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I know!! Kids crack me up. Aw, thanks. That made my day 🙂
Yes!! You are so welcome!! Aww, good! 😊
#HugRikerSquad
I was looking through my old google drive and just found this…
The first 3 chapters of the first (and unedited (Grammarly says it has 79 errors but I haven’t looked through them (probably 50% of them are names that it thinks are misspelled words)) draft of a WIP I had worked on over the summer of sixth grade (I’m in 10th grade at the moment):
Mallician book 1
Chapter 1
Carmen Wren stood on her bedroom balcony staring at the great white dome that enclosed the world that was her home, Hexadonia. Hexadonia was the perfect city and the dome that loomed above monitored everything from weather to temperature while keeping the wilds out. Founded many years ago by her ancestors the city was made to be the perfect world for their intuitive race and to protect them from the endless wilds beyond. Although Carmen was not so sure the city was a perfect paradise. While the city prospered and the citizens were happy, to Carmen something just didn’t seem right. There was something that was off, a darkness lurking in the shadows, like having only half the pieces of an impossible puzzle. But the thing that bothered her the most in Hexadonia was Mallician Lanshire. Mallician was everything. A great government leader, scientist, and owner of Mallician labs the most successful business in all of Hexadonia. He was beloved by the people for his astounding intelligence and cruel charm. But in Carmen’s eyes, something was wrong with Mallician. There was something that just didn’t seem right about him. Like the fact that he was old but seemed so much older or that he had been elected head council member more times than anyone could count. He seemed to be more than just the creator of most of the city’s greatest tech because the citizens of Hexedonia hung on his every word and believed it with almost all their hearts. It could just be his metal hand or the way he seems to glide across the floor. It might be his qeer smirk or the mechanical hissing that always seems to follow him wherever he goes. But something was wrong with Mallician Lanshire and Carmen knew it, she just didn’t know what it was. As Carmen looked at the great white dome and thought about all these things as she saw her older sister open their door and come into the house. Carmen wanted answers to her questions but no one would give them to her. If she asked something like “What do you think lies beyond the wall?” or “Do you think something is wrong with Mallician?” people would give her a look that just said that they thought she was crazy. She knew this from already asking her sister. And so she stood contemplating her questions listening to the sounds of the city and knowing that she would probably never get the answers she so desperately wanted when her door creaked open. Carmen turned her head away from the wall and the city outside to find her older sister Leia leaning in the doorway. “Staring at the wall again Carmen?” she said with a disappointed tone, “Still contemplating your feelings for the world. I’m gonna tell you what I said last time I saw you staring out there.” Leia continued motioning out the balcony to the city below. “You need to stop being so paranoid and enjoy life. People already think you’re weird. I know it’s been hard since Mom and Dad died but you have to move on. You need to open back up to people and stop sitting secluded in here.” Leia stopped talking and a silence fell over the room at the mention of their parent’s death as both girls tried to hold back tears. Finally, Carmen turned and looked back over the city while a few of the wet tears she could not control rolled down her face and replied, “Leia, after the incident, it has shown me that this city isn’t a perfect paradise and the more I look the more I understand. There is something more. You have to at least somewhat wonder about what is beyond the wall. You have to have realized that there is something wrong with the city. A truth he is hiding. You of all people should understand that something is not quite right.” As Carmen said these things she could see the sadness and worry creep into her sister’s mind. Carmen was sure her sister thought that their parent’s death and her abandonment of most social interaction had driven her mad. But Carmen also knew that her sister hadn’t come up to her room and skipped her after-school Job just to come and say hi. Eventually after yet another silence Leia broke the ice. In a quieter tone she replied, “Carmen you know that you are going to be going to the University Of Hexadonia soon and sense today is the day I register for my next year of classes I was going to bring you to show around the campus after I register.” Of course thought Carmen. The University Of Hexadonia was the main secondary school in Hexadonia because it was free and had many classes to offer. Carmen wasn’t looking forward to going to the school where Mallician’s statues built in honor of his generous donations to the school stared down every student, but not going to the University Of Hexadonia was not an option. Next year when she headed off to the University Of Hexadonia Leia would be going into one of the specialty programs that would determine her career for the rest of her life. Leia told Carmen to hurry up and headed down stairs to pack snacks for the trip. Carmen turned and looked out the balcony at the city before stepping back into her room to close the doors to the balcony. Just before she did close the doors though she took a final look at the wall and knew that she needed to finally learn the truth. Then she grabbed the pocketed black coat that had once belonged to her mother and walked down the stairs of the house. When she got down the stairs and stepped into their ugly tiled kitchen she began filling her coat’s pockets with snack bags that Leia had prepared. “Carmen, you’ve got to move on. Ok?” Leia told carmen as she grabbed a few books to add to her green backpack that sat on the counter which was already bursting at the seams. “I think I am ready to move on.” Carmen told Leia as she finished stuffing her jacket with snacks and adding her favorite journal and pen. “That’s great Carmen.” Leia replied while she tried unsuccessfully to shut her green backpack, “What are you planning to do now that your life won’t be dominated by staring?” Carmen didn’t answer, she just smiled and headed to the front door. When she got there she opened the door for Leia to leave. As Leia walked out the door she saw a smile on Carmens face for the first time since their parents death but instead of being happy that her sister seemed to be moving on she felt a dread that the something her sister planned to do would be worse than just staring out over the city. These thoughts only briefly crossed her mind though as she pushed them away and began to think of her life ahead and what specialty program she would choose when she was called to register for her courses for the next year. The girls walked the long walk through the streets to the the University Of Hexadonia each thinking of what they planned for the future while bright beams of artificial sunlight beamed down from the perfect sky. The temperature was perfect and people were milling about with smiles on their faces. Every so often the girls would cross paths with a mech doing some form of work no right minded citizen would want to do. Even though the city seemed perfect, something deeply troubled Carmen and she knew that she would have to find the answer to what it was for herself. When they finally arrived at the University Of Hexadonia Carmen knew she would not like it. In front of the school stood a giant water fountain and on it stood an oversized statue of Malician. As Carmen and Leia walked by carmen couldn’t shake the feeling that the statue was watching them. As they walked through the halls to the grand conference room where they were to wait until it was Leia’s turn to register, Carmen saw Malician everywhere. There were more statues with cold watchful eyes, posters in the empty classrooms, and equipment with his signature trademark. This place should be called University Of Mallician Carmen thought to herself as they passed yet another statue in his honor. All of the Mallician stuff disgusted her and when they finally got to the grand conference room she sat down in one of the velvet chairs and took out her notebook to doodle in while Leia went off to talk to some friends. There were more kids her age in the room milling about and talking to one another. Carmen wasn’t surprised though. Registration day was also tour day for rising students. You had to sign up to get in a tour and Carmen hadn’t, yet she found herself at the University anyway. As carmen looked at the chatty tour groups letting out in the room she was glad she wasn’t stuck in one of them. What she wasn’t glad for was the fact that the room was starting to get crowded. Carmen didn’t like talking to people or dealing with people for that matter. Unfortunately for her a black haired guy with glasses about Leia’s age sat down beside her. Carmen looked up from her notebook to glare at the guy. “Sooooooo. Are you with the tour groups?” It took Carmen a little bit to realize that the dark haired guy was talking to her. When she looked closer he looked familiar but she was sure she had never seen him before. “Well are you?” He asked, he seemed, at least to Carmen, to want to be there about as much as she did. “Are you gonna answer me?” said the guy sounding kind of annoyed. “U-u-um no. I’m here with my sister for her registration. Why are you here?” The boy looked her directly in the eye and with a queer smirk and said, “Well there’s been a rumor cicling around the community and I was wondering if you’d like to make a bet. You see I’m betting five bucks-,” “I don’t bet” said Carmen turning back to her notebook. Leia had told Carmen to watch out for people like the boy beside her but even still the rumor he mentioned intrigued her. “Suit yourself” said the boy before Carmen could ask him about it as he disappeared into the crowd muttering about how she was missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime.
Chapter 2
Nicolerex was not an ideal tour guide. With his slicked back black hair and pale white skin gained from way too many hours in his very dim lit lab made him seem almost ghostley. It didn’t help that he rarely spoke and when he did it was in an emotionless monotone that would send chills throughout the room. But for Nicolerex being a tour guide meant extra credit, and he needed it to keep his one hundred twenty percent average in all his classes. So this meant he would be stuck walking chatty teens around the University Of Hexadonia. There was also another reason he had become a tour guide. Rumors had been circulating in the University community. From what he had gathered he guessed that sometime around registration time, when the tours let out and all the University student’s were waiting to register, it would begin. The rumors said that Nicolerex’s idol would give a speech, that an amazing opportunity would be opened, and Nicolerex wouldn’t miss it for the world. As he walked the halls telling his tour group about every little detail of the University his thoughts wandered to his idol. Nicolerex had always dreamt of joining his corporation. He had always dreamt of having long conversations with probably the only person who would understand him. Nicolerex’s Idol was everything. Nicolerex was broken from his thoughts by a tap on the shoulder by a girl who wore way too much makeup and hair care products. “Ummmm. You’ve been like, standing there, for like, the last ten minutes.” said the girl before smacking the gum she was chewing in her mouth. Nicolerex paused pondering if he should reply before deciding to just continue the tour as if he hadn’t stopped. “As you can see this is yet another tribute to the great Mallician for his generous donations to this school.” Nicolerex said as they came into a large room connected to many, many hallways. As he looked back at his tour group Nicolerex saw that they all had their heads bowed looking at their electronic devices. He wondered if he should say something to the group about paying attention but decided not to. As Nicolerex rattled on about the school too no one in particular and the group turned yet another corner into yet another hallway with yet another Mallician statue. What was different about this hallway was that another tour group was already there and when the teens from the two tour groups saw each other the hallway erupted into chaos as the teens mushed together into a big loud mass. As Nicolerex stood there wondering if he should try to separate back out the tour groups to continue or just sit there and wait, Khat Faeez walked out of the mass towards him. Great, thought Nicolerex sarcastically. Khat was a brown haired girl with blue eyes that was in some of his classes. Nicolerex dreaded every second he had to spend within the sound of her annoying high pitched voice. To him the biggest problem with Khat was that she just never stopped running her big mouth, and it just happened to be that she was leading the other tour group. “Hello Nic,” said Khat as she walked towards him, “so how’s your tour group Nic?” “My name is Nicolerex.” Nicolerex replied in his monotone voice, “Not Nic.” “My tour group is great,” Kahat continued as if not hearing Nicolerex, “They are so interested in the school. They are so sweet. How about yours Nic? Have you been all monotony the whole time? Did you bore them to death? Were you this quite the whole time? Nah! You love talking about the school. I bet you told them all about Mallician. Did you tell them all about Malician? Why are you looking at your watch?” Khat kept on blabbering while Nicolerex just waited and frequently glanced down at his watch hoping that the tours would end soon and he could leave. Five minutes prior to the end of the tours he interrupted Khats endless babble to tell everyone it was almost time to go and that they needed to get to the grand conference room. After saying these things Nicolerex left his tour group with Khat’s and strode down the halls at a quick pace towards the grand conference room. He came across nowone in the hallways yet for some reason he felt as though he was being watched. When he got there he pushed open the heavy wooden doors and immediately realized something was off. Around the back of the room he noticed that there were some strange people lurking about the back of the room setting up what looked like filming equipment. Nicolerex didn’t find this odd, if anything comforting, as the camera crew seemed to further his suspicions of his idol’s appearance. But the camera crew wasn’t what truly bothered him. What did was a Black haired boy with thick rimmed glasses sitting conversing with a brown haired girl in a black jacket. What bothered Nicolerex about the black haired boy was that he had seen him only once before. It was two years earlier when the school was running a fundraiser. Rumor once again had it that Nicolerex’s Idol would be appearing and so he had to attend. When he got there he found the same odd black haired kid that he had never seen before milling about the event. When Nicolerex got closer he saw that the guy had set himself up at a makeshift booth and asked anyone who passed by if they wanted to make a little wager. Of course the allure of money and risk of gambling drew a crowd around the booth but what interested Nicolerex was what the boy was betting on. “I’ll bet you five bucks he shows up tonight he said to the crowd. He’s a very busy man but he’ll show. But I know that none of you believe me and you may be right in doing so. But if you’re all so sure I’m an idiot then there’s nothing to lose in betting against me.” Nicolerex thought this was strange but what he thought was strange was that the guy seemed so familiar. It was like he had seen him before, just older. Before he could fully ponder the unsettling appearance of the kid Nicolerex’s watch beeped and he realized that he needed to go claim himself a seat for the speeches that started later that night if he was to get the perfect one but before he left he glanced back at the kid in the booth who had a queer sneer on his face as he said to the crowds around him, “And don’t come crying back to me when the house wins, because the house always wins!” and sure enough the house won the night.
Chapter 3
Carmen searched the nearby crowd for the boy who had sat beside her moments earlier but couldn’t find him. The conversation they had had still played back in her head as she wondered what rumor he had been talking about. It worried her to not know everything about a situation. As she searched she realized something was wrong. In the back of the room, she saw a group of figures setting up some type of machinery. She then glanced at the stage in the front of the room where the machinery was pointed and realized that a speaker’s podium had been set up on the stage at the front of the room. Carmen caught glances of a few people staring her way right where the boy had been before turning away and walking into the crowd. Carmen knew that something was wrong but didn’t know what, she knew she was a few puzzle pieces short of a nearly complete picture, and she knew who to ask for answers. Carmen put away her notebook and began heading into the crowd to look for Leia. As she waded through the sea of bodies towards the place she last saw her sister Carmen thought back to her brief conversation with the boy. Something about him seemed familiar yet she couldn’t quite place it. Soon she found herself on the outskirts of the crowd near the entrance to the room. Carmen had ended up on almost the other side of the room from where she had planned to go and now found herself near a set of double doors and a statue of her least favorite person in Hexadonia. As she looked up at the statue of Mallician Lanshire standing near the double doors Carmen found an unexpected piece to her puzzle. She realized why the boy looked familiar. His facial complexion was almost exactly the same as Mallician’s. To Carmen the boy she had met earlier looked almost like a way younger version of the man the statue she was staring at was made for. Besides the boys glasses, black hair, and unmodified limbs and appendages they were exactly the same. In that moment Carmen realized exactly who the boy was. His name was Morgan Lanshire. Morgan Lanshire was Mallician Lanshire’s cousin. To the public Morgan Lanshire was almost a myth. It was a rare day that he was in the public eye, or at least publicly in the public eye because Carmen knew for a fact that he didn’t wear glasses. Carmen also knew that whatever he was doing here it probably heralded Mallician. Morgan lanshire had become known to cryptically appear around an appearance of his cousin though he always seemed to try to play incognito. Carmen wondered if she should just leave then without a trace but then decided that she would have to tell Leia that she was going to leave orelse her sister would get worried. So Carmen plunged back into the crowd towards her sister but stopped as she realized that Leia could already know about Mallician and used the ‘bring you to show around the campus after I register’ as a cover to trick her into coming but based on Morgan was betting on her believing that Mallician wouldn’t be there it seemed more likely that it was a surprise Mallician appearance to Carmen. Continuing to race to Leia was not easy since the crowd was so thick with bodies but eventually Carmen reached her sister. When Carmen arrived at her planned destination Leia was talking to a group of her friends but Leia stopped when she saw Carmen. “Carmen, why are you over here?” Leia said in an annoyed tone, “Can’t you see I’m hanging out with my friends.” “I-I-I need to go home,” replied carmen out of breath. “And that is because why?” Leia asked Carmen, but before Carmen could reply a hush fell over the room and all of the eyes in the room turned to the stage as they parted just enough to show a small skinny white haired old man. A mechanical hissing could be heard throughout the room as the man got up from his chair and glided over to the speaker’s podium. Then he stepped up onto the podium and tapped the microphone with his mechanical hand to test that it was working and the room exploded in applause as Carmen groaned. And then Mallician began to speak, “Now that you have acknowledged your inferiority I would like you to kindly shut up and listen to the smartest one here, me. You all don’t like to accept it but your lives are worthless. They are worthless pieces of junk, like arsenic. All it ever does is makes things die. But I, am about to give you the opportunity of a lifetime, something to make your pitiful existence worthful again. I have already made a selection of thirteen protegees of the greatest of you insignificant souls to learn from my vast wealth of knowledge. They will be made great, or die trying. So after this lovely event is over, I will be contacting the chosen ones, in the next few days. It will be mandatory to accept my program, but why would you want to decline, and goodbye insignificant minds. Remember, without knowledge you are nothing.” As Mallician ended his speech the crowd gave him a standing ovation and when they took their seats he was gone. The crowd buzzed around Carmen all asking one question, “Who would be chosen as Mallician’s protegees?” Carmen didn’t care about who the protegees were as long as her sister wasn’t one of them. As Leia went back to talking to her friends Carmen walked back through the crowd to find an empty seat. As she passed the large double doors and considered whether to leave or not Carmen saw Morgan Lanshire still wearing his disguise cornered by a group of bigger university students near the exit. “I won the bet fair and square.” he told them, “Mallician was here just like I told you. It’s just as I told you. I said the house would win but you all just didn’t believe me. Thought I was an idiot. But-” “Just stop blabbering and hand over the cash kid.”said the oldest one in the group surrounding Morgan. “Dude you don’t wanna make this go sour. Just let me go on my way and no, ‘Unfortunate accidents,’ are gonna happen here.” replied Morgan, saying ‘Unfortunate accidents’ in a mock Mallician tone. “I don’t know who you think you are kid but you’re about to meet my fist,” said one of the chunkier kids. “‘Kindly shut up and listen to the winning one here,’” replied Morgan, doing another spot on Mallician impression, “‘That would be me of course,’ and with that he started doing air punches at the bigger kids. “Nighty Night!” the third kid surrounding him said before aiming a punch strait for his face. Morgan sidestepped him, grabbed his fist and flinging him into the ground, then Morgan shoved his foot down on the kids face while holding something triumphantly in the air that Carmen realized to be the kid’s wallet. “Who’s next?!” said Morgan just before the two other boys threw him more punches. Morgan ducked below their fists and swiped the two boys’ wallets out from their pockets before kicking their legs out from under them. Then he stepped up to the two boys he just knocked onto the floor and said, “‘goodbye insignificant minds,’ before bashing their heads with their wallets and sending them into darkness. “Thank you! Thank you!” he said as he bowed toward Carmen. Then Morgan threw her a business card before leaving through the double doors. Carmen gave the business card for ‘The House, a toll free number for gamblers to gamble,’ a glance before slipping it into her jacket pocket. Something seemed off about Morgan Lanshire, Carmen just didn’t know what.
You know what, that was really fun to read! And now I’m curious what happens.
By the way, that was fantastic writing for a 6th grader.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
I loved reading your old writing! You had a great story idea! Maybe one day you could try to re write it. 😊
Thats awesome writing for a 6th grader!! I really enjoyed reading it!
#HugRikerSquad
I loved reading your old writing! You had a great story idea! Maybe one day you could try to re write it. 😊
I’ve definitely thought about it! There’s actually a book that I tried writing when I was 10, I think. (I deleted it! 😭) It was pretty much about this girl who is absolutely perfect. But she really isn’t and she has an ignorant father. Obviously her mother died and her father marries a really nice woman.
I did so much telling instead of showing! The whole first paragraph was, like, all telling! 😅 But someday I may try to actually make it into something worthwhile. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
I’ve definitely thought about it! There’s actually a book that I tried writing when I was 10, I think. (I deleted it! 😭) It was pretty much about this girl who is absolutely perfect. But she really isn’t and she has an ignorant father. Obviously her mother died and her father marries a really nice woman.
Oh no! Yeah, I’ve deleted some of my work from when I was younger, that I wish I hadn’t 😩. That’s sounds like such a cute story!!
I did so much telling instead of showing! The whole first paragraph was, like, all telling! 😅 But someday I may try to actually make it into something worthwhile. 🙂
Yeagh, lol 😂. It is hard to show instead of tell though. I’ve noticed that in my writing, I tell more than show. I’m gonna have to work on that. Yeah! If you do, and share it in KP, make sure you tag me😊!
#HugRikerSquad
@everyone
I forgot, I wrote a play when I was nine or so that has long since been
destroyedlost. It was very suspenseful, mostly because the princess lost her crown and the queen’s servant was rude to her, or something like that. And don’t ask me why the two cowgirls show up in the princess’s throne room . . .*hides in embarrassment*
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher BlakewellThat was actually really good for 6th grade!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Lol 😂 that little comic thingy
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
🤣😂 I actually posted that comic a few weeks ago on here but it didn’t work the first time. Guess it decided that now was the right time to work. If you want to see the rest, it’s on here somewhere. I think it’s on seven and eight.
@theloonyone @lightoverdarkness6 @freedomwriter76 @gwyndalf-the-wise @folith-feolin @otherworldlyhistorian @esther-c @loopylin @whalekeeper @oreille21 @felicity @godlyfantasy12
Anyone want to read some old writing? XD
I started writing like last july I believe, so by old I don’t mean ancient 😂 That being said, the story was a lot different… Tauren had a new disease that would cause him to go blind in one eye, and his only escape from quarantine was leaving the bunker. And the series used to be called ‘pigeon keeper’ because Tauren was an apprentice pigeon keeper for the mines. Pigeons were used to test new mines for safety (like canaries back then) But yeah he started to befriend them (big no-no because could die anytime, but he just loves them too much) So yeah if it seems different, it was. Tell me what you guys think, I do miss aspects of the old plot sometimes. It had a more dystopian feel which is nice at times (I like series that are really different from our world, almost to the point they feel surreal) and the pigeons were a little token of the birdwatcher in me XD idk, tell me if any of the ideas are worth keeping in the current story?
Also, might as well have some old art with this. This is the first drawing I ever did of Tauren. I wanted him to have a travel story, just a boy with his pigeon and guitar, traveling the dystopian ruins to find purpose. I feel conflicted about it, because I decided to give the travel section to Layson. Same idea, but Layson isn’t quite as lovable as Tauren imo… Tauren just has that charm 😉
idk what to do, because I still love the general feel of the old story, but the plot was not developed enough. Idk what it is with me and travel stories, I love them. Layson’s isn’t quite everything I’d like it to be, (ok I mean he’s just not Tauren. That’s the thing, before the plot changed, the travel section was Tauren’s plot. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to make some major changes I suppose, Tauren doesn’t have a very complete arc)
That being said, I can always write a second series that flows differently. Or, come to think of it, the travel arc would make a good backstory for Jonathan Legder (yall have no idea how important he is XD)
Also, although the character’s are a little different, Tauren’s sense of humor is relatively the same.
Tauren shuts the door behind him with a thud. His boots scrape the ground as he backs away from the rotted wooden frame. Focus blurred for a second, he remembers with a wave of nausea to his abdomen why he was making this trip. Tauren turns to the side for a moment and pauses to pull at a lock of brown curled hair hanging by his eyes.
Get going now.
There will be no urgency. But the thought of never doing the inevitable before it is too late scares him.
Taking a few shaky steps forward, he glances anxiously around the long hallway. Glowing lanterns illuminate the miners’ hallways, in contrast to the more efficient and bright lighting of the farming district.
It’s okay, just break the news.
It’s not a big deal.
¾ of a mile separate Tauren and Lesli’s units. It’s a short trip for those used to walking, but every second he walks is a chance to reconsider the right choice. Are there ways to get out of it?
Why did I have to say that in a panic?
Lesli’s my best friend, and I lied to her.
The thoughts of regret mix with the unsettling darkness of the hallways into a heavy weakness that comes over him. Shutting his eyes, he shoves the thoughts aside in favor of reaching his destination.
8th hemel passage, unit 55.
Tauren’s nerves rack his body as he lifts his quaking hand to knock on the door. He calms his erratic breathing to a slow pulse, and knocks.
Take a step back. Act normal.
Nearly nothing serious had happened to them before. Lesli’s parents split a few years ago, and although it was rough for her, it brought the two of them closer together.
“Hello?”
Ah, Lesli’s mom.
“Oh, hi Tauren! I’ll go get Lesli.”
Lesli’s mom’s large brown eyes smile back at him as she shuts the door.
Tauren’s heart pounds heavily and steadily. Each second stretches to a perceived minute, providing threateningly valuable time to turn back.
He takes a deep breath, his soft facial features and fluid curls contrasting with his stiff coal darkened overalls.
“Oh Hey!” Lesli’s hazel eyes brighten upon getting a surprise visit.
“Hey.” Tauren looks at the floor. “Can we uh.. go over there? I needed to tell you something.”
Tauren points a little ways down the hall, just to get away from her door in case someone was nearby.
He looked sideways awkwardly, his brown eyes darting downwards to Lesli’s leather sandals.
“Uh.. sure.”
What’s up with him?
Lesli eyes him with curiosity.
“So.. yesterday you asked me about a kid in the mining district who had a new disease, and I uhh…said I didn’t know anything about it?” Tauren says quietly, fiddling with the hymn of his brown flannel.
“ Mhhm. I thought that was odd… because you live down there and everything?” Lesli looks over at Tauren, who averts his eyes away from her.
Just say it. Say it now.
“Uhm..” Tauren stammers in a nervous voice. “It’s actually me.. I just didn’t feel like telling you.”
Tears brim in Tauren’s soft brown eyes as he tries to force himself to look at her reaction.
“Oh.” Lesli looks down in stunned disbelief.
What’s it like? Why didn’t you tell me? So you actually lied? Don’t hammer him with questions. That’s not what’s important.
“Do you feel okay now?” Lesli asked, her initial concern covering the wave of other emotions.
“Yeah. It’s just… “ Tauren paused midsentence, feeling the wave of relief that comes with getting the worst out of the way. He looked up at Lesli, feeling the awkwardness drain and the comfort of a close friendship rush back.
“They said there’s like a 52% chance I die.”
Lesli’s expression changes to fear. Fear of the unknown, of the future, and fear that her closest friend of nearly 14 years could possibly not be there for some unknown event of her life.
Lesli covers her face with her hands.
“No…!” Lesli’s voice trails off somewhere into the maize of thoughts in her mind. Her slight form slowly shakes with the start of woeful tears.
Tauren shifts uncomfortably to his other foot.
I think she’s more upset than I am.
He looks over at her, her body seeming to crumple inward with her soul as she leans into the sad atmosphere.
Tauren, unable to watch her sadness grow so lonely, embraces her gently.
“It’s okay.”
“Thanks. But we don’t know that.” She says, leaning her face into his shoulder and sobbing quietly.
It’s so out of our control.
Tauren sucks in his slight embarrassment over the situation and hugs her a little tighter, listening as her sobbing quiets. He stares off into the distance behind her. This felt so familiar.
A while earlier, Lesli’s parents broke up. She was free to go where she wished. She stayed with her dad in the mining district for awhile and then would switch to live with her mom.
Tauren thought back to the familiar feeling of Lesli sobbing into his shoulder. Lesli would manage to tell him bits and pieces of the story, how her mom decided to lean on her privileged background instead of healing the family. He was getting used to it. For so long Lesli had felt like an older sister, their two-year age gap separating them from connecting at an deeply emotional level. But they had grown up. Only 14, the weight of the situation and her reaction caught him by surprise. Now 16, it didn’t feel so foreign to have someone want to relay on him for support.
Lesi’s sobbing becomes nearly inaudible, only the occasional shiver coming and going.
“Sorry. I had to tell you at some point.”
“It’s okay. Glad you did.” Lesli replied.
“Otherwise, after I die, you’ll come over to me all mad and be like ‘If you’re going to go out like that, at least tell me sooner’” Tauren said with a light laughter, and a couple of tears.
Am I supposed to laugh or cry at that…?
“Haha…“ Lesli wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “…Like I could even talk to you after you die.”
“Yeah…haha” Tauren laughed. The kind of laugh that raises your heart; yet has an artificial and brittle glee that could never exist it such a dismal space.
The two of them stood in the hallway, the air drained of awkwardness and instead filled with raw emotion.
Maybe… it really would be okay.
Ok soo yeah! Thoughts? My book still needs a lot of work, I don’t mind going back and re-using some old ideas. What do you all think? (if you need to know some more about the series, we can take it to spoiler forum, I’m fine with that if it’ll help you guys give better suggestions.)
It was weird reading over this and realizing how my narration has changed. There’s more of a voice here than usual, almost like the narrator is a person. Also, the story got too dark at some point and I couldn’t work out the plot once they are on th eoutside, or how Lesli had a good enough reason to get there.
Oh another thing (sorry this is long XD)
I did a bit of work figuring out Tauren’s desease, so it was a little disheartening to throw it away. That being said, it was darker than I wanted to go. So, the civil war involved warfare with plants that infect people (essentailly growing inside them Wow, what got into me to make that 😅) and Tauren found one of these (an ancient plant somehow still alive) and wanted to take care of it. All was well until it bloomed 😬 Anyways, odd combination of being proud of my old world building and being like uh…. wow glad it’s not so dark anymore. I might have been going through a rough period back when I wrote that, my writing tends to keep with the tone of my life. Anyone else like that?
Also I tagged a lot of people here, and I know theres some new people who haven’t read my book. If you want to give feedback on the greater series, I can’t wright up what’s happened so far for the new people, it would take too long. You can go to the forum topic where I share my wip and read it if you want some background 🙂
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Aww Tauren!!! I’m so glad that you left out the disease part when you changed it! He’s too precious❤😢!
That was great, I really loved reading it! Yeah, I can tell that your writing has improved since then! That was in July?
He takes a deep breath, his soft facial features and fluid curls contrasting with his stiff coal darkened overalls.
This sentence just made me smile. I don’t really know why. It’s just such a cute little sentence mentioning his curls (❤) and soft features XD.
It was weird reading over this and realizing how my narration has changed. There’s more of a voice here than usual, almost like the narrator is a person. Also, the story got too dark at some point and I couldn’t work out the plot once they are on th eoutside, or how Lesli had a good enough reason to get there.
Yeah, I noticed that too! I like your current narration style better 😉
Oh another thing (sorry this is long XD)
No your fine! I’m enjoying reading it! 🙂
I did a bit of work figuring out Tauren’s desease, so it was a little disheartening to throw it away. That being said, it was darker than I wanted to go. So, the civil war involved warfare with plants that infect people (essentailly growing inside them Wow, what got into me to make that 😅) and Tauren found one of these (an ancient plant somehow still alive) and wanted to take care of it. All was well until it bloomed 😬 Anyways, odd combination of being proud of my old world building and being like uh…. wow glad it’s not so dark anymore. I might have been going through a rough period back when I wrote that, my writing tends to keep with the tone of my life. Anyone else like that?
Oof! Yeah, that sounds scary 😬😅! LOL!! Yeah, I’ve done that before too. Like “Whoa…I wrote that?!” XDXD
Yes! I do that often. It’s like, I’ll be writing a sweet chapter or something, and then something happens in my day, and the chapter changes 😬😅. But whenever that happens, I try to pray and help me kinda get it out, and then continue writing something sweet.
I think the disease part has potential, but since it’s a little dark, I know you might not want to use that…
I LOVE the idea of pigeons, but ya know, not really sure where you would put that in your story. Maybe Maylee could grow up to be a pigeon keeper or something XD
Hmm. Maybe you could keep the ideas, and maybe just have them on standby if you need something to happen.
But, anyway, I do really like the ideas for pigeons and the disease! If you think you could use them, I believe that they have potential!
#HugRikerSquad
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