 🙂
For example, the last two sentences. As written, they would read better as one. But if you want to keep it two, then I’d change “As they try to…” to “And can they…” I’ll make these suggestion edits in the actual synopsis so you can see what I mean. 🙂You Were Called By The King
Best friends Jack, Alex, Cele, John, Chase and Amelia are not normal. Even before they met a mysterious cloaked messenger. They must save Allore by finding three jewels and giving them to the king, who was a tyrant. A tyrant who died hundreds of years ago. Or was he? What do the jewels do? How do they save Allore? As they journey secrets are uncovered. Secrets that some people would rather stay hidden – even some secrets of their own. Can their friendship survive? And can they save Allore from falling into the sea?Also, I noticed that two names start with A, two with C and two with J – is that significant, or just a coincidence? 😀
Currently reading Les Miserables
@catwing a lot of people have already put in their opinions, but I just wanted to add my two cents worth. I personally think there are too many people mentioned in your blurb. Its confusing. I don’t know how you’ve written the story, but do you have one or two characters that are more main than the rest? If you do, I would rewrite it like this:
Jack and Alex (just as an example) were not normal, even before they met a mysterious cloaked messenger…
My thinking on this is only that when you mention six characters in the blurb you don’t really know who it’s about. For example, my copy of Les Miserables only mentions Jean Valjean by name in the blurb, even though there are heaps of viewpoint, main characters, because it’s “his” story. he holds it together. In the blurb of the Fellowship of the Ring which I found on Goodreads, it only mentions Sauron (the antagonist) and Frodo (the hero) even though there are chapters told from the views of Pippin, Merry, Aragorn etc, all of whom who are main characters.
Am I making sense or just babbling? I’m not sure, 😀 Hopefully this is helpful! (looking forward to reading this story, by the way!)
INFP Queen of the Kingdom commander of an army of origami cranes and a sabre from Babylon.
@seekjustice You made sense. 😉 And yes, I agree. But not knowing who the main character(s) is/are (or if they’re all main characters), I didn’t comment on it.
Currently reading Les Miserables
Okay @catwing, I’ve re-pasted this below for you to see if that works any better in your mind without changing any words.
Jack, Alex, Cele, John, Chase, and Amelia are not normal.
Even before they met a mysterious messenger, who says they have to save Allore by finding three jewels and giving them to the king. But the king was said to have been a tyrant. Who died hundreds of years ago. The messenger also says they are the Seven, a group that has been awaited by a secret society called the Guardians. But there are only six of them. Who’s the seventh? What do the jewels do exactly? How do they save Allore?
As they journey they discover secrets that some people would rather stay hidden. Some secrets of their own are in danger too. But to save Allore from falling into the sea they must stick together and find the seventh.
This spacing makes it a bit easier to read and give an extra dramatic feel to the book!
But it sounds like a cool blurb, and I’d want to read it.
However, I would advise making a last sentence that is a bit more dramatic and possibly links up some more to your first line. It will make a sense of unity and completion.
But yay! It looks cool!
Writer | Freelance Editor
Inspiration<@catwing First of all, go get a copy of How To Write A Sizzling Synopsis. It’s a very good book.
That said, here are a few tips to get you started. I’m working off your most recent synopsis.
1. Yes, use as few names as possible. Say “main character and his five friends” or something like that.
2. When you say these people are not normal–even abnormal–that’s the right idea for how to start off a synopsis. However, I think you can make it more punchy. Give the reader a stronger emotional attachment right away. For example, “Jack and his friends are treated by their neighbors as outcasts.” Based off that, I’d write the following sentence as something like: “When a mysterious cloaked stranger brings them a message from a long-dead tyrant, things only get worse.” Now, for these examples, I’m assuming things about your characters and their situation, but I’m just trying to give you a basic framework and you can work around that.
3. Moving on to the next part of your synopsis, I see that a lot of the lines could be condensed into one. I’d say that holds true for most of your synopsis. As you’ve noticed, I’ve already fit in the part about the long dead tyrant above. Here’s how I might condense the rest of it. “Embarking out into a wilderness of adventure, the six friends search for the lost jewels legend says can save their beloved country from skinking into the sea.”
4. As a general rule for a synopsis, whenever you state the actions your characters are taking to save the day, you want to immediately state what get’s in the way. I’m assuming there’s some sort of antagonist to this story, so I’ll make up a good suspenseful line here. “But Jack and his friends aren’t the only ones searching for the mythical jewels.”
5. Finally, we end by making it seem like the friends could fail. This is what comes to mind. “The world holds many secrets and there are those who would kill to keep those secrets hidden. The worst threat the friends face, however, are the secrets of their own past. If their friendship falls apart the continent is doomed, and that is just what is happening…”So, all in all, we get this:
Jack and his five friends are treated by their neighbors as outcasts. When a mysterious cloaked stranger brings them a message from a long-dead tyrant, things only get worse. Embarking out into a wilderness of adventure, the six friends search for the lost jewels legend says can save their beloved country from skinking into the sea. But Jack and his friends aren’t the only ones searching for the mythical jewels. The world holds many secrets and there are those who would kill to keep those secrets hidden. The worst threat the friends face, however, are the secrets of their own past. If their friendship falls apart the continent is doomed, and that is just what is happening…
Not perfect, but pretty good I think. I just realized I forgot to mention that there was a seventh guy they needed. Oh, well. Actually, you really don’t need to include that in your synopsis. The goal of a synopsis is simply to get the reader to buy. All of the cool plot twists and such can be left for the book.
All that said, get How To Write A Sizzling Synopsis.
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