Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › General Writing Discussions › Another SCENE!!!! Any thoughts y’all?
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June 28, 2022 at 9:38 am #111928Anonymous
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I’ve got another one scene the same WIP today! I’m sure I still need to edit this one. Not the best, lol, but here y’all go! @gracie-j. @wilder-w. @godlyfantasy12. @kathleenramm. @starshiness. @koshka. @elishavet-pidyon. @devastate-lasting.
“You monster! My wife is dead because of you!” Leon screamed, wishing the whole world could hear. Isaiah and Yosef, together, held him back.
“This isn’t going to change anything…it’s too late…I’m sorry.”
“Aadelheide could still be alive!”
“I know. Leon, I’m so sorry…”
“Sorry? Sorry? What do you think sorry means anymore! Who do you think you are coming to see us on Christmas of all days!”
Leon’s fists clenched. His breaths heaved. With every breath came a small, burning sting of pain in his chest.
“Do you even know what you’ve done!?”
Riker slowly glanced up.
“I know exactly what I’ve done. Leon,” Riker closed his eyes, “I know exactly what I deserve.” His eyes opened again. “And I know exactly where I’m going when I die.”
Leon spat on the ground right beside Riker’s boots. “And he’ll sure be happy to have you there.”
“Leon, hate me all you want. I don’t blame you. I don’t expect any forgiveness. But I’m sorry.”
“Why don’t you call me by my numbers like all your fellow Nazi’s do!? Go on, Riker, do what you want to do! Be like all your fellow Nazi’s! You already have killed so many others, including my wife, so what’s one more person to you!?”
“Leon, that’s enough.” Isaiah whispered, tone carrying a tinge of warning. Leon pushed his hands away and ignored him. Consciously aware that the entire barrack had become silent and that all eyes were on him; he stepped close to Riker.
Riker took in a deep breath. Closed his eyes again.
“After all you’ve done…Riker, what do you deserve?” Leon whispered, unnaturally soft.
Riker opened his eyes. “…Hell.”
Leon nodded. “And what do you expect from me?”
“Not forgiveness. That’s for certain.”
Leon stepped away. Smiled. “Exactly. My wife is dead because of you. So many others are, too. For all those things, Riker,” Leon stepped close again. His and Riker’s eyes met. “I’d sooner die than forgive you.”
~*~
Riker sank into the snow. His body trembled, but from the cold or his anger, he didn’t know.
Nor did he care that his body was slowly beginning to go numb.
Better to feel nothing than feel it all.
Riker took in a deep breath, heart beating faster than it had in many weeks. Even months.
He knew what hate felt like.
Day in and day out. Through pain and sorrow.
No one in his community appreciated him for who he was.
And even now, his father’s own words came. To haunt him once again. “I wanted a son I could be proud of. A son I could count on. A son I could love. Instead…all I got was you.”
But even still, throughout his whole life, he’d only been taught how to hate one person. And especially now, he finally did.
Fin had been so right when he said Riker hated himself.
Riker covered his face with his hands. Bent over.
And wept.
June 28, 2022 at 9:43 am #111929Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
Y’all, Riker’s my favorite, so this is pulling out my heartstrings right now!!!!! AHHH!!!!! DX DX DX
June 28, 2022 at 12:33 pm #111930Anonymous- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
GAH!!! GIRL STAWP!!! I already love Riker too, and my heart is bleeding for both him and Leon!!! AHHHHH!!!!!
June 28, 2022 at 1:24 pm #111931Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
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@gracie-j. MWAHAHHAHAHAHA NEVER!!!!! (I’m weird. XD XD XD)
I love them both so much TOO! BUT RIKER’S MY FAV!!!!!! (no one would understand why. He’s an SS officer, but read this scene, read the whole book, (once it’s actually finished, lol. XD) and you’ll understand why. *wink wink*)
Love Riker’s backstory too tho. His dad….so, SO horrible. :<
June 28, 2022 at 1:28 pm #111932Anonymous- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
(Nah, I get it. XDD)
(Oh, trust me, I already understand!!!! And I would LOVE to read it once it’s finished!!!)
Augh, he sounds absolutely awful. Poor, precious Riker.
June 28, 2022 at 1:33 pm #111933Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@gracie-j. So…since you’ve basically been introduced to Riker now, lol, how about I share another scene with you with Riker? HERE YOU GO!!!! (love this one too<3) Heartstrings are being pulled out tho. :'<
Riker stumbled outside.
Placed a hand on the wall and righted himself. Breathing heavy, he took in a deep breath.
And a second.
And a third.
“You ran out quicker than I’ve ever seen anyone exit a bar.”
“You can go back inside, sir. I just needed fresh air.” It was a lie. A big one. But lying had been a part of his life for a long time. Not out of want, but out of necessity. It was the only way to stay safe.
Fin crossed his arms, but smiled, ever-so faintly. “Are you sure it’s not more than that?”
Riker leaned his head against the wall. Closed his eyes. Why did Fin have to care so much? “I’m fine. Honest. Don’t worry about me.”
“You don’t enjoy bars. Is there a certain reason why?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not. You’re not fine, Riker. I can tell. A long time ago, when I first saw you, when you were in basic training, anytime someone raised a hand you instinctively ducked. That’s no accident.”
Old habits die hard.
“I’m fine now.”
“You’re not though.”
“I just hate it, okay!?” Riker yelled, opening his eyes and clenching his fists, hard.
His knuckles turned white.
Fin’s arms uncrossed. His smile had long since faded, but Riker saw something he didn’t expect to get in Fin’s eyes.
Compassion.
Riker looked away.
He didn’t deserve that.
After everything he’d done…not in a million years.
“…He was an alcoholic, wasn’t he?”
“…Still is.” Riker replied, quiet.
He was afraid to say it any louder.
But he couldn’t explain why.
“And you hate the smell of alcohol because of it. Riker, you can tell me about these things.”
“They’re not your problem. They’re…mine.”
“Riker,” Fin gripped his shoulders and forced Riker to look at him, “not everyone is going to try to hurt you. There are people that actually care about you, and I’m one of them.”
“You shouldn’t,” Riker pulled Fin’s hands away and pushed himself out of Fin’s grasp, “no one should.”
“Instead, all I got was you.”
“I don’t care what anyone’s told you Riker. You are not a mistake. You’re so much more than an accident. If God didn’t want you here, then you wouldn’t be here.”
He couldn’t believe that. Not after what he’d done.
All the people he’d killed.
All the mistakes he’d made.
When he looked in the mirror, at the scar on his cheek, even at himself as a whole, he saw nothing but a mistake.
And nothing, no one, could ever change that.
“God can change you, Riker.”
Riker gave a low chuckle.
Right.
“If God could change me, it would take a miracle.”
“And God can perform miracles.” Fin countered. Placed a hand on Riker’s shoulder.
Riker pulled away. Gave Fin a small, sad smile.
“Not this miracle.”
AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! RIKER, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 28, 2022 at 1:35 pm #111934Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@gracie-j. I’m glad you understand. XD
You absolutely can! But it is nowhere near finished, lol. XD XD XD
Riker is SO PRECIOUS!!!! Oh, and girl, you don’t even know half of it! DX His dad is the worst father I’ve ever written! :<
June 28, 2022 at 2:38 pm #111940Anonymous- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH MY POOR BABY!!!!! HE IS SO SAD AND SWEET AND BLESS HIS POOR PRECIOUS HEART!!!!!!! *sobs* I loved that.
June 28, 2022 at 3:03 pm #111948Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
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@gracie-j. OHMYGOSH, YESSSS!!!!!! I’M SO HAPPY YOU LOVE HIM!!!!!
Thank you, by the way. 🙂
BUT OH, MY GOODNESS, I’M SO HAPPY SOMEONE ELSE LOVES HIM THIS MUCH!!!!! HE’S SUCH A PRECIOUS BABY AND I WILL PROTECT HIM AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!
He is probably the SWEETEST CHARACTER I’VE EVER CREATED!!!!
That’s why him seeing himself as a mistake and battling with guilt MAKES MY HEART BREAK IN TWO!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *cries and hugs Riker tight* (because he’s totally real. XD)
And writing him is SO EASY!!!! Almost as if he is completely and totally MEANT TO BE! <3 <3 <3 I love MOST of my characters and I absolutely ADORE Leon too, BUT GIRL, RIKER HAS STOLEN MY HEART! <3 (his wife is so sweet too. But sadly, I haven’t written too much with her in it for some reason. :<)
June 28, 2022 at 3:05 pm #111949Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
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@gracie-j. And “Not this miracle”…such a sad line that truly shows his current struggle more than any other line could!!!! DX
June 28, 2022 at 3:07 pm #111950Anonymous- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
AAAHH OF COURSE GIRL!!!!!!!! PLEASE DO PROTECT HIM DON’T YOU DARE HURT MY BOYYYY!!!!
And you’re welcome. 😉
STOP GIRL IMMA CRYYYY!!!!
AH! Yes, I totally know the feeling!!! I have a few *coughs* hundred of those charries myself…don’t get me started… XDD AHHH HE HAS A WIFE??? AUGH I MUST MEET HER!!!!! <333
June 28, 2022 at 3:46 pm #111955Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@gracie-j. I WILLL!!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT LET ANYONE ELSE HURT HIM ANYMORE! HIS DAD DID IT ENOUGH!!!!
I’m gonna cry too. Don’t feel bad. XD
I’m sure I’ll have a scene with her in it before too long for ya! I CAN’T WAIT FOR THAT ACTUALLY!!!
But either way, RIKER IS SUCH A SWEET GUY AND I LOVE HIM WITH MY WHOLE HEART! <3 <3 <3 <3
June 28, 2022 at 4:10 pm #111958Ahhhh my HEART WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HEART 😭
Tremendous job of pulling at my emotions (WRAP THEM AROUND YOUR LITTLE FINGER IS MORE LIKE IT). That line, “Instead all I got was you”, the way you re-emphasize it, show how it continues to haunt Riker is just perfect. I had goosebumps reading that second scene ahhh I need to see moreeee XD
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
June 28, 2022 at 4:25 pm #111959Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
Apparently, I write very emotional scenes. XD
AHH, YESSSSSS….that line DOES continue to haunt Riker. OOH, I GAVE YOU GOOSBUMPS!? (Though that’s not fun being a reader, it gives me, as the writer, some excitement, lol.) He’s my poor, precious, so horribly scarred boy. And I love him so much. <3 If you haven’t learned by now, Riker’s dad was horrid. And girl, you don’t even know HALF OF IT yet! He is so horrible, so horrid, so…honestly EVIL that oh girl, he’s my least favorite character and honestly the first of my character’s I’ve completely and totally hated. AND HE’S NOT EVEN THE ANTAGONIST! A guy named Hans is, but honestly girl, Riker’s dad is even WORSE THAN HE IS!!!
Hans has sons, but though he doesn’t show his love a whole lot, at least he doesn’t verbally and physically abuse them!!!! RIKER’S DAD IS SO EVIL!
Girl, I could angrily rant about Riker’s dad all day. XD
(I think @gracie-j wants more of Riker too, lol. I’m so glad everyone seems to love him! <3 Because I certainly do!!! He’s my fav!)
June 28, 2022 at 4:28 pm #111960Anonymous- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@gracie-j. @starshiness. I wonder if everyone is going to love Riker more than Leon once the Novel’s *finally* finished. XD
I STILL LOVE YOU THOUGH LEON, MY PRECIOUS BABY! <3<3<3<3
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