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I haven’t been really motivated to write recently, especially with my WIP, Guardian Angels, so, I was wondering if any of you would like to read my first eight chapters. I’d like thoughts of any kind. Thanks guys.
Here’s the Google Docs:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TmvQ_8qO56smkhtSnLTN5lsJ09YLMJ-rdq0E1P6EzcY/edit
I do have more chapters, but they are…in varying levels of completion.
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
@ellette-giselle @whalekeeper @keilah-h @idk
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
@rae awesome!! I’ll do it tomorrow for sure!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
I have work today, but I’ll try to read this as soon as possible!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
I’m not very good at critiquing (at all) but I can still read them and give any feedback I can. Sometime. Probably not today ’cause I have work.
Home is where your massive, overflowing collection of LEGO bricks is.
Why does everyone have a job except me? 😥
Sure, I have school, but I MISS THE HORSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
also, @highscribeofaetherium don’t worry about critiques. While I always welcome it, I’m not specifically looking for it this time. I just need to know someone’s actually reading it and I didn’t just waste two years of my life obsessing way too much.
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
@rae I don’t have a job…..?
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@rae Oooh it goes right into the action!
Here’s some feedback for the first chapter:
“He lost it after his battle from earlier, from which he’d gained the wound on his neck.”
I don’t know why, but mentioning the neck wound here feels rather abrupt. I’d think maybe move any mentions of his injuries to the part where talking about his jaw tightening and his hands closing into fists in anger at the carnage around him. Kinda like this:
His hands fisted, his jaw tightened, and his eyes blazed through salty water. His face stung and his eyes burned, his heart enveloped in the same agony the wounds he’d suffered were giving him, but he was a Nayhelm. And that meant he couldn’t just stand by and watch. He wouldn’t.
Ok, here’s another one:
The Nanian soldier readied to fire again, but Nahim was ready for him for oval shields appeared that absorbed the blaster bolt into their red projection.
The “for” is kinda awkward here. Maybe change it to:
The Nanian soldier readied to fire again, but Nahim was ready for him. On his left arm appeared oval shields that absorbed the blaster bolt into their red projection.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
I’ll be back with more feedback soon! Your story is really interesting, and I love its setting.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
odd question but what kind of accent does Mandin have? I see you’re making a point of sometimes cutting off the g’s at the end of verbs and using “ya” for “you.” I do that myself when writing characters with accents (specifically Southern and Australian/Lower British ones), so that’s what I’m assuming you’re doing too.
also I like how you call hyperspace “Cubespace.” I refer to it as “Slipjumping” in my sci-fi WIP, so I like seeing other stories that don’t just call it hyperspace or lightspeed.
And, the concept of different days on different planets. How long is each type of day? It’d be interesting just to know. For example, when it says “10 Banorian days later” you could have something like [x earth days] in parentheses or brackets next to it.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Oh, goodie, questions about charries and worldbuilding!
odd question but what kind of accent does Mandin have? I see you’re making a point of sometimes cutting off the g’s at the end of verbs and using “ya” for “you.” I do that myself when writing characters with accents (specifically Southern and Australian/Lower British ones), so that’s what I’m assuming you’re doing too.
Actually…I never thought about it much. Mandin has a slight Banorian accent when he speaks, but it doesn’t majorly effect his pronunciation. Mandin just uses slang.
also I like how you call hyperspace “Cubespace.” I refer to it as “Slipjumping” in my sci-fi WIP, so I like seeing other stories that don’t just call it hyperspace or lightspeed.
Actually, Cubespace is different than hyperspace. While they both are ways of high-speed space travel, Cubespace isn’t a separate dimension, rather it is a manmade vacuum (I think I can call it that) that is free from any particles, meaning super speeds are possible without the ship being destroyed by dust particles. I never explain this in the book (since there is no reason to), but fyi.
And, the concept of different days on different planets. How long is each type of day? It’d be interesting just to know. For example, when it says “10 Banorian days later” you could have something like [x earth days] in parentheses or brackets next to it.
Laxorian days are thirty hours. Banorian are between 22-28 hours, I forget, but very close to Earth.
Also, on some planets ‘day’ doesn’t mean a rotation between light and dark, but a period of time, mainly because on some planets, they’re either dark or light for years, but I haven’t decided if some Realn planets are or not, and even if they were, the Realn would probably develop something to combat that.
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
I really like it! Mandin and Nahim’s relationship is probably my favorite part. I enjoyed reading it a lot. Please tag me when you have more chapters finished ☺️
“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” ~ Anne Shirley.
I would if I could! But life is pretty busy right now and since sci-fi’s not my genre, I don’t really feel qualified to give good feedback. 😅
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
That’s okay.
Offer’s open if you ever want to.
Mandin and Nahim’s relationship is probably my favorite part. I enjoyed reading it a lot.
That’s good to hear! Those parts are usually the best parts to write. Of the two characters, who do you like better?
I’ll probably have the ninth chapter ready soon.
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
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