Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › Chapter 1 of The Dragonsbane Society
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March 31, 2023 at 3:10 pm #138907
No, I can totally tell you! Just a warning, it is somewhat of a spoiler, but not hugely. Basically, it means one of her parents was a dragon, and eventually her own dragon traits start to show. (So, BIGGER SPOILER,
Amara’s father was a dragon.) I’ll get into how that happened later, because it’s somewhat complicated.Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
March 31, 2023 at 3:25 pm #138909@kyronthearcanin Whoa, really?? How did that happen, like can some dragons turn into humans? Because I remember reading about a Polynesian myth where a shark chieftain could shift himself into a human, and when he married a human, their kid had shark features. So is it something like that? Or some other way? Like on subject of “dragon traits.” Can she breathe fire? Will she grow scales or a tail somewhere? Will she fly? Or will it be something simpler….
- This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Keilah H..
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
March 31, 2023 at 3:33 pm #138911Yep, pretty similar to that! As for the dragon traits, (from what I’m thinking so far) it starts out small, until eventually she’s more dragon than she is human. It revolves a lot around the prophecy (which I have yet to write 😅🤣), and I’m still debating as to whether to have them turn back to normal after the events of the book… I guess we’ll have to see.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
March 31, 2023 at 3:36 pm #138912@kyronthearcanin Oh, ok cool! So maybe it starts with her eyes becoming like cat eyes or something, then she gets fire breathing, later she starts getting scales and a tail/wings? That’ll be kinda cool, tbh.
And I’ve written a couple prophecies before if you need any help!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
March 31, 2023 at 3:43 pm #138913Yeah, I’ve written a couple different stories about Amara before, and it always starts with her eyes becoming slitted. Then afterwards she’d have scales on her arms, then sometimes in her mouth (because of eventual fire-breathing), and by the end of it she’d have wings and stuff.
I’d appreciate the help with the prophecy! I’ve only written one before, for a WIP a long time ago. Just to give you an idea, here it is. (A little bit of background, I was probably nine, and it revolved around dragons, and one saving the others by dying… while she was a wolf. It’s a long story 😅)
Though kingdoms fall and strong winds blow,
With scales that burn and scales that glow,
Fire fights fire, the light fights the dark,
Only one can win; only one wears the Mark.
A dragon’s worst fear, a wolf’s greatest pain,
Lies in the darkness, where chaos will reign.
A dragon, once fallen, will rise again,
No longer a wolf, but true to the den.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
March 31, 2023 at 3:51 pm #138915@kyronthearcanin That one’s actually nice! My prophecies usually don’t rhyme, for example here’s my favorite one I’ve written:
Where the moons cast light on the tempest, there the wings of ice will rise, a talon completed.
Teal, a sixth sense to lead his brothers well.
Silver, seeing farther than any other.
Slate, smarts over senses.
Sky, strong talons and fierce fangs.
White, different yet the same.
When the claws of treachery unleash their fury, five dragons born on brightest night will be a tribe’s last hope.
That one was based off of a Wings of Fire-type story. I have two others, but they need a bit of work. I also have a few unrelated ones.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
March 31, 2023 at 3:54 pm #138916The backstory was that the ice dragons were sorta enslaved and mistreated by the other kinds. Five dragonets–one of each color mentioned in the prophecy–would be the ones to save them from their fate.
the slate dragon dies though, and he was my second favorite.Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
March 31, 2023 at 3:55 pm #138917That’s really good! (When I wrote that prophecy, I was under the impression that prophecies were supposed to rhyme for some reason… I don’t know where I got that)
Anyway, yeah, Wings of Fire and its prophecies are awesome! I’ve been kind of disappointed by the series recently, though the storyline is really good.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
March 31, 2023 at 4:01 pm #138918@kyronthearcanin Yeah, the series isn’t that great if you look at the later books. The first five were awesome though. My story for that is sort of Wings of Fire minus the trashy stuff, but combined with Star Wars. so basically you’ve got all the Star Wars characters but they’re dragons, and there’s several more prophecies, and some more cool things.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
March 31, 2023 at 4:03 pm #138919That sounds really great! I enjoyed the Jade Mountain Academy thing for the most part, but that’s just cause it had Moon and Qibli in it, who are my absolute favorites. My first favorite was Tsunami, though, especially after book 2.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
March 31, 2023 at 4:06 pm #138921@kyronthearcanin Yeah, Jade Mountain was cool too. I like Moon also, although my first favorite has to be Sunny.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
March 31, 2023 at 4:08 pm #138922Yes, Sunny is definitely great! I think the reason I liked Tsunami is because I was really shy, and Tsunami was just the opposite XD
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
March 31, 2023 at 4:09 pm #138923@kyronthearcanin Ha ha! Yeah, Tsunami’s cool.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
March 31, 2023 at 5:53 pm #138924@keilah-h @thearcaneaxiom @felicity @esther-c @janellebelovedpig @whoever-else
Here’s the next bit of the Dragonsbane Society:
Kirah sat at a long wooden table, in between Cora and Leif. Amara sat across from her, as did Banner, Rollan, and Elryn. She hadn’t yet touched the food in front of her. The visions had stolen her appetite away, and though the pain had dulled a little, it was still hard to ignore, no matter how hard she tried.
Though it felt like she’d just slept, her eyes didn’t want to stay open. But she couldn’t fall asleep. If she did, she guessed there would be another vision, and she wouldn’t be able to stop it. Maybe if she was awake, she could do something about it.
Cora tapped her foot on the stone floor. “Is everyone ready for their shifts?”
Kirah stared down at the table. She hadn’t thought about that. They would have to split up, and she would be left alone. What if she had another vision? What if someone found her out there like that, and she didn’t know it?
Rollan sighed. “Ready as ever. I’m watching the little guys again today.”
“I’m at the metal door,” Elryn said.
Amara shrugged. “I guess I’m not really doing anything. I’ll try to help, though.”
Kirah opened her mouth to speak, then snapped it shut. She wanted Amara to come with her, to keep her from having a vision- if that was even possible- but she didn’t want to force anything on her. Besides, if she was going to be a seer, there couldn’t always be someone with her. She had to figure it out on her own.
Cora nudged Kirah with her shoulder. “Where are you going to be?”
Kirah thought for a moment. Her shoulders slumped. “Oh, no.”
“What is it?” Cora asked.
Kirah swallowed. “I’m leading the Crescent patrol.” She sighed. “I can’t lead a patrol. What if I have a vision? What if I fall again? I’ll be with a bunch of eight year olds. What if they don’t remember the route?”
Amara smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ll go with you. It’s not like I have something else to do.”
Kirah’s shoulders slumped in relief. It made her feel better to know that she wouldn’t be alone. She also was curious to know if Amara knew more about the prophets and Brimstone. Were there parts of the prophecies that would let her know how to be a seer? So far, that was all she’d been doing- seeing, not actually doing anything at all. If the dragons didn’t kill her, insanity would.
Cora glanced over at Kirah. “Are you sure you should be working? Maybe if we told someone, you could-”
“We can’t tell anyone,” Kirah interrupted. “I’ll be okay. I’ve always been fine before.”
Cora rolled her eyes. “Back then you weren’t having visions with a dragon that set you on fire. I think you can have a day off.”
Amara nodded. “I could take the patrol on my own. Mother used to talk about them, and I think I have the idea.”
Kirah looked down at the table again. “Thanks, but I really need to go. I… I don’t think I should be alone.”
Cora stood and pushed her chair in. “You’re probably right. All I know is I have to walk the hounds, so I’ll be walking inside the hills. Probably won’t see you until tonight.”
“See you later, then,” Banner replied. “Don’t let that big one lay down, or he’ll never get back up.”
Rollan laughed. “You mean Fang? Oh, he’s a real nightmare. Fortunately for us, he’s easily bribed.”
Cora smiled, shaking her head, and walked out of the room. Kirah stood slowly and waited a couple seconds for her head to clear. “Amara, we’d better get going. We don’t want to be late.”
Amara nodded and walked around the table. She hooked an arm around Kirah’s and smiled. “Lead the way, seer.”
They walked out of the room and down the hall. The ceilings, all criss-crossed with wooden boards, looked like they could cave in at any moment, but the undergrounders had all been assured that it was safe. Flickering torches bathed each room in orange light, and as they walked past other members of the society, Kirah could feel them watching her. She grimaced and tilted her head down so they couldn’t see her face through the cloak. Though Kirah had to limp to ease the pain, Amara’s loose grip on her arm helped a little.
When they reached the exit hall, there was a line of kids waiting for them. One of the girls, a seven year old named Lori, jumped up and hugged around Kirah’s neck. She grunted, and if not for Amara catching her, would have fallen. She staggered and took a deep breath. Lori let go, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she had caused any pain. “Kirah! I forgot it was your patrol today, but Xemba told me. He says maybe we could run around in the fields, because there probably won’t be anyone there, and we can play catch!”
Kirah smiled weakly and nodded. “That sounds great, Lori.” She nodded at Amara. “This is Amara Silver. She’s going to help with the patrol today.”
One of the taller boys, Juno, piped up. “Are you sick?”
Kirah tried to push back a frown, hoping her smile didn’t look forced. “No, Juno. But it’ll be good to have Amara along.”
“Does she know how to play catch?” Lori asked. “‘Cause Xemba and I were gonna play it.”
Amara smiled. “I do, actually. That sounds fun.”
Kirah nodded at the kids. “Alright, Amara. That’s Lori, then Juno, Xemba, Benjamin, Kirah, and Elllie.”
“Nice to meet you all,” Amara said. She glanced at the ladder. “How are we going to get you up there?”
Kirah thought for a moment. “Crescent patrol, go on up. Amara, you follow after them. I’ll try to get up on my own, but if I start to fall, maybe you can reach down for me.”“You heard her,” said Xemba, puffing out his chest. The boy always seemed to want to be in charge, though he was a full head shorter than most of the others. “Climb!”
He scrambled up the ladder and pushed the wooden door above him open, shedding daylight in a circle on the stone floor. The other kids clambered up after him. After making sure Kirah could keep her balance, Amara pulled her arm away and climbed up. Kirah took a deep breath, the smell of wet earth mingling with the sharper smell of coyote fur. They often came within the circle of hills, but the undergrounders drew them away now and then with rotting, unused meat. Kirah counted it a blessing that she couldn’t smell that from here.
Lifting one foot to rest on a rung of the ladder, she tested the strength on her arms, attempting to pull herself upward. Her hands smarted where they touched the ladder, but she pushed herself upward, careful not to catch her cloak underneath her feet. Amara reached her hand down, and Kirah caught it, pushing herself up the last few rungs.
She sat on the ground beside the hole for a moment, catching her breath. Climbing shouldn’t be that hard. Couldn’t be that hard. She’d done it all her life, and it had seemed like such a small thing to worry about. But now, even walking was a chore. Determined not to give in, she closed the door, pushed herself to her feet, doing her best to ignore the pain, and trudged forward. “Come on.”
The others fell in line behind her, except for Amara, who ran forward to walk beside her. The forest spread out around them, tall trees with branches starting to spread about halfway up the trunk. Leaves in shades of red, yellow, orange, brown, and green adorned the crowns. It was a familiar sight for Kirah, but impressive all the same.
“It’s beautiful when you’re not running through a storm,” Amara said with a smile. “Last night it was so dark I couldn’t see any of this.”
Kirah nodded. “It’s home. But sometimes I wish I could see more of the world.”
“You might get your wish,” Amara said. “With this seer thing going on, anything can happen.” She looked around for a moment, then pointed southwest. “My home was a few miles that way, but it was mostly open with no trees.”
Kirah cocked her head. “I don’t think I’ve ever been that far. Was Jade hiding you for some reason?”
Amara shrugged. “Kind of, I guess. I’m either the dragonborn or the shifter, so I think she was protecting me.” She made a face. “Not from the underground, I don’t think, but from any attack on the underground. But I’m not sure why there would be any danger there. It’s a secret, isn’t it?”
“As far as we know,” Kirah replied. “There have been a few to leave the underground, but they vowed never to reveal our location. That way humans couldn’t let it slip to any dragons.”
Lori ran ahead of them. “It’s a puppy!” she yelped.
Kirah was about to yell after her, thinking it was a coyote, but Amara laughed. “It’s just Wolf. Not sure how he got outside, though. He must have exited Elryn’s metal door. How he got up the ladder is a mystery.”
The dog trotted towards Lori and sniffed at her, tail wagging. Lori giggled. Kirah shifted her weight from foot to foot. “We’ll walk the north side of the hills. It’s about three miles when we circle around the forest, and we also take a winding path through the center, which adds around a mile.”
Amara tilted her head to the side. “What are the patrols for, anyway?”
Kirah counted on her fingers. “Well, mostly to check inventory. We have supplies hidden in random places around the hills, so that we can get to it if we ever have to escape the underground. It helps get the kids some fresh air. We like to have people outside most days so we can spot anything approaching, particularly dragons. We also lure wild animals away with meat, which is in the bag Benjamin is carrying.”
Amara glanced over at the faded bag Benjamin shouldered. “So you guys take this stuff pretty seriously. I mean, the dragons are all still in Brimstone as far as we know.”
Kirah nodded. “Let’s just say, the underground was supposedly founded by some of the people that went to Brimstone. Most of what we know about the dragons came from them, but only a special few know all the facts. Whatever they know must scare them enough to build a giant underground.”
Lori ran back with Wolf following her. “Okay, I’m ready. Can Wolf come with us?”
“Of course,” Amara replied, stroking her dog’s fur. “He’ll love the walk.”
Kirah started through the gap between two hills, about a quarter mile wide, staring at her feet to avoid tripping or stumbling. There was no set path so that enemies wouldn’t find the supplies along the trail, but Kirah had memorized the Crescent route as well as the others. Of course, that was when her mind wasn’t busy thinking about things that were infinitely more important than silly patrol.
Then again, if the dragons did come to Illura, then the patrols wouldn’t be silly at all. Jade knew that. The whole society knew that. Maybe even the dragons knew it, if they hadn’t been careful enough. While others dismissed the dragons as living in an unreachable land, the underground believed they were a real threat, and that they were making the once impossible possible. If they really did get through the fog, then Kirah had no doubt in her mind that Illura and all humankind was in danger.
Kirah was about to point out their first supply check when the world around her spun. She must have stopped walking, because someone ran into her from behind. Voices around her became muffled, and she put a hand to her head.
“Kirah!” Amara shook her shoulders. “Kirah, snap out of it!”
Kirah blinked. “I’m trying.”
“What’s going on?” Lori yelped, panicked. “What’s wrong?”
Kirah squeezed her eyes shut. “Nothing.”
She couldn’t have another vision. Not now. She would be outside the underground, in front of a bunch of kids. “Kirah? Kirah, are you still here?”
Kirah tried to push back the white edging into her vision. “For now.”
“Can we help?”
Kirah shook her head. “I don’t think so.” She was slipping away. “Take them… Back to the underground. Find Keith.”
In a sudden flash, she was gone.
~
Kirah stood in a stone room that reminded her a lot of the underground. The only difference was, she was trapped behind bars, and manacles hung at her wrists. From the other side, Blackhorn watched her with his piercing eyes.
Welcome back, Sirrah. Kirah flinched. She’d forgotten he didn’t know her real name. Are you ready?
“Ready?” Kirah barked, determined not to show fear. Her thoughts were still scrambled from the startling whiteness that came before the vision. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to understand all this a little bit more before I just tell you everything about me.”Reasonable, Blackhorn replied, tapping his claws on the floor. Ask, and I will answer what I can.
“Good.” Kirah thought for a moment. She hadn’t exactly come up with any questions to ask. “How did I show up in chains? Do you control it? How do you know where I’ll end up?”
He chuckled. So many questions. In short, yes, I am able to somewhat control where you’ll be when you show up in Brimstone. I do not, however, control when, though I am able to sense when you’re ready.
Kirah frowned. “When I’m ready?”
Blackhorn nodded. It’s usually at the moments you’re least resistant- when you don’t expect a “vision” to happen. I don’t understand all the details, but I assume once the vision advances far enough, you are unable to control it. Only certain forces from back at your world can shake you out of it, such as if your mind suspects you are in real danger. After all, we can’t have the seer dying while in a vision.
Kirah nodded thoughtfully. She’d probably thought she was drowning when Cora splashed the bucket of water over her. But could Blackhorn be hiding anything? She didn’t know the right questions to reveal that now, and she wished her friends were here with her. They would come up with the right things to say.
“We’re really in Brimstone,” she breathed, somewhat for Amara’s benefit, if she was really listening. “How many dragons are there?”
I think it’s best that I withhold that information, unless you provide a number for your race. He ruffled his wings. After all, it is clear we are still slow to trust each other.
“Okay.” Kirah lifted her arms, making the chains clank together. “Why the chains?”
To keep you in one place. For one thing, it provides you protection in your world. You won’t be running into something there. He leaned closer. For another, it makes it easier to talk when you aren’t running away.
Kirah watched him warily. “I’m done running from you.”
That’s what you think. Kirah resisted a shiver. I’m sure you’ll find me much more intimidating when I can cause more than temporary pain.
Kirah laughed sharply. “Well, for now, you’re about as stuck as I am, aren’t you?”
A thin wisp of smoke rose from Blackhorn’s maw. You’ll regret all you’ve said once I find you. He took a step back, his eyes drilling into hers. Do you know the whereabouts of the other two chosen?
“Like I’d tell you.”
Blackhorn watched her for so long she worried he might be reading her mind somehow. They’re with you, aren’t they? At least one of them, in any case. He chuckled. I suppose that will make you easier to find.
Kirah hoped she hadn’t really given anything away. He was just bluffing, trying to get her to react. “Do you know anything about the other two chosen? I mean, the dragonborn and the shifter?”
Very little, Blackhorn replied. Shifting could refer to some kind of shapeshifting ability, or perhaps a shifting of reality, but there’s too little information to be sure. As for the dragonborn, we can only assume that it will be a dragon of some form. Which is which, no one is sure. He pointed at her with a claw. You have been the easiest to find, as your mind is split between the two continents, and have come to us.
Kirah didn’t at all like the idea of part of her mind being in Brimstone. She felt physical here as much as she did in Illura. Was a part of her really here when she had the visions? It seemed to be true, though she was slow to trust anything that came from Blackhorn. Dragons couldn’t be trusted.
“How is it that you’re the only one that can see me?” Kirah asked.
I am not the only one that can see you. I am simply the first. There are two others that can perceive where you will come in a vision, and they can see you as clearly as I. He lifted a gem around a chain on his neck. These gems give us the ability, and only three have been found so far. If no dragon holds the crystal, it cannot draw you to it.
Kirah hadn’t noticed the crystal until now. It was as dark as Blackhorns scales, and somewhat rounded, though the tip of the gem came to a sharp point. As she watched it, images floated through the crystal. A female dragon with dappled brown and green wings appeared, holding a spear and guarding what appeared to be a very large door, so large that two dragons could spread their wings and still not touch both sides.
Then the scene shifted to an orange dragon with black scales like freckles over his snout. He was standing over another dragon, laying in front of him with its wings splayed out at an awkward angle. Blood dripped from a wound at its neck. Kirah blinked and looked away, nausea boiling in her stomach.
Ah, so you can see it, Blackhorn muttered. I suspected that there was power in these crystals, but how much, I could never tell. You saw other dragons?
Kirah wasn’t sure how much to tell him, but she nodded. How much harm could it do? “Three. But… One of them might have been dead.”
The third cannot have been one of us, Blackhorn mused. Perhaps Nightfang got too rough with one of the prisoners. Of course…
Kirah wasn’t listening. She was too busy watching the crystal. It showed a girl around her age. She wore a tattered cloak over another that was in even worse condition. Gray sand stretched out around her, and Kirah thought she saw the corners of tents around the edges. The girl stood there, and after a moment, drew a necklace out of the cloak, frowning at it. The image blurred after a moment, perhaps ready to shift back to one of the dragons.
What is it that you see? Blackhorn asked. He must have noticed her watching the crystal.
“The orange dragon,” she blurted out. “It was… It was the same thing.”
Blackhorn raised a brow. You saw something you do not want to reveal. Though I am not able to completely force you to do anything now, remember that once I come to Illura, your days of safety will be short-lived.
“You can’t be on your way now,” Kirah said. “You’re still in Brimstone with me.”
True. We sent scouts to make sure there would be no violence before I go. He spread his wings. You know me as Blackhorn, but dragons know me as King.
“Wait.” Kirah stared at him. “You’re the king of dragons?”
Blackhorn nodded. Yes, but that is a story for another time.
Kirah nodded, a little frustrated. How could he dump that on her and then not let her ask questions about it? “So… Does that mean I’m stuck in Brimstone until I’m in real danger?”
Blackhorn shook his head. I’d assume not, but I suppose it is a possibility.
Something grabbed Kirah’s shoulder and tried to move her to the side, but the chains jerked her back. “Ouch!”
Someone is interfering from your world, Blackhorn said calmly. They may be able to hear you.
“I’m in Brimstone!” Kirah tried. “Chained down! You can’t move me.”
After a moment, the tugging stopped. Kirah let out a breath, and Blackhorn nodded. So they can hear you. Interesting.
“Interesting?” Kirah raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me here for a reason, or do you just want to talk?”
Blackhorn gave her a condescending smile. You won’t understand most of this until later, so I cannot give you too much information. The real fun will begin when I take my leave to Illura.
“I don’t think we share the same definition of ‘fun,’” Kirah growled. She shook her head. “If someone on Illura can hear me, if I think I’m in danger, it will shake me out of the vision.”
Looking to avoid fire for the moment? Blackhorn asked, sounding more than a little amused. I will give you this break before it all begins. Be ready, seer.“Ready for-”
Kirah stopped with a scream as something sharp dug into her arm. Almost immediately it let go, and Kirah sat there with her eyes closed, grimacing. After a moment she looked up to find Amara and Wolf in front of her.
“Sorry about that,” Amara said. “Wolf got a little too excited.”
Kirah refused to look down at her arm. “It’s alright. Blackhorn was getting annoying.” She let out a shaky breath. “I have a lot to tell you.”Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
April 2, 2023 at 2:28 pm #139044This is getting pretty cool!! Love it! 😀
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
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