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Hi guys! I have a poem that I hope to post on KP by Christmas. It’s a Christmas poem called “My Arms Branch Out Wide.”
My arms branch out wide
As the Sun beams down,
Filling the forest around me with light
The snow, oh so white,
Shines like crystals gleaming
I take it all in with all my mightTall creatures surround me;
I believe they are called “people”
But, alas, it is evil on which they are keen
I’m brought to my knees
And I’m dragged out of sight
Not knowing what to do, or what all this meansAs I’m riding in a buggy,
So smelly, so wet,
With a discomfort I’ve never experienced before,
I watch with dismay
As my wonderful home
Disappears from view; my heart is tornI’m brought back to sunlight
And tied up and scratched
With knives of all sizes they stir my grief
I’m burdened with sadness
And bound by rope…
Now I know what it’s like to be a shriveled leafThe bonds are unraveled
I am allowed to stand
But with fear and sorrow I realize the truth
Other ones like me
Are being held hostage
From slender to tall, from elder to youthThe people are abundant
They seem to be jolly
Their clothing woolly, their faces rosy
Just then I’m brought down
And I think with alarm
Of all the hostages, somebody chose meAll over again,
I’m bound and cut
And cast into darkness once again
As I lie bouncing
In another ghastly engine,
I feel there is nothing to ease my painI’m brought inside
Of a tall, sturdy hut,
And at last I’m allowed to stretch my limbs
My insides are dry,
And my torso is stiff
How I long for a pool of water to the rimAll of a sudden,
I’m surrounded again
By juvenille people with bright rosy cheeks
All at once they start clothing me
With dozens of trinkets,
And lights of all colors from bottom to peakThey put gifts at my feet,
And fresh water to drink
I feel a great, pulsing joy in my heart
It flows through my veins
And nourishes my core
Sweetened with mirth is my body, every partIt’s a few days later
And the young ones are squealing
I watch as they unwrap the gifts in delight
I gaze at the whole family
Transparent with glee
Their merriment is glowing with a brilliant lightMy arms branch out wide
As the children beam up
Filling the room that I’m in with light
The family, so right
Shines like crystals, gleaming
I take it all in with all my mightAs at last, I find a peace, so bright
I have shown this poem to my Dad, my English teacher, and Kingdom Pen, and they all agree that I need to reword for accuracy – some of the terminology is too human. (In case you didn’t catch it, the poem is about a Christmas tree) For example I used words like “knees” and “veins,” both of which trees don’t have. Do you guys have any suggestions to make this poem more clear but still subtle? Also not quite so “dark” and “scary?”
You can pronounce it however you want.
@Dekreel to tone it down from being so dark, you could change the aspects of fear and horror/dismay that the tree feels, to a sense of confusion and curiosity. That would shift the mood from ‘scary’ to a much lighter feel.
A way to avoid so much of the human terminology you can use similes instead. Saying “I feel a great, pulsing joy in my heart” could be changed to something more along the lines of ‘Joy pulses through me, as if I had a heart’ (not that actual phrasing though, that’s just a rough example of changing the literal “the tree has a heart” to “it’s like the tree has a heart.)
Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@dekreel How did I not see this? *shakes head at self* Anyway, I liked it a lot. But, I don’t write/know anything about poetry, so… I’m just going to stand here awkwardly. 😉 The line “How I long for a pool of water to the rim” sounds weird to me. But, again I don’t know anything about poetry, so I don’t have any suggestions as to how to change it. Over all, great poem! 😀
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@dekreel This is a great poem. I love the tree’s voice.
There are definitely some parts that are awkward. I echo what @daughteroftheking said about the lineHow I long for a pool of water to the rim
And I also agree with @jane-maree about the dark mood. I felt like the tree was dying and in agony almost the whole time. Maybe turn his sadness into joy sooner? Free-verse is sometimes hard to do and you pulled it off nicely. Anyway, just some thoughts.
A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)
Thank you all very much! I will look into the changes
@daughteroftheking Don’t feel bad – my English teacher didn’t get it the first time either!You can pronounce it however you want.
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