KP Critiques – 21

We’re back with another critique! Thank you all so much for having the courage to send them in! We know it’s never easy to have your writing critiqued, let alone shared for the benefit of others. That takes guts! But we also know that receiving critiques from others is one of the THE BEST ways to grow and improve. Constructive criticism is invaluable! 

This submission is an excerpt from Tessa’s novel, Princess Tess and the Perfect Story.  

The Critiqued Submission

 

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess. Which is how all good princess stories should start. She was as gentle as a lamb, as graceful as a dove and as rich as, well, as rich as could be. She had hundreds of suitors and was madly in love with only one of them.

Interesting way to start a story. I like it!

“No I’m not.”

“Excuse me, who are you?”

“I am the royal princess.”

“Well, I am the writer so I choose how the story goes.” Huh.

“Your story is sooo silly. Next you’ll be writing that the princess, that’s me, told her royal mama and her royal papa that she, that’s me,

I don’t think you necessarily need this one here. We know who she is. Now if that is just who she is as a character then that’s understandable too.

was going to marry that dashing fellow and then we, that’s the royal we, Haha! get married and live happily ever after.”

“Well, I was going to write something like that.”

“Exactly. Boring! I’m not in love with that silly fellow any more than he is in love with me. He just wants my wealth. I do not want to marry him and I will NOT marry him.”

Well this is certainly a different take on a story.

“But you need to marry someone, Princess Quintessa.”

“Quintessa, ugh! Do not call me that ever again. Call me Tess. Now let me tell the story.

“But I…”

“Be quiet. I’m about to begin.”

 

In a land far away, there lived a girl

If she’s old enough to get married then she wouldn’t be considered a girl.

named Tess. She was a princess and wore grand clothes and lots of jewels. She had servants that hastened to obey her every command. But deep down she hated

this is just me picking here, but you might consider using a stronger word here such sa despised, held contempt, or something along those lines.

this life. Tess wanted to do something worthwhile. Something brave. She wanted to be… a knight.

 

“Hang on a minute! A knight! Do you really want to be a knight?”

“Yes I do. It would be much more fun than being a princess. But stop interrupting.”

 

Tess had one very good friend. He was a commoner with a common name – Tom – a common job – blacksmith – and lots of common sense. Ha! Ha!

 

“A blacksmith! You’ve got to be joking! I like my story much better. Tom indeed.”

“Your story is for the silly people in this world. Mine is for the brave and great and sensible. Now, where was I…?”

 

Now Tom could make anything in the world, well, anything as long as it was out of metal. So when Tess asked him to make a suit of armor, Tom did it gladly. And when Tess wanted a sword and shield, Tom made them too.

Just a thought, but wouldn’t Tom (who has lots of common sense) be wary about making such a suit for the princess without any word from the king?

He melted down metal, molded it and then with the utmost care he plated them with the thinnest gold covering. It was the grandest suit of armor Tess had ever seen in the whole kingdom.

 

“And where did the gold come from?”

“From all the gold coins I had.” replied Tess.

“Oh, you are destroying this story. It was going to have a competition for your hand. Those coins were going to be part of the prize for the knight who won your hand by completing the challenge set by the King.

“And what challenge is that?’

“All suitors must ride up the highest mountain in the land (which is conveniently near the castle), find a golden cup and ride back down to the King. First one back wins.

“What a stupid competition. All knights can ride so anyone could win that and then I’d have to marry him, whether I loved him or not!”

“I don’t care. Whether you write it or I do, you are going to be married by the end of this story. Stupid competition indeed! I’d like to see you do better.”

“Very well. I will,” said Tessa determinedly.

 

Neat twist! I really enjoyed reading this; brought several smiles to my face as I did so. I don’t really have much to pick apart. I would advise caution when using words repeatedly. I understand they are repeated to hound a point, you just don’t want to overdo it and make your readers sick and tired of it. 😉

I really like this. I’ve never read a book where the main character takes over writing the story such as this.

Great job!
~Haley Long