Evil Poem

[Anne of Lothlorien]

So this is a poem I made up for a picture I saw on a friends website. I just made it up on the spot then, but now I’m thinking of writing a short story about it. It’s an evil poem really, written from the POV of the bad girl. But I just wanted any advice and to see if you like it…

They think they’re safe
They don’t fear me
They think this boy is gifted
They don’t realize
Their end has come
They think the curse has lifted

I’ll take their sons
I’ll slay their kin
I’ll prove their doom is near
I’ll show I’m close
I’m in their homes
And soon they’ll learn to fear

And if they stand
And cling to hope
And wait for a golden flood
I’ll strip them bare
Of all their light
And turn their river to blood

I’ll let it flow
Through all the land
A crimson bearer of doubt
I’ll let it find
The words of hope
And quickly blot them out

And when they’re broke
And kingdom felled
I’ll come and seize the throne
Beneath a mask
Of blackest night
I’ll make this land my own

ENFP - "One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane."

[Hope Ann]

I’ve a feeling @kate-flournoy will like this whenever she gets back on wifi *raises voice* KATTTTTE *sighs* this is what happens when someone leaves the internet. 😉 And I like the poem.

INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.

[Daeus]

@anne-of-lothlorien I do like it, though I think it could use some polishing. For one thing, some of the lines sound too every-day-speechy (e.g. “they don’t fear me”). One of the most important things in poetry is to say things in a way people don’t expect, especially by using metaphors.

One thing that really stuck out to me is that I’d like the last word to be “home” instead of “own”.

And I also had a crazy idea. I think this poem would actually benefit from some nonsense lines. Something like (and this is just and example):

Snikkedy Sniggery Flack
I’ll paint the world in black!

And then what I would do is place this after the second and fourth stanzas. It may sound crazy, but I feel like it would fit the character.

🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

[Ingrid]

I like it, @anne-of-lothlorien. However, I feel like something is missing. If you’re going for darker, then it needs to BE darker. (Ask someone more experienced with poetry for help there. 🙂 ) Right now I feel like it’s a little whimsical, and if that’s what you’re going for, great job! (You could use Daeus’s idea to make it even more so.)
One more thing:

They think they’re safe
They don’t fear me
They think this boy is gifted
They don’t realize
Their end has come
They think the curse has lifted

I really like this stanza. It gives you kind of an ominous feeling, like, “they think…but, they’re wrong.” 🙂 Good work!

A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)

[Kate Flournoy]

Anne!!!! You came to KP!!! Oh my goodness why did you have to do it while I was on vacation I haven’t properly welcomed you and this is terrible oh dear!!
So first of all— WELCOME TO KINGDOM PEN, @ANNE-OF-LOTHLORIEN!!

Yes. So now that that’s out of the way… I really like your poem. I agree with the comments about the rhythm— it does seem to be a little off in places where you used ‘everyday’ phrases amidst the sinister ones. Also (I don’t believe myself) I agree with @Daeus that those nonsense lines would actually be very effective. Add to the air of creepy satisfaction.
This person sounds like a fascinating villain, especially as you said something about her being in their midst and they don’t see her… which makes me wonder if she’s hiding her true self, or if she really is invisible, which in turn makes me wonder just exactly WHAT she is… In short, I like it a great deal. Work a bit with the rhythm, and I think it’ll be great.

INFP. kateeverythingwriting.wordpress.com

[Anne of Lothlorien]

Thanks for all the critiques everyone. Daues I like that idea, but I was trying to fit it to the rhythm and rhyme and it just wasn’t working, so I decided I would actually use that in a poem I am writing about the villainess in my WIP, the Prince, the Apple and the Tower. She says things like Walloping Warts, and Smatting Snakes, and stuff like that, so it would really fit.
I will try to make it darker, and I have changed ‘own’ to ‘home’. I think I actually meant that, but it was a mistake. I will work on it, and give you a revised version to read maybe next week.

And thank you Kate, I was kind of actually waiting for you to welcome me. 🙂

ENFP - "One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane."

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