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Yep! I can guarantee that the second draft is much better. XD I’m not fully done with it yet, but it’s still ending up a lot better (in my opinion) than the first draft. 😉
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Well congratulations!! On finishing, anyway 😁
Awesome!! Will you get it published or do another draft?
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
@esther-c Ah, ok! Yeah, I was just wondering. Is it like an alternate Earth or a theoretical future one? Sorry for being a bit to curious about that, I just love worldbuilding and stuff.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@esther-c Ah, ok! Yeah, I was just wondering. Is it like an alternate Earth or a theoretical future one? Sorry for being a bit too curious about that, I just love worldbuilding and stuff.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@esther-c Oooo I love this!! So excited to see where this storyline goes! I already love Ev and Ami’s relationship, I can tell they’re going to be so cute 🥹. And congrats on finishing your entire second draft!! That’s amazing.
So I’m curious! In this the start of the story, it sounds like the Orb is a relatively recent development. How long has it been then since that happened?
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
YAY EVERDALA! Oh… I mean, totally here for the story too… *smiles sheepishly*
Loved the first chapter!!!
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
I’m definitely going to do another draft. XD I think my long-term plan is to have the whole trilogy in the final draft (or the last book close to the final draft) before any of it is published.
I think it kinda falls in between the two. The technology is more advanced (at least outside the Orb), so that is the futuristic part. I don’t know really. I definitely need to do more worldbuilding. XD
I know, I love those two. 🥰
So, the Orb was actually instituted twenty years ago. I thought I had mentioned that in the chapter, but maybe I didn’t. 😅 I’ll have to check. I actually need to do some more backstory stuff on a few other characters, and that may change how long the Orb has been there, so it may change. I just don’t know yet.
Lol, ikr?! 😂
Thanks!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@esther-c Cool!!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Wow *me coming in late* XD I love it!!! I love a good dystopian (Maybe because I’m writing one XD) And I already love Ev XD
Do me a favor…. Tell Cress I meant it
-Thornelol
Thanks!!
Oh yeah. 😉 He’s probably my favorite. 😁 (And I just wrote a scene the other day where he was mouthing off at the villain. XD Ev’s so much fun to write.)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@hybridlore @starshiness @kyronthearcanin @whalekeeper @keilah-h @smiley
Here’s the next chapter!
Chapter 2
As Everton left the Nadir’s house, a smile played on his lips. He enjoyed visiting them. They always seemed so happy. And Ami was so kind… and pretty. He had known her for as long as he could remember. They had been just friends, but lately, he was starting to think of her as more than a friend. Ev shook the thought out of his head. There’s no way she would feel the same way.
He took a deep breath as he approached his home, a block from the Nadir’s house. There was more than one reason why he enjoyed time spent with the Nadirs. They seemed so… perfect.
Before he reached the doorstep, his twenty-one year old brother opened the door and slammed it behind him. He stomped past him with a look of anger. Ev furrowed his brow. “Asher?” Ev asked cautiously. Asher turned around and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Ev caught his eye and Asher’s look explained enough. He continued down the street.
With a sigh, Ev turned the doorknob and slowly opened the door. As he entered the house, he sucked in a breath. His father Malyk was pacing the kitchen floor and muttering something about Asher being stubborn and too headstrong. Harlin, Ev’s mother, had a concerned look, but didn’t say anything. She looked towards Ev as he walked in the door. She motioned with her head towards the staircase.
Ev took the cue and quietly made his way towards the stairs. But Malyk turned around, and eyed him.
“Where were you?”
“I was just at Ami’s,” Everton said. Why did his father care? He went there often enough that Malyk should have expected it by now.
“Really?”
“Yes…” Ev furrowed his brow. Why was he acting so suspicious?
“Mm…” Malyk said, shoving his hands into his pockets. He slowly approached Ev. “Asher was just here.”
Ev nodded slightly. “Yeah. I saw him leave.”
“He was telling me about a coup he and a gang plan to attempt on Len soon. He was trying to get me to join.” Malyk paused, waiting for an answer from his son.
“I know— er—” Ev coughed, trying to cover up his mistake.
Malyk narrowed his eyes. “How’d you know?”
Ev swallowed. “Asher’s told me about it before.”
“And has he tried to get you to join?”
“Yeah… why?”
“What did you answer him?”
“Why are you interrogating me?” The words just seemed to burst out of Ev’s mouth. He bit his tongue and broke eye contact.
Malyk raised an eyebrow. “Answer my question,” he said, keeping Ev under his sharp gaze.
“I… uh…” Ev looked up and straight into his father’s eyes. They were empty… dark… and cold. Ev blinked a few times. “I told him I’d be interested but wasn’t sure if you’d let me go.”
Malyk crossed his arms. He nodded his head and grunted. “And I will not let you go. Understood?”
Ev nodded. He whipped around and ran up the stairs, straight into his room, slamming the door behind him. He plopped on the bed and ran both his hands through his hair. He had only told his father part of the truth. It was true that he had told Asher he was interested, but by the end of the conversation, Ev had agreed to go.
There was no way he was backing out now. No one wanted to escape the Orb more than him. And he wanted to be a part of the group that finally annihilated their tyrannical ruler.
Ev felt a sudden urge to cry. He pressed his eyes closed and held back the tears… refusing to cry. Why did his life have to be like this? Ami and her family were so perfect. They all loved each other and always got along. But not in his family. They were distant from each other… Malyk was the only one who made the decisions and never let anyone say their opinions.
Ami had told Ev before of a God who loved him beyond his imagination and even died for him… but Ev didn’t believe it. No one could love him that much. He wasn’t worth it. Why would he let God waste His time on a person like himself?
The tears finally escaped. When they fell, the tension in Ev’s body seemed to release. He buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath. After a moment or two, Ev sat up and wiped away his tears. He ran a hand through his hair and took a shaky breath as a soft knock sounded on the door.
“Not now,” he grumbled. The door slowly opened. His thirteen year old brother, Lukas, stepped into the room. With a flick of his head, his dark, slightly curly hair brushed off his forehead. He sat on the floor and crossed his legs.
“What was it this time?” He asked.
Ev shook his head. “Nothing important.”
“Mm,” Lukas said. “Asher was here earlier.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry you missed him. I think he wanted to talk with you.”
Ev sighed. “Don’t worry… I’ll see him soon enough.”
Lukas nodded. “I suppose.” After a beat he stood up. “I’m gonna take a walk… Comin’ with?”
Everton forced a small smile. “Sure.”
They quickly left the house and traipsed along the sidewalk in silence. A company of Len’s guards stomped down the street in formation. As Ev and Lukas walked, Ev looked around at their city… it was in ruins from multiple riots and negligence on the part of the citizens. The empty tree branches waved in the wind. It was nearing the end of winter, but the weather held no promise that spring was coming. Every year, Ev doubted that it would. How could the beautiful things of nature bear to live and even thrive in a broken world like theirs? Ev sighed. Most of the people in his broken world barely thrived. They just pushed through every day, their only goal being survival.
The brothers soon reached the end of the district, the edge of the Orb.
Ev looked longingly at the border of The Orb. He took a step closer. His feet being less than a yard away.
He could leave right now… no guards were close by. “Ev,” Lukas said, glancing worriedly around. “Don’t even think about it. Come on. Let’s go. Before someone finds us.”
Ev didn’t budge, a slight smirk on his face. He heard the sound of boots against gravel come towards him. On his right now stood a guard. “What do you think you’re doing? Planning to go somewhere?”
“I wish,” Ev said, looking the guard right in the eyes.
The guard laughed. “If I were you, I wouldn’t even dare to try.”
Everton scooted just a bit closer to the edge. The guard’s hand flinched towards his rifle. Ev’s smirk grew even more pronounced. Then he slowly turned around, still eyeing the guard, and started to saunter away with Lukas by his side.
“We’re always watching,” the guard called out. “Don’t you forget it.”
Everton ignored him. He had bigger things to worry about anyway. They soon came back home. All too quickly.
Lukas started to walk into the house.
“Tell Mom I’ll be home in time for dinner,” Everton called out. Lukas sighed and nodded. Ev crossed the street as soon as Lukas closed the door.
He followed a few roads behind familiar alleyways, if they could even be called roads. The ground was damp from the rainstorm two days ago and dark puddles rippled in the broken up asphalt. He finally reached an alley that led to a dead end. He tried to not look nervous as a group of teenagers and young adults emerged from the shadows. The tallest of them came forward to Everton. He had a shadow of beard and smelled like he hadn’t bothered to shower for the past month.
He looked down at Ev. “So,” he said. “You’re the one that Asher told us about?”
Ev nodded. The man motioned with his head towards his accomplices. They came forward and searched Ev’s pockets. “He’s unarmed,” said one.
The man scrutinized Ev. “Our mission is planned for two days from now. It requires you to be dedicated to us and us only. We’re planning a coup on Bayron Len… You think you can handle it?”
Ev smirked. “Of course. No one wants out of The Orb more than me.” The man exchanged glances with those in his group. He looked back at Ev and said, “Good. Now here’s the plan.”
Ev smiled. This would be exciting.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@esther-c Ohhhhhhhhhhhh okay… hmm. Well here’s something I noticed in that first chapter…
The district school had been cut off because of The Orb, but she still kept up her studies due to her parents’ wishes.
If Ami is still a child and the Orb has been around for twenty years… ?? That and a couple other similar references were what made me think it was a rather recent occurrence. Unless something specific happened that made the Orb worse or something to result in the closing of the schools? Just something to think about!
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
Ohhhh, I can see how that would be a bit confusing. So I did mention in the first chapter that the Orb closed in on the nation. (Like, it was sort of shrinking and cutting off cities and such) Butttt, that explanation only lasted two sentences. XD I’ll probably have to go more into detail when I go back and edit.
Does that make more sense now? 😅
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@esther-c Ooooooooohhhhhhh okay okay, I must have missed that 😂. Yeah maybe a little more detail would help there! You may find other scatterbrained readers like me who would appreciate that 🤪
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
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