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Emotions are definitely interesting. You can’t just think all the time, “how would I feel?” because not all people respond the same way as others. So it definitely requires you getting to know your characters…
Oh, and Mary Sue makes a lot more sense now lol.
I, unfortunately, have yet to read much by Brandon Sanderson. I do definitely want to read more of him, because I read The Rithmatist by him recently, and it was really good. I loved the mystery in it, and the worldbuilding. Ashoka is definitely really good; I remember her from watching the series. And yeah, the last airbender did surprisingly well with a lot of their characters.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Girl, this is so good!! I love it!! 😄
I would suggest separating the two POVs into separate chapters (so you’d have 4 chapters at this point), but you do whatever you want, because chapter length isn’t the most important thing when drafting. 😉
Looking forward to the next chapters!! 😀
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Thanks so much!!! I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
Yeah, I figured I’d have to move some stuff around once the drafting was done. But hey, I’ll just surprise myself and magically have double the chapters that way XD
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
@esther-c @janellebelovedpig @keilah-h @thearcaneaxiom @mineralizedwritings @acancello @all those I’ve forgotten lol
Here’s Brycen’s first POV for Chapter 3:
Brycen ducked under a tent flap, moving swiftly and silently. A black cloak followed behind him, the hood up to hide his face. In his hand was a necklace- expensive, with some kind of rare jewel inside. Taking it from the stand a few tents back had been easy, but he knew someone would soon notice that the necklace was gone.
An angry yell confirmed his worry, and he rushed out of the tent, towards the opposite side of the stands. The sun was near the center of the sky- almost midday. Merchants called out to potential customers, or swindled those new to the market. It was an ordinary day in Greyward, with the sun blazing down from above, and the gray sand shifting underneath their feet. The only bright colors came from traveling merchants and the wealthiest of the citizens. Many wore dirty cloaks, though none were as faded and gray as the thieves’.
Brycen hadn’t meant to become a thief. He hadn’t tried to steal for a living, or scrounge for food every day. It had just sort of happened. Three tickets to Greenborough, and his parents and little sister were gone, leaving him with no place to sleep and nothing to eat. Sometimes he took pride in the fact they thought he would survive here the best out of all of them. But other times he wished he could march all the way to Greenborough and yell at them to care. Why would they leave him here alone? They had been fine here when it was all four of them together. Nothing had to change. Still, it had, and he was stuck dealing with the consequences.
Shaking himself out of a daze, he kept running, weaving around and ducking through tents. It seemed that’s all Greyward was- gray sand and an endless sea of tents. Whether it was boring or exciting depended on who you are. While the thieves had the most excitement, they were also always in danger. So few were the laws in Greyward that people could die and there would be no investigation, no burial. The sand made for a poor place to lay the dead.
“Hey!” a voice whispered. “Over here!”
Brycen turned to find Aiden, a fellow thief, peeking out from behind a few rows of barrels. He waved his arms frantically. Glancing back over his shoulder to make sure no one was watching, Brycen clambered over the barrels and found a spot right next to his friend. They crouched there, waiting, while a few angry merchants ran by, yelling insults at whoever would listen. After a moment, Aiden laughed and slapped his knee.
“They’re gone now, buddy,” he said. “Oh, they’re easy to fool.”
Brycen laughed. “Good to see you, Aiden. You’ve got a pretty good spot here.”
Aiden nodded. “I know, right?” He leaned closer. “What did you snag this time to make them so mad?” Brycen held up the necklace, and Aiden gawked at the jewel. “Now that’s a pretty one. Expensive, too, if I had to guess.”
Brycen tucked it into one of the pockets inside his cloak. “Right.” He grinned. “Looks like I’m buying dinner tonight.”
Aiden clapped his hands. “You bet you are! I just saved your skin. The Bored Badger it is.”
Brycen shrugged. The Bored Badger was one of the few wood and brick buildings in Greyward, a tavern somewhere in between cheap and pricey. The necklace should be worth a few meals for the both of them and maybe a new pair of socks. “Alright, but don’t get into fights. I really don’t want to have to save your skin today.” He looked up at the sky. “Well, I might as well get back to it. I bet you anything I can get Tali to pay for that necklace.”
“She’ll sell it immediately, and you know it,” Aiden replied with a laugh. “You really want to get on her good side? Take her with us to the Bored Badger. She might just enjoy it.”
Brycen made a face. “The tavern isn’t exactly a place for a girl. Not the Badger, anyway.”
Aiden raised an eyebrow. “Tali isn’t exactly an ordinary girl. She’s a thief. Swindles for a living. I think she can handle the Bored Badger.”
Brycen waved a hand through the air. “Alright, alright, I’ll ask her. Meet us there just when the clouds start to turn blue.”
Aiden waved as Brycen jumped the barrels. “No meal is better than a free one!”
Pulling the cloak tightly around himself, Brycen stalked across the sand, making his way towards Tali’s favorite place, the bustling center of the town where stealing would go easily unnoticed. Of course, it was always a possibility that another thief could steal what you rightfully stole first, but it was worth the risk. Brycen flexed his fingers. Maybe he could pick up something on his way to Tali. After all, it might be difficult to find her while she was skulking around looking for her next prey. As far as pickpockets went, she was one of the best in Greyward.
Something wet dripped onto his shoulder. He glanced upward to see a cat shaking itself off from the top of one of the tents, precariously balanced yet perfectly calm. No rain. It was rare to get wet weather in Greyward anyway. Right now the sky was red on the verge of dull purple, giving him about a few hours until it was blue. From there it would turn black, and then yellow at sunrise. People said the strange sky was simply a reflection from the strange gray sand, but that was silly. It served only as some kind of clock for him to watch the time, nothing more.
Finally he reached the center of the market. What seemed like thousands of people- though there were likely less than a few hundred- crowded in the circle of tents, listening to persistent merchants rant about their most likely generic items. But being a merchant was an easy way to make money if you were persuasive enough, so those skilled at deception often took the job. In fact, Brycen could think of a few thieves who posed as merchants only to disappear after picking their customers pocket while they were distracted.
“You were looking for me?”
Brycen nearly jumped. He scanned the crowd, knitting his eyebrows. “Um… Hello?”
Someone tapped his shoulder from behind. He whirled around to find Tali standing behind him, hands on her hips. “Brycen. You were looking for someone. Was it me?”
He nodded, flustered. “Yes.”
She smiled. “Well, what did you want?”
He turned so that his cloak would hide his hand from most of the crowd, pulling out the necklace. “How much can we get for this? Aiden and I were headed for the Bored Badger. You want to come tonight?”
Tali thought for a moment, her eyes scanning the crowd. “I don’t think…” She frowned, then shook her head and went back to smiling again. “Yes, I’ll come. Thanks. And I think you can get at least a few meals out of that.”
“And hopefully some new socks,” Brycen added, wiggling his toes inside his boots. “Mine are all holes.”
Tali’s frown came back again. “I stopped buying socks a long while ago. I have to focus on more important things.”
Brycen studied her, glancing down at her boots. They were worn and torn, far worse than his, and her clothes were all ripped, faded, and dusted with sand. Her cloak was thin, and she wore only short trousers that reached down to her knees. Even so, she stood straight and tall, the usual Tali who seemed to defy her circumstances.
“Are you doing okay?” he asked after an uncomfortable moment of silence.
Tali shrugged. “I’ll be alright. I’m just in a little bit of a tight spot.”
“But you’re the best thie-” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “You’re the best thief in Greyward!”
Tali laughed, but her eyes were still on the crowd. “Maybe not the best, but I see your point.” She fidgeted with the hem of her cloak. “I really need to get back to… Get back to work.”
“But you’ll be at the Bored Badger?” Brycen asked hopefully.
She bit her lip and nodded, finally meeting his eyes. “Yes, I’ll be there. I’ll try to be, anyway. If I’m not, don’t wait up for me.”
Brycen shrugged off his cloak. “Take this. You’ll be cold.”
Tali shook her head. “I won’t leave you cold, either.”“I won’t be,” Brycen said. He thought fast. “I’ll… I’m sleeping at Aiden’s hiding spot tonight. It will be warm. Besides, I can always find another cloak, or maybe a blanket.”
Find wasn’t exactly the right word. He’d have to take it from an empty tent, or a merchant’s stand. But it was technically true that he could be sleeping at Aiden’s spot tonight. After all, he would be buying Aiden dinner. His friend probably wouldn’t mind the company.
Tali glared at the cloak, but after a moment, her eyes softened. She reached out slowly and took it from his hands. “Thank you, Brycen. This means a lot.”
He nodded. “If you need anything else, just let me know. We have to stick together.”
She looked up. “Thieves, you mean?”
Brycen smiled. “I meant the two of us, but that too.”
Tali slipped her arms through the sleeves of the cloak, smiling back at him. “I look forward to the Bored Badger.” She shifted from foot to foot, her eyes shifting back towards the crowd. “Maybe it’s best you don’t find me here, though. I’ll come and find you from time to time if I can.”Brycen nodded. “Alright, then. See you at the Badger, Tali.”
She whisked towards the crowd, his cloak flowing out behind her. “Goodbye, Brycen.”
Brycen turned and again walked through the maze of tents. The sounds of the market center faded into the slightly gentler buzz of the surrounding alleys. As he made his way across the sand, a thought made him stop in his tracks. He’d left the necklace in the cloak.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Some parts in chapter two were a bit confusing to me, like the back and forth with the doctors and going to different rooms. And it seemed strange to me that Kirah would tell Keith about what had happened when Jade had told her to keep it a secret. It seemed important that they kept it hidden, but Kirah doesn’t seem too concerned about letting others know the details. Am I missing something? I could be.
Oh, man. I feel like I just absolutely destroyed Kirah in this one. The originally “strong” character at this super weak point in the story… If this goes on her arc will be very, um, interesting. But don’t worry! It gets better! 😃🤣
Poor Kirah! She does seem pretty low. Us writers just love destroying our charries, you know? 🤣
I like the plot twist at the end of chapter three! Keep up the good work!
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Yeah, I haven’t exactly mapped out what the underground actually looks like, so I’ll have to figure that out at some point. I guess I figured that since it was from Amara’s perspective, I would have it to where Kirah knew Keith pretty well, and trusted him, at least for the most part. But yeah, I definitely need to look at that more, because I didn’t really show the whole conversation with Keith (Mostly because I wasn’t sure what questions he would ask to back her into a corner like that). These are the perks of having a first draft XD
Yeah, imagine if our charries figured out that they were being written into these situations? They’d be so mad. But hey, they have to go through a low point to get to a higher point, at least usually, so really they should be thanking us for making their lives more exciting. 🤣🤣
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Ok, so on chapter 2:
Interesting, I don’t think I have any major critiques or anything on this one. As for Nia, I wouldn’t call her a villain, though she is a minor conflict. I don’t think she’s overboard at all, she’s just not a very likeable character currently, so if that’s what you were aiming for, I think you did great! Also, torturing one’s characters is the writers way I think, morbid, but it’s what makes your character human, and gives them growth.
One chapter 3, or part of 3 I guess:
Aww, that’s so cute! Once again, I don’t think I have any critiques or thoughts. The young thief is a pretty common character story, but it’s a really fun one when done right.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Yeah, Nia probably won’t be huge to the whole story, so that’s good.
I know the young thief is common, but I guess I just wanted to try it out for myself, and just see where it went. As far as I’ve planned out (which is very, very little), he doesn’t stay a thief for long, but it kinda follows him in the long run, if that makes sense.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Ok, so I love the young thief trope. 😂 (When it’s done right of course 😉 ) So I think Brycen might end up being one of my favorites. 😁
Yeah, I figured I’d have to move some stuff around once the drafting was done. But hey, I’ll just surprise myself and magically have double the chapters that way XD
Right? XD
I do have one thing to say critique-wise. So, I have seen a few personality differences between the characters, but not much. That’s something super important, especially with POV charries. You have to give each POV character a different voice, even though it’s in third person. It takes lots of practice though and lots of editing and drafting. (I struggle with voice all the time. XD) Since this is your first draft, I’d say it’s something to keep in mind, but not to worry a lot about yet. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Yeah, Brycen’s gonna be pretty cool. Oh man, if I say anything else it will be a massive spoiler, so I’ll just keep my mouth shut XD
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Ok… 😏😁
(Oh, and I added something to my post up there. I don’t know if you missed it.)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Yeah I noticed that lol. Especially Amara and Kirah I feel like are really similar. I think Tali seems similar at first, but she branches off pretty quickly.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
At least you’re aware of it. That’s good. 🙂
It does get easier to write with unique voice though as you keep writing because you get to know your characters more. 😀
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Definitely! I’m a lot better at books where I’ve written the character for a long time, so with these new characters it was somewhat difficult- especially with at least three POVs.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
@kyronthearcanin Whoa!! So I know what a seer is, and I’m pretty sure I know what shifter implies…..but dragonborn?? What does it mean?
(You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.)
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
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