A MILLION WORDS

by ANN STANLEY



    “I'm so sorry for your loss.”

    “Do you have any plans for what you're going to do now?”

    “He was such a nice boy, always smiling. Her only brother; it's a pity.”

    Bees zoomed between clumps of lilac, wafting hot breaths of sickly sweet perfume. Butterflies flitted from tombstone to tombstone, pausing in confusion over the fresh mound of soil that stood out like a sore thumb. Insistent voices interrupted the comforting thud of the young girl's heartbeat.

    “...Celaine?” Lines furrowed her Aunt's brow. “Why aren't you speaking?”

    Her freckled skin burned under the sun's harsh rays. The heat invaded into the privacy of her parched lungs causing her to pant like a dog. She wished she were a dog, then she wouldn't be expected to speak.

    “Why is she just standing there?”

    “Is she usually like this?”

    The girl clamped her dull lips together and clasped her hands behind her back, revolting against their stickiness. Her brain whirled. The sun blazed. She closed her eyes.

    There were countless memories of times she had been forced to speak, forced to open her mouth to stop the incessant questions being thrown at her. None of those memories had ended well. She was clumsy. She was stupid. She was handicapped.

    “Celaine...say something to them. They're trying to help.”

    She stared at her Aunt. I won't.

    With the unspoken words came a floating sensation. In less then a second, she was gone, leaving the horrid voices and questions and critiques to incinerate in the sun.

    Celaine took a deep breath, feeling a drought of cool air rush into her lungs. She relaxed, and opened her eyes.

    Alone beneath a forest of naked trees, shrouded in drifting snow, the air was a swirl of purple gray and ivory. Dusky shadows laced the snow on the ground, weaving a secure web of safety around her.

    She spun with familiar steps, greeting the icy tree trunks with the tips of her fingers. When she lifted her face to let the flakes smother her pale cheeks, gray shadows floated over them.

    The solitude. It was cold and numb and still and satisfying. She drank it up like a glass of wine, sipping again, and again, and again until, nestled deep in a blanket of emptiness, her heart could feel without interruption.

    Why did you leave me Izie? Why did you stop speaking for me?

~~~~

    The doctor’s bushy eyebrows drooped over his eyes as he wiggled his nose and flipped a page on his clipboard. “She has a speaking disorder. Her flow of speech is disrupted by involuntary repetitions and prolongations of sounds, syllables, words, or phrases as well as involuntary silent pauses or blocks in which she’s unable to produce sounds. She can choose to have treatment or we can wait and see if she’ll grow out of it on her own.”

    Her Aunt had reached out and squeezed her shoulder. “We’ll let her decide.”

    The words had filtered into her head through a daze.

    She had a choice.

Grow out of it on her own or have treatment, whatever that meant. Most certainly it meant questionings and forceful instructions on how to talk.

    “Would you like to work with a speech therapist, Miss Celaine?” The doctor’s pen hovered over his clipboard.

    The young girl shook her head, averting her gaze.

    She'd rather be alone anyway. She never liked answering questions and getting stared at, even when Izie was there to speak for her.

    “I'm sorry, Miss Celaine.”

    Pity. She could hear it from a mile away. It was never sincere, never helpful.

    It was better to be alone and silent, she had decided. That was the first day she had disappeared into the imagined Winter world of solitude. It was a relief to hide away, to forget the noisy world of busybodies and gossipers and spies and bullies and hateful, hurtful talkers.

    She would disappear for a while, and come back, because Izie was there. And he was the only person who didn't try to make her speak.

    But now he was not there. He was gone.

    And now, I will be gone too. I will never go back.

~~~~

    The sky was alight with bright song, soaring melodies that rose high into the never-ending bliss and swooped back again to kiss the listeners' ears. Gilded wings fanned, faces glowed with eternal smiles, dimples, twinkles. Soft, confident voices wove a fabric of companionship that grasped hearts in hugs.

    Awe-struck, the boy standing on the jeweled path gazed unblinking, his quiet eyes brimming over with happiness. The pure white clothes he wore were warm and comforting against his skin.

    “So this is heaven,” he said, tasting each euphoric word.

    The music swelled. The light shone with intense gold, shimmering into thousands upon thousands of shades of yellow, white and cream.

    A hand grasped his. It was tender and firm, soft and strong. Perfect, yet scarred.

    “Welcome home, Izie.”

    He tilted back his head and beamed.

~~~~

    She was not alone.

    Celaine lifted her head from her knees, her back shivering against the frosted tree trunk. An itchy feeling crawled up her spine. She lurched to her feet, steadying herself against the familiar tree. Her eyes darted back and forth, searching between the low-hanging branches and the webs on the snow for an intruding shadow. The tumbling snow flakes had ceased.

    “Hello hello?”

    The silence broke.

    Her ears twitched, her mouth dropped open. How can someone else be here? This is my safe place. How dare they break the impenetrable silence? My silence.

    The trees creaked in a wind high above her head and someone breathed close by.

    A figure stepped in front of her, shoes crunching on the snow, and she clapped her hands over her eyes.

    “Wowzers! It's cold out here. ”

    She rocked back and forth, shaking her head, trying to block out the voice, the wind, the creaking. This was tragedy unthinkable, that someone should steal from her the silence and the solitude, the only happy things she had left.

    “You look sad.”

    The snow on her shoes seeped into her toes like cold knives, reminding her where she was, what she should be doing. She dropped to her knees, her eyes clenched shut, and grabbed a fistful of wet snow, hurling it at the enemy. Again and again and again.

    The figure laughed, rich and joyous.

    The sound made her heart beat fierce, her back go rigid, her lips smash together. You're an intruder, a marauder, stealing my silence. I hate you!

    “You missed by a mile. Try looking next time.”

    The voice was smiling. She knew it was smiling. It had a lilt in it like the melody of a song. Izie, please come back. I need you to speak for me. Tell the enemy to go away.

    “Listen, I want to help you. That’s why I’m here.”

    A speech therapist! Celaine pressed her frozen fingers against her eyes and shook her head again and again and again. You can’t make me talk! She slumped against the tree. The snow crackled beneath her.

    A hand brushed her shoulder. She flinched. An arm came around her and pressed her into a hug before she could struggle out of it.

    Lips tickled her ear. “I'll be back soon. Keep warm.”

    Fading footsteps on snow throbbed in her head. She peeked through her fingers in time to see the lanky figure of a boy disappearing into the purple-gray dusk.

    Tears slid down Celaine's cold nose, freezing on her chin. That speaker has spoiled my solitude. It will never be the same again.

    She launched off the trunk and ran deeper into the woods, the gray trees closing around her, the wind rushing. I will be alone again. I will not speak.

    Grey shadows followed close behind, never tiring, always just out of sight.

~~~~

    The trees were all the same. Celaine glanced over her shoulder, wiping her nose with her sleeve, her sniff loud in her own ears. She'd been laying face down in the snow for hours, listening to branches whisper above her and mourning the destroyed silence.

    The solitude was gone too. She sensed a presence and stiffened.

    A gentle hand dropped on her shoulder, startling her.

    “Hello hello again.”

    She lay still, rebelling against a sudden urge to look up.

    “You look really cold.” There was concern in his voice.

    The snow's hard surface stung her forehead, warning her. She inched her hand from her pocket and twisted it around a chunk of ice, knowing she must drive him away.

    “This place is not safe. You must come and get warm.”

    Celaine raised her head. Her cringing gaze traveled up the boots and soft green coat to the face that gazed down at her. There was a glow in the quiet eyes and a confident shape to the jaw.

    “Listen, I know you are not deaf, and I know you are not dumb...”

    Her fingers twitched around the burning ice clump. The branches bent closer, conspiring.

    “...and I also know that you want to avoid talking at all costs, and that's alright for now. But being silent is not worth the danger you're in. This place is not safe. You must come.” The boy tilted his face upwards, gray shadows playing across it.

    She sat rigid, watching this boy who was talking in a way that did not irk her heart. It wasn't demanding or questioning. It was confident, kind. She let go of the piece of ice.

    It stuck to her hand, and she peeled it off. The skin was raw and red and numb. A chill wind stalked between the trees.

    The boy unbuttoned his soft green coat and slipped it off. He held it out for her, and she reached out her cold hands. It was warm. The thick folds hung heavy on her shoulders and a few minutes after she shoved her hands in the pockets, they began to sting.

    “Come.”

    The word rang like an invitation to happiness. Looking into the boy's eyes, Celaine knew that it was true. Being alone was wonderful, but it held a lot of loneliness. Hearing silence was comforting, but yet, this boy's voice was not bad at all. The word sprang to her tongue, Come.

    The wind roared, but it swept past her, and the clattering branches threw down a shower of fleeting ice. The gray shadows bristled.

    She took a step in the boy's direction, watching a smile draw up the corners of his lips and press a dimple into his chin.

    I will.

    The next moment she floated into a place of green and sunlight and heat. Her fingers and toes and the tip of her nose and ears throbbed as they thawed and she blinked several times to clear her vision.

    Bees hovered over lilac blossoms. Butterflies flitted wildly from stone to stone. Voices moved among the graves. Many voices. Busybodies and gossipers and spies and bullies and hateful, hurtful talkers.

    And Izie was gone. The remembrance washed over her, drenching her in a sweat of panic. I'm handicapped. Forever. I can't speak. I won't.

    Someone was holding her hand. She jerked back, but the boy's grasp was firm. “It is warm,” his voice was gentle, “And it is safe.”

    Safe? This place?! She shrank from the approach of several voices, all clamoring at once. They fell into curious murmurs when they saw her.

    “How are you taking it, Celaine? Are you going to be alright?”

    “I know how much this must hurt. Tell me if you need anything.”

    “It must be hard for you with your speech impediment, but you're a brave girl, aren't you?”

    She quavered, her tongue flopping against the roof of her mouth. The sun was bright, too bright and hot as a furnace. She yanked her hand from the boy's, cold sparks in her eyes. He tricked me.

    “You must try,” he said. “You will feel better if you try. Let go. It will be alright.”

    Her heart seethed.

    I...

    “Please try.” He pleaded.

    The kindness in his voice did not penetrate her defiant shell.

    Another curious voice asked, “What do you think about coming to stay at my house this summer? We’ll have lots of cousins over and you can play all day, every day. I have a dog, do you like dogs? You need to keep busy and get your mind off the pain. So what do you think?”

    I won't.

    The boy still stood before her, willing her with his eyes. “Please...”

    I won't!

    She was plunged into the depths of a frozen forest filled with smirking shadows. It was dusk.

~~~~

    Gray shadows wavered along the ground, criss-crossing each other in floating patterns. They sailed on silent wings, flitting over the bowed head of the girl who's brown hair was dusted over with ice.

    The trees moaned and creaked in the wind, their branches rubbing together. The temperature 

dropped, and the snow crusted over. The air froze.

    Celaine pressed her numb hands against her face, her breath emerging in faint wisps between her fingers. She drew her knees up to her chin, clamped her arms to her sides. Shivers racked her body. Tremors raced up and down her freezing spine.

    I can't. I'll never go back. Nobody cares and it's too hard.

    The cold air nipped at the tips of her ears, turning them red, then white, then a pale blue. Ice crystals sifted through the empty branches and froze in little ridges on the seams of the stiff green jacket.

    The gray shadows raced across the snow in triumphant rhythms.

    Celaine's head slumped limp against her chest.

    I can't. I won't.

    I won't.

~~~~

    The quiet-eyed boy stole through the woods, his jaw set. He had a red plaid blanket tucked under one arm, a woolen hat and a pair of mittens in the other. Diving gray shadows falling across the ground sent a tremor of resolve through him. His footsteps quickened.

    When he came upon the spot, the gray shadows were low and large, gathering around a fallen figure dusted with ice. He ran forward with a shout that startled even himself and slid to his knees beside the victim.

    “Celaine!” He shook the frozen girl with frantic fingers, wrapped his arms around her and dragged her into a sitting position.

    Her head sagged.

    Using one hand to keep her up, he shook out the blanket and draped it around her shoulders, tucking in the ends. Her hair was completely white, each strand encased in frost. The boy rubbed them between his fingers, breaking the ice away. He slid the hat over her ears.

    “Celaine, don't give in! It's the voices in your head talking. It's not you. You can. You will. You have to get out of here now. Come!” He waited, but there was no response.

    Tilting back his head, he saw them. Their gleaming yellow eyes mocked him from their perches on the low branches.

    The boy put his lips to the victim's ear. “You're afraid, aren't you. That's what this place is,” he glanced around. “It's the Kingdom of Fear. But fear isn't your master unless you let it be. You created this place in your head, and you can destroy it.”

    A shadow passed over him, and his eyes fell upon a huge winged form alighting on the ground a few yards away. It's feathers were midnight black, it's eyes gleaming yellow and it's talons...

    The boy clenched his jaw. “You're stuck,” he whispered. “You've chosen Fear to be your Master. Unless you willingly reject it, you're stuck. Wake up!”

    The black beak opened. “It's too late. She's unconscious. She's dead.” The voice was gravelly and croaking.

    “No!” He clutched the cold girl tighter. “You are not her master!”

    More shadows dropped down from the branches above. Raucous laughter burned in the boy's ears. “Too late!” It shrieked.

    The winged creatures surrounded the two huddled figures, their talons scraping the snow's surface. Wild and ravenous eyes encompassed their prey.

    The quiet-eyed boy shuddered. He straightened his shoulders and heaved the girl's limp form onto his knees.

    “I won't give up. I won't.” He raised his steady gaze to the darkening sky. “Father, you sent me here to help her. I have done all I can. Please take over now. Help her!”

~~~~

    Dark figures swirled down, down, down, their razor talons clenching and unclenching. They spoke, mocking the words she can't help but stumble over. She hid her face from the stares of their yellow eyes. You can't, you won't, you never will, they chanted with rumbling growls. The chant grew louder, throbbing in her ears, pulsing through the core of her soul, drowning her in a deep, dark grave.

    “I ca..ca...n't. I w...won't.” The words slipped from her lips as she descended. “I ne...never, ev...ever...”

    “You can!”

    The faint voice swept into her memory, jolting away a layer of darkness from her vision.

    “In fact, you are!”

    “I a...am? I am wha...what?”

    The shrieks of the dark winged creatures were sharp and insistent. “YOU CAN'T!” they screamed.

    “Celaine, wake up! You just did!”

    The darkness faded into grayish white. The screams grew distant, then close at hand. “YOU WON'T!”

    The girl's eyes opened, cringing at the purple-gray dusk. Her gaze met the determined one of the boy in front of her. “You just spoke!” he told her, his voice brimming with excitement.

    “YOU NEVER, EVER...”

    “I d...did?”

    The chants ceased.

    The boy's quiet eyes gazed deep into hers. “Celaine, Fear is not your Master.”

    She stared at him, her blue lips faltering. But people stare. They make fun of me behind my back. I have an incurable defect.

    “You can't, you won't...”

    Her face turned toward the chanting. Can I? Will I?

    Laughter. The boy leaning over her laughed, low and joyous, drowning out the chants. “You already did. Believe the truth. Speak the truth, and the truth will set you free. From Fear!”

    Celaine ran her tongue over her cracked lips. The black creatures' eyes gleamed.

    “People will stare, they may make fun of you behind your back.” The boy's voice was serious, his jaw firm. “But that’s not the end. You can’t let that destroy you. You know something you can do when that happens?”

    She turned from the croaking enemies and drew strength from his face.

    A smile bloomed on it like the first blossoms of Spring, pressing dimples into his cheeks. “You can smile,” he whispered, taking her numb hand and helping her to her feet. “A smile goes a long way. And it counts as saying something. Will you come?”

    She took a deep breath. The air caressed her cheeks, almost warm. The winged creatures scolded in panic, flapping their wings and skittering on the snow.

    Will I?

    Celaine opened her mouth.

    “I w...will.”

    A surge of noise erupted. Robins hurtled through the air, cheering like mad. Snow shriveled into drops of water that soaked into the ground. Spears of grass poked through the mud, reaching their fingers upward to the light of a gentle sun that rose overhead. The trees groaned and shivered, shook off their casings of ice and burst out new leaves. Flowers dotted the clearing, sending a faint perfume through the air. A warm breeze fanned Celaine’s cheeks, and they tingled as they thawed.

    Writhing on the ground, the dark creatures squawked in agony. The girl watched with wide eyes as they jerked and flopped and dissipated into nothing at all. The golden light of Spring was all around her, pulsing her heart beat into steady rhythm.

    The boy squeezed her hand. “Isn't this so much better?”

    Her lips pulled into a smile, and a throb of happiness washed over her. “Y...yes,” she said.

    “You know,” her companion's quiet eyes twinkled. “They say a picture is worth a thousand words. And I always said that a smile is worth a thousand words too. But yours, your smile is worth a million.”

    He was gone. She stared at the place he had been standing, but even the prints of his feet in the soft earth were gone too.     Sounds filtered through the green trees. Voices. Celaine tip-toed towards them, peering through the trees. Bees raced to the nearest lilac bushes, chasing their friends in thrilling games of tag. Butterflies flitted through the tombstones, playing a solemn game of follow the leader. People flocked around the fresh mound of dirt, giving hugs and exchanging reverent words of comfort.

    The girl stepped from the wood's edge, feeling the warmth of the sun on her skin. It was a hot day, but the scent of lilacs in the air was pleasant. She sensed someone's presence and glanced up.

    “Celaine?” Tears streaked her cousins' face. “I miss Izie so much.”

    Tears blurred her own eyes. She reached out and drew her cousin close. “I d...do too,” she whispered. She pulled back and gazed deep into the little girl's eyes. “But y...y...you know what Izie w...would want us t...to do?”

    “What?” the girl sniffed.

    “Smile.”



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Ann Stanley

Ann Stanley is a homeschool graduate who has been writing since she was eight years old. Along with a passion for encouraging young people through stories, Ann loves homesteading and historical traditions. She is a follower of Jesus and strives to use her talents for the glory of God. When she's not studying a foreign language or struggling to write an author bio, Ann can be found sitting at her desk with a cup of coffee, exploring her newest novel idea.

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