Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › Chapter 1 of The Dragonsbane Society
- This topic has 74 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 7 months ago by Keilah H..
-
AuthorPosts
-
April 5, 2023 at 2:42 pm #139357
Thanks!!! 🙂
Heh, no… I used to call her Kyrah, and accidentally still spell it that way sometimes instead of what I call her now, Kirah. So anytime that happens is unintentional. 😅 I found just recently that in the Crescent patrol there was another girl, Kira, so I don’t know what I was thinking there… I’ll have to change that.
Fun fact, Kirah’s original name was actually Rune. I ended up changing it because there was a Dune in Healer, and I thought they sounded too similar, but Rune may yet be a side character in something. 🤣
- This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Ava Murbarger (Solfyre).
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
April 5, 2023 at 2:45 pm #139359Makes sense to me, names are hard🤣
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
April 5, 2023 at 5:01 pm #139364@keilah-h @thearcaneaxiom @felicity @esther-c @awsumfaith @anyone
Not gonna lie I have no idea how those tags didn’t work last time. 😕
Here’s the next bit of the Dragonsbane Society:
Tali pressed a rough cloth to her temple, where Brycen had hit her. The gash had mostly stopped bleeding by now, but it still stung. Atticus paced the tent, and Brycen was tied up in the corner, still unconscious. She swallowed and looked up at the gem resting on Atticus’s dark skin, directly over his bare chest. He and his men went without shirts and cloaks only to show off their muscles, but she couldn’t imagine how cold it must be.
These rogues had found her a couple months ago. They’d come into Greyward, set up a tent, and almost immediately began stealing from anyone they could. With twelve men in total, all with shaved heads, the requirement to get in was to pass a test given to them by the ring leader, Atticus. Tali’s test hadn’t been to get in. It had been for her life. She’d had to steal from the mayor of Greyward, a well-guarded man with more muscle than Atticus himself. She’d barely made it out with his pocket watch, which was now clipped to Atticus’s shorts pocket.
Brycen groaned, his eyes still closed. Atticus paused until he was sure the boy was still out cold, running his tongue over his golden tooth. Tali cleared her throat. “This…” she trailed off, withering a little as Atticus turned his silver gaze towards her. “You’ll let me go now, right? Like you promised?”
“Like you promised?” Atticus mimicked her, pitching his voice higher. He barked a sharp laugh and leaned forward until his face was a foot away from hers. “Thieves don’t make promises, girl. I thought you’d learned that by now.”
Tali flinched away, her heart sinking as she glanced at Brycen. “Y- you’re right. That was… my mistake.”
“Right,” Atticus said, nodding. He narrowed his eyes at her. “What’s wrong? You care about the boy, don’t you?” He laughed and kicked Brycen in the side hard. He grunted, and Tali winced.
“No, it’s really not like that. It’s just… I just…”
“Just what?” Atticus snapped. “You think you’re better than us, do you? Just ‘cause you have your little power doesn’t mean you’re suddenly in charge. You’re nothing without us.”
“Yeah,” Tali said, shoulders slumping. “Nothing. You’re right… Again.”
Atticus nodded sharply. “Right. Now what were you going to say?”
Tali looked away. “I’m just tired.”
“That’s what I thought,” Atticus said with a smug smile. “But you’ll have time to rest later. For now, we have some thieving to do.”
Tali glanced at Brycen. “We just leave him here?”
“Of course not,” Atticus replied, turning his head and whistling. “Borwin will watch him. Do you really think I’m that stupid?”
“N- no,” Tali said. “Just wondered.”
Borwin entered, and Atticus led Tali out into the daylight. The sky was yellow, nearing orange, and the air was thick and humid. She tossed the cloth to the ground and followed Atticus, wrapping her arms around herself. How had she been so naive? She would never be free, not with Atticus around. She could make people see things, hear things even, but never more than two people at once, and even two was exhausting.
She had to get Atticus alone. It would be her only chance.
And maybe, she thought sadly, just maybe Brycen will forgive me.
She knew he would say he understood, but he’d be hurt. She had tried so hard to find another way, but Atticus, for whatever reason, was set on getting his hands on the boy. All she could hope was that, whatever he wanted with Brycen, he wouldn’t end up getting himself hurt.
Atticus chuckled, peeking around a tent and rubbing his large hands together. “Ah, good, good. Come and see.”
Tentatively, Tali stepped forward and followed Atticus’s gaze. There stood a large tent, with two guards posted at the front. The mayor’s tent? Tali took a step back. “You can’t be serious.”
“Oh, I can,” he said giddily. “The two of us can take them, easy. Just get those eyes ready, and don’t mess up.”
Tali frowned. “Our tent is less than a half mile from here! They’ll find us for sure.”
“They won’t expect it,” Atticus said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Go on, then. Just make them think they’re chasing someone else, and they’ll run off. Then we’ll have our fun.”
Fun, she thought with a scowl. Yeah, perfectly fun, until you get caught, and then you’re dead.
Tali sighed and crept into the open, approaching the tent. Both guards’ eyes followed her motion, and when she got a few feet away, she stopped and waved. Focusing, she felt her eyes flash. She’d tried to see how her eyes looked when she did it by looking into a mirror, but ended up seeing things by her own power. Feeling her hands shaking, she pushed her power until the men’s eyes went wide and they chased after an imaginary thief, yelling.
After a couple seconds, she stopped and took a deep breath, clasping her hands to stop their shaking. Atticus came up behind her, clapping her on the back so that she staggered forward. “Well done! Ha! Now let’s go inside.”
This is it! her mind screamed. Do it now, while he’s alone! Leave, and freedom is yours!
But the guards were gone, and they would be searching soon. Not only that, Brycen was still unconscious, and she could never hope to talk to him until tomorrow, at the very least. So instead, she walked into the tent, aware of Atticus following along behind and grinning wildly. The rooms were separated by walls made of the same fabric as the outside of the tent, so she had to tread carefully to avoid bringing any unnecessary attention. The tent had to be at least a quarter mile wide and long, if she had to guess, making it the biggest “building” in Greyward.
Voices came from a room to the left. Tali went to turn right, but Atticus grabbed her shoulder, turning her around. She pulled away and glared at him, and he raised his eyebrows, grinning crazily and nodding in the direction of the voices.
“Now for the fun. Shall we?”
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
April 8, 2023 at 3:04 pm #139639I just caught up on the parts you posted since I was on here last!
When did Brycen hit Tali? I was a bit confused there, but really interested in seeing where you’re going with this Atticus guy. 😉
He must increase, but I must decrease.
April 8, 2023 at 3:08 pm #139641Thanks! Brycen hit Tali when everything went black and he swung out his fist. So, he didn’t mean to, but it just kind of happened.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
April 8, 2023 at 5:24 pm #139656April 8, 2023 at 7:28 pm #139660Sorry I took so long to respond to this.
So at this point you’ve basically displayed plainly that she’s the shifter. Though you said that she was shifting reality, but it looks more like it’s only illusionary magic, convincing one individual at a time of what reality is, without that actually being reality. Perhaps that is only because its the beginning of the manifestation of her powers, and it will grow to have more direct affects later, is that right? If so, that reminds me of the Reckoners series from Brandon Sanderson, though I guess I shouldn’t say why because that would be spoilers if your ever interested in reading it. Anyways, it gets into the idea of confusing reality shifting magic for illusionary magic, which I thought was really interesting, are you thinking of something like that?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
April 8, 2023 at 9:47 pm #139662No problem!
Yeah, her powers are very limited so far. The idea is that this general time is when all their powers are beginning to really develop. So yeah, that’s just the small part, and shifting reality is the end result, though it takes tons of energy for her to do so. I’ve never read the Reckoners series, but I’ve been looking into reading more Brandon Sanderson, so I’ll have to check it out.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
April 10, 2023 at 6:00 pm #139800@keilah-h @thearcaneaxiom @felicity @esther-c @awsumfaith
Here’s the next section in the Dragonsbane Society:
Amara pulled back the string of her bow, peering at the target, a circle of thin wood they’d nailed to a tree. Keeping the arrow straight, she released it and watched as it buried itself in the ground. She sighed and dropped the bow. Wolf came to her side, affectionately leaning his head against her leg.
“It appears I’ll be of no help on the battlefield,” Amara said. “If there ever is one.”
Finley let his arrow fly from beside her, swift and true, piercing the center of the target. He smiled kindly as she threw her arms up in exasperation. “There’ll be a battle, I’m sure of it, field or not. Only we won’t be fighting trees. We’ll be fighting real, ten foot tall dragons, twenty feet if we’re lucky.”
Wolf growled and barked, and Amara sat down in the grass, wrapping her arms around the dog. “I’m just glad you and Wolf will be with me. I don’t think I could face a dragon otherwise, even if it was four feet tall.” She looked up at Finley. “I just hope Kirah is well by the end of this all.”
Finley knocked another arrow. “I believe she will be. Often someone must reach their deepest low to find their greatest height.” He let loose the arrow, and for a moment Amara thought he had missed completely. It flew into the highest leaves of the tree, and after a few desperate flaps of its wings, a large bird fell to the ground. “Ah, a forest falcon. Good meat, but I hope Halberd never comes to see him cooked.”
“Where is that falcon of yours anyway?” Amara asked. She shook her head. “And stop distracting me! You can’t just drop wisdom on someone and then continue without explaining.”
Finley shrugged. “It hardly needs explaining. And if it does, you’ll figure it out soon enough.” He put away his bow and went to fetch the falcon and his arrows. “Halberd shouldn’t be too far from here. He was hunting last I saw him. But I shouldn’t call him until we have this falcon hidden away, perhaps in a nice stew. Wonderful birds they are, especially with some simmering vegetables.”
Amara gasped. “Finley!”
He chuckled. “Well, it’s true. Besides, I doubt Halberd would care about this one anyway. I’ve spotted him fighting other falcons of the forest before, and he always wins. The only other falcon he cares for is Katana, and perhaps their future hatchlings. He’s really a big softie, though, and it appears he’s taken quite the liking to Wolf.”
“Sure.” Amara stood, and Wolf padded alongside her as she and Finley walked back towards the hills. “I wish I knew what to do. But with Mother gone, it’s all just a waiting game.” She kicked a rock through the grass with her boot. “Do you think Keith is done with Kirah yet?”
Finley threw a stick for Wolf. “I’m not sure. I don’t even know what they were doing.”
“Something about getting her strength back,” Amara said. “So maybe sword training? But I’m not sure how that will work with her like this. He must know it’s not something he can fix.”
“Impossible ideas are still ideas,” Finley replied. “I guess he just didn’t have any possible ideas. But I wouldn’t worry about it. He seems like a good man.”
Amara nodded. “I think so, too.” Suddenly she stopped walking, and Finley glanced back at her.
“What’s up?”
“I was just thinking,” Amara said. “Kirah said that the founders of the Underground might have gone to Brimstone. But Mother was the only founder, right?”
Finley scratched the back of his head. “Amara, look. I know you have questions, and I probably know some of the answers, but Jade wanted to keep this stuff a secret. At least for now. You get it, right?”
Amara sighed. “I guess so. But why couldn’t she tell me?”
“Jade wanted to keep you safe. That much I know,” Finley said firmly, and Amara knew the conversation was over.
They walked the rest of the way in silence, Wolf panting as he sniffed through the grass. They passed between two hills, got past Banner, who stood guard at the metal door, and climbed down the ladder. Wolf jumped before Amara could help him down, and made the landing look easy. For a moment she wondered if he had jumped up to get out earlier, but it seemed like a stretch.
Wolf and Amara continued on towards the Arena to find Kirah and Keith while Finley went to check on Katana. Even before Amara entered she could hear voices from inside. As she walked through the door, Cora waved her over from the bench along the wall. Rollan and Elryn sat beside her.
Kirah was on one knee holding a shield over her head while Keith brought his sword down on it over and over again. She saw Amara and gave her a small smile before bracing herself for another strike. A sword- Amara assumed it was Kirah’s- lay on the floor a few yards away. Amara winced. Keith had probably knocked it from Kirah’s grasp when they fought.
Amara sat down and was deciding whether or not to have Wolf bring the sword to Kirah when the seer ducked and slammed the shield into Keith’s legs, sending him teetering backwards. She lunged for her sword and fumbled with the hilt before pointing the blade at Keith and backing away. She was sweating and breathing hard.
“Good,” Keith said. “Unfortunately, I don’t think that kind of move will work on a dragon.”
Kirah lowered her sword a little. “I wasn’t fighting a dragon. I was fighting you.”“Alright, then,” Keith replied, stalking over to sit beside Rollan. He pointed at Cora, then Elryn. “You two. Draw your swords.”
Cora and Elryn stood, pulling their weapons from their sheaths. Amara tried to read Kirah’s expression. She looked tired, and maybe a little excited to be fighting someone other than Keith. The man could probably swing hard with that sword, being more than twice her size.
“This is either going to be great,” Rollan whispered, “or hard to watch.”
Amara nodded and watched as Elryn circled to the left, and Cora to the right. Kirah took a deep breath and dropped the shield, using both hands to grip the sword. Elryn ran forward and clashed his sword against hers, and she pushed back, setting her feet. She brought the sword down on his hilt and quickly maneuvered to deflect Cora’s incoming blade. Amara watched her eyes carefully. Before, when they were out on patrol, her eyes had gone strangely cold as she entered a vision. Now, though, they were fiery and focused, in Illura, not Brimstone.
Kirah continued to block their blows, backing up, and rarely going on the offense. Keith watched her carefully. “She’s slowing,” he said softly. “A lot faster than she used to.”
“She’s been fighting for a while, hasn’t she?” Amara asked. “It’s normal for people to get tired after that.”
Keith shook his head. “The fight you saw was the first. We simply talked before that. And you didn’t see Kirah when she was at her best.” He laughed. “She could best me easily then.”
Amara tapped her fingers on the bench, watching Kirah. “She’s switching hands a lot.”
“Likely from the fire in her visions,” Keith said. “Or maybe just exhaustion.” He stood as Elryn and Cora backed Kirah into a corner. “That’s enough! We’re done for today.”
Kirah sheathed her sword and wiped sweat from her brow, making her way out of the room. Amara ran to catch up with her.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
April 12, 2023 at 4:22 pm #139916Looking good! But I’m wondering now about the security of the underground. Of course Amara would get past everyone that knows her, but can anyone that knows its location really able to just walk in? Is there any kind of identification catalog or something, because it won’t always be people she knows that’s guarding right?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
April 12, 2023 at 5:10 pm #139920Thanks!
Yeah, I probably should have put that in somewhere. At dinner for the underground, they all eat together in the dining hall, and new people are announced. There are sometimes misunderstandings if people don’t remember that, but win the underground system they switch around roles a lot, getting to know everyone better within a couple weeks. But yeah, I should definitely mention that there is a guard somewhere in there. Thanks for catching that! It’s definitely something I need to add in.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
April 19, 2023 at 9:37 pm #140630@keilah-h @keilah-h @esther-c @awsumfaith @felicity
Here’s the next piece of the Dragonsbane Society!
Tali stumbled out of the tent, clutching her side. Pain muddled her senses and blurred her vision. Atticus clamped his hand around her wrist and yanked her forward.
“Come on, girl! You’ll get us both caught!”
She staggered along behind him as blood dampened her cloak. Grimacing, she pressed her hand against the wound. Atticus had wanted a fight. What he got was a room full of guards, one holding a sword that ended up piercing Tali’s skin.
Yells erupted from the tent as Atticus dragged her behind another. She breathed in ragged gulps of air, squeezing her eyes shut. “Atticus… Atticus, we need to stop.”
“There’s no time for that!” Atticus snarled. “You think that you’re in pain now? Just wait for the punishment you’ll get for getting us into this mess!”
Tali gritted her teeth. “You’re a snake from Brimstone, Atticus.”
He grinned. “Your eyes glow gold when you’re angry. I’ve been called worse, trust me.”
Do it! her mind urged. Escape now. This is his fault. His fault!
Atticus backed up, pulling her with him, as guards appeared on all sides, holding swords and spears. One of them stepped forward. “Thieves,” he spat. “Greedy fools. No one steals from Deren.”
Atticus laughed, and the gem gleamed. “No one, hmm?” He shook Tali by the shoulder. “Ha! A mere girl stole from your ridiculous mayor, right from his pocket, and not one of you fools noticed! Some guards you are.” He pushed Tali forward. “Go on, show them what you can do.”
Show them, her mind echoed. Show them your power. Show him. Show them all. Let no one stop you. Let them all go mad.
And this time she didn’t resist.
With a flash of rage, she threw out her hands and yelled. Her strength was forced from her, and she fell to her knees in the sand. Her heart beat in an abnormal rhythm. The men around her were in a panic, thrusting their weapons at invisible enemies, until they fled, Atticus among them.
Run! her mind laughed. A draconic growl spiced the words, making her shiver. Cowards! They know nothing of power.
Tali put a hand to her head, gasping. “No, no, stop! That isn’t me! Get out… out of my head!”
Silence, but for the beat of her heart and her heavy breathing. Her head throbbed, and blood still seeped through her cloak. Brycen’s cloak. She had to get back to him. She had to free him. She had to get out.
Her heart slowly fell into a somewhat normal rhythm, and she set her jaw. She tried to push herself to her feet, but her legs couldn’t hold her. Instead, she shifted over so that her back was against the base of the tent, hoping no one would come back to find her. Her eyelids drooped, and she let her head rest on the sand. Surely no one would miss her if she just took a short nap…
Tali woke up to a blackening sky. It took her a moment to remember what had happened, but the pain in her side brought back the troubling memory. She’d slept far, far too long. Brushing sand off of her cloak, she stood and stumbled towards the tent they’d come from. If Brycen was still there, maybe she still had a chance.
Slim, but a chance all the same.
Tali’s heart skipped a beat when she entered the tent. Borwin and a couple other thieves stood in the back. Brycen sat in the corner, still tied up, and very much awake. He tried to speak through the gag, and Tali froze as the men turned towards her. Borwin looked her over and whistled.
“What’d Atticus do to you?”
Tali wanted Brycen’s expression torn from fear to confusion, his brow furrowing. She looked away and met Borwin’s eyes. “Let him go, Borwin.”
Borwin grinned. “Let me guess, Atticus’s orders?” The other two men chuckled. “Nice try.”
Tali sighed, clenching her fists, and could feel her eyes flash gold. “I said, let him go.”
Borwin narrowed his eyes as the other two men took a wary step back. “What exactly happened out there? Where’s Atticus?”
“I don’t know,” Tali replied. She glanced around, avoiding Brycen’s eyes. “I thought he’d be back by now.”
“Haven’t seen him,” Borwin told her. He took a slow step forward. “I don’t know whether to kill you, or to take you to a doctor.”
“Neither,” Tali replied. “Let Brycen go, and I’ll leave.”
A deep, menacing voice from behind her made her jump. “Ah. There you are.” Cold metal pressed against Tali’s neck. “I wouldn’t move.”
He’s back. He’s back, and there’s no way out.
Tali took a deep breath, feeling the knife press against her skin. She knew Brycen was watching her, trying to get her attention, but she couldn’t look at him. Not now. Borwin tsked and shook his head. “I thought she seemed off, Atti. Just wasn’t sure.”
“Off is an understatement.” He shoved Tali forward and she collapsed with a cry, her side exploding with pain. Atticus shook his head. “Not only did she get us caught. She used her power against me.”
Tali glared up at Atticus, pushing herself up onto her knees. “You got us caught. You got me stabbed. What else was I supposed to do?”Do it again. Use it again, your power. He wouldn’t hesitate. Do it.
Tali glanced down to where the knife rested inside her boot. If it were just Atticus, she would have drawn it out, but he had three men on his side. All she had was herself- and maybe, out of pure naivety on his part, a young thief trapped in ropes. It wasn’t much, and she wouldn’t risk it.
Atticus’s lips drew into a snarl. “You’re a liar. A liar, or the loss of blood is getting to your head.” He narrowed his eyes. “For your sake, I hope it’s the second of the two.”
Tali opened her mouth to respond, then closed it again. She felt dizzy. The loss of blood may really have been part of it, and she wasn’t a liar… Maybe better to play this part out.
She smiled dumbly up at Atticus, cocking her head. “Blood? Atti, you’re not bleeding.”
He sputtered and his eyes were full of confusion before hardening again. “You don’t call me Atti. And don’t think I believe your little act.”
Tali just blinked up at him with wide eyes, swaying a little. She couldn’t lose the act now. She was in too deep. Her life, and maybe Brycen’s, was on the line.
“You think I’m a fool?” Atticus spat. His eyes went to Brycen, and his grin returned. He turned, brought the knife up above his head, and laughed, eyes gleaming. “Angry yet, golden-eyes? What makes your blood boil?”
Tali stared dazedly at the space where Atticus’s head had been. He was trying to make her mad. To make her eyes glow gold. And she couldn’t. Her eyes begged to look at the knife, at Brycen. But she couldn’t, wouldn’t throw away this chance.
Now you’re learning, the voice hissed in delight. The boy will die, and you’ll be free. You don’t need him…
The voice echoed louder and louder in her mind. The boy will die… die… die!
Tali put her hands to her ears, gasping. “Get… out… of… my head!” She squeezed her eyes shut, knowing they were blazing gold. She didn’t want to know if Atticus had really used the knife. She sat there, shaking her head, until Borwin finally spoke.
“Atti, she needs a doctor.”
Tali heard something hit the ground. The knife? “She doesn’t need anything! She’s just… messing with your minds.”
Tali eased her eyes open while they argued. The knife was on the ground a few feet away, and Brycen watched her with questioning eyes. Maybe she really did need a doctor. The voice couldn’t be real.
“Do what you want,” Borwin said. “But she’s one of us now, isn’t she?” Tali flinched. “She’s gotten us out of a few bad situations already. Can’t we just make sure she doesn’t die?”
Atticus glared down at her, teeth grinding. Tali felt tears in her eyes, and they weren’t fake. She sniffed and stared down at the ground. Finally, he grabbed the knife and stuck it in his pocket. “No doctor. I’ll find her a bandage. Tie her up and leave her beside the boy.” He whipped around and yelled over his shoulder as he stalked away. “And guard her from the outside of the tent, or she’ll get inside your heads!”
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
April 20, 2023 at 3:46 pm #140672@kyronthearcanin Nice job! I only have one issue, and that’s the fact that it sorta skipped a little too far. Like, the fight that wounded Tali was only mentioned–maybe write that out a little more in the beginning?
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
April 20, 2023 at 4:10 pm #140679Thanks!
Yeah, I probably should. XD I thought about it, but at the time writer’s block was happening, lol. I’ll write it out and post it here at some point.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
April 20, 2023 at 5:04 pm #140689@kyronthearcanin You’re welcome!
And okay, that makes sense. Happens to all writers!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.