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So recently (okay, not recently). For the past TWO novels, I’ve been really focusing on the show don’t tell thing. That in itself is all right. I don’t know how to do otherwise now. However, it creates another sort of problem.
Choppiness.
Due to the fact that I’m not exactly writing a school essay and transitions such as ‘furthermore’ won’t work in sci-fi, my writing is getting quite choppy. I have so much to write, so many emotions, and description and action tags, but I have no idea how to string it all together. Soooooo… how am I supposed to make this less choppy?
I used to know how to do this. But I guess I have to re-learn it.
Note: I am not referring to Sector One: Insurrection. That was written before I knew about show don’t tell.
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@dragon-snapper I’m not really an expert on this, but the thing that’s helped me most is mixing things up — variety.
Variety in sentence length. I like to mix long, short, and medium sentences in a fairly even blend.
Variety in sentence openers. Too many subject openers in a row can get choppy. Try to throw in some -ings, when-while-where-as-since-if-although-because-s, and prepositions to shake things up a bit.
Variety in content “type”. You have many different types of content you string together to make a story: dialogue, speaking out loud to one’s self, internal monologue, descriptions, body language/actions, internal sensations, and probably some more I’m forgetting. You want to be regularly changing from using one type to another. Too much of one type is, well, not choppy normally, but heavy-handed. These tools all work best when they bounce off each other. I guess this isn’t as helpful with choppiness, but it will help somewhat.
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@Dragon-Snapper I’m just gonna shove this on you becau
se this taught me almost everything I know about choppiness.
And as far as action/dialogue tags… that’s when things get tricky. Like Daeus said, it’s a complicated dance of changing up the pattern of things. What I’ve found helps is when you take a basic action and elaborate on it. Don’t say, “He sneered.” Say, “He sneered, his face contorting into a camouflage pattern of red and purple.” Don’t say, “He kicked the vase.” Say, “His leg careened toward the vase, dashing it into a thousand slivers of pottery.”
(wow, those examples are so angry…)
Of course, you have to be careful with this. You don’t want to elaborate on every single action, because that would be both long, boring, and WAAAAAY too wordy. Change it up. Have a short, terse action tag. Then a long one. By carefully interspersing short tags with long ones, you’re adding variation to the writing while still keeping choppiness and wordiness properly balanced off each other.
INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/
@Dragon-snapper yeah. They said it. 😛
@Dragon-Snapper Have pancakes. They fix everything, you know. *pancakes*
@dragon-snapper unfortunately, I don’t think I know enough to be able to help you, but it looks like you got some awesome advice already 🙂
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.comAaaaaaaand then there’s @Emma-Flournoy. Making the world a better place, one pancake at a time. XD
INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/
@dragon-snapper I’ve actually been struggling with this a lot myself, ever since I started focusing on show-don’t-tell. My sentences are choppy. Like this. To show what a character does. Ike crossed his arms. Kaydon sniffed.
I think the key is to focus on some of the emotions and such, and make them longer than the others. These would be the more important ones so you can focus on them. So, from Zelaya’s POV: Clenching her fists, Zelaya stepped forward and swung her sweaty hands up to Lorkare’s face, her heart thundering. Lorkare tilted his helmet.
That way the relevent ones are longer, the side characters are shorter, and you have some sentence variety
@emma-flournoy XD XD They do. I need to eat more pancakes *looks disdainfully at bowl of cereal**Giarstanornarak tries to melt chair*
Also, Daeus has 22 turtles in his signature.@Ethryndal @Sam-Kowal *most serious head-bobbing* I’ve been stalking your blog, @Dragon-Snapper, and have not failed to notice your serious relationship with pancakes, pizza, and cinnamon rolls.
They make life beautiful indeed.
@emma-flournoy Dey are all mine. *nods*
*is glad that you are stalking my blog*☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
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