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Hi ya gents and gentresses. Having survived my first excerpt, its time for the next challenge. Are you ready?
You’re going to have to be honest…
On your marks, (such and such)
GO!
(This is a couple chapters later and has no relation to my last excerpt.)
On the morn of the morrow, many of the townsmen gathered in at the very same inn. They sat around one large table feasting in bursts of draughts on mini ponds of beer swirling in fat mugs while he who sat at the head of the table recounted the events of yesterday in a burly voice with facial expressions that would have put the finest actors to shame.
“So there I was, sitting on the bench as I always does.”
“Don’t lie to us Clément, we all know there’s nothing you ever does.”
“Right you are! Nothing I ever does, except to look and listen and to tell. So, as I was saying, there I was, sitting on the bench as I always doesn’t. That’s when I saw them. They came up in a cart they did with Jacques. Course, he didn’t know as what sort of folks they were, did he? No, of course he didn’t. So up he come with them and helps the wounded one out and into the inn. This inn!” He thumped his fist on the table and stared wide eyed at all his listeners. “Now when I saw one with blood, my suspicions began to arise as you might expect, me being a sharp fellow and all. I asked Jacques what caused that fellow his bloody arm. He says to me that he got it in a fight with the bandits. Now whether that was so, I doubt, but I won’t say it was wrong for bandits don’t care who they attack, do they? So I stayed there wondering for a while, and kept wondering even after the doctor had come. Now the doctor, he left me there for a long time, but I cared not for I doesn’t. I doesn’t, that is what I do and so time is not an enemy of me. Then after some time, he comes out like this:” The man made a facial expression. All the others gasped.
“Really, like that?” they asked.
“Aye, like that. Just so. And it catches my attention you may be sure. So I asks him, ‘What’s going on doctor?’ And he answers me, ‘There’s an English spy in our town, in this very inn.’ Rouse the city said he and so I did as you all know and did my duty well. So that is how it all happened last night and I thank you for the breakfast.”
“But I still don’t understand” interjected one of his listeners. “How did the spies escape.”
“That” answered the story teller, his voice dropping to a whisper and face looking suddenly grave, “That is a question that no man can answer.”🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
Sorry about the lack of commas. Apparently that’s another thing I need to watch for.
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That is excellent, Daeus! Did you mean to put a question mark after “How did the spies escape”? That is the only problem I can see.
A, yeah, question mark. That. Thanks for the encouragement Sarah.
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So, as I was saying, there I was, sitting on the bench as I always doesn’t.
I absolutely love that line…and the whole passage too. It’s a very interesting telling of what happened without seeming to really be told, if you get my meaning. It just flows. Anyway, I just have two corrections.
They sat around one large table feasting in bursts of draughts on mini ponds of beer swirling in fat mugs while he who sat at the head of the table recounted the events of yesterday in a burly voice with facial expressions that would have put the finest actors to shame.
This is a long sentence and is a bit confusing. I got what it meant, and it might be right grammatically, but I think it would be better reworded and maybe shortened slightly.
The man made a facial expression. All the others gasped.
And maybe show the expression. Because while the ‘others gasp’ I don’t really know if its in horror or surprise or amazement…or what sort of face the man made.
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
Here I am at last, Daeus! Sorry— busy day.
As a whole, this passage is much, much better. You seem to be great with dialogue— wonderful for a beginner. I love the whole thing about doing things and doing nothings— so fun. This guy telling the story is a great character.
I would definitely work with the commas, as you pointed out, and as Hope said, ‘facial expression’ should probably be identified and described.
And I have one nitpick.
“Now when I saw one with blood, my suspicions began to arise as you might expect, me being a sharp fellow and all.
‘Arise’ seems too refined a word for this character.
Otherwise you did great.
And I’m noticing that the names… hm… and the setting… hm… and the style…hm… remind me of a certain…hm… famous author. 😉
Actually Kate, I really don’t know which author you refer to, but I have no problem stealing other people awesomeness – if it is awesomeness. It might be a bad author. I hope not. But I’m gonna guess Dumas just because I used french names. But of course that’s because this takes place in France. I was stuck.
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@hope Those are some great points. Thanks.
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Yep, it was Dumas. 😛
I don’t think it’s bad at all to steal other author’s styles— it’s a definite feather in your cap if you can pull it off.
I can’t.
So I’m stuck with inventing my own style.
Ho-hum.
😛
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