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I have a poem which I have been working on for a while now. It was originally the beauty I saw in other people’s pain, in another’s story, that created the picture I have been trying to relate.
However, this poem has given me more grief than nearly any other poem I’ve mused (for instance, this is now the 5th or 6th version). Several lines do not say want I want them to, and others just don’t sound right (like cheap paper or weak brewed coffee).
That said, I am enlisting help from the other Keepers with a spark of a poet. Please give whatever advise you may have.
Stained Glass
Still I watch the moonlight pale
Shadows flicker as He walks past.
Burning tears in silence fall
Mingling with the shattered glass.
All of me in scattered shards
Dreams and wonders, tender plans
Bitter pieces razor sharp
Dully gleaming in my hands.
With skillful fingers He selects
A piece of glass now darkly stained
And edged in silver carefully sets
It in my empty window frame.
Shard by shard He slowly builds
Varied hues where once was clear,
Shaped and cut – my window fills
(Line I can’t figure)
Softly grows the graying morn.
Scarlet light will dancing come,
To touch these panes the Master formed.
Leave the dark – this is the Dawn.
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkHere’s the poem I’ve been struggling with. The first and fourth stanzas irritate me the most. I’ve considered cutting them out completely, but then the picture feels rushed?
I also have no idea who to tag for this anymore (the last thing I submitted for critiques was some time ago) but feel free to tag anyone.
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkI dabble a little in poetry and honestly have no talent for it, but my favourite verses are the two last. Why? Because it feels right somehow. I would help you out more, but I’m afraid I don’t reckonize your style well. I apologize for how little help I can offer.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Shard by shard He slowly builds
Varied hues where once was clear,
Shaped and cut – my window fills
From brokenness to beauty.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)With skillful fingers, it is He who selects
A piece of glass now darkly stained
And edged in silver carefully sets
It in my empty window frame.
Idk if that’s any better.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Burning tears in silence fall
Mingling with the shattered glass.
Still I watch the moonlight pale
As shadows flicker, while He walks past
Idt that’s any better either, but it’s all I really can think of. Your style is very different from mine, but I like it a lot 🙂
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)OH MY GOSH. THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I’m not sure what to call my style, besides being metered and rhymed. I don’t know a whole lot about poetry, besides a few basic rules.
Hmm, thanks for ideas and feedback!
Thank you! It’s one of my best so far.
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkI love the imagery the words create! Your style is very different from mine so I don’t know how helpful I can be, but I’ll try! 🙂
What meter are you using? (I’m not very familiar with meter so I have to ask.)
The rhymes are slant rhymes I think? They’re not exact. But it’s pretty consistent until it gets to the last stanza. I don’t think that “come” and “dawn” follow the same slant style as the other rhymes. The vowels are different. I can’t quite think of how to change it.
But for this stanza, I have a rough idea:
“Shard by shard He slowly builds
Varied hues where once was clear,
Shaped and cut – my window fills”
And softens the moonlight’s gleam ? (Again, I’m not sure I have the meter right, but…)
I hope this helps some! Merry Christmas, by the way! 😀
My style…I’m not really sure where it has come from, except that almost all the poetry I’ve read was written before the 1940’s.
The meter here is roughly 7-8 syllables with a pause of cadence in the middle of each line. The rhythm is One and TWO and Three and FOUR. I hope that helps and isn’t more confusing.
Ah, slant rhyme. I have developed a habit of using it too much (and I’m afraid also do “what should never be done” by using false rhymes) but here it seemed to work well enough.
Come and Dawn? Yeah, those are false rhymes. I need to get that fixed before Longfellow comes storming out of the past to lecture me.
Merry Christmas to you too!
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the Gork@koshka This is really beautiful!
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
(and a month later…😬)
Thank you!
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the Gork
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