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@Daeus yes, I love it. I obviously know the story, which may or may not mess up my perspective, but it’s strong to me and makes me want to pick it up and read it… lots of questions.
@daeus
Whoops! I was thinking of it as Matthew taking on the character Edwin Brook like Matthew fighting him or something. 🙂 LOL Now that you rewrote it, it does make sense. Nice work. I like the new and improved version. 😉 🙂 😉A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)
In a twist of fate, he is forced to confront everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and a long-concealed truth that will threaten his life.”
There is something not quite right with this. I like the last line about the long-concealed truth, but something doesn’t quite flow right with the sentence as a whole. It feels like it is missing a word or is too long.
And you didn’t change ‘keep thwarting’ into ‘thwart’ but I suppose that is up to you…
BTW, I like your new profile picture.
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
@daeus I really like this third version, but I still have a few battle-moves I like to use. 😛
First off, you say ‘vague shadows surrounding’. Well, my mind inserts the word ‘shrouds’ instead. I don’t know. I just think that word works better there.
Secondly, you say ‘wreak his vengeance’, it just doesn’t seem to fit. I start thinking ‘wreak havoc’, which is distracting. Maybe you could rephrase it to something like ‘Matthew returns to his vengeance,’ or to fulfill his oath of vengeance’.
Lastly,
he is forced to confront everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test,
‘to confront’ in addition to the very shattered don’t work together. Something like ‘he is forced to watch everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and confront a long-concealed truth that will threaten his life.”
☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
I like it. One thing, in here, “Discovering a historic treasure, Mathew returns…” I’m not quite sure what discovering a historic treasure has to do with Matthew returning to wreak vengeance and take on the character of Edwin. Otherwise, it attracts me and I would probably want to read it if I saw this in a book store.
Ok, let’s try this again.
“Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family could bring him through any trial, but his youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into a tangled mess of desperate plots, tragedies, and the vague shrouds surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision. Discovering a historic treasure, Mathew returns ready to fulfill his vengeance and assumes the mysterious character of Edwin Brook. His wealth and power make his success seem certain, but uncanny events keep thwarting his every move. In a twist of fate, he is forced to endure everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and confront a long-hidden truth that will threaten his life.”
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‘No time to say hello, goodbye! I’m late I’m late I’m late!’
I like this one best, especially the last sentence. Not that I don’t like The Count of Monte Cristo (I do 😉 ), but that last sentence makes it sound it’ll be a little less like the said classic. Yours has the same concept, but it makes it sound like it’ll end a bit differently.(As I know it will—but the overall story sounds pretty similar.)
One question though—it’s not clear to me whether Edwin Brook is someone who Matthew makes up, or a real person people know of, who has enormous wealth. I assume it’s the former, but I don’t know. It might not be necessary for me to know that just in the synopsis, though. 😉
Since you asked, also, I think it attracts me a little less just because it sounds so much like The Count. It’s not because that’s a book I don’t like but because, I do like it, and I don’t want to read another story very similar to it.
Going from the synopsis alone then, I wouldn’t just be dying to read this, though I’d be in some way interested and would probably read it.No worries though, because I’m already dying read it, based things I hear from my sources. *mysterious (or else, not so mysterious) grin* Not just the synopsis.
@Daeus whoops, guess I took way too long writing out my post. I wrote that for the third one you posted, not this latest one.
I liked the third one’s last sentence better, with ‘confront’, not ‘endure’. It sounds better, cuz we don’t know he endures it—we just know he’s confronted with it.@emma-flournoy Ok, how about this?
Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family could bring him through any trial, but his youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into a tangled mess of desperate plots, tragedies, and the vague shrouds surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision. Discovering a historic treasure, Mathew returns ready to fulfill his vengeance and assumes the alias and mysterious persona of Edwin Brook. His wealth and power make his success seem certain, but uncanny events keep thwarting his every move. In a twist of fate, he is forced to confront everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and a long-hidden truth that will threaten his life.
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@daeus One quick note, where you say’ discovering a historic treasure, Matthew returns…”
You spelled Matthew with one ‘t’.☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
@Daeus That’s great! One last thing I noticed is this though—the third and fourth sentence both have the same structure. The structure Kate pointed out. So maybe change one of them; I think it’d sound better. You cleared up any confusion though, and I love the last sentence.
@daeus one last suggestion about the final sentence.
he is forced to confront everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and a long-hidden truth that will threaten his life.
I think that there should be a ‘being’ between ‘for’ and ‘shattered’. There needs to be some sort of verb there.
☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
In a twist of fate, he is forced to confront everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and a long-hidden truth that will threaten his life.
This sentence is feeling very clumsy (I can’t tell if it is clumsy, or I’m just not reading it right)
But like @dragon-snapper said. Perhaps “…he is forced to confront as everything he fights for is shattered”? Or like Dragon-Snapper said, “confront everything he fights for being shattered”But other than that, the whole thing is so much better. 🙂 I think I’d be willing to read it. 😀
Currently reading Les Miserables
@daeus Not to attack this too hard.. but do you mind if I try rewording the whole thing a little bit? Just to see if this works.
“Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family is powerful enough to bring him through any trial, but his youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into a tangled mess of desperate plots and tragedies until he gains the wealth and power to make his success seem certain. After years of preparation, Matthew returns to wreak his vengeance as a mysterious man who lives under the name Edwin Brook. Despite his confidence, uncanny events seem to thwart his every move until finally, he is forced to confront the worst. Everything he fights for is shattered. Everything he cherishes is put to the test. And a long-concealed truth arises from the darkness to threaten his very life.”
I don’t know whether or not that appeals to you. The content of the way you had it was great (except I would remove the part about his dying mentor, because it seems to give away too much of the story and it’s not important to the synopsis), but some of the wording could be stronger.YA Fantasy Writer
Obsessive Character Namer
Find me at hisinstrumentblog.wordpress.com@his-instrument No, that’s great actually. I really appreciate the fresh perspective. I’ll work on this a little bit more and then come back.
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