An aggravation over Stained Glass

[Koshka]

I have a poem which I have been working on for a while now. It was originally the beauty I saw in other people’s pain, in another’s story, that created the picture I have been trying to relate.

However, this poem has given me more grief than nearly any other poem I’ve mused (for instance, this is now the 5th or 6th version). Several lines do not say want I want them to, and others just don’t sound right (like cheap paper or weak brewed coffee).

That said, I am enlisting help from the other Keepers with a spark of a poet. Please give whatever advise you may have.

Stained Glass

Still I watch the moonlight pale

Shadows flicker as He walks past.

Burning tears in silence fall

Mingling with the shattered glass.

 

All of me in scattered shards

Dreams and wonders, tender plans

Bitter pieces razor sharp

Dully gleaming in my hands.

 

With skillful fingers He selects

A piece of glass now darkly stained

And edged in silver carefully sets

It in my empty window frame.

 

Shard by shard He slowly builds

Varied hues where once was clear,

Shaped and cut – my window fills

(Line I can’t figure)

 

Softly grows the graying morn.

Scarlet light will dancing come,

To touch these panes the Master formed.

Leave the dark – this is the Dawn.

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
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[Koshka]

@overcomer

Here’s the poem I’ve been struggling with. The first and fourth stanzas irritate me the most. I’ve considered cutting them out completely, but then the picture feels rushed?

I also have no idea who to tag for this anymore (the last thing I submitted for critiques was some time ago) but feel free to tag anyone.

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
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[RAE]

@koshka

I dabble a little in poetry and honestly have no talent for it, but my favourite verses are the two last. Why? Because it feels right somehow. I would help you out more, but I’m afraid I don’t reckonize your style well. I apologize for how little help I can offer.

"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 🙂 )

[RAE]

Shard by shard He slowly builds

Varied hues where once was clear,

Shaped and cut – my window fills

From brokenness to beauty.

"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 🙂 )

[RAE]

With skillful fingers, it is He who selects

A piece of glass now darkly stained

And edged in silver carefully sets

It in my empty window frame.

Idk if that’s any better.

"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 🙂 )

[RAE]

Burning tears in silence fall

Mingling with the shattered glass.

Still I watch the moonlight pale

As shadows flicker, while He walks past

Idt that’s any better either, but it’s all I really can think of. Your style is very different from mine, but I like it a lot 🙂

"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 🙂 )

[Sara]

@koshka

OH MY GOSH. THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!

Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

[Koshka]

@rae

I’m not sure what to call my style, besides being metered and rhymed. I don’t know a whole lot about poetry, besides a few basic rules.

Hmm, thanks for ideas and feedback!

@savannah_grace2009

Thank you! It’s one of my best so far.

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
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[Mallory O’Bier]

I love the imagery the words create! Your style is very different from mine so I don’t know how helpful I can be, but I’ll try! 🙂

What meter are you using? (I’m not very familiar with meter so I have to ask.)

The rhymes are slant rhymes I think? They’re not exact. But it’s pretty consistent until it gets to the last stanza. I don’t think that “come” and “dawn” follow the same slant style as the other rhymes. The vowels are different. I can’t quite think of how to change it.

But for this stanza, I have a rough idea:

“Shard by shard He slowly builds

Varied hues where once was clear,

Shaped and cut – my window fills”

And softens the moonlight’s gleam ? (Again, I’m not sure I have the meter right, but…)

I hope this helps some! Merry Christmas, by the way! 😀

 

[Koshka]

@overcomer

My style…I’m not really sure where it has come from, except that almost all the poetry I’ve read was written before the 1940’s.

The meter here is roughly 7-8 syllables with a pause of cadence in the middle of each line. The rhythm is One and TWO and Three and FOUR. I hope that helps and isn’t more confusing.

Ah, slant rhyme. I have developed a habit of using it too much (and I’m afraid also do “what should never be done” by using false rhymes) but here it seemed to work well enough.

Come and Dawn? Yeah, those are false rhymes. I need to get that fixed before Longfellow comes storming out of the past to lecture me.

Merry Christmas to you too!

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
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[hybridlore]

@koshka This is really beautiful!

WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph, Julian, and Sabina from Ellette*

[Koshka]

@hybridlore

(and a month later…😬)

Thank you!

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
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