Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Short Story Critiques › Llama
- This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 5 months ago by OrangeArmadillo.
-
AuthorPosts
-
May 24, 2023 at 4:56 pm #144913
So… I don’t know if this is short enough to be considered a short story, but it’s definitely not a novel. It’s called llama, and here’s the first part of it.
Chapter 1
I walked along the beach, about a mile away from my seaside home. The hot sand stirred between my toes as I stepped, and I could smell the ocean’s potent scent quite clearly. Everything was great, but that was the worst thing about it. Nothing ever happened. My family was rich, I was a great scholar and passed tests with ease. But in the middle of all that, I felt alone, like there was something missing. So I came to the beach, to clear my head. Maybe even find what I was looking for.
Crabs were crawling along the seaside, picking up creatures that were washed up from the ocean. But there was another creature with them. One that didn’t belong. I walked closer to see what it was. There, sitting before my feet, was a baby llama. He was a foot and a half tall, and he had a light brown color with a sick hairdo. His bangs hung a couple inches in front of his forehead and curled up and to the left from there. His wool seemed to be nicely brushed, and he looked very healthy. He chewed, staring at the ocean’s distant waves. I sat next to him, and he looked at me.
Our eyes met, and he leaned against me. He felt so soft to my hand, and he was calm. We sat there for a while, looking at the ocean. Then I determined that I would raise him up as my own. From that moment forward, he was my son. I stood and began the trek back to my house. I planned on getting some food and bringing it back to the llama, but the llama stood and followed me. He was pretty fast for his size, and I appreciated his company. We walked all the way back to the house, and then it was time for a plan. We crouched behind a stone wall a little lower than my house. That way, my parents wouldn’t know I was home until I was prepared.
“Okay, we need a plan,” I said to the llama, though I knew he couldn’t understand me. “My parents would never let you stay with me, so I’ll need a place to keep you until it’s safe.”
The llama didn’t know a word I said, but for some reason, he seemed to understand how I was feeling better than my friends or even my family did. It was for that reason I felt compelled to take care of him.
“I have a few friends that I can call up. They’ll help build a place for you.” The words I said sank in. I was about to build something. I’d never really had the chance to do that before, especially with my parents doing literally everything for me. I wondered if I was up to the task. But something about this llama made me think I could. I pulled out my phone and called my friend Tom. “Hey, Tom. I got a job for us to do.”
“Yeah? What is it Johnny?” Tom replied curiously.
“Well I need to build some type of small house for this llama I found on the beach-” I started.
“I’m sorry, what?” Tom said, probably trying not to laugh on the other end of the phone.
“I know it’s weird but I really need your help on this. I was wondering if you could get Ben and Will over here too. We could meet at the stone wall. Remember, where we always hid from our parents after school?”
“Oh yes, I remember. What time?” Tom said.
“How does three o’clock sound to you? That would give me about an hour to get ready,” I suggested.
“Got you covered. See you then?”
“Yep. Thanks, bye!”
“Bye.”
I hung up and turned to the llama. “All right let’s get you some food, llama.” I began walking up to the house. I would get him an apple or two, just for now. I’d later look up the specifics of how much a llama needs to eat or drink each day. I got to the front door and tried opening it. Of course, it was locked. I rang the bell and waited for someone to open the door. I turned around to check if the llama was still hiding. Nope. He was right behind me. “No, you were supposed to-” I stopped talking and looked back through the window on the door. My dad was coming. I picked up the llama and looked for a place to put him. I ended up setting him behind a shrub and then repositioning in front of the door. I formally held my hands behind my back, and I noticed I was breathing heavily out of nervousness.
My dad opened the door. He looked me up and down and raised an eyebrow. “What’s up with you, kid?”
I quickly thought of something random. “Oh, you know, I was just… practicing.”
“For what? Is there some sort of oral essay at school?”
“No, I um, started running track,” I said casually.
“For the school team?” Dad inquired.
“Yeah, I forged your parental signature.”
“You wha-”
“I’m just kidding, Dad. I’m just- doing it for fun, I guess,” I said, realizing my humor was not appreciated.
“Oh, well good for you,” he said, stepping out of the doorway. I sighed in relief that Dad didn’t see the llama. “I’m glad you found something active to do instead of always studying. Don’t get me wrong, you’ll be doing that too, but being active is good.”
“Yeah, sure,” I said, not really paying attention. I walked to the fridge and grabbed a few apples.
“You gonna eat all of those?” Dad asked, pointing at the apples.
“I’m gonna bring them with me for later,” I said, walking out the door. I closed it before Dad could ramble on any longer. And before he could see the llama who was now sitting on the doorstep. I picked him up in one arm and balanced the apples in the other while I ran back to the hiding spot. I sat down and let the llama back onto his feet. He sat down and let out a short scream.
“Oh don’t worry. He won’t find you,” I said. I held the first apple to his mouth, and he took a bite out of it. As he chewed, I pondered what to do next. By the time the first apple was finished, I decided. “We need to get you a name.”
He ate his second apple in agreement.
“It shouldn’t be too serious. Something fun, but not silly, as I don’t want you getting teased. How about… Cinnamon? No. Spritz? Ooh, how about Guanco?” I suggested.
The llama gargled, aroused.
“Okaaay… something else. Ope, I got it! Duke! I think that’s what we’re sticking with,” I concluded happily.
Duke finished the second apple and knocked the third one out of my hand with his head.
“All right, you can have it! I’ll get something for myself later. And now, we wait.”
We relaxed against the wall waiting for the others to show up. Tom approached us, walking hunched over to stay hidden. “Hey, Johnny.” Ben and Will came behind him.
“Meet Duke, my llama,” I said, anxiously hoping they wouldn’t laugh at him.
They all gasped and reached to pet him. He sat calmly while they all stroked his back. I smiled and watched them groom him, then I spoke up. “So we need to build him a home.”
“Why can’t you just keep him in your room?” Will asked.
“My parents.”
“Oh. That explains it,” Ben said. “So what’s your plan? Where’s the materials?”
“I don’t know yet. Do you guys have any ideas? We need either wood or some type of tin or metal. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, my parents gave me a little ‘workshop’ shed, but I never use it. It’s pretty run down but it can be renovated for Duke,” I offered.
“Hey, I got an idea,” Tom said. “You guys all know the old junkyard. Well, someone just dropped a bunch of wood over there. I think it was from a building that got torn down.”
“That’s great! Ben and Tom, can you go get the wood? We’ll meet you back at the shed. It’s directly south of my house. Just walk south along the beach and you’ll get there,” I explained.
“All right. See you there!” Ben said. He and Tom waved and then left.
“Come on Will. I’ll get my bike. You can use one of my spares,” I said.
“You have a spare bike?” he replied, surprised.
“Two or three, actually. Never used ‘em.”
“Nice! Well let’s go get them!” Will said.
We sneaked up to the garage by going behind the house and around the other side. Duke followed the whole way, having fun trying to keep up. We tested the side door. Locked. “Will, I’m gonna go through the house and unlock the garage from the inside. Wait here and make sure Duke doesn’t follow me.”
“Okay, commander,” Will agreed, saluting me.
I ran through the back door and looked around. My dad was sitting on the couch watching TV. He was facing the opposite direction from me, so I sneaked past him into the mudroom. From there, I went into the garage and unlocked the door. When I opened it, I saw Will and Duke waiting patiently. I brought Will a bike from a large pile of storage and got mine out too.
Will seemed confused. “Johnny, where are we gonna put Duke?”
“Wait just a second,” I said. I pulled out a small trailer and hooked it to the back of my bike. I grabbed a large box and taped it tight to the trailer. Duke was set inside of it, and he wouldn’t try to jump out because of the box.
“Nice,” Will said. “Well, where is this shed?”
“Follow me,” I told him. We rode alongside the beach and eventually reached a shed surrounded by a thick patch of trees. It was at the start of a forest, and the trees of this forest had lots of large, thick leaves. A perfect disguise for Duke’s new home. We rode beside the beaten down building and examined the holes in the wood. We parked our bikes and unloaded Duke.
Will frowned. “This place is gonna take a lot of work.”
@kyronthearcanin @hybridlore @euodia-vision @smiley @mackenzie @keilah-h (I think that’s everyone I know)The measure of a man is how much bacon he eats.
May 24, 2023 at 5:04 pm #144916We sneaked up to the garage…
Ok, as soon as I saw this I was like “Yesss!” Because I see people used “snuck” all the time, even in published books and it makes me cringe every time I see it. 😆 So good job. 👏🏼😂
Anyway, I like it so far and am looking forward to reading more! 😊
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
May 24, 2023 at 5:11 pm #144918Nice!!! 😁
Oh good, lol, I probably would have wrote snuck 😂😂 until grammarly kicked in! So thanks for that 😅 Hopefully I’ll remember now 🙂
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
May 24, 2023 at 5:16 pm #144920Oh, you’re totally fine. XD It’s an easy mistake to make. 😉 The way I remember it, is that you wear “sneakers” not “snuckers.” 😛
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
May 24, 2023 at 5:22 pm #144921Thanks for the grammar feedback! 🙂 I’ll try to keep up with using the correct wording.
The measure of a man is how much bacon he eats.
May 24, 2023 at 5:33 pm #144925Hah 😂😂 That’s awesome!! I’ll remember that now 🙂
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
May 24, 2023 at 9:11 pm #144970The idea of a mini llama friend is so cute.😊 You’re good at dialogue, it has a natural flow in what you’ve written. I like it!
May 25, 2023 at 11:27 am #145010Awww, this is sweet. I like it! Good job!!!
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
May 25, 2023 at 3:56 pm #145063May 25, 2023 at 3:59 pm #145066Thanks! It’s meant to be geared towards idk 3rd to 5th grade. It won’t be too long, probably a novella. My goal is 30,000 words.
The measure of a man is how much bacon he eats.
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.