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Hello!
Here is the Short Story I mentioned in the Writer’s Corner. Thank you all so much for being willing to beta read it! I’m excited to hear your thoughts! 🙂
Besides the normal beta reading things to look for, I was wondering if you could give me any ideas for a title? Also, if you notice sentences or parts that could be cut out to make the story shorter and stronger, I would love if you could point it out! I don’t normally write short stories, so it’s been a different sort of challenge!
I also feel like I’m struggling a lot with showing versus telling, so if you have any tips on that as well, it would be great!
The deadline is on Monday of this week. If possible, I would love to get it back by Thursday or Friday, so I can edit it over the weekend.
Hope you enjoy reading it!
Thanks SO much!!
Bella
Here’s the link: (Hopefully this will work! I set it up so that you can comment, so let me know if it doesn’t go through.)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RVrVsviJ08IG2KVQpEzXE4P1-BEMuxe78ZSh-H9HLxY/edit?usp=sharing
@winter-rose @jane-maree @graciegirl @ethryndal
@DelightInLife Onto it! *hops over to check it out*
Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@DelightInLife okay I’ve gone over it. 😀
Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@delightinlife
I read your story and so far, to me it looks good. I don’t have a suggestion for a title because honestly, I didn’t quite know what was going on. You dropped me into another world with fighting and everything…That happened way too quickly. I know this is beta and you’re just starting out, but I’d say, write a little more of the beginning of the story. And I would also remove the line about Josiah and Liam’s friendship lasting a lifetime…Keep it if it fits your style but I personally would delete that bit. Your description is very good. I liked it! Tag me when you get farther and you want people to read it. I can’t wait to see where this ends up.@delightinlife Now I have the unpleasant task of trying to beta read after @jane-maree’s wretched thoroughness. *groans* Jane, remind me to have you beta read my novel when it’s done. 😉 Bella, I’m going to do a little tonight, but I’ll probably finish tomorrow.
PS. I’m the Sarah Baran in the comments. Just so you don’t get freaked out by the name change. 😉
INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/
@Ethryndal Why thank you. I try my best to be thorough. 😛
Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@delightinlife Well, I’m done. 😀
Okay, I was thinking about the whole part with Reuben, and this is my idea (which is probably terrible): What if Reuben wasn’t bullying the squire? What if the kid had done something wrong, and Reuben was reprimanding him? But to Josiah, who missed the first part of the conversation, it looks like the knight is just being mean. He gets angry, does his thing, and they all live happily ever after. *choke* Out of the entire story, that passage had the most problems, and I feel like this might fix some of them.
I dunno. Your call. 🙂
INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/
@delightinlife I just want to add—Thank you for letting me beta read your story! Beta reading is something I don’t get to do very often, but I find that working objectively through someone else’s writing helps me better my own. Handing one’s Precious over to the merciless arms of the editors is never an easy thing, and I appreciate your bravery in this. I think it’s something that all of us, as writers, struggle with: Wanting to better ourselves, but dreading the criticism when it comes. Just remember that the numerous edits a beta readers might make isn’t to bring judgement on how bad one might be, but showing them places in which they can grow and become better writers.
So once again, thanks, and good luck with your writing!
INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/
Thank you so much for your encouragement, as well as taking the time to beta-read my story. I admit it has been hard, but I know that receiving feedback can help strengthen my writing. (That is one area where I really need to grow as a writer :))
Also, thank you so much for the suggestion about the part with Reuben! I really like it actually, so I might see what I can do with that idea!
@cloudy Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment! I’ll consider what you said about that line, and see if I want to remove it.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to read and leave feedback! I hope you have fun this weekend!
@delightinlife If I can be of any help later on, I be here. 🙂
INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/
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@Delightinlife Oooh tense beginning! Sarah and Jane covered a lot, but here are a few things to think about:
To me your descriptions are very general. They weren’t specific to the characters. It was sort of like me trying to describe someone I just met. I would describe a stranger saying something like “She had blue eyes and dark brown hair”. This is distant and not specific. Now if I was trying to describe a close friend, I could add a little more detail and make it personal:
“her eyes are light blue, but stained with a network of dark lines, like a morning sky streaked with storm clouds. I say her hair is black, but she says it’s brown. I suppose that means it’s a color in-between.”.
That may be too much detail (also, I don’t even know if eyes like that exist 😀 ), but I think details are important and bring your setting to life. If you use the right details they can bring out a character’s personality too. You don’t have to be flowery and use words no one understands; all you need to do is picture the little details and what these details say about your character. Comparison is also useful. Adding detail isn’t easy, and it takes time (I’m having a really hard time of it myself), but it helps. Not every detail needs to be used, but a few here and there might liven up the scenery.
In a few places the words could be stronger. Looked could be scanned or peeked. Run could be dashed or scampered.
Also, I don’t think I understood the character’s motivation or their feelings enough, so their actions seemed a bit extreme in places.
I think revealing or expounding on Josiah’s emotions, thoughts, and reactions might improve his POV as well. I fear I didn’t get a very good sense of his personality.
The story was a bit fast, but some specific description, character thoughts, and showing instead of telling might slow it down. There were a few on the nose sections, but I lost my comments on the document. I think some of it was related to the teaching parts. If you want me to point them out I can. 🙂
I think you have a good characteristic moment at the beginning, and I really love the horse and how you managed to add some symbolism through it. I always have a hard time with that. 🙂 And the sword the Dragon dude has, that thing sounds awesome. 🙂
You’ve got this! You are so brave to put this up here in front of all of us!❤👍 Keep working on it!
-Gabby
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