- This topic has 5 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I hope this is the right place for this subject. I have a poem in a story I’m writing. It’s a prophecy of sorts, but the second to last line is giving me a little trouble. When it comes to poems, I normally play it by ear…just seeing if it sounds right. Sometimes I think the second to last line sounds fine (when read out loud), and sometimes I think I need to change it. What do you think…and if change is needed, do you have any ideas?
Here’s the prophecy.
The valley gleamed white
The fire blazed bright
The mist bound tight
And a shout from the height
Heralds your doom as in their plight
The love of twins sets all to rightINTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
Hi Hope,
You’re concern was correct about the second to last line. I would provide you with a suggestion to replace it, but I’m not completely sure I understand what it is saying. If you could give me a version of it in everyday english, taking care to make it extra clear just in case, maybe even going into a little of the context, I am sure I could provide you a suggestion, that is, if you wan’t one.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
The last two lines really go together. The first four lines (the valley turning white, fire blazing, etc.) foretell what’s going to before two twins set all to right…in this case, defeating the bad king and breaking the banishment of their friends. That’s what the ‘heralds your doom’ means (because the prophecy is spoke in judgment to the bad guy). And it is through the danger and ‘plight’ of the twins (involving a curse…this is a retelling of Sleeping Beauty), and their love overcoming that curse, that they perform the necessary actions which defeat the bad guy.
One friend suggested taking out either the ‘your’ or ‘their’ in the second to last line. I could do ‘fell doom’ instead of ‘your doom’ but I’m not sure about that either.
Anyway, I hope I was clear on the meaning. 😉 And I’d appreciate any suggestions you have.
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
Ah, I see.
How about this, “summons you doom, as conquering plight…” I think this would fulfill your purpose, but if not, how about, “Calls forth (or summons) your doom, as in their plight”.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
Thanks so much. 🙂 That is perfect. I changed the last line just a little, so now the last two lines are:
Summons your doom, as conquering plight
Through love the twins set all to right.What do you think? (and if there’s something that doesn’t sound right, don’t hesitate to say something).
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.