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Hi there fellow KePeefers! I’m sorry I’ve been absent from here a lot; I’m doing college courses and don’t have too much free time at the moment.
But I have some now, and have been using it to work on my latest WIP. It’s called Burnt he Castles (BtC for short), and I was wondering if you guys would look at it and tell me what you think! Here it is:
Rafe Sadonna wants to start a revolution. He might be a member of both the highest government body and the most privileged family in Avora, but he’s probably the only one who both knows and cares about how exactly they became that way. And what he knows makes him mad. And sick. Both mad and sick. The past wars and fights, life-sucking laws, crime, and most other things are the responsibility of the very Sociality that that claims its own existence is for the betterment of everyone else’s. Yeah, right. And Rafe’s own cousin Martos is slated to inherit control of it, as soon as his father (and Rafe’s uncle) dies. Knowing dear cousin Martos, Rafe isn’t about to let that happen. Especially with his newfound ability to mimic any non-living substance (like stone, dead hardwood, or even better, cold hard steel itself).
But something’s amiss with Rafe’s plan. No matter how hard he tries, he just can’t seem to spark any sort of rebellion or hopefulness into much of anyone. Not even his vigilante alter ego, The Silvercloak, has attracted many people looking to help. No one seems to have any hope left. And many of those who do seem to be putting it in a god they call the True God. Rafe doesn’t understand any of that. After all, if He’s so true, why aren’t they free? So Rafe, despite consequences, keeps attempting bigger and wilder plans, beginning to alarm the few friends he has. On top of that, Rafe’s uncle is fading quickly, and Martos, unsurprisingly, is beginning to make the old tyrant look complacent. Martos has a plan in motion, one that doesn’t just directly interfere with Rafe’s acts of rebellion, but any that might come after… permanently. Will Rafe be able to rally enough people before it’s too late? Or is Rafe’s fiery hope simply not enough?
Major questions I have:
– Does the story appeal to you? Would you read this book after reading this synopsis?
– Is it too long or unwieldy? Could I say the same thing in fewer words?
– I”m currently unsure if the apparently fake word Sociality, referring to the aristocratic government Avora has, quite accomplishes the task I’ve put it too. Does it sound like a name for a government like the synopsis has described? Or should I use something else?
– Are you confused by anything?
– Finally, do you think that I summed up what seems to be the theme and central conflict well? It’s supposed to be a disillusionment arc (if you don’t know what that is, you’ll probably find a good description of it on K.M. Weiland’s site helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com), so once he solves his story problem he’s going to be disillusioned by the answer he finds (hence the name), and it will leave a string or two hanging possibly even after the denoument (which I plan to remedy with an epilogue if necessary). In light of this, could I do a better job describing it in the second paragraph?
Thanks guys!
Hi, @lightningmouse! I’m glad you’re back! I’m always glad when a long-gone Kapeefer finds his/her way back here 😀
Sounds interesting! So does Rafe want to start a revolution against the government? Is he a part of the government?
I think I would read it 🙂
You can pronounce it however you want.
[quote quote=61540]Hi, @lightningmouse! I’m glad you’re back! I’m always glad when a long-gone Kapeefer finds his/her way back here 😀 Sounds interesting! So does Rafe want to start a revolution against the government? Is he a part of the government? I think I would read it 🙂[/quote]
Yep, he does and he is! His cousin (who is older than him by some years) accidentally helped him realize the corruption when he arrested Rafe’s parents for treason (or similar; still working that out) when Rafe was young. Rafe has a position in the government because of his relations, but is actually just doing what he’s told by them as a cover.
Cool, thanks!
@lightningmouse Mm-HMM 😀
What genre is it? The title sounds like fantasy, but the synopsis sounds like modern or something…
You can pronounce it however you want.
@lightningmouse I love vigilantes, so it sounds really interesting to me. (I also love the name Rafe, but that is kind of irrelevant.) 🙂
The synopsis is a little long to put on the back of a book, though I have seen some pretty long book-back synopses. I can’t tell you about saying the same thing in fewer words because I have the tendency to use too many words myself, 🙂 but I’m sure it can be done. There were a couple of places I saw could have been worded a little better.
Apparently the spell-check on this forum doesn’t contain the word “sociality” but it is a real word. Merriam-Webster says that its first use was around 1649, and it means social interaction or the tendency to associate in or form social groups. I have heard people – I believe including my mom – use it in talking as well.
I can’t tell whether the person with shapeshifting powers is Rafe or his cousin from the description, so that would need to be a little more clear. (I hope it’s his cousin. I don’t like good shapeshifters as a rule, since they scare me, though Odo from Star Trek DS9 is pretty cool.)
I’m not very good at naming themes, but my feeling was that he was pushing for the right thing the wrong way, and the disillusionment arc makes sense with that. If he gets the thing he wants, but gets it the wrong way, it will leave him dissatisfied, in the way that revenge usually does in stories. If that was what you meant, I think the way you put it in the synopsis works okay. The fact that you are going to “leave strings hanging” is a little confusing, though. If he’s going to be a sort of anti-hero who fights for right, but does it the wrong way, shouldn’t he be redeemed in the end? (I love cliche and need happy endings to survive, sorry.) The fact that you brought up the “True God” the people believe in seems to lead to the idea that he will get “saved” later on.
Altogether, though, it sounds very interesting. 🙂
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
@lightningmouse Hello! Your story sounds super intriguing, and I would read it. I like how you have a twist on the otherwise stereotypical “rebellious royal” and how you gave Rafe a superpower. That said, your synopsis is rather long.
personally, I would use a different word for your government. maybe Imperium from the Latin word for power? The word Opulentia means wealth, riches and might. Or the Greek word Aristos, which means “rule by the best”.
I also am wondering where your story is set. Is it earth set years from now or another planet? Is it a futuristic world or one that is still deep in it’s medieval times? You might want to consider including some of those details in your synopsis.
The Kingdom has been torn asunder...
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