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Typos:
Night had decended upon the land, tucking her starry blanket over the sky and misting the fragrant, fresh scent of flowers and wild grass into the air.
Kathleen lay on the thick prairie grass, her bonnet temporarily discarded by her side as she stared up into the gentle folds of midnight sky. Her shoulders burned terribly from hours spent in the wagon, and her position on the ground helped to semi-relieve some of the ache.
A soft rustling of the grass behind her alerted her to someone’s presence, and she angled her head upwards to watch her brother plop down beside her.
“It’s real pretty tonight, isn’t it?” he murmered quietly, his eyes sweeping over the other wagons that seemed to hold the area like a picture frame.
—
Matthew lay on the ground, his hands loosely placed around an arrow that had found its resting place in his ribs. Crimson stained his shirt in a mishapen circle.
Cringe:
Tears ran freely down her face, for she cared not who saw them at that moment. They streaked down her cheeks, dripping off of her chin and tapping the dirt beneath her head.
—
He weakly shook his head. “No. I’m-I’m already sl-slipping. I feel it. I won’t be here much l-longer, and I got-gotta protect you.” He inhaled sharply, and his brows scrunched together in pain. “I w-want you t-o hide under me. Th-they won’t f-find you that w-way, and I can keep my. . . my promise to Pa.”
— (This below is my personal favorite XD)
She walked from the doorway to the yard. From there, she walked over the grass. She moved across the grass yard and to the tree. She leaned against the tree. The bark pressed against her as she crossed her arms.
— (Although the one above has to tie for my favorite cringe-moment with this next one B)
The storg suddenly paused and lifted out its front and back legs, leaving only the one in the center of it’s stomach to hold it’s heavy weight.
Alexander stilled and turned to face Corazón. “It’s preparing to attack; that means it senses something dangerous.”
The kwuri in Corazón’s arms withdrew her head and lifted an ear before curiously turning an eye to her owner.
“I don’t hear anything–” She stopped.
“What? What is it?” Corazón demanded softly.
Zaiya shook her head with an amused smile. “It’s peeing.”
Corazón laughed.
“Ew! It did it’s business on my foot!” Alexander exclaimed, shaking his boot wildly.
— (Y’all wanna know how truly bad this was? This was an opening line!)
Lasagna was a mess to clean up after.
Dina submerged her maroon, rubber-gloved hands into the sink and pulled out a greasy pan, humming a bright, cheery tune as she cleaned away the orangish-red grease from the tomato sauce.
She loved the stuff, but there was just too much grease.
@nanisnook @gracie-j @ribbonash @mkfairygirl @whoeverfeelsdownabouttheirownwritingandneedsapick-me-up XD"It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."
I’m going to hop on this train and provide my own cringey outlining. After 23 chapters of good, detailed stuff, this happens.
Chapter 24:
POV: TBD
Topic: walking… mebbe
And that’s literally it.
If you think you suck, remember someone always sucks more. (My own version of it could always be worse.)
@daisy-torres actually decent stuff for a first draft (I’m guessing?), made me laugh so ty :))I can't think of anything witty at the moment.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@daisy-torres Girl, apart from the typos, those were all so great!!
Oh, so let me see what horribleness I can dig up…there’s so much in here…be back later!
One Hour Later
This is pretty old…the original first chapter of Held Captive…like, original original…but soooo bad, like, I had no idea what pirates talked like, apparently (as in, not like Southerners):
The metal handle on the door jiggled, and Elliot Browne stepped into the room. Elliot was my most trustworthy pirate and like a brother to me. He was extremely intimidating, but after having known him for all my life, I wasn’t the least bit afraid of him. He was tall, towering over all my crew members and just did meet my height. His face was covered by a long brown beard, and he wore his equally long hair back in a braid. His deep blue eyes could pierce into one’s soul, yet always softened at the sight of me.
“Cap’n, found ‘ome coins under lil’ Bill’s piller. Gave the kid ‘n earful. Too bad’s gonna get chopped off purty soon,” Elliot stated, giving me a wicked grin.
I snatched the coins from Elliot’s outstretched hand, and mentally counted them, then added them to my collection. “No matter how much I want to, I’ll let you do the grand honors,” I mumbled, giving Elliot my queue to leave. Though my voice was muffled, I could still make out my perfect English accent. I’d been a pirate all my life, so I had no idea why talking with my mates slang was so abnormal. I shook off my petty worries over my voice and focused on the task at hand.
That should make y’all feel better. XD I know all of y’all can do leagues better than that!
@relia Haha yours made me laugh as well so right back at you XD And thanks!
@gracie-j Okay yours really isn’t that bad though XD Other than the accents, everything was fine!
Okay I found some extra cringey writing last night XD Heeere y’all go, enjoy:
(background: My MC is an assassin and I tried to make her look “cool” XD)
“I’d like a room.” Her voice sliced through the night air as if it were a cold, hardened, bullet.
He nodded, his eyes wide as he opened the laptop on his desk.
He peered up at her, his glasses sliding down to the edge of his nose. “Name?”
Wordlessly, she removed her hand from her suitcase and pressed her palm against the cool surface of the desk, leaning over the table until she was just a short distance from his ear.
“How about we comprise? I keep my name, and you keep”– she drew back and slipped her hand inside a concealed pocket within the waistband of her pants. A folded wad of cash was placed inside his hand, causing his eyes to widen and glance up curiously. –”this.”
(Seriously, why can’t she just give a false name? XD)
(Same chapter:)
His dark gaze found hers through his mask, and a smile curled his plump lips. “Don’t let this mission go to. . . pieces.” He laughed at his own morbid joke and waved his hand at the camera. “Ciao, darling.”
(Same book, next chapter, told from a dude’s perspective, ball in question is a football. A. Football.🙂
He spun on his heels and thrusted the ball towards one of his teammates with a loud battle-cry.
“Heads up, Mike!”
But his warning came too late.
The ball spiraled downwards, hitting the red-headed Mike in the leg. Mike howled out in pain as he fell to the ground, clutching his leg as if that would help fix whatever damage had been done.
There is literally so much more but my battery’s about to die so ttyl XD
"It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."
Also, in one scene I said my MC had a bomb planted in her laptop to make it self destruct if people try to hack it. But in the next scene, she slams it shut. Slams. It. Shut. A laptop with a bomb inside. Anyway just wanted to add that XD byee
"It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."
@daisy-torres @gracie-j @relia
Hey, these are just hilarious. XD Enjoyed reading them. But like each one is good in some way. It makes me realise how anything badly written can be fixed and made beautiful! 🙂
@ribbonash Hahaha that is true! That’s The glorious wonder of editing XD And thankss <33
"It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@daisy-torres @ribbonash Haha, thanks!
@daisy-torres @gracie-j
No problem!
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