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Hi KeePers,
Many of you have read my novel Edwin Brook. Well, long story short, I was experimenting with running Amazon ads on the book and they were not converting. After a consultation call, I determined that I needed to change my synopsis a bit to make it clearer right from the start who the book was for. I came up with something I think will work, but I wanted to hear what all of you thought of it.
A stirring action-adventure story with a classical writing style that explores the depths of the human heart.
At a young age, Matthew swears that he will avenge a murder. While fanatically dedicated to his wronged family, one thing still holds him back. His enemy has powerful. Deciding that he must grow in strength before he faces his foe, Matthew sets out on a quest. Out of a world of tangled plots and tragedies, a new Matthew arises. Nothing will turn him back. Returning with vast wealth and power under the false name of Edwin Brook, Matthew is ready to satisfy his longing for vengeance. He would have succeeded except for the uncanny events that kept thwarting his every move. When the final blow falls, everything he fights for comes crashing down, everything he cherishes is put to the test, and Matthew is forced to confront a long-hidden truth that threatens his life.
Fyi, this is what I have currently.
Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family is powerful enough to bring him through any trial, but youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into a web of tangled plots, tragedies, and a deep uncertainty surrounding his destiny. Matthew returns years later with wealth and power, ready to fulfill his vengeance. Assuming the mysterious guise of Edwin Brook, he begins his struggle for justice, but uncanny events keep thwarting his every move. In a twist of fate, he is forced to confront the shattering of everything he fights for, the testing of everything he has ever cherished, and a long-hidden truth that will threaten his life.
@kate-flournoy @emma-flournoy @graciegirl @winter-rose @his-instrument @hope @whoever-else-has-read-it🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
@Daeus I actually really, really, really prefer the first synopsis… *rueful smile*
When you say ‘make it clearer who it’s for’ are you talking about the target audience? If that’s the case, a more explicit (but still subtle) ‘mission statement’ might be all that’s required. Not knowing precisely what the underlying issue is, I would say is it possible to just add a line or two to your existing synopsis? Like the first line of the new one— love that.
What do you think?@kate-flournoy Yes, that’s certainly possible. When I read the new first line along with my old synopsis however, it didn’t seem to flow well. Perhaps that’s just me though. The reason I redid the general synopsis was because I wanted the first line of that paragraph to fit with the first line above it. Things kept changing from there.
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@daeus I agree with Kate. I really prefer the first synopsis. If you do go with the second one, though, make sure you change “His enemy has powerful” to “His enemy is powerful.” 🙂
I would recommend changing “Matthew is sworn to avenge…” to “Matthew has sworn to avenge…” I know that “is sworn” is a thing. That is, I know “sworn” can be used as an adjective to describe a person. But most people more easily recognize it as a verb, so I think it could potentially trip some readers up if they’re not familiar with all the uses of “sworn.” And the last thing you want is to trip readers up in the first sentence of your synopsis. 🙂
Can you put the “A stirring action-adventure…” paragraph after the other paragraph? That way you could stick with your original synopsis, and you wouldn’t have to transition from what the story is to what the story’s about. I think it’s better to give what it’s about first, then tell what it is.
And as far as “A stirring action-adventure story with a classical writing style that explores the depths of the human heart,” I think the arrangement of the sentence is a little unclear. It makes it sound like the classical writing style is what explores the depths of the human heart, whereas what I think you mean is that the story explores the depths of the human heart. Maybe rearrange to say something like, “A stirring action-adventure story that explores the depths of the human heart, written in a classical style.” Or just “A stirring action-adventure story, written in a classical style.” Let us find out what it explores.
I think it may be safe to say that readers already expect you to be exploring the depths of the human heart. That’s what a good story is supposed to do. To me, being told that it explores the depths of the human heart turns me away from wanting to read it because it sounds like a Victor Hugo thing where there are going to be six chapters entitled “The Human Heart” and dedicated to discussing everything a person might possibly want to know about emotion and the whims of the heart and love and all that. (Don’t get me wrong– I love Les Miserables. But that style doesn’t fly anymore.) If you want to incorporate a theme into your synopsis, maybe think about other ways to word that theme. “A story of action, adventure, loyalty, and justice, written in a classical style.” Something like that.
Hope that’s helpful. 🙂YA Fantasy Writer
Obsessive Character Namer
Find me at hisinstrumentblog.wordpress.com@his-instrument Thank. Those are great suggestions.
I do, though, need to have that one liner right at the beginning. The idea is that people have a three-second attention span. They won’t read the whole synopsis unless their attention is instantly piqued. Let me see if I can make the wording work.
A story of action, adventure, and justice, written in a classical style.
Matthew has sworn to avenge a murder…
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@daeus That sounds good. The only thing I would ask myself is, will “written in a classical style” possibly be a deterrent to anyone? If so, maybe you want to temper that statement with something about how it pertains to modern life somehow. Know what I’m saying? But if you’re not really targeting the whatever-percent if the population who is scared by the word “classical” (poor people), then I think it’s fine as is.
YA Fantasy Writer
Obsessive Character Namer
Find me at hisinstrumentblog.wordpress.com@his-instrument I think attracting classical lovers is worth losing non classical lovers.
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A story of action, adventure, and justice, written in a classical style.
@Daeus @His-Instrument me no likey. There’s no emotional hook.@Daeus Mostly what they said. Including the part about the emotional hook.
Also, about ‘written in a classical style’—not saying you should not say it’s classical style, but just the way it’s worded, that particular way, sounds too stiff or something. Too…normal, or something similar which I can’t think of the word for. 😛 Maybe it should be slightly more dramatic or something.@kate-flournoy @emma-flournoy Got it. I’ll try to come up with something better tomorrow.
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@Daeus Have any idea how many copies you’ve sold?
@emma-flournoy Sold? Not very many. When it was free though, I got something like 2,000 downloads. I haven’t been promoting it really. That’s why I’m trying to revive this ad thing. I actually have time for it almost. 😉
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@Daeus Meh. Though with that ton of downloads at least you know people are interested. Slightly at least. *snort* Good luck with thy promotion.
@emma-flournoy @kate-flournoy @his-instrument What about this?
When fate seeks to destroy you, where can you turn?
Matthew has sworn to avenge a murder…
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@Daeus *thumbs up* I like.
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