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Hi Everyone,
I’m in the middle of workshopping a poem of mine (a general editing/refining process I go through while writing) and I was wondering if I could get some help with critiques or general feedback.
Just so you know, I tend to write based off of different pieces of scripture, so I’m including the scriptural inspiration here as reference. Thanks!Number the Stars
“Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 28 And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?” Matthew 6:26-30
Who among you can number the stars
Who can count every small grain of sand
Who of your people can fathom or measure
The realms he holds safe in his handsWho of your number can know all the earth
Or can hold every bird in it’s flight
Who from the nations lifts the sun every morning
And lowers it down every nightWho among you pulls oceans in tide
Who can reach all the depths of the sea
Who in the land gives their breath to the wind
Who can count every flower and treeWho of your number can build up a mountain
Or can cut out a crystal of snow
Who by their worry adds years to their life
Or clothes lilies in fields as they growNot one of your number can do such a thing
Not one can you or I do
How great is our God then, who can do all these things
And even still love me and you?@zcpeterson My general impression is that it could use a consistent meter.
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@zcpeterson first of all, I really love this poem. I love the idea of building a poem off a piece of scripture, and you executed it very well. I may have to try this… 😀
The only thing that really needs work is what @Daeus said about the meter. For instance, take the first verse:
Who among you can number the stars
Who can count every small grain of sand
Who of your people can fathom or measure
The realms he holds safe in his handsThat’s pretty good. At first glance, it’s very impressive. But if you slow down and read it carefully, you realize that some of the lines have a different rhythm than others. With the first line you have a really great catchy rhythm you can nod your head to:
WHO among you can NUMBER the STARS
But the second line changes. It’s more:
WHO can count EVERY small GRAIN of SAND.
And then the third line echoes the cadence of the first almost perfectly except for the end:
WHO of your PEOPLE can FATHOM or MEASURE
and the only reason that doesn’t work is because ‘measure’ has two syllables to the one syllable of ‘stars’. That’s pretty minor, and probably more opinion than fact, but it’s what stuck out to me.
The fourth line is pretty good, but it’s actually a little sparse on the rhythm. Oftentimes it’s better to make the last line of a verse more complex rhythm-wise to tie it off, especially when it’s a rolling, tumbling sort of poem like this. I would write it:
The REALMS He holds SAFE in His GLORIOUS HANDS.
So let’s rehash that. Instead of the way you wrote it, I think it sounds better something along the lines of
Who among you can number the stars
Or count every infinite granule of sand
Who of your people can fathom or grasp
The realms He holds safe in His glorious handsOr something like that. 😀
But I really do love the way you executed this poem. It’s very inspiring. Thanks for sharing it!On second thought, @ZCPeterson, the last line would probably be better as
The realms He holds safe in the palms of His hands. 🙂@ZCPeterson Oh, I like this! One line that doesn’t seem to flow with the others is “or clothes lilies in fields as they grow”. I don’t know why, maybe I’m just tired. Also, in the second to last line, “how great is our God then, who can do all these things”, it seems to me it would help the rhythm if you take out the “then”. I’m not very good at critiquing poetry though; Kate and @gretald are much better at it. 🙂
@zcpeterson
I love your poem! Overall, I think the meter should be a bit more consistent (for example, in the last stanza), but other than that, it’s a great poem. 😉Or can hold every bird in it’s flight
That would be “Or can hold every bird in its flight.” Sorry, had to fix that. 😀
@sarah-hI’m not very good at critiquing poetry though; Kate and @gretald are much better at it.
Aw, thank you. 🙂
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