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I have a few short stories that I’ve been wanting to get some feedback on… I’ll start with this one for now. It’s not my best, kinda a literary experiment lol, so I’m all ears for whatever critiques y’all might have 🙃
“His eyes weren’t normal.
Then again, neither was much else about him.
He doubtless looked no different than any other teenage boy. Unruly jet-black hair splayed across his forehead, pointed nose, chapped lips, stubbled chin… Few could tell, past that first glance, how un-average he really was.
It isn’t until you get close, until your eyes are level with his, that you truly see. You see in those dark grey spheres, the foes we have all been acquainted with at some time or another. The heartbreak of rejection, the hopelessness of failure, the pain of isolation, the anxiety to measure up under scrutiny… You see it all in his eyes. You see it all because he sees, and feels, it all inside.
Could it be that is what makes him so abnormal? Not that he feels that which mankind has known since the beginning of time, but that he dares to let it be visible. Instead of parading around as if his life is the epitome of perfection, he dares to lower the mask and reveal his imperfection. What would the world be like if we all did as he? If we let reality be the new façade? If authenticity was the new normal?
I never realized how intriguing one’s own reflection could be.”
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
(pssstt! All those who have been here for a while… who do I tag for this kind of thing?? 🤷🏽♀️😂)
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
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@starshiness. Girl, that’s absolutely BEAUTIFUL! <3<3<3<3
I love it! 😀
Uh…I’ll tag a few Keepers for you! (But I’m fairly new to the forums too. XD)
@gracie-j. @kathleenramm. @devastate-lasting. @power. @wilder-w. @elishavet-pidyon.
@joy-caroline. @godlyfantasy12. @emilysf.
@freedomwriter76 Aw thanks! (Much appreciated XD)
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@starshiness. You’re very welcome! 😀
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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Duuuuuude. That was good. I love it!!!
Most fascinating! You display a very interesting thought.
AND the character it Describes is totally a favorite kind with me.
Good job!
*Looks back over it*
Woa! I just caught the last sentence. Ok, that’s neat.
As for critiques, I would say that the paragraph where you go into authenticity doesn’t quite fit the same flow as the rest of it, which feels more story-like untill you reach that point and it smells slightly like an essay. I may be totally wrong there, particularly because I’m not the most experienced author out there, but that’s just a thought.
Overall, especially considering the last sentence, I really like how you did it. (It makes so much sense now! I don’t know why I didn’t catch it before. 😂)
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
@elishavet-pidyon Hmm I do see what you mean there. Since I finished this piece, I kept getting the feeling that there was *something* not quite right; maybe this is it! Tysm for the feedback!!
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
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