Attack this, please

Mmmm… yes. I like this. Not really much to attack… the one thing that jumped out at me as needing some work was you used this sentence structure:

Something something something, some resulting something something something result.

a lot. With the comma after the first few set-up words, then a tacked-on resulting thought. There’s nothing wrong with that sentence structure. But the majority of the sentences in the synopsis are built on it, which makes for a bit of a choppy feel.
Also, the line ‘in a twist of events’ feels like it needs an adjective. A what twist of events?

Otherwise, good job. I’d rate it at 8.

@Daeus

@daeus
*melts synopsis* ATTACK!!! 😛 😀
Okay, just kidding.
So, for me, I wasn’t able to connect this:

Returning to wreak his vengeance, Matthew takes on the character of the mysterious Edwin Brook.

To this:

His wealth and power make his success almost certain

I guess for me, I don’t really know anything about Edwin Brooke as a persons, and how Matthew would have money and power under that name.

Also, in the near last sentence, you say that everything he fights for is shattered, but what he is fighting for, as you wrote, is vengeance. He is going to avenge someone, but I don’t see how that can be shattered.

One last thing, you say he ‘takes on’ the character. Well, at a glance, I might thing that he’s trying to fight this character. Perhaps another word for that phrase might work better.

*hands you half-burnt paper with red ink all over it* Otherwise, I give you a 9.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Snapper.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Snapper.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Snapper.

@daeus

It’s really good, I think I’m interested. I think I agree with @kate-flournoy about the slight choppiness of the whole thing. Perhaps a little more backstory? (I am not an expert on how synopses work, so I don’t know how much one should put in and how much one should leave out)

“…but strange events keep thwarting his every move. In a twist of events…”

Now, this could just be me, but having the same word – “events” – twice and so close to together like that I found slightly annoying and maybe perhaps lazy. An alternative could be “…but strange happenings…”?
Again, that could just be me being extra picky. (I am most definitely a grammar Nazi 😉 ) I often find it words are done like that without variety (there are so many words that could be used besides) makes it repetitive and can get boring, depending on how frequently it’s done and what the word is in the first place.

I hope that all makes sense!
Out of 10, I’d rate it about a 7, only because of what Kate said and the repetitive wording. 🙂

Now I have a question for you, which is totally unrelated, but tagging, is that to ensure at least someone is going to be reading your post? XD

I’d rate it at a 7 or 8. A few corrections:

but strange events keep thwarting his every move

The ‘keep thwarting’ is passive. It would be stronger if you change it to thwarts.

And, as some of the others mentioned, I’d switch out one of the ‘events’ for a diffrent word.

and even his own life is put at stake.

There’s nothing wrong with this, but I think it could be even stronger. Maybe taking out the ‘even’ and changing something… Sorry. Nothing is coming to mind. Some help I am.

@Daeus, sorry I didn’t get around to the first version, but the second one is better. 😉

Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision.

I agree with Kate, the “into struggles” part is a bit weird. Otherwise, I like it. 🙂