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Ohh, I see what you mean. I meant the main character isn’t looking at the sky anymore, but yeah, I’ll have to change that. Thank you!
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph, Julian, and Sabina from Ellette*
Okay, I’m finally here!! XD
So, I was digging pretty hard to find something to critique, so I’ll do my best…
“A hint of fear is smothered in the master’s gruff tone.” – why the fear?? Just because of the curfew?
I agree that it was pretty obvious the man was going to be the king.
In first person it’s really easy to use “is” a lot. So for an example…
“A hint of fear is smothered in the master’s gruff tone.”
… instead could be…
“The master’s gruff tone smothers a hint of fear.”
It’s just put in a cleaner way, if that makes sense. And that’s not to say the word “is” is bad in any way, it’s just that a sentence can sometimes pack a bigger punch without it, especially if it’s used a lot in other sentences.
I love the story – it’s well written and really sweet – but I did expect a bigger buildup. That’s not to say the story didn’t hit the right points; Mason goes from believing a lie to believing in the truth. It is pretty unclear though what he wants as a person and what he needs as a person, and how those two things are fulfilled. It may not be the main focus of the story, but it’s still important to make a character believable.
So what I do, even in short stories, is figure out my characters first (mostly because they’re my favorite part lol, but also because they’re obviously very important). So for Rina, it’s something like this…
She wants freedom.
She needs to have real, good relationships and learn what freedom truly means.
She believes the lie that no one could care about her or be trusted, that she’s useless, and that she’s been alone all her years of imprisonment.
She learns the truth that true freedom isn’t being free of a physical place or reaching a certain goal, but instead doing the right thing and living in the Phoenix’s (God’s) will. She learns that she can trust and she can have unselfish relationships with others like Dune and Sorren and Obi.
Etc., etc., but that’s just off the top of my head lol.
So, I really loved this story!! Honestly I think it came out a lot better than my first drafts do, so great job there XD There were just some small things I noticed, but the overall is amazing. Sorry for the rant haha, and thanks for sharing!!!
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
So, yep! Mostly just because of the curfew. I guess I was trying to show how the villagers were impacted by it, if that makes sense.
That’s true, I might use that word a lot XD. I’ll have to reread it and see where I can change words around to fix that. Thanks for pointing that out!
Yeah, I get that. I’m not really sure how the buildup could have been bigger. Do you have any ideas?
And yeah, I didn’t really decide on a goal for the main character. Sometimes I feel like in short stories, that works fine, but yeah, it would make it more clear if he had an obvious need and that was resolved in the story.
I really liked reading what hers was because I always try to do that for other people’s characters XD like in books. I’ll have to work on that, I guess sometimes I just wanna start writing so I don’t plan all that out.
Thanks!! No problem, it was fun to read!
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph, Julian, and Sabina from Ellette*
Yeah, that totally makes sense! And you’re welcome, I really enjoyed reading it!!
For buildup, I’m not quite sure. Maybe Mason has a big decision to make, and something about the king helps him make that decision? Or maybe to keep it more line with what you have so far, something big rests on the identity of the king?? I’d have to think about it, my brain is being slow XD
Okay, ack, I’ve gtg, but I’ll talk to you soon!! Hope this helped!
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Okay, I’ll think about it! No problem, thank you!
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph, Julian, and Sabina from Ellette*
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