A Tale From Two Views

[BlueJay]

Psst @sarah-h Here’s the poem for the third list. Please feel free to critique. (just technically I think I did a terrible job, but….)

One day when I was gregarious,
And we were all being very rampageous,
An indigenous to Australia stood and said,
“I think that we are being loutish,
Or extremely ostentatious.
Perhaps we should be quiet
And become a little bit more lethargic.”
Vacuous silence followed
As we gazed at one another
We pondered on his capricious character.
Was it possible that his words were ambiguous?
His statement was incalculable
He wasn’t being very amicable.
His words must be erroneously
They definitely weren’t symmetrically.
So we all grabbed him tenaciously
He was being very unwieldy
We all became quite breathy
So we gave up and went back to being domestic
To being good and very prolific.
And biennially we have a party
And we have it biannually too,
But we don’t invite anyone who is inanimate.

[Sarah Hoven]

@bluejay That is so creative! And hilarious. 🙂 I like it.

[BlueJay]

@sarah-h Thanks. Maybe I’ll be brave…@daeus can you come and have a look at this poem? What do you think? Any critiques?

[Daeus]

@bluejay Seems like you did a pretty good job with the huge limitations of trying to fit all those words in there. One thing to note is that the lines:
“His words must be erroneously
They definitely weren’t symmetrically”
are not grammatically correct because of their -ly endings.

As far as improvement, because of your limitations, I think your best bet it to try to make it more bouncy. You’ll be able to tell that the syllables are hoping back and forth between being accented and unaccented. It’s technically called meter. You might want to look it up if you aren’t familiar with it, but if you can’t seem to master it, well, I can’t either. But you can pretty much do it by ear even if it might not be 100% perfect.

🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

[BlueJay]

I’m in a state of emergency
My body is alive with electricity
I didn’t volunteer to do this task
I’m a victim wearing a mask.
I am definitely not a librarian
Why should I have to care then?
When I saw what I would have to do,
I gave a yelled of surprise, it’s true.
And when I learn how it worked
An exclamation from me was jerked.
This assignment was imperative
I guess now I’m being subjective.
I have no idea of procedure
I’m not made to be a teacher.
A meteorologist could have told you
That a storm was about to brew.
Frequently lighting flashed before my eyes
And thunder mixed with my cries.
Personally all I wanted was bed
I’d even be content with milk and bread.
Suddenly I gave an exclamatory gasp
An opportunity came that I couldn’t pass.
The ad said hyphenated words were fine
I knew then, this job was mine.
So I boldly picked up my bag and left,
Never to look back at that desk.
My work thereafter was satisfactorily done,
I found rhyming words lots for fun.

@sarah-h Here’s my next poem. 🙂

[Corissa Maiden of Praise]

@BlueJay That. Is. Hilarious! I LOVE IT!!! Considering the list you had to work with, the result was brilliant. You are a genius! 😀

"Courage is action in spite of fear."

[BlueJay]

@corissa-maiden-of-praise Thank you so much. It was very hard but lots of fun too.

@daeus, @kate-flournoy, @emma-flournoy, @overcomer, @winter-rose, @dragon-snapper, @everyone
What do you guys think?

[Snapper]

Hah!! I love it @bluejay Great Job!

☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀

[Sarah Hoven]

@bluejay I concur. You are a genius. I didn’t think it was possible to write a poem with a list like that. That is amazing. *crowns you the queen of vocabulary poetry* May your reign be long and happy, filled with ice cream and poetic ventures. 🙂

[Greta]

@bluejay
That’s great! And those are some tough rhymes you had to work with, there. Awesome job! 😀

[Emma Flournoy]

That is hilarious.

I would say what Daeus said on his post about the first poem—the meter/cadence could use some evening out; though I know with a list of words that must be used, there’s only so much you can do for rhyme and cadence.
And also, ‘a yelled of surprise’ is not grammatically correct. 😉

That’s really funny. 🙂

@BlueJay

[BlueJay]

@emma-flournoy Huh, I hadn’t even realized that it said “yelled of surprise” Whoops. 😛 Which one is your favourite?

[Emma Flournoy]

@BlueJay

I like the second one best. 🙂

[BlueJay]

@emma-flournoy I thought you might. That’s my favourite too. 🙂

[Author]

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