- This topic has 107 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
1. I really can’t decide between Uma and Rin, but I think I’m leaning more towards Uma. She has this mix of child-like mentality with such a quiet aura.
2. Whenever Rin was talking with Takara. I just really loved those interactions!
3. The fight at the end was confusing. I couldn’t envision it and the way it read felt like both sides were equal in number.
4. I thought the characters were very consistent in their personalities.
5. If I had to guess I’d say either Faith or Trust.
6. It definitely left room for a sequel, but the ending felt a little anti-climatic. There were a few loose ends I would have preferred tied up in this one, but as a reader I could wait for the sequel.
7. I think the world-building was alright. It didn’t feel too far in the future, about as few as fifty years but no more than 100 years at most.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@skredder Thank you! 😀 I’ll see what I can do about that last fight scene and doing more worldbuilding so it seems like it’s farther in the future. What loose ends specifically were you wanting tied up?
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.com@jenwriter17 Yeah, I couldn’t get access to the last three links for some reason. Sure, you could try re-linking them.
"In a mask, was he?"
@jenwriter17 The specific loose ends were what exactly happened to her parents, the experiments Takara wanted to run on Rin, and the relationship between Takara and her parents. Oh, also how well Takara knows Taro.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
1. My favorite character is Jax. *hugs him* He is very headstrong and brave, while still a kind gentleman.
2. My favorite scene would have to be the one near the end when Uma and Rin say they’ll be friends forever…it’s so sweet and you really triggered a lot of emotion. 🙂
3. Hmmm…no specific scenes. Some sentences here and there, but those will be worked with on the second draft, I know.
4. YES. Every decision Rin made was so like her, if you know what I mean. And the rest of them too.
5. Trust/faith was the underlying theme I observed. Rin is beginning to trust in God’s plan for her, even though she may not know what that is yet. She also had to learn to trust Jax and Uma as friends. *shrugs* That’s what I got, anyway. 😉
6. The ending was great! It was satisfying, but still left me begging for more.
7. Honestly, you did such an awesome job with world-building. Just by creating robots, finger-print scanners, and even different-sounding names you managed to make me feel like I was watching the action in another time. Great work!
A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)
@ariel-ashira here we are. i hope it works (*gasps* oh you changed your profile pic 😀 )
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I3WMWDus6-dny3KZO-vPHI-KNqTbPUzd5yUYR2iGLYc/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jeGlitQ4YGIDWcHT4CY0aSZAXpak0LnPmJq8jq6eZNI/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tSrseDLsgcH7yYGypMC735WwouwJZqEkxUjyhs_XrRg/edit?usp=sharing
@skredder Okay, I’ll look over those parts when I edit. Thank you! 🙂
@ingridrd All your answers made me smile! 😀 😀 😀 Thank you for answering them, and yes I’ll try to smooth out the confusing parts when I edit. 😉I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.com@warrenluther04 @seekjustice @ingridrd @skredder @ariel-ashira @sarah-anson @anyone else I missed
I forgot to ask one last thing: do you have any title ideas? I really like one or two word titles, so I don’t really like the one it has now. Any and all ideas would be appreciated 🙂
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.com@jenwriter17 What about the title “Underneath”
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@skredder ooh, I like that *writes it down*
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.com1. Who was your favorite character and why?
Uma. I just loved her innocence combined with her…uh…robotness. I did feel that you could have done heaps more with her than you did, like explaining more about why she was created, what her programming is like, developing her character a bit more. But yeah, she was my favourite.
2. What was your favorite scene/part and why?
Uma and Rin. That’s all. Every scene with Uma and Rin, particularly the bit where Rin cries her heart out and then the ending scene.
3. Were there any parts that you found confusing, unnecessary, or hard to understand?
A few parts, I think either I or one of the other readers pointed them out in the comments though.
4. Were the characters consistent in their personalities?
For the most part yes. I pointed out a few times when Taro seemed a bit off, not necessarily inconsistent to his character, but inconsistent to the kind of character I thought he should be, in his situation, if that makes sense.
5. I’m still learning how to use theme in my books (so I’m not sure if it even existed really in this one 😉 ), but if you had to guess, what would you say the theme was?
I think the other readers were right, there’s a lot about trusting, both in God and in others. However, in the spirit of constructive criticism, I definitely think you could work a little on strengthening and deepening the theme.
6. Did you find the ending satisfying, tying up enough loose ends but leaving space for a sequel?
Hmm…*considers*. I felt it just…ended. In fact, I think that you could continue on with this story, rather than writing a sequel. It didn’t really feel like a natural place to stop. It was kind of rushed. Do you see what I’m saying?
7. How was the world-building, considering it’s set in the future?
The world building is pretty typical of a dystopian world, I think, and I would have loved some more details about it. A little bit of extra “Pop!” I guess, that makes it stand out from every other dystopian ever written. Having said that, I’m not the greatest at worldbuilding, if we’re going to be honest, so I don’t feel like I can say too much.
Unfortunately, I’m terrible at naming things…I don’t have any ideas at this point in time. I’ll let you know if that changes.
INFP Queen of the Kingdom commander of an army of origami cranes and a sabre from Babylon.
@seekjustice thank you for answering! 😀 I actually decided to make this just part 1 of a 2 part book (i think) because I felt the same about the ending. Thanks again for reading! <3
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.comAwesome! And no worries, I really liked it. Thanks for letting me read! (now to finish Skredder’s!)
INFP Queen of the Kingdom commander of an army of origami cranes and a sabre from Babylon.
- My favorite character:
Hm… I like your MC, Rin, but I always go for the anti-hero type, so I’m going to have to say Jax. He’s well written, and has got hints for a few ghosts in his past. Not that Rin doesn’t, but I think I like Jax more because he’s a bit more levelheaded. Rin has spunk, but she jumps to conclusions(not that that’s bad, that’s just her personality) sometimes and being a pretty levelheaded and cautious person, I don’t relate to that very well. I like to have backup plans for my backup plans, if you know what I mean.
I do like Rin’s spunk–a big trope on female MC’s is spunk, and a lot of times it’s not written very well, but you pulled it off well. I think with a bit of editing and refining, it’ll be even better.
- My favorite part:
I’m going to have to say the scene in which Jax, Rin, and Taro are in the Outcast’s hideout together, discussing plans and Missouri. I like how it reveals so many different sides of the characters–what Jax’s home/background is, what Rin’s home is, and Taro’s. And by putting them all together in the scene, you give each character the opportunity to see how the others live and act withing comfortable territory. (Other than Jax.)
The scene could use a little work, but all books can always use more work until they’re published. I would recommend really delving into Jax, Taro, and Rin’s perspective of each other–say, Jax notices a cup in the cupboard, with a smiley face on it. Not thinking anything of it, he grabs it when he gets Rin and himself a drink. Rin immediately corrects him, saying something like, “You can’t use that, it’s Taro’s.” And then puts the cup back.
This would show A.) how Rin cares for the other characters, B.) how much like a family the Outcasts are, and C.) that Rin and Taro have been together for a long time, possibly.
Not saying that you have to use that scene, incorporate things however you like, but that’s just an example of mine.
- Theme:
I like your theme. It has a lot to do with trusting God, and the power of prayer. All in all, I’d say it’s a good theme, put into the story early on and continued throughout the whole, but it does need a bit of work.
Themes, especially those like the one you’ve chosen, are tricky to write, because as an author, you want to fully show the theme intertwining itself with your characters and their lifestyle, but you don’t want to be preachy.
One thing I noticed that seemed a little off was how quickly and how well Rin trusted God to help her. I don’t know about you, but in her situation(locked in a cell by her worst enemy) I’d be a bit more doubtful and a bit more desperate for any kind of help that came my way(Ex: Jax). And while her early trust isn’t bad, it makes Rin’s character arc twist a bit. I don’t know exactly what your intentions are for her character arc, but I would have her struggle to trust God. Make her doubt. Make her wonder how on earth her parents could trust someone that they can’t see. Make her deny that God exists, angry for her parent’s death. Then, as the story progresses, have her slowly come to realize that A.) God is real, B.) He does love her, and C.) that she must trust in Him to make it through her journey.
Make her human. Humans have doubts, and fears, and hopes, and dreams. What is Rin’s dream? What is her greatest fear? Why does she fear this? What makes her real?
- Simplicity:
Simplicity means how easy it is for me to understand you story. All in all, I understood it very well. The settings could use a bit more description, I was lost for a few parts wondering where we were and what was happening. But the characters, themes, and actions were very easy to understand. Good job!
- Setting:
Honestly… I would say this is what was lacking the most in the whole story. There wasn’t really much interaction with the setting, and nothing that really stood out to me except that the prison cells have glass walls. That was about it. I would focus on what your setting is, where it is, and what it’s like.
What are the buildings like? Big, gray, gloomy skyscrapers or tilted, ramshackle apartment buildings leaning against each other precariously? Run-down ghetto areas? Chain link fence? Drone? Trees? Cars? Hovercraft? Tanks? What makes your world unique? How far in the future are we? What is the main mode of transportation in this era? What fuel does it use? How high it the wall seperating the Outcasts and the rest of the city? What is it made of? How is it made? What do people in the city do for a living? How long ago were holograms invented? Do they use solar, gas, or another form of energy? What is “high-tech” to them? Are there robo-police, or still human? What kind of weapons do they use, other than guns?
Explore your world. Look at new inventions, and decide how “new” you want them to be in your world. Decide what is fashionable in your time. What is proper? What are political/social issues at this time?
- Pacing:
The pacing was satisfying and quick, maybe even a little to quick. I wouldn’t recommend ending the book here, I would go on until at least 15 chapters. Ending the book where it’s at makes it seem a bit rushed, and the ending needs a tad more resolution if you really want to pull it off and end here. Other than that, I liked the pacing. It wasn’t dragging down really or skipping to much, but well done.
- Prose:
I like your prose. It’s simplistic, yet reveals a lot of information using understatements and foreshadowing. The dialogue is clean and simple, cutting out any unnecessary speech. You project your story well, and the tone works well for the Dystopian genre you’re writing in.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>*******</p>
All in all, I liked your book. Like all WIPs, it needs some work, but the basis of the story is good and the characters well written. Keep up the great work, and if you have anymore questions or reading, just send me a message! I’d be happy to do it.As for titles… I like Underneath. To really pick a title, I’d have to know a bit more about the plot. But on what you’ve written so far, Underneath is a good title. Another you might consider is Exile of the Outcasts(referring to Moses’ journey to Canaan and the Outcast’s journey to Missouri), or just plain Outcasts.
*vader vibes*
@sarah-anson Wow, thank you for all the advice! 😉 It was really helpful. I agree about the ending; it didn’t turn out the way I wanted to and felt rushed. I’ll work on Rin’s character arc about trusting God as well.
Thank you again! 😀 <3
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.com@jenwriter17 Yes, I changed it! Do you like it? I will read those as soon as I get the chance!
"In a mask, was he?"
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.