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I’ve been working on the blurb for my novel, Fidelyon, and wondered if any of you had any critiques. Especially regarding the flow of the first few lines, directly followed bye the prophecy. I’m considering taking out the bolded sentences…I’m not sure. (also, what is the official name for these things? Blurbs? Book Descriptions? Reader Traps? 😉 )
A shield. A spear. An ancient doom.
Two princes rise. The weapons clash.
The age ends. Another begins. Nations will again be united in one, or flames will spread until all that is left is ruin and sifting ashes.
Ancient sign, bitter fate,
Scar and oath and quest
Revealing name, brought to light
Power from destroyer wrest.Ethaniel knows the first stanza of the well-known prophecy by heart. What is one to expect after it has been repeated in nightmares year after year? As an orphan, with no family name in a land where the exploits of ancestors are as important as a man’s own actions, Ethaniel longs for a chance – any chance, to prove himself.
When a grueling messenger run brings him before the king of Elentisa, a quest Ethaniel never imagined thrusts itself upon him. An oath to the king and an assassination attempt later, the messenger finds himself fleeing through a pathless forest.
Alongside Jagger, a jester’s apprentice from the palace, Ethaniel follows ancient riddles through some of Elentisa’s most treacherous terrain in search of a weapon concealed by the Prince. A shield, the finding of which heralds the end of the age and points to the deliverer who can save Elentisa from her greatest danger. Ethaniel’s duty to his nation and friends is clear. Besides, what else could earn him a name of such honor as the task of finding the shield?
But it doesn’t take long before Ethaniel discovers the greatest dangers are not those he faces on his quest. Deeply laid plots and treachery run further into his misty past than he ever dreamed. The name he is give appears nearly impossible to live up to, no matter what he sacrifices. Prophecies, blackened by his own mistakes, hang heavily on his mind. And the promise of the nameless shield he carries hovers just out of reach. The promise of the word, emblazoned across the muted metal.
The promise of Fidelyon.
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
I don’t have the time or brain power to think it over fully, but my general impression is that it’s a little on the long side.
Another name is backcover copy.I agree with deleting the bolded sentences. And it seems too long to go on the back of a book, but I really like it. It’s a good summary. The one phrase that really doesn’t flow is “An oath to the king and an assassination attempt later, the messenger…” I’m too tired to think of anything else, though. 🙂
@anne-bria This is my longer blurb, for Amazon at least. It does look a bit too long for the back of a book, but for the Amazon description one wants to go longer rather than shorter. Or so I’ve heard.
@sarah-hoven I agree with you both about taking off the bolded…here’s a shorter blurb that I could put on the back of a book. I’ve used the bolded part instead of the prophecy for this one. Thoughts?
A shield. A spear. An ancient doom.
Two princes rise. The weapons clash.
The age ends. Another begins. Nations will again be united in one, or flames will spread until all that is left is ruin and sifting ashes.When a grueling messenger run brings Ethaniel before the king of Elentisa, a quest he never imagined himself receiving burst upon him. But his oath to the king is barely out of his mouth when an assassination attempt and escape finds the messenger fleeing through a pathless forest.
It doesn’t take long before Ethaniel discovers the greatest dangers are not those he faces on his quest. Deeply laid plots and treachery run further into his misty past than he ever dreamed. The name he is give appears nearly impossible to live up to, no matter what he sacrifices. Prophecies, blackened by his own mistakes, hang heavily on his mind. And the promise of the nameless shield he carries hovers just out of reach. The promise of the word, emblazoned across the muted metal.
The promise of Fidelyon.INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
@hope
So, when does thing get published? 🙂 I love the idea of having a jester’s apprentice!
Just a few things; I like the second better. It is shorter and with less information, it makes me want to find out what happens.
Also, perhaps the prophecy could be on the first page of the book along with the bold. That way, it’s what the reader sees first.
Good luck!☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
@hope I’m much more attracted by the first one, though you did a good job of condensing in the second one. What I loved about the first one (I seriously want to read this thing now) was how personal it was. It really gave me a connection with the character. Mainly, that was because of the first paragraph you left out in your second version. Personally, I think you should leave out the bolded part entirely. It’s obviously about important stuff, but there’s nothing personal about it, so it doesn’t move me any closer toward wanting to read the book. I would keep the stanza and first paragraph pretty much as is, and then try to condense the other three paragraphs.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
@hope
I like the second one better, but they both work. I noticed just one thing.The name he is give appears nearly impossible to live up to, no matter what he sacrifices.
I’m assuming you meant “name he is GIVEN appears…” 😉
A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)
@dragon-snapper I’ve no idea…next year, hopefully? Though I’ll be getting beta readers sometime this fall. Hopefully. 😉
@daeus I see what you mean. Thanks. (And yes, you want to read it! That is good, precious, yes it is. Wes very happy abouts that.)
@ingridrd And…yes. Always a typo somewhere. Thanks for catching it. 😉INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
@Hope I’m with @Daeus… I like the longer one better because it connects me to E better, but the second one is much more concise. *shrugs* I honestly can’t choose between them. And I think you could probably do away with the bolded words altogether— the blurb is most effective as a peep into the MC’s life, as the MC’s life (very rightfully) is the theme and premise and all that— the MC is the story. So, though setting and plot catalysts and such are all well and good, we’re more likely to care about the character. Go Ethaniel!!! *sniff* I need to see him again.
*bites lips indecisively*
*squints determinedly*
*goes red in the face*
*begins to quiver*
ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT I CAN’T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER. EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS BOOK. I’m a little biased because I’m her friend… but… okay, I’m not biased. Everyone should read this book.
There. I’ve had my say.
*whisks into closet, slams door*@hope If I were you, I would keep the prophecy stanza and delete the bolded part entirely. Although it’s poetic, it doesn’t really add anything and it’s very vague.
@sarah-h deleting the bolded part seems to be the popular opinion around here, so I’ll probably do that.
@Kate-flournoy I’m not sure what to say to such a recommendation. Hmm, do you think it will look good in the review section on the back of a book? 😉INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
I want to have two blurbs. A longer one for the Amazon description and what will end up being a shorter one for the back of the book. The longer one seems to have everyone’s approval. As for a shorter one, here’s a mix of the two which is hopefully more personal but still condensed.
Ancient sign, bitter fate,
Scar and oath and quest
Revealing name, brought to light
Power from destroyer wrest.Ethaniel knows the first stanza of the well-known prophecy by heart. What is one to expect after it has been repeated in nightmares year after year? As an orphan, with no family name in a land where the exploits of ancestors are as important as a man’s own actions, Ethaniel longs for a chance – any chance, to prove himself.
When a grueling messenger run brings Ethaniel before the king of Elentisa, a quest he never imagined bursts upon him. But it doesn’t take long before Ethaniel discovers the greatest dangers are not those he faces on his journey through a pathless forest.
Deeply laid plots and treachery run further into his misty past than he ever dreamed. The name he is given appears nearly impossible to live up to, no matter what he sacrifices. Prophecies, blackened by his own mistakes, hang heavily on his mind. And the promise of the nameless shield he carries hovers just out of reach. The promise of the word, emblazoned across the muted metal.
The promise of Fidelyon.
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
Hmm, do you think it will look good in the review section on the back of a book?
No.
And I like that last one quite a lot. I think that works, definitely.
@hope I like that version. Nice balancing of length and depth. I might just change a couple tiny things.
What else could he expect with it repeated in his nightmares…
A quest he never imagined offers him that chance.
Weigh down on his mind.
hovers just out of reach — the promise of the word…
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