- This topic has 11 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hey, everyone!
@devastate-lasting @nova21 @joy-caroline @gracie-j @writerlexi1216 @kathleenramm @scripter-of-kingdoms @issawriter7 @mkfairygirl @kayleigh-idea @anyone-elseHi, y’all! so this is the third time I’ve asked for y’all’s opinion on Ice, do this if you’ve got time, I know everyone’s busy with their own stuff.😊
Here are some questions I’ve got, and again, do this if you have time, don’t feel obligated 😊.
1. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like this story?
2. Did you find the message coming in clear?
a. Message was: “If you live selfishly, you end up alone.” And two minor ones that snuck their way in: “Human life is valuable no matter what form it comes in.”(my original idea for what the message would be, but it changed to the main one) and, “you can’t change your past.” or something along those lines, I can’t think of the proper wording. I don’t feel like those relate, but they all wound up in the story together.
3. Is there any way you can think of for me to keep my word count low?
4. Is the process of Jade and Fabian’s recognition of each other realistic?
a. Do you think I could have used less or more foreshadowing for any events?
5. Is there anything you think I should add or is unnecessary?
6. What are your thoughts on Jade, Fabian, and Marian? Would you like to see more of them? (I know this next one can be hard) Is there any one you’d like to see more of especially?
7. Which character is your favorite?
8. Least favorite?
9. Are there any inconsistencies? (Like talk about the phial turning into vial or something else)
10. Is the plot good?
11. Was there too much or too little description anywhere?
12. What scenes stood out to you?
13. Did any scenes seem unnecessary?
14. Was the part in the beginning where Jade’s thinking about what happened helpful or harmful?
15. What do you think is going to happen next?
If there’s anything else you’d like to tell me, please let me know.😊
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I have to post the story in chunks (divided by *** ) so here’s the first one!
Ice
By Dawn Robin (ScoutFinch180)
Jade had never slain a monster before. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t acquainted with killing. He used to take contracts occasionally – but only when he was bored and wanted the extra adrenaline rush. He preferred stealing or lying to keep his mind occupied.
Jade knew, as he skimmed along the surface of an ice-moon in the outer fringes of the galaxy, that this job would suffice to keep him interested. True, it would be more comfortable sipping some flower-wine while conning a supermodel or cracking a safe – but doing such a difficult job was good to keep his mind off things – like the knowledge that the HSI were forcing him to do this to pay off the bionic limb prototypes they had given him.
Jade turned into the jet stream of a distant oxygen-generator so he could go faster. They told him to go after an experiment on a thrid that stole a phial of a rare something or other they wanted him to retrieve. They wanted him to bring back the body of the lizard instead of just the phial. He considered turning the offer down, but that meant he would be stuck as a cripple. And in this case, stealing was not an option. Still, he wished they had allowed him more time before going back to work. He was tired from the past six months.
Jade rolled his shoulders listened to the whirring of the bike’s engine that mingled with the wind hissing through the white peaks he approached. The little dot flickered with proximity on the screen in his visor as he veered left in time to avoid crashing against the foothills. Numbers began to appear beneath the dot, telling him he was three hundred meters away from the crash site.
Jade shut off the engine and the bike coasted in the low gravity, coming to a gentle stop. He dismounted and checked his tracker to ensure it was working before switching on the cloaking device. As he watched the red paint dissolve into the background, he hoped that it would be enough to keep Marian off his tracks. But he still had to be able to find the bike, or he’d have a long and dangerous walk to his ship.
Jade turned his gaze to the range of peaks, searching for the best path. As he eyed the sharp slopes his gaze was drawn to the faint outline of the planet the moon orbited, bisecting the light blue sky where it showed faintly between the clouds. He inhaled deeply and the filter rasped. Even though it would be a while before he needed a change, the noise reminded him to put an extra filter in his pocket as a precaution.
After making sure he had everything he needed, Jade took advantage of the low gravity to leap to a handhold. As he pulled himself up by his metal arm, he thought how the climb was so much easier than if he had attempted it six months ago. The acid-bomb that had dissolved most of his right side and – but that was why he wanted to keep his mind off things – his memories were worth escaping.
Jade rested on the narrow summit, looking at the chemical dump spreading past the horizon – what would his brother say if he saw him now? Forced to go and kill some monster? Would he think that what he was doing was bad? He wrinkled his nose as the sickly-sweet smell of anti-freeze invaded his helmet. This was not a time to reflect, it was time for work.
Jade got to his feet and surveyed the area. More symbols indicated everything from the temperature, the gravitational power of the planet, to the distance of any object he set his eyes on. But all he needed currently was about a dark mass of machinery adjacent to the ocean. He squinted and the screen focused on a run-down generator, its fan paralyzed in old age. Even from so far away, the machine appeared as big as a hyper-ship’s main thruster.
But that was all. Where was the wreck of a spaceship that brought the thrid here? There was no sign it had landed in the generator itself, and with the constant wind, any furrows from scraping the snow would be gone. There was nothing to do but investigate.
Jade slid down the mountainside, the low gravity turning his descent into a smooth glide – until he fell into a snowdrift. Shivering and muttering a masterful string of curses, he reemerged. He dusted some snow off his shoulder, Isn’t the spacesuit supposed to be able to handle these blasted temperatures? While the suit camouflaged to any environment, for all the tokens it must’ve cost it should have been warmer. Maybe the HSI was cutting some corners on his equipment.
Jade crept near the drifts; his eyes fixed on the generator as he darted along. He always hated being so close to the outside of such large machines, it made him feel small – like he had never shaken his childhood, when he stole to get the money needed to feed himself and his brother, always feeling a sense of imminent danger. He shoved the memory aside and thought through what he had to do as he would before pulling a heist or while getting ready to con a mark:
1: Find the thrid. Already doing that.
2: Kill the thrid. A blue lizard-like reptile armored in its own scales – although the HSI provided him with an extremely powerful blaster, a thrid’s hide had higher resistance levels than the strongest metals man had come up with… and as if it wasn’t dangerous enough, it was the size of ten grown men. For good measure he had his lucky pistol at his hip, he knew he never failed a job with that antique.
3: Find the phial. It shouldn’t be too hard… he was the best thief in the galaxy, after all.
4: Drag the thrid over a mountain range and across the plain to his ship. Not so easy, but he could tow it with the bike.
5: Get the tokens the scientists had promised and go somewhere Marian couldn’t find him.
Jade heard a clank and froze. Unseen, his eyes fixed on the generator as an unexpected sight stood at the entrance. He dove among the snowdrifts and tapped the side of his helmet, turning the mirror and suit to white as he peered out of the drift for a second look. He cursed under his breath. The HSI forewarned that he was going after a highly intelligent thrid and to be prepared, but this monstrosity walking on its hind legs and in a spacesuit was not what he anticipated. He growled a sigh. Wasn’t it supposed to be trapped? It was the Human Sciences Institute’s project… of course it would be crazy…
The thrid’s gaze focused on the anti-freeze and it sighed. Jade pressed a button on the side of his blaster, it began to whirr as the energy built up inside it. He only had two shots before he needed another charge. He brought the blaster to his shoulder, he knew he had good aim, but he missed sometimes, and he didn’t want a ton of big blue muscle charging after him. Jade hissed through his teeth, inadvertently making another rasp of the filter.
The thrid startled and looked around, turning towards Jade in time to see him blast a jet of yellow light. The creature gave a noise between a shout and a scream as it ducked away from the blow, its hoarse voice drowning out the noise of the blast as the jet of light grazed its neck.
Jade pulled the trigger and hit the monster in the chest. It staggered and crouched, watching as Jade approached while inserting another charge. It shouted: “Sta!”
Jade nearly dropped the rifle as the thrid’s thick tail knocked his legs out from under him and he fell on his side. The thrid snatched the rifle and ran towards the generator.
Jade swore and darted after it as he drew his pistol. The monster turned around and gave Jade another whack that sent him flying across the terrain and tumbling to a halt. He stumbled to his feet; blinking the stars from his vision as the thrid switched his blaster to stun. Jade tried to back up but felt the lip of the ice over the anti-freeze crunch below his boot, he looked over his shoulder at the blue liquid swirling under him. This is not how I wanted this day to go.
Thinking in the speed of a force-field disintegrating, Jade aimed his pistol and pulled back the slide, a bullet clicking into the chamber. He took in a ragged breath as he willed himself not to miss. But before he could shoot, the thrid shot Jade in the chest with a purple lightning bolt and he careened backwards into the anti-freeze, his pistol flying from his hand.
The filter choked up as Jade’s muscles froze. He held his breath as his bionic limbs recovered and he scrambled for the surface, but the bionics made him sink like a meteor. As Jade’s lungs constricted, he was dimly aware of a hand reaching for him like death as his arms stretched for the fast-fleeing surface. Then everything went dark.
***
We crazy people are the normal ones.
A clank of metal on metal crashed Jade into consciousness. He stared at the dull ceiling, it looked so like the one he stared at on his ship every morning the sound was a mystery. He cringed and waited for the pain in his neck to subside so he could turn his head. The surgeries that mended Jade’s face to a semblance of what it was were able to lessen most of the pain, but the hands responsible were second-rate and his skin was still healing.
When his eyes opened, he saw the monster seated at a workbench, holding Jade’s helmet and scraping some blue junk out of a crevice. Jade reached for his pistol, only to find he was in his underwear.
His heart fluttered, he looked around the room, scanning for any exits, something that may look like what the scientists wanted, or weapons. There were metal walls and floor, their leaden grey scarcely reflecting the light coming from the high windows that mixed with the pale makeshift overheads. But from where Jade lay in an alcove with three mattresses lined up and the windows narrow rectangles near the ceiling, there was no way to see the exits… nor any reachable weaponry. At least from what he could see that wasn’t behind the heater by his feet.
Jade pushed himself upright before his arm buckled. He rolled his crippled limb out from under him with a stifled grunt of pain. His gaze travelled from his solitary ring and pinky finger shriveled with healed acid burns, the purple bruise that extended over much of his side, to where the grey sheets should have draped over his right leg. What was he doing here? Waiting to become the thrid’s dinner? And he would like to know who had taken his bionics as well.
Jade took a better look at the monster, it was now wearing a pair of well-fitting trousers, its broad chest exposed to reveal the muscle that rippled under its scales. He frowned; and examined the hand-like claws as they worked, their length was proportionate to the lizard, strong and thick skinned but obviously dexterous. An anthropomorph? No brainer HSI wanted the body back along with whatever Jade had to steal. This was anything but common.
No use pretending to sleep anymore. Jade cleared his throat and yawned.
The thrid jerked its head up, “Ah, uh, h-ell-o.”
Jade raised an eyebrow, “Good morning?”
The monster looked back at his work, “D-o ya… y-ou feel alright?”
Jade rubbed his eyes. He answered slowly as he propped himself up with his undamaged arm and spoke in his much more polished voice: “Fine, thank you… besides the bruise.” He scanned the room again, “Where are my clothes and the prosthetics?”
The monster glanced to the part of the room Jade couldn’t see; “I… w-anted t-o m-ake sure that ya… y-ou… w-w-eren’t hurt.”
Jade raised an eyebrow, “To make sure I wasn’t hurt?”
The monster nodded, “Yes.” And wiped off a blue smear.
Jade smirked, “Well, judging by how I feel, I’m sure I’m healthy.” He frowned as the thrid narrowed his eyes at the button on the side of the helmet, “What are you doing?”
“Trying ta… t-o fix a glitch.” The thrid pressed the button, and the helmet camouflaged with the back workbench, “Y-our suit was gl-itch-ing wh-en I pu-lled y-ou out of the chem-ical.” The helmet reappeared in a garish pink.
Jade rubbed his face, “Please don’t do anything else.”
The thrid set aside the helmet and smirked, eyeing Jade’s unusually long hair.
Jade shook the ashy-brown waves back, ignoring the derisive glance. “How long was I out?”
“Several hours.” The thrid got to its feet, “I sh-ould check yar vitals.” it took a medical scanner and approached Jade.
While the monster had no aura of malice about it, and Jade recognized the instrument, he could not help shrinking away. The monster squatted beside him and laid a heavy hand on Jade’s present knee, “Settle down, I w-on’t…” it shut its eyes and mouthed the next word before forcing it to its throat, “B-ite. I know I have the face uf… of a thrid.”
Jade looked up at the creature. The eyes as they peered down the long muzzle were large and round, the irises chemical blue and circular pupils instead of the gash-like slits its kind had. He leaned away, the expression in those eyes was a plea. It has to do with his lack of facial muscles.
As Jade stared at lizard, the thrid held up the white stick. “It’s no w-earon… I m-ean, w-ea-pon.”
Jade let it go under his tongue. Speaking around the medical instrument, he said, “Tho, why an I ear?”
The thrid removed the scanner and examined small symbols and colors that arrayed themselves on it, “Gud. B-ut ya are still w-weak… and tell m-e w-hat ya w-want ta kn-ow later.” The monster went out of view and returned with an oversized jacket. “You w-ear this to keep w-arm while ya eat.”
As Jade reached for the garment the thrid touched his wrist, “I don’t think that y-ou can do very w-ell with the zi-pper.”
Jade flinched and tried to rub the coldness that had seeped into him away, “I don’t need it zipped, it’s hot.”
“Oh.” The monster did a weird snarl-like grin, “I gu-ess that it is w-arm.”
Jade sat up, “You are cold-blooded.”
The monster’s face deteriorated into a slight grimace. “I w-ill get y-ou a snack and a drink.”
Jade took the coat and guided his right arm through the sleeve as the monster went away. He had to wonder what the creature was doing here of all places; it wasn’t even the closest landing point from where it had escaped, and the surface was so freezing even humans couldn’t survive without proper clothing. He shook his head, he wasn’t here to think about why.
The monster returned with a food bar and a metal bottle, “Here.”
Jade took the bar and nibbled at the edge, then sniffed the contents of the bottle. Satisfied that neither were poison, he allowed himself to satisfy his hunger, “Where am I?”
“M-y hut.” The monster gestured around the room.
Jade swallowed a sweetened chunk of the bar, “But where is it?”
“You w-ant curdinits – I m-ean, c-oord-inates?”
Jade raised an eyebrow, “You know about those?”
The monster straightened, “Yes.”
Jade pushed his hair behind his ear, “Well, that’s surprising.” He looked at the places he had hit the monster, there was only some light bruising, but other than that, he was uninjured. He frowned, that was the most powerful blaster available… wasn’t it?
The Monster tensed and fingered the bruises, “Your bl-aster w-as weak.”
Jade nodded; I should shoot it in the mouth next time… but why wasn’t I told where a weak spot was?
The thrid pulled up a stool and sat by Jade, “Why did y-ou try to kill me? Are you ge-tt-ing pa-id?”
“In a sense.” Jade sipped his drink. The dynamic of this relationship was obvious, what point was there in lying? “Then why am I here? Information?”
“Yes,” The monster looked down and away, running his hand along his spines, “and n-o…” He opened his mouth, then closed it, frowning at the ground before saying, “I d-on’t kn-ow exactly w-w-hy. Pr’aps – ugh! P-er-haps – ‘cause humans should help each o-ther… and o-ften w-e don’t.”
Jade pushed back his hair, smirking; “But you’re a thrid.”
The monster shrugged and looked down at his hands. “But I do-n’t want pe-ople to die.”
Jade shrugged, “From my experience, humans only help others if they intend to get something from them.” He crossed his arms, “So really, why did you bring me here? As my b—friend, would say: ‘we should try to know as much as we can about our universe’ and that sort of whatnot. He was idealistic.” Too idealistic.
The monster stared at him for a long moment, then got up and muttered, “B-ecause,” he sat by the workbench, taking the helmet in his hands and scrubbing at it, “life is p-recious.”
“Well, suit yourself.” Jade saw his gun’s black handle by where the brush had been, too far to grab from here, and he had no need for self-defense. “So, thrid, since I am your captive, I think I have a right to know what you are going to do to me.”
The monster jerked as if he had touched an open wire. “I… intend ta send y-ou a-w-ay…” the monster looked at Jade, “Wh-at’s your nim – I m-ean – na-me?”
“Why do you need to know?” if there was one thing a con man should never do; it was revealing their identity.
The thrid shrugged, “I d-on’t w-ant you ta… t-o call m-e thrid and I want to call you by y-our na-me. M-akes u-s f-feel less like ani-mals.”
Jade smirked, But you are an animal.
The monster put a hand on his breast in the usual gesture of introduction, “I am Fafian.” He frowned and looked down, “Fa-b-ian.” Fabian gestured towards Jade, “And you-rs?”
Jade sighed, of course, the stupid animal had to have the same name as his brother. But this was a monster with a name, nothing more. “Call me Jake.” I have used it as an alias before. “If you want to know my job, I’m a thief and con-man. I suppose it’s obvious that I do a contract occasionally.” Jade downed the last of the drink and wiped his mouth, “It doesn’t take much brain-power to know that you probably survive for a living…” He looked at the way Fabian’s fingers flexed around the brush, “unless there’s some hobby of yours or something that you do besides that.”
Fabian opened his mouth then closed it, he looked back at his work and scrubbed. “I s-ur-vive… and” he shook his head, “You’re after m-y br-ain?”
Jade laid down, “Attached to your body, preferably.” What was Fabian avoiding? Was it something to do with the chemical? He twisted the bar’s wrapper.
Fabian rubbed the flexible spines along his neck and sighed, “Why a-m I relea-sing you?”
Jade put his arm under his head and studied the ceiling. “You said it already, you have some strong morals for a… whatever you are.” This was beginning to feel like talking to his little brother. A brief pain pricked his heart and he rubbed his sternum. His brother’s presence kept on hovering around him, as if his soul was reluctant to detach itself from Jade like the boy had been in life… at least before he found out what Jade really did. He squeezed his eyes tighter and forced himself to think of the here and now.
Fabian cleared his throat and rubbed his neck again, “You sh-ould begin to get ready now, evening’s cl-osing in. The days here last m-onths, nights even l-onger.” Fabian lifted the metal arm and leg from somewhere out of Jade’s view and laid them on the bed. “Ya can ga… ugh! g-o, h-o-me.”
Jade snatched up his bionic arm and slid his limb into it, the reassuring pressure of the metal as it attached itself to him soothed his tight skin. Jade’s brow furrowed as he moved his arm about: “Why’re you allowing me to leave?”
Fabian looked up, “You are… human. D-on’t you h-ave a life? Even if y-ou are a thief?”
Jade laughed, his voice cold and mirthless, If you can call playing around the galaxy a life, then I have one.
Fabian disappeared behind the metal wall, “Why d-o you laugh?”
Jade pulled on his metal leg, bending the knee and foot joints. “You talk nonsense.”
Fabian reappeared with Jade’s backpack, “D-o I?”
Jade stood, “Well, you talk like everybody’s really good and have happy lives.” Jade grinned to hide a frown, “Sorry for my irreverence, but the universe is just one big joke that’s played on us by the gods.” He smirked, “No matter what we believe or say we are nothing more than a bunch of animals trying to scrape a living while having as good a time of it as we can.” Jade swept a lock of hair out of his face, “Where are my clothes?”
“That’s a sad way to l-ive.” Fabian form vanished behind the heater again before reappearing with the articles that Jade had requested. “You’d rather n-ot know if the-re was m-ore to life than that?”
Jade pursed his lips and shook his head as he pulled on the shirt, “I may look like I’m young, and I am – but…” his carefree expression creased as he pulled up his pants, “Never mind.” Jade forced a smile before fussing with his belt. “I’d rather not talk about it.” It looked like his first destination after this job would be going to a pleasure-station or temple, and an unmentionable amount alcohol somewhere in the mix.
Fabian leaned forward, “But don’t you think that this–”
Jade jerked the collar of his leather jacket so it would lay in its most striking manner, “You did a decent job cleaning up my spacesuit.” He picked it up and examined it, “You’ve been quite busy.”
Fabian shrugged and put Jade’s gun in his pocket, “I… haven’t much to d-o.” his eyes now fixed on Jade unswervingly.
Jade shook back his hair, “It is boring here.” It won’t be for long.
Fabian’s eyes widened as Jade shoved his arms into the suit and zipped up the front. Jade glanced up and frowned. Fabian stuttered: “I-I c-an sh-ow you the w-ay ou-t.” He handed Jade his backpack. “But I won’t give you your g-un till I’m not there.”
Jade slung his backpack on one shoulder, “Where’s the way out?”
Fabian motioned Jade to follow him. They entered the room Fabian had so many times vanished into and approached a door that looked like it was made from a piece of tarp, a golden glow seeping around the edges. Jade paused and glanced around the room; the blaster the scientists had given him was propped up in the farthest corner among a forest of newly cleaned machinery…primarily detectors that looked like they came out of a spaceship, some cabinets, miscellaneous papers, and blank screens among a tangle of wires. Jade chuckled, “You really do clean machinery for a hobby.” What are you looking for?
Fabian didn’t respond and pushed aside the tarp. Jade squeezed past and in one expert motion his hand slipped into Fabian’s pocket and drew out the gun, hiding it in his backpack as he stepped into a fungus garden.
For a moment Jade’s eyes followed the contour of the strange and plant-like shapes as they curved and sharply angled, covering every surface of a room big enough for a whole living complex. He sighed and shook his head, dispelling the languid hovering of thousands of glowing spores. There was no time to admire even the prettiest of spectacles. Anyway, he had gone out to find his brother in the fungus jungles on Olympia so often the sight wasn’t that captivating.
“Y-ou w-ill need these, air’s t-o-xic out there.”
Jade turned to Fabian, whose scales had lost some of their blue pigment, What are you scared of? “Smart living situation you have here.” his gaze caught a skeletal stairway leading to a door with a crank in it. “Are you inside a generator?”
“Yes.” Fabian shrugged and looked down at Jade’s helmet (which had returned to its normal color) and a small oxygen-tank he was holding, “I m-made the hut, it w-as w-armer here than the ship.” Fabian offered the items to Jade, “Y-You need these.”
Jade put on his helmet, the shaded visor darkening the room. He took a breath, “You changed the filter.” Jade squatted in front of his backpack, “I doubt I’ll need that tankard.”
Fabian’s eyes fixed on Jade. “It’s b-blizzarding ou-t there – the ice dust will lower the o-xygen.”
“Fine, I’ll take it.” Jade recieved the small tankard, pretending to rummage in his bag to make room while he jammed a magazine into his pistol.
Fabian opened his mouth and closed it again, he stared at Jade’s hands as they rifled around, “Ja—?” his voice died in his throat.
“I hate to do this Fabian…” Jade leapt away, drew his gun, and pointed it at Fabian’s face, “Where’s the phial?”
Fabian stared at Jade with an expression he understood very well – betrayal and fear, but it was on an unusual scale, “Ph-phial?”
Jade pulled back the slide, “The one you stole?” He almost shook back his hair before realizing that it was pinned down.
Fabian shook his head, “I destroy-ed it! Search m-y h-ouse, I s-wear on the gods that I’m hon-est.”
Jade raised an eyebrow, “I have trouble believing that.”
“But I am!” Fabian stepped forward and Jade backed away, “And if ya sh-oot me, ya w-ill regret it! Th-ere’s m-ore ta this than ya kn-ow!” He looked at Jade’s visor-shielded face, his eyes widened and staring as if he was trying to bore a hole in the helmet. “I… I-I need ya…your help.”
Jade blinked, “What?”
Fabian straightened, “I-I need your help. I’m being hun-ted.”
Jade’s finger caressed the trigger as he mulled over killing Fabian now, or waiting for what he had to say, “Well of course you are. I’m hunting you.”
Fabian gulped and nodded, “Please do-n’t shoot me and hear me out.”
“Why?” Jade shook his head, those wide eyes… He huffed and tightened his grip on the gun, Why can’t I shake that kid!
“Jade.”
Jade froze, “My name’s Jake.”
Fabian opened his mouth, then Jade’s tracker began to beep. He shook the sound out of his ears, why wasn’t the lizard just telling him already! “Look, if I don’t accomplish this mission, I’m dead.” He seethed. The roar of a spaceship landing crashed down on his ears, but he needed no technology to know who it was… Jade snapped, “Get me out of here!” Blast the job, I’d rather be free.
Fabian, instead of attacking or fleeing, hurried up the metal stairs and to the door. He turned the crank and grey light issued into the room. “It’s safe f-or a g-ood three meters out the dur… d-oor.”
Jade hurried into the main interior of the oxygen generator. He turned around as Fabian stood, staring at him. for a brief moment they made eye contact before Fabian slammed the door.
Now that was odd. Jade turned away to see a misshapen hunk of spaceship – Militia property judging by the logo on the side. But why would Fabian have a ship designed for detecting signs of life? A fighter would be faster, and both types were kept in the same place at the facility Fabian had fled. And what was the thrid trying to tell him anyway? How had it known his name?
Jade forced himself to think of the present and set down his backpack. It was no use hiding or running. He looked out at the landscape; a blizzard had turned the scenery a solid white. Fabian had said he had destroyed the phial… and unless this phial was so important to that stupid beast it was worth dying for, then he was telling the truth. But why steal something and then destroy it?
“Drop your weapon!” A feminine figure appeared from behind the ship and Jade fired. She leapt back to dodge the shot and other soldiers emerged, training their guns on Jade. A clear voice demanded, “Don’t fire again Jade, or we will kill you.” Jade held up his hands, smiling at the woman who had spoken. She stepped forward, her albino face in high definition behind her clear visor: “Drop your weapon.”
Jade smiled, “Missed me Marian?” he laid his gun between his feet.
Marian’s nostrils flared as she kicked away his weapon, “You are under arrest.” She took out her handcuffs, “You should know better than to fight.”
Jade smirked, “I never know better.” he kicked her with his metal leg.
Marian flew back twice as far as she would have in any normal gravity level. As she landed, she somersaulted and righted herself in one fluid motion full of her elfin grace, “Bad move.”
He agreed under most circumstances, but it had given him time to dive for his gun and shoot at one of the soldiers. She staggered back as she blasted at Jade, grazing his shoulder with her burning beam of light.
As Jade clenched the wound Marian charged and shot his leg, sparks flew from the blow and electricity swarmed his body, his muscles turned to water and he collapsed. He clenched his teeth as the electricity paralyzed him. Why does she always have to be such a good shot? Not better than me, I could shoot off her head a mile away. But that was the trouble, only if she was a mile away, from his feelings as well as distance. And it was the same for her, she had only stunned him.
A soldier kicked Jade onto his stomach and pressed his foot on his back, poising his blaster centimeters from his head.
Jade looked over his shoulder at Marian’s steely bluish-purple eyes, his body trembling as adrenaline pumped through him and the clenching of his muscles ebbed away… Marian might just let him die even if her feelings rebelled.
“Sta!… I m-ean, st-op!”
Jade turned his head to see Fabian dressed in his spacesuit. What in the name of the gods…?
Fabian flung up his hands, “Don’t shut – uh, sh-oot!” he bowed, “Ladies o’ Artenis… n-o, Arte-m-is. I…” Fabian stopped short as he looked at Jade, “I am-m Fa-b-ian. Y-ou are a-b-out to kill Jake… I m-ean, Jade.”
Jade shook his head; how did Fabian know his name?
Marian’s alert gaze focused on Fabian; her lips parted. What was going on inside her brain? He had always wondered how she might think with her telepathic abilities. But he had no time to wonder. Before anyone recovered from the shock of the thrid Jade located his pistol and hid it under his shoulder.
The thrid raised his eyes to meet Marian’s, he was almost trembling. She whispered, “Who are you?”
Fabian’s face blanched and he looked down, “I… am noduddy, ack! No-b-ody.”
Marian raised her eyebrows, “Then why did you tell me your name?”
“W-ould you b-elieve m-me if I told ya… you the tr-uth?”
Marian lowered her blaster, “I know a liar when I see one.” She gave Jade a pointed glance, “You are only scared.”
Fabian looked up from staring at his boots, his tail absently swishing the snow behind him as he rubbed the back of his neck: “W-hat ab-out J-Jade…”
Marian’s face relaxed, her eyes relaxing from their usual knifelike gaze, she was one of the people who possessed an expression he never understood, but it made him feel too hot… and was one of the reasons he was so attracted to her, “Go on.”
Fabian gulped, “I a-m J-ade’s b-rother.”
Marian frowned, her eyes narrowed, “But the bomb…”
Fabian hugged himself so tightly his arms shook, “M-Marian p-please… I… I… help me.”
Jade’s glove made impressions of the cloth lining onto his palm. He had to stop this ghost in a more permanent fashion.
The pressure on Jade’s back lessened and he bounded to his feet. He swung his arm, hit a nearby soldier with the handle of his gun, and shot at Fabian, roaring, “Don’t lie to me!”
As Jade’s missed shot ricocheted, he bolted for the exit. Marian shouted words his hot ears didn’t bother to translate as he dashed into the outdoors, the roaring wind battering him in a flurry of white wrath.
Jade barely had time to get his bearings when a weight smacked into him and he tumbled in the snow. His arms were forced at his sides as he thrashed against Fabian’s body. Jade glared up into the stolid, scaly, face, his pulse throbbing.
Fabian forced Jade into the snow, “Jade! Sta! Ya ‘ill b-e alright!”
“Don’t take me for a fool!” Jade worked his arm free and shot the visor, shattering it. Fabian immediately loosed his grip and fell back as Jade ran into the fogged distance, his hollow heart throbbing inside his chest.
But as he ran, he began to feel his muscles moving slower and the cold seeping deeper into his form, he forced himself to go on, wrapping his arms about himself and trudging through. The wind knocking him about until he was on his knees. He fell back, too weak to go on as his vision went out of focus…
***
We crazy people are the normal ones.
The next thing Jade knew was his breath coming in gasps. The blizzard had passed, and the stars in the darkening sky blinked at him as if they were shocked. He sat up and watched the unfamiliar peaks turn vivid red in the fading light. He brought his knees up to his chest. How long had he been out?
Jade’s visor glitched to clear, the brightness of the closest star as it sank behind the planet glared into his eyes. He switched on his visor again. He may as well stop for now; he was an easy target wherever he went.
Jade looked down at the gun beside him. His hand shook as he touched it. It could not have been Fabian, as in his brother, that he had killed. It was a monster who had been trying to influence his emotions and maybe Fabian’s ghost… the kid never had a proper burial.
Though it was an old superstition, a dead person’s soul could possess animals, or transform into an animal if the gods took pity on him. Could Fabian have possessed the anthropomorph? But that was superstition. It couldn’t be.
Then the image of the boy flooded Jade’s mind, his small frame half-dissolved… he shook his head. But still, though he had thought it impossible, could it be true? The monster did have Fabian’s mannerisms now that he thought about it, the rubbing of Fabian’s neck and the way in which he asked so many questions. In fact, none had seen Fabian’s body after the attack… and who would want to? Jade swallowed a lump in his throat and pressed his trembling lips together, “It wasn’t him.”
Footsteps crunched behind him.
Jade grabbed his gun and leapt to his feet. It was Marian, her face highlighted by the dramatic blue shadows that grew moment by moment. She stepped nearer. Jade stood and pointed his pistol at her. Marian coolly aimed her blaster back at him. The end of Jade’s gun quivered, and he clutched it with both hands. “Go away – or… a-and I won’t kill you yet.”
Marian shook her head, her eyes locked with Jade’s, “Fabian is in critical condition.”
“Leave me or do you really find me that attractive?”
Marian tightened her lips. “I have my duties – and you yours.”
“I’m bound to no one,” Jade smirked, “not even you.”
“You’re wrong. Your father…”
Jade tightened his grip on the blaster, “I know…” he began to examine the snow about their feet, “no need to talk about it.”
Marian lowered her blaster and put her hand on his shoulder: “Your little brother could be dying, Jade. Don’t you think that it should concern you?”
Jade shrugged off her hand. “Quit tricking me.”
“I’m not trying to trick you. Your father’s dying wish must not go disobeyed. There are laws… curses… and…” she looked down, “I… would rather you not break more than you can help.”
Jade bared his teeth in a smile, “You still like me… that’s why you’re here.”
Marian’s head snapped up and she glared icicles at him, “No.” She stepped back, “I pity you… but still it’s a wonder I don’t let you die – and others are coming, if you let me arrest you, I won’t have to use force.”
Jade tilted his head to the side, sneering, “You just wish you hadn’t ended what was between us.”
Marian clenched her jaw, “I have no regrets.” Her gaze focused on Jade again, “Your brother’s afraid of you. But if you come to him now, you have a chance to”—
Jade swore, “My brother is dead.”
“I am telling you the truth, but you don’t want to hear me.” Marian’s eyes hardened like two laser beams, “What do you want me to say? If you come with me, you will be alive for longer than if you stayed here? You have broken the one promise you tried to keep? That you may have killed the one person I thought you ever loved? That if your mother knew, she’d try to kill you, or buy a curse of the gods? That if your father were still alive, he would disown you for what you did?”
“Stop!”
Marian sighed and opened her mouth.
“Drop your weapon!” a woman’s voice shouted, and Jade looked up. A few of Marian’s soldiers lead by the girl he had hit.
Marian took away Jade’s gun before he could react. He smiled bitterly, “Good move.”
***
We crazy people are the normal ones.
When Jade was escorted through the entry bay on Marian’s ship, he saw him. Fabian lay on the floor with a couple exhausted-looking soldiers preparing to move the body… he’s still connected to the equipment that failed to save him… it must’ve just happened. Jade willed himself to remain calm as he passed, Marian’s grip on his shoulder tightening.
When Jade was at the cell-block and his helmet and suit had been discarded, Marian touched his hand, her thoughts shooting like electricity up his arm, Fabian is…
Before Jade could hear the rest, he was dragged away and pushed into a cell – a tight room he couldn’t lay flat in.
Jade sat against the back wall, looking at the blurry surface of the force-field. He swallowed hard and rested his forehead on his knees – a tremor passed through his body like a wave, and he squeezed his eyes shut.
Gods, why, of all the souls in this sick galaxy, was it my brother? Jade didn’t care much for the gods as they didn’t appear to care much for him, but it seemed like they had given him a second chance, and he ruined it. He sagged as a faint tinge of yellow began to fill the air, perhaps that failure would’ve happened regardless, especially for a man like him who didn’t have complete faith in them and was prone to being what most would call the ‘bad guy’.
Jade sighed and looked at his hands, this catastrophe was just as inevitable as the gas would knock him out – and what was to happen next. His hands curled into fists, it would be much less of a tragedy – who cares for the death of a criminal? His heart began to pound, and the cell felt emptier than ever. They would do what he was too afraid to… take his life before he hurt anyone else.
Jade’s body grew heavy. He laid on his side, recalling how similar it was to the position he had woken in when he first saw his brother after the attack. He clamped a hand over his face and groaned, remembering the boy’s wide eyes and his mouth open in a suffocated scream, the scent of dissolved flesh and the agonizing pain in his own body mirroring what Fabian must’ve felt as… he shook his head, trying to escape the thought. But as the air became an opaque fog of yellow before his eyes, he knew he could never escape. He was the monster that should be killed.
The End
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I hope y’all like it! Thanks for reading!
I just remembered to ask if I did well with showing instead of telling.
Thank you for your input!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1379
I’m totally going to give you my thoughts! I have to eat dinner pretty soon but I will read these and provide you with feedback as soon as I can. I’m excited to read what you’ve written. 🙂
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1379
All right, I just finished reading and am ready to give you feedback!
1. On a scale from 1 to 10, I would say 7. I really enjoyed the story – the emotion comes through wonderfully and you’ve built your world incredibly. However, the action was a bit confusing and at times it seemed there was too much going on at once. It was difficult for me to follow at some points. But that’s the only thing about the story I did not enjoy. You’ve done a superb job with everything else! I love the emotion you created and think maybe you could focus a bit more on that, and narrow down a bit of the action. 🙂
2. I think the messages came through wonderfully, especially “Human life is valuable no matter what form it comes in.” I really saw that in this story. The only thing that didn’t come through as clearly was “you can’t change your past.” I didn’t really understand that part of things, unless you meant something like: “You can’t change your past but you can use it to do better in the present and future.”
3. There were some words you could have cut to make things more concise and keep the word count down. For example, this part:
Jade turned his gaze to the range of peaks, searching for the best path. As he eyed the sharp slopes his gaze was drawn to the faint outline of the planet the moon orbited, bisecting the light blue sky where it showed faintly between the clouds.
Instead, you could say:
Jade searched for the best path. The sharp slopes drew his gaze to the faint outline of the planet the moon orbited, bisecting the azure sky where it showed faintly between the clouds.
You don’t have to say he “gazed” since we’ll assume that he did when he “searched.” I replaced “light blue” with azure. And you don’t need to say both “faint outline” and “faintly” since that’s the same thing. 🙂
4. I thought the recognition was very realistic!
4a. Perhaps more foreshadowing of Jade and Fabian’s meeting?
5. I didn’t notice anything.
6. I would really like to see more of these characters. Especially Marian. She seems like such a fascinating character and we don’t get too much of her in this story. I really want to know more about her past with Jade.
7 and 8. Honestly, I don’t know. I would have to say my least favorite is Marian. Although she’s a fascinating character, there wasn’t really enough to make me either for or against her. That’s why I’d like to know more about her especially. As for favorite character, I don’t know. Jade seemed really hard-hearted at the beginning, but I’m conflicted on him. I do feel really sorry for him because it seems he had a bitter and difficult childhood, and it sounds like he does feel guilty. He just doesn’t know any way to act but one.
9. I didn’t notice any inconsistencies as I was reading.
10. I do really like the plot, but since there’s so much detail going on action-wise, we don’t get to see so much emotion. And from the emotion that was included, I can tell you’re really good at writing emotion! So I’d like to see more of that. Also, more history and backstory would be nice. I understand Jade is the main character, but I feel he’s the only character we get to know a lot of in-depth stuff about. I’d like to see more of that with Fabian and Marian. Otherwise, great job!
11. Too much description of the action. It was a little confusing and tough to keep up with at times.
12. The scene when Jade said “Sorry to do this” and pointed the pistol at Fabian; when Marian joined Jade and Fabian; when Jade faced his guilt in jail.
13. I don’t think so.
14. Helpful, since we got into his head.
15. Maybe Jade escapes from prison somehow? And maybe Marian wants revenge on him? Maybe he changes and tries to do good with his life instead of stealing and lying? Maybe Fabian comes back to life?
Awesome job! I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for asking for my feedback, and I hope you find it helpful! 😀
Thank You! That was super helpful to me!
As I hope to write some sequels (not sure how many), I will be adding more of Jade’s past and answering a lot of the questions you’re presenting! I’m so glad you like it!
Do you have any tips for action scenes? I have more experience with the more emotional scenes, but I struggle describing the fight scenes I see in my head.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1379
No problem, I’m glad I could help.
Hooray! The sequels sound awesome!
I struggle with the action scenes in my story as well. 🙂 One of the tips I’ve found works is to remember that you don’t have to describe everything a character is doing. Like if their foot moves to the right or they take a deep breath, you don’t always have to say that unless it’s absolutely necessary. Ask yourself if it’s necessary first or if the bit of action wouldn’t really change anything. And if you do decide it’s necessary, try not to be redundant on the descriptions. Like, say they take a deep breath once, but don’t keep repeating it, ya know.
Also don’t describe the actions of only one character unless they’re alone in the scene. If the scene involves other characters, describe their actions adequately too (but again, not too much). I feel like when I’m writing action I sometimes focus only on the POV character, but then it seems like they’re alone in the scene. So I’m trying to do better on that.
Thank you for the tip!
Thank you, I’m honestly still deciding on what to do and definitely have to do some worldbuilding in the near future, but sequel(s) are planned.😊
We crazy people are the normal ones.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1379
Sounds great! 👍
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.