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Well, I tucked myself away in a back room this evening and wrote up a prophecy. I’ve two questions about it.
1. What do you think about the rhyme and wording generally?
2. Does it fit the legend? Basically, it’s talking about a prophecy where the birds will fall silent (yep, this is my Rapunzel story again) bringing despair, and then the wingmasters will find or draw a sword and sing and free the birds and announce joy again. Alright, that sounded really cheesy. I’m still not sure about the birds’ role. Anyhow, this prophecy below doesn’t need to tell all of that, but it needs to fit with it. What do you think?
Silenced by hate,
In thrall of despair
Fell doom of calm
Falling from air.Wakened by joy,
Freed by the light
Unbound by the sword
Ending the night.Carried by love,
Soaring from ward
The wingmasters’ melody
The song of the sword.INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
The rhythm and rhyme are absolutely beautiful— exceptional work, @hope. The only line I’m not sure about is ‘Falling from air’. It seems to have too few syllables. I would try something like ‘Abides in the air’.
And as far as I can tell, it fits very well with the story. Very well indeed. 🙂
Thanks. 😉 I decided I better get working on the story, so settled down in a corner of the sewing room (the least busy room of our small house) and stared at my computer screen until I slowly came up with something. 😉
I’m not sure about ‘abides in the air’ simply because ‘abides’ is the opposite of ‘falling’. But then again, taken together, it might work… I’ll have to look it over later. Thanks. 😉
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
Seems like you did a great job. The only thing I’m not sure I understand is what “Fell doom of calm” means.
There’s three line where I felt you should cut a syllable. I would take off the “the”s from the last two lines and “unbound by the sword” would be better with one less syllable though at the moment I don’t have any particularly good alternatives.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
@Daeus Thanks.
‘fell doom of calm’ is one of the trickier lines, I just need to think of an alternative. I want it (and the next line) to carry at least a hint about the birds not singing anymore and there being silence. I just have to figure out what words to use…
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
How about this (the numbers tell how many syllables are in each line)
4 Silenced by hate,
4 Thrall of despair
5 The melody fails
4 Death of an heir.4 Wakened by joy,
4 Freed by the light
5 Unbound by the sword
4 Ending the night.4 Carried by love,
4 Soaring from ward
5 Wingmasters’ melody
4 Song of the sword.About line three of the first stanza, do you like ‘the melody fails’ or ‘the melody falls’?
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
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