3 Ways to Write Realistic Sibling Relationships

By Sandrina de Klerk

Siblings! I adore reading about them, I adore writing about them, and I love living with them (mostly, anyway). 

Sibling relationships in stories (and real life) have a wide range.  You can start with the pretty perfect family, all the way to the sibling trying to save the world from the other.

It’s a broad topic. 

In this article, I’m going to be sharing with you some practical points and tips to help you write better and more realistic sibling relationships.

Disclaimer: There will be exceptions to all my points, I’m sure. This is just in general and/or what I have seen and experienced.

1. Understanding 

Me and the sibling next in line know each other particularly well. We know the good and the bad, the really great and the let's-not-ever-talk-about-that.

While neither of us are yet married, the two of us (along with our younger siblings) know each other better than almost anyone. It’s funny, I know and love my siblings more than almost anyone else, yet they likely annoy me more than anyone else. 

Speaking of annoyance, siblings have to bear with all the annoying habits. The people that leave the tap dripping, never close the cupboards, are way too loud in the morning, put their shoes on the wrong shelf, leave lights on in the bathroom, are not able to hear what you’re saying even after you have repeated yourself approximately ninety times. All the things that happen in real life, can pull into the fictional relationships we create.

1. Siblings Get Each Other 

Me and a friend were laughing about the way siblings care for each other.

When one sibling falls over, everyone else in the group gets concerned, but the sibling...?

Everyone else: “Oh! Is he okay?” 

Sibling: “Who, what, him? Oh, he’s fine.” *turns back to conversation.* 

I can tell when someone’s said something that’s upset one of my siblings, or I can sense when they’re annoyed. Part of it is that my siblings don’t try to hide it from me like they might with other people. We’ve grown up together, they’ve seen me and I’ve seen them at the best and worst. In that way, siblings are often comfortable around each other in different ways than anything else. We know what they need and when, and maybe that is in a deep conversation or a wrestling match on the trampoline. 

Remember that siblings in your stories will often be able to see stuff about their brother or sister that no one else would’ve guessed. 

In the 2017 film, Wonder, we see how Auggie’s sister knows what her brother feels like. 

2. Siblings Have Inside Jokes

Inside jokes are fun in any relationship, but the sibling ones can be some of the best. Often you don’t think about them until the thing happens that brings it up. Now, I’m afraid that I can’t reveal much here, or my siblings may never forgive me, so let me give you some examples. 

One of my favorite episodes in Adventures in Odyssey used to be Sunday Morning Scramble. The Washington family have been ten minutes late for church every Sunday for the eight years, and Mrs. Washington is determined that they will not be late this time. How hard could it be?

Throughout the episode, Ed Washington gets battered with the line, “don’t you remember the snowflakes?” We never actually find out what happened with those paper snowflakes, and to this day, I remain curious. The point is that it added depth to the family. 

When you write siblings, remember that there will always be things like that. All those funny and sometimes slightly traumatic memories no one else knows about, or a totally normal phrase that now can crack you and a couple of siblings up.

I don’t recommend over-using this, but it can add a huge flair of flavor to any relationship, and be particular fun in a sibling group. 

Another of my favorite examples that’s more of an action: 

I love this example, as it gives us something to think on--where did this come from? And how many times has Thor been able to drag Loki into this? 

3. Siblings Do Weird Things 

Yesterday, my brother and I stood in the kitchen for about half an hour bouncing our dog’s ball between us. We barely spoke until he threw it into the sink. Since we didn’t want to use a wet ball, we went on our way. Relatable? It’s funny how we’ll start doing things, like wrestling over something tiny that neither of us really want. 

That’s kind of the fun thing with siblings--you do random stuff. 

This is something I don’t find often in stories, and I’m delighted when I do. By including the small weird things siblings do, you can reveal a lot about a character’s personality. When they’re with someone who they are totally comfortable with, it’ll be natural and authentic. Say you have a character that’s always guarded and uptight around people they don’t know well. You could take them and introduce a scene where it's only that character and a sibling. It can be a wonderful opportunity to show that character in a way you may not see much. 

A great example is this scene from the 2019 film version of Little Women.

4. Siblings Have Backstory

When writing siblings, remember that they have a backstory. This is actually my favorite tip on writing ANY character; make sure you know them outside of the story you are writing. They had a life, and so much has already happened in it. Every day, week, month, and year. Don’t ignore it. 

I’m not saying that you should develop everything in all those years, but do remember that those years were there. The characters you are writing and their siblings have (presumably) known each other for a while. If so, then there will be inside jokes and memories, a certain understanding, and random outbreaks of weirdness when together.

Backstory shapes people, so keep in mind what the siblings have been through together and separately. Have there been major fights between siblings? Have they partially made up, but someone still holds a grudge? 

Has one sibling gone through a loss or sickness the other sibling has no idea how to relate to? Have they been through a hard time that has helped them draw closer, or did it push them apart? Be creative and use backstory to delve deeper into sibling relationships.

An example of this is in the Disney film version of The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. Edmund and Peter both grieve the absence of their father and this drives the plot of the story. Despite the fact that their father never physically appears in the story. Peter tries to take on the role. This frustrates Edmund, causing him to act out which causes Peter to be more frustrated and hard on him. They both get where the other is coming from since they are experiencing the same grief, but that doesn’t make it any easier. 

Or what about the time Loki transformed into a snake? 

This scene is a good example of how backstory can also be used to bring in humor and flesh out the siblings' memories and experiences with each other. 

Remember that siblings understand each other, inside jokes, have weird habits, and backstory. Give your siblings traits like this and you will deepen the realism and reliability of your characters. Try thinking of your own siblings, and if you don’t have any, ask friends who do. Make some notes, do some brainstorming, and have fun! 

2. Dialogue 

We use phrases others may not understand, we say things that others may not think our siblings need to hear, we’ll use strange nicknames and be able to tease each other about things no one else would. A friend of mine once said how when we ask a sibling to do something, we wouldn’t say: “Could you please put this in the fridge?” But rather, “Fridge.” 

Often, our dialogue with siblings has sarcasm or teasing scattered about it. 

When I bump into siblings early in the morning, our greetings are not usually, “Hey, (name)! Good morning--how did you sleep? What are your plans for the day?” But a lot more like, “How’d you sleep?” With the response, “On my back.”

I find a lot of unrealistic sibling dialogue in stories I read. Often it's not completely awful dialogue, just unnatural when it comes to siblings.

Try to develop an ear for dialogue, a common and beneficial exercise, is writing down real snatches of conversation that you hear every day. When you next talk to your siblings, or when you’re next around a friend who has siblings, pay attention to the dialogue exchanged. If you have siblings of your own, next time you write siblings together, think whether the words you make your character say. 

Does it sound like something you would say to a sibling, or vice versa? Your situations may be different, but consider whether it sounds natural. If not, try cutting it down to the bare bones of communication, or perhaps a hand gesture or jerk of the head would say just as much.

This scene from Big Hero Six is a pretty good example of how siblings talk and act with each other.

3. Brokenness 

I’ve read too many books, particularly in Christian fiction, where the siblings have perfect relationships. I don’t doubt that the author's reasons for writing them like this was to set a good example. 

But here's the problem. 

We’re not like that. 

We’re fallen, broken, failing human beings in desperate and utter need of a Savior. When sibling relationships, parental relationships, romantic relationships--the list goes on--are written to simply set a good example, we miss the point. 

The point is not to write flawless relationships, as all it does is create a false standard of human perfection. 

Sure, it’d be awesome to be siblings who never argue, never lash out, never ignore the other, never yell after someone to come back and shut the door they left open--but we never could be, not without the help of Christ. 

The Bible is a book like no other, and it never paints false expectations, the accounts of siblings we find in this book are not always pleasant. Cain killed Abel, Jacob and Esau didn’t exactly get along, Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery, and the list goes on. Think for a minute, though--the entire Bible is the telling of the great redemption Christ Jesus brings to mankind. 

The humans were imperfect. The siblings didn’t always get along. We’re not perfect, and our characters shouldn’t be perfect either. 

Please understand that I’m not condoning the actions of siblings as mentioned above. As writers, we should never let sin seem like a good and normal thing. 

In Little Women, Amy’s jealousy leads her to burn one of the only things Jo loves dearly--her novel. 

We can relate to Amy in some ways through this scene, though we don’t support her, and we also hurt for Jo. The scene is a realistic portrayal of an argument, and later on, the story gives us a beautiful scene where the two sisters forgive and make up. 

Pull your efforts into writing amazing sibling relationships. 

They can be deep, ironic, and funny. 

But don’t leave out the flaws, they can fight and hold grudges, ignore each other, get annoyed, and so on. But often behind it all is a deep and undying loyalty.

Joseph wept for joy when he saw his brothers, Jacob and Esau embraced, and Aaron held up Moses’ hands.

There is a deep beauty in sibling relationships. When we show this beauty and don’t shy away from brokenness and failings, we can help our readers truly relate to our characters, and by doing so, gently steer in the direction of the One who will one day restore all things. 

What are some of your favorite sibling duos in stories? Comment below and let’s discuss!