Editing Advice (Poem)

@overcomer, I like the overall poem, it’s lovely, but it can be better still! 🙂 I don’t know about the stories sleeping in my head part. Maybe the stories imprisoned in my head or something along those lines because you mention not finding the key to release them? And while I’m talking about the key, perhaps “But still the key I keep.” I like this line: “Give them their packs and staves and set them on their route,” but it doesn’t seem to fit in its stanza… It is a lovely poem! 🙂

It’s a lovely poem, @Overcomer— great concept, nice dexterity with the words and such— I definitely think it has promise. The one thing I’m not getting though is a consistent sense of rhythm. I’ll be reading, and think I’ve got a rhythm, and then I keep reading and the very next sentence it’s disrupted. I get the impression there IS a rhythm there, but I can’ find it. My subconscious is slipping all over the place in the dark. 😛
I think the main culprit is your single-syllable words. You’re using them blindly, not strategically, and that messes up the rhythm. Take this verse for instance.

But my skills are poor and few
How am I ever to win?
What am I to do?

That has a lot of promise, but you’ve got two rhythms going on just in that one verse. The first and third line go well together— simple and concise. But the middle line bounces and tumbles in a very beautiful rhythm that nevertheless doesn’t match with the others.
It should be either

But my writerly skills are poor and few
How am I ever to win?
What am I ever to do?

or

But my skills are poor and few.
How shall I win?
What shall I do?

This verse has the same problem:

Until the many stories sleeping in my head
Will at last be written
Will finally be read

It should be either

Until the many stories that sleep in my head
Will be written at last,
And at last shall be read.

or

Until the stories that sleep in my head
Will at last be written;
And at last be read.

Savvy? 😀

I really like the first verse too. I love how you echoed the beginning in the end.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Kate Flournoy.

@overcomer
I love the topic for the poem! Okay, you said you wanted feedback…so here comes some feedback. 😛

‘Till I am overcome
By the multitude in my mind
I am restless from

I would rewrite the last line in this stanza. I know it’s hard (believe me, I know) when you’re trying to find rhymes, but I think a different rhyme with “overcome” would work better here. Let me think…some, crumb, hum, rum (don’t use this one 😛 )…I can’t think of any others. Or you could go with a near rhyme like said-and-done or done.

And so begin my duel

I love your use of the word “duel,” but this line needs reworking because the rhythm is off just a bit. Maybe you could write something like “And so I will begin my duel.” That still kind of leaves the stanza hanging, though.

A duel between my stories and my ability to express them well or ill
Still I experience no success
Try what I will

In my opinion, this first line is too long. It disrupts the flow of the poem. Try shortening it like to “A duel between my abilities to write well or ill” or something like that…

Why, wonder I, won’t my tales dance across the page?
My characters all act their parts
When I send them out on stage?

I really like this stanza. 😉 I would just take out “I wonder” so that it flows better.

Yet they slumber on within my head
Waiting to be written
Waiting to be read

I love how you repeated the beginning lines here! 🙂

They taunt my waking hours and haunt me in my sleep
I try to set them free
But the key still I keep

I would change the last line to “but still the key I keep.”

Only I can write them out
The magic words are mine
Give them their packs and staves and set them on their route

Again, shorten the last line. Maybe like “I alone can set them their route.” Does that even make sense? 😛 Maybe a better way to say it is “I alone can show them their route.” 😉

What am I to do?

Possibly change to “what ever am I to do?” or “what am I going to do?” so that it flows better.

These are the quirks of being a writer like me
How to take a dream of mine
and grow it into a tree

The last line…maybe find a different rhyme?

Until the many stories sleeping in my head
Will at last be written
Will finally be read

Love how you end it! 😀

I really enjoyed your poem, Mallory! With a bit of reworking, this will be an excellent poem! Once you edit, you should definitely send this in to KP for publishing (unless you have other plans for it, of course)! 😉

@overcomer I really like the first verse, and the way you repeat it throughout the poem. 🙂

@spradlin’s answer to everything, “Submit it” 🙂 *Grins*
I love writing poetry @overcomer, but I’m terrible at critiquing it. 🙁 Sorry.

hmm, I echo @bluejay, Love writing it, but can’t critique it. I got here a little late to join the party, but I agree with just about everything everyone else has said. Nice poem! @overcomer

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by ClaireC.