Leviathan

@R-E-P for some reason the link does not seem to be working now…

@R-E-P Yeah, the way you incorporated the Leviathan passage was neat. 🙂

I only found a few misspellings: common place=commonplace, sir-coat=surcoat, and a foot=afoot. Also when you use the word ‘it’s’, as in ‘it’s place’, you shouldn’t have an apostrophe. If you do, that means ‘it is’. That took me a bit to learn, since other words use apostrophes to denote belonging to. 🙂 And you said “fools guise”, “serf’s sons”, “servants hall” and “antagonists face”; that should be “fool’s”, “serfs'”, “servants’ “, and “antagonists'”.
There was also a place where you said “you other sister”, and “you Leviathan”, where I think you meant to say “your”. And you said he “bashed the back of his hand the dais”, where I think you meant “on the dais”; and “the man whole had kidnapped his sister”—“who had kidnapped…” and somewhere you said “at” where you meant “that”.
I know those aren’t all misspellings, but I thought you might like to know. I also noticed commas in place they weren’t needed, or where there should have been a period instead.
I hope some of this is helpful. 🙂

@R-E-P sure, no problem. I work best with examples too. 😉
So take this first paragraph: The wind whistled through the crenelations on the castle wall. To Carl, it was a common place sound and he was not consciously aware of it. Regardless, it made a fitting backdrop for his boyish imagination as he planned a strategic mission against the wily enemy encamped in a copse of trees roughly half a mile from the castle. A grim, determined half-smile crinkled the lower portion of his face while his sharp, squinting blue eyes completed the look.

The wind whistled over the castle wall like the whine of ghostly arrows, cold and sharp. Fittingly dramatic. Carl shivered and sank his chin into the collar of his cloak. They were hiding in the trees, he was sure of it. A grim, determined half-smile crinkled his face, while his sharp blue eyes squinted into the wind with all the determined ferocity of a seasoned warrior. It was a wily enemy, it was. The trees sheltered them from the arrows of his men. “Stand fast, men,” Carl muttered. He pulled a piece of bread from his pocket and munched it thoughtfully. “Stand fast.”

So at first glance, that has very little in common with the first paragraph. That’s because I took what you ‘told’ and ‘showed’ it through implication. I gave you the surface of the scene and left its interpretation to your imagination.
See, not only is showing more vivid and tangible, it also allows the reader to invest a significant amount of their own imagination in the work instead of being spoon-fed the details. Readers read your work to become invested— they pick up the book begging to be swept into your world, and to become a part of it themselves. If there is no place for them in this universe— no use for their imagination— they leave feeling a little let down.

Often problems like this can be crippling, but the good news is even though you seem to struggle with this your story wasn’t crippled. It still intrigued and engaged me pretty strongly. It has a lot of potential.

@Mark-Kamibaya yaaaaahhh… well, that’s because it’s the single most important key for strong writing. :/ And it took me for-ev-er to figure that out. 😛