short scene!

I would love feedback on this 🙂

Warning, a scene of a character getting very overwhelmed to the point of panic.

– Here it is – 

The ball flew across the empty baseball field, and landed with a puff of dust.

“Wahoo!” Sebastian leaped, and pumped his fist in the air. His curls gleamed, bouncing over his dull navy jacket. “Take that, destructive object! There’s only room for one of us!”

A shadow passed over him from behind.

“You should be more aware of spectators,” Barnes said. The woman seemed quite pleased, at least more than normal, and patted Seb on the head.

Sebastian did a little jump of surprise. Suddenly his joints tensed, and rusted to a stop, like the pieces of automata used for his creations.

He was unable to move. There was nothing wrong with his muscles, and nothing hurt. But somehow this freaked him out more. He managed a trembling swallow, and tried to focus on what he could feel.

His mind wandered aimlessly, clinking against ideas, zooming in and out of his limbs, shut inside a dead machine. Somewhere there lay a disconnect.

Why was this happening? It was only Barnes, and she was not dangerous. It was about something she said, maybe.

I should say something. Move my legs or arms, wake them up. Pff, easy… right?

He couldn’t.

Can’t stop smiling, either. Can’t stop. Can’t stop… He patted his own cheeks to ease the grin down, but only succeeded in paralyzing his hand, so it stuck to his face.

“Kid?” Barnes knelt in front of him on the home plate. Although Seb heard her, and tried very hard to understand, all of her intentions slipped away. She looked like a whole new person, a more plain person. Her words cut in and out like static. “You don’t… and see…”

The world’s dimensions flattened against each other, like a pop-up book as it slowly closed. The ball court folded a few times.

With a shiver, Seb lost his grasp on his own body. He floated over it helplessly, and couldn’t lower himself any easier than the moon from the sky. The boy below swayed.

Let me in…

The body had rejected him. Who was he, anyway?

Should I let this boy become me? I don’t know who he is.

Barnes would understand. She understood masks, made of real things and other things. Maybe she knew what to say, to pull him back into the physical world.

Seb’s heart swelled into a mallet, and beat incessantly against his ribcage. In a spare moment, he grabbed his collar, tried to rip it open, and croaked out, “- Help!”

That one word was a triumph.

But the field spread out in front of him, empty of players. Barnes wasn’t there anymore.

The boy blinked, dropping his baseball bat. A tear dripped down his cheek and trembled on his chin.

I’m not here.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

If you made it, here’s a cookie. *🍪*

Okay, here is context. This is based on real life for me. For example when Seb got his hand stuck on his face – I based that on my own experience, not imagination. It’s called dissociative depersonalization.

(I am quite used to dissociation, in case anyone worries about me. I am not, I repeat NOT, traumatized. 😉)

So, questions. Anyone can chip in their answers. Is there enough description to understand what is going on with his emotions and senses? Is anything too confusing?

Thank you :]

• This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by whaley.